I probably wrote in horrible grammar and structure on this one because it's a rant sort of thing. I just rambled about stuff that's in my head and is bothering me.

Was it fine for someone to be so friendless?

Was it okay for someone to have a below 0% social skills?

I have friends, about a handful of them. But I feel like they’re strangers who claimed to be my friends. We have this group chat but I feel like I’m always ignored. Even when they responded, it wasn’t because they care, they just want to know some drama, some story.

They act like I’m all mighty because I’m pretty smart and rarely talk. When I finally opened my mouth they’d be like oooohhh. What I say isn’t even that scary.

It’s not because I don’t want to talk, but I feel uncomfortable talking to 10 people all at once. I don’t have exciting stories to tell anyway, so what’s the point? Sometimes I even double check what I want to say before deciding that it’s not important and end up not saying anything at all.

I enjoy the company of one or two friends more and I can talk freely the less the crowd. I actually blabber all sort of things when I’m with one or two people because I can’t stand the awkward silence. But when it comes to, say, five people with me, I will only listen at what they’re saying.

Back to my friends.

They’re nice people. They’re my classmates. I don’t blame them if they’re not familiar with me because I usually waste my time sleeping in the class and as I said before, I rarely talk. But does it mean they would just think of me as … invisible? Because that’s what I think.

They’re becoming more and more like acquaintances rather than friends.

I feel like I’m being friends with them because I need someone to talk to at school, someone to sit with on lunch, people that would walk with me so I won’t be such a loner. But the fact is, I like being a loner. I like being alone.

It’s like a complex to me. I need people by my side, but at the same time, I love to be alone. I want people to accept me (resulting me being pretty fake) but at the same time, I ignore people because they’re not going to stay anyway.

Okay, I’m not that friendless. I have best friends, there are two of them. We’re not even in the same school, out houses are far away from each other, and we mainly keep in touch through group chat. Well, we often have sleepovers. They’re my definition of friend, at least for now. One of us shares something and the others respond. One tells a story and the others listen, not ignore.

Our characters are very strong, I think. One of them is very alike with me (I’m just a little worse that her) and the other is the complete opposite of me. I think that’s what keeps us together. One person balances the quietness of the other two. We bring out the best in each other, I can say. I can also say that I’m comfortable with them. I don’t have to pretend. I don’t have to act like I care about something I absolutely don’t give a . I can say no to things they say yes and they’d understand.

That’s ‘friends’ for me.

This group of people, my classmates, they are not.

Apparently, my opinion doesn’t worth their time. That’s what I thought and from the look at it, it’s probably true. I’m comfortable with some of them but at times I just want some of them to get lost. None of their personality matches mine, but it’s fine because I need someone talkative and cheerful in my life. They’re … acquaintance. I need them, but I don’t really like them. And I think they’re thinking the same about me. I’m already part of them to begin with, so they probably think it would be unfair if they just kick me out.

Do you get it? I know it’s complicated and .

My social skill is somewhere between zero and minus. I can’t hold a conversation. I just don’t have new topics. Only someone so extrovert can hold a conversation with me because they are the one with topics. Other people probably think I’m boring and just stop conversing after few seconds.

I’m not close with boys too. There’s always this fact that I’m not so attractive, which I accept. But I have friends, for the lack of better word, less attractive than me who have tons of guy friends. I want to have guy friends because they seem more fun and less needy. I just don’t know why can’t I make friends. Why can’t I be born with normal social skill?

I'm very quiet in my family too. I just spend time with myself. I never really converse with my mom or sister because there's nothing to say for me.

It's fine when I'm quiet and they're also quiet to me. Because I start it. But at school, with those friends, I feel so ignored and it's bothering me. I feel friendless and lonely. I feel unattractive. I feel like I'm so boring I'm bored with myself. I feel like whatever I am is not enough to everyone's standard.

Ugh, I don't know. I don't even blame them because I don't like me either.

Goodness, at time like this suicidal thoughts come and it bothers me so much.

I don't even know why I'm making this a big deal but it's been in my head for a while now. And I'm hurting because of it. I don't want to be ignored. I don't want to be the bystander. I want to be noticed without me having to basically beg for attention. Why can't anyone care about me? Okay, excluding family because it's their duty to care about me.

Can't I just be like any other people?

Oh my God sorry for the rambling it's fine if you don't want to respond this but I really need some enlightment or whatever it is I don't know because I'm not a freaking english native.

Sorry.

Love you all.

I've been more true to the internet than everyone in real life. Pathertic.

Bye, love you,

tiara