Hey,

It has been a long time since I posted here in a blog form, but hey I finished school and I did all my exams I am no longer in the place where I had so many problems. Today I have to attend and induction day at the college I want to go to in September, It is a loverly college however it's a new place with lots of new people. I have been worried about this day ever since I got the letter through in the post as I actually have to get on public transport to get their. Before you start screaming at me about how it's just a bus or it's just a train, I suffer from social anxiety and everytime I have gone to get a bus I end up vomiting with fear that I will get lost. I have never gotten on a bus without a family member with me and today I luckily have one friend who's getting the same bus as me but that doesn't stop me from getting scared. 

I have to get up at 5am to get ready to leave before 7am to walk a mile to the to meet my friend then we are walking to the bus stop together since I actually don't know how to get to the right one because I haven't ventured to far outside my home for so many years and I don't know my way around at all because of that. In my head I say what if the bus pass doesn't work, will I be told I can't travel will I be kicked off the bus. The college gave all of us a map that on the back page has a bus pass on it yet it is the most confusing thing in the world so I have filled out all that I can and can only hope the bus driver understands that I am going to the college then back home after. The college is huge compared to my old school and there are so many buildings to try and get around, I have worked out that all my classes are all in different buildings some are across the campus from another and I am so scared about getting lost. 

Luckily I have figured out where my tutor room is since it's the same building I had my interview in so I am okay with that part however my other classes are kinda confusing to find as I have to find stairs to go up to the first floors and stuff. It is a challenge for me but I have asked a few of my friends going as well and they have all said they honestly can't deal with the amount of stress they are feeling about this whole day. We all aren't very good with talking to new people and I asked others who went yesterday about the classes and they all said they make you work in groups-  that right there is one thing I can't bring myself to do, No matter how much I have tried in the past I always end up working on my own because I freak out. I realised now that I actually picked the classes where smart students are going to be meaning I am going to feel like an idiot because I struggled all through school, I know I am smart in some classes but I honestly do struggle a lot. 

As you may know I often would be awake between 12am-3am on a school day due to my anxiety just like today I woke up at 12:15am (thats how paranoid i get), I am worried I will end up falling asleep in my classes because today doesn't finish till 4pm and I have only ever had school till 3pm. When I went to my old school I would get so tired towards 1pm and end up falling asleep in my lessons so I really think I may end up falling asleep. I also have yet to find anyone in my classes today, all my friends are taking Law so I am the odd one out they all are worried about who are in their classes just as bad as me. I struggle with paranoia and I think everyone is staring at me all the time so when it comes to new people I am so scared about what they will think of me. I had a dream in the few hours I slept and it was that a boy sitting behind me got a pair of scissors and cut my hair I have become that paranoid that I believe a person with try and hurt me. Trying to think about all this calmly but to tell you the truth I am terrified about today and can't wait for all this to be over. 

My day goes like this at the college

8:30 - 8:55 ~ Tutorial 

9:00 - 10:15 ~ Communication and Culture 

10:30 - 11:45 ~ Art- Photography

12:45 - 14:00 ~ Japanese

14:15 - 15:30~ English Literature and Language

15:30 - 15:50 ~ Tutorial 

- Then I have to get to the bus before it leaves 

I am so scared and worried all I want to do is curl up and cry, I know I am overthinking this but for me it's a big struggle to go to things like this. I heard that everybody is kind and helpful but I can't imagine that when I have gone through so much with people. I am hoping that a certain isn't going to that college because if she is I am going to have to hold myself back, everytime her and her ing mother see me they give me a glare then when they think I am not looking they do a double take and start whispering. Today the mother saw me and glared before grabbing her sons hand and running into their house like what the are you a 3 year old, the family are so up themselves and always believe they are the best yet I am the one living in a house that my mum owns and they live in a council house. The mother called my mum an unfit mother when I was younger because my mum was a single working mother who had two kids to feed and stuff yet I never wanted to go to the breakfast club in the morning so I would stay with the daughter before school starts in the playground. The women thought that it was nice of her to call my mother that and it broke a friendship up between the girl and me ever since then we have hated each other, it's not my fault her mum is a and raised another . My mum did get the last laugh though because the head master at the time was on my mums side and the women ended up crying, serves her bloody right she has a husband who brings extra money into your home yet my mother has been working her off for since I was 4 years old to try and keep me and my brother fed and warm. I admit we are struggling at the moment and I am unable to do a lot of things because we can't afford to waste money right now we have to skimp and save just to get food on the table, I even go all day without eating I just the one meal at the end of the day which I honestly don't even eat more that two mouthfulls before I give it to my brother since he's rather sick. 

Oh well live goes on and I have to figure out what the hell I am going to do to deal with my anxiety before I have to leave. It is currently 3:17am and I am sat here like I can do this everybody is feeling the same way then I am like no I was wrong I don't want to go noooo 

okay okay I am going to leave you all alone now so you don't have to hear my constant moans about people and my anxiety and crap like that.

bye bye