As most of you have probably realized by now, the past few months I've been kind of... MIA on aff, and my stories have all come to a sort of standstill.

So first off, let me apologize for that. I kind of just fell of the face of the earth without any warning and left everyone wondering what had happened and if all my stories were just going to be left there never to be finished. I know that must have been annoying, and I really am sorry.

As for the reason why.... I'm going to try to explain this without going into tons of detail, a lot of this is hard to talk about and only a few very close friends know, it's defficult to tell strangers as well. But you all deserve an explanation. 

Reason 1. As some of you may have seen, a while back I got in a small (to the outside, there was a lot of PMing after the original arguement) arguement with someone on aff. It ended up being a case of neither side willing to change their opinion, and while I still respect the person, I can't say it didn't have a very negative effect on my mental health. The other person isn't to blame, they had no idea that I was struggling with that particular thing for a long time, that I had finally convinced myself that no, it wasn't my fault, my emotions are valid. That conversation was like a smack in the face, like I'd just been told no one cares that this happened to you, stop being sensitive. Again, I'm not blaming this person, but I was still in a dark place at that time, and their words only worsened things.

I tried to move on, tried to continue my stories, even write new ones, and that was okay, for about three months. But it was a struggle, I tried but couldn't put that arguement out of mind, and my worst demons got the best of me. This takes me to reason 2.

Reason 2. For those who read Being Almighty, you know that my writing can sometimes touch on very dark subjects. This story was originally a way to release my demons, to try to disconnect myself from them, trap them on paper. As time went on though, expecially after that arguement, it became less of a way to trap them and more of a way to trap myself. It only made my own condition worse, when I looked back on earlier chapters I could only feel dissapointment in myself, I was makign myself sicker with each chapter, because how can I get better while Kibum is still sick, or something like that. I stopped working on it because I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed a break from the toxic environment that was Kibum's life in that fic.

Reason 3. And then, the PMs started. I know making Jonghyun the bad guy made a lot of people upset, but what I didn't realize was that they also wanted Kibum to forgive and forget. Then some people began PMing asking about him, asking when the two would get together, and you all couldn't possibly have known what the real life story behind those two was, but for me it made me feel like I was being asked to forgive me attacker, to pretend he never did anything, and it just broke me. 

So I stopped writing all together. I couldn't handle it anymore, it was too much, I was back to doing things I promised people I would never do again. I was depressed, hurt, terrified of where this all had gotten me. It's no one's fault but my own, but at that point it  felt like this entire website was laughing at me, judging me, looking down on me. 

I'm better now though, and although it took me nearly half a year, I figured it was time to apologize and explain. I owe you all that much. 

I'm going to try writing again. Maybe not Being Almighty,  I'm sorry, I don't think I'm ready for that, but the others... I miss writing, I really do, and I want to try. I can't promise anything soon, but just know I haven't given up on this site entirely. There's still people on here I love, there's still these ships and this fandom. 

Thank you all who stuck with me/ my stories despite this all. I'll try my hardest in the future.