Hi, this is AnInfiniteDemigod being an 

emotional gal.

Actually, this also isn't about EXO or KPOP. 

It's about my lonely and depressing life.

Life really is such a pain in the , but a 

lot of us choose to tresure and continue 

living despite the hardships.

I have always believed in what people say 

about me, that I am a positive girl. Yes, I 

am, or maybe I think I was.

When life was great for me, I tend to get 

overly positive about things. Automatically, 

when my friends share their problems with me 

I give them positive advices and a positive 

vibe, hoping that it would rub off their 

negative thoughts.

Well, I actually knew that being bubbly and 

positive is just one the masks I use and 

have. Sometimes, it wouldn't be a mask 

because sometimes being positive and bubbly 

would be a genuine feeling. But, lately, I've 

been using it as a mask. I know I'm supposed 

to show how I really feel. I'm really not 

someone who has trust issues nor am I someone 

who trusts every one. I'm a really 

complicated piece of messed up .

If my friends knew about what I'm really 

feeling now, they would not even recognize 

the "me" they have been hanging out with. I 

would be ashamed of myself, I am ashamed as 

of the moment, because I kept telling them to 

smile and to be positive and believe that 

everything's going to be fine. As much as I 

did try to believe that, I couldn't anymore.

Maybe this all started by February. I 

metaphorically took on a bumpy road without 

even realizing it. Problems arose by that 

time, especially with my boyfriend.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but 

I honestly and whole-heartedly love my 

boyfriend. And I can also feel that my 

feelings were reciprocated. We were 

officially two months into the relationship. 

But, unofficially, we were about seven months 

in love.

Actually this was an unexpected love story. 

The ones that I never saw coming.

We were classmates in our senior year in high 

school. We are still really young,  since our 

country followed a different and later 

academic curriculum date than other 

countries'

Anyways, he wasn't the first one that caught 

my interest and neither did he towards me. We 

never really interacted too much until my 

seatmate got sick for a few days.

She was the only seatmate I growed 

comfortable with, and I wasn't really into 

changing seats. I was a good girl like that, 

yea, pathetic.

But, then, a day came up which now I believe 

was a fateful day. My "classmate" went up to 

me and sat beside me. We talked to each other 

although I thought that I was really acting 

awkwardly towards him. I mean, everybody knew 

each other and yet I'm someone who stuck by 

my small circle of friends.

After that day, he constantly sneaks up to 

seat beside me, and I honestly enjoyed his 

company. Even when my friend-seatmate was 

back beside me, he did everything he could to 

persuade someone that sat near me to change 

seats with him. Althought, he mostly seats 

behind me because his dear friend was the one 

who originally sat there.

As I was surfing through Facebook, he asked 

all of us through our group of our cellphone 

numbers. No one commented and since I was a 

secretive person, I decided to tell him 

through a personal chat.

However, I did warn him that I haven't been 

able to text lately because I had no "load". 

When I had to say good bye to him and logout, 

I miraculously received a "load" from him. I 

felt ecstatic. When we talked throught text 

messages, I then realized that I did like him 

already.

It was those puppy love moments when the 

smell of his cologne on my hoodies whenever 

he borrowed them would make me roll in bed in 

so much happiness. It was those moments when 

you just love it when you catch him looking 

at you. It was those moments when just seeing 

him walk by would send your heart beating 

fast. It was those moments when you start to 

assume whether he likes you or not.

I guess we were bestfriends because we 

constantly talked to each other. He would ask 

a lot of things about me, I would too towards 

him.

One day, I challenged him in finding his 

crush from our section in just 10 tries. I 

said out 6 names of our female classmates 

that I recognized to be close with him. He 

did tell me that he was very close with his 

crush and that he constantly talks to her and 

that she is really beautiful and cute. I 

humbly accepted that I am not any of the last 

part because that would be a lie. I could 

just say that I'm average looking. THAT'S 

ALL.

I wisely used my 3 tries a few days later. 

And still they were wrong. I was running out 

of female options and the only people left 

were maybe 3 girls and me.

Before I said out my last try, I persuaded 

him to tell me who his crush was.  But before 

I guessed, I asked him to show out his guitar 

skills towards the girl he liked later during 

Music class. I was really expecting that girl 

to be me, and luckily he did show it to just 

only me. I was flustered but I hid it until I 

could confirm that he really did like me.

My small circle of friends knew about him and 

they did obviously teased me whenever he waws 

near. They were, as any other friends, 

protective of me because I was actually the 

most childish among them.

So, I said out my last guess, and i obviously 

did not say my name. So, he called me. We had 

20 minutes until the call ends. And I was 

really agonized because he kept on avoiding 

the topic and laughing out boyish which i 

thought was really cute. The suspense was 

killing me but I liked it anyhow.

Two seconds before the call ends he said out 

my name and then the phone call ended. I was 

squealing out silently as I rolled about my 

bed. He really didn't officially tell who his 

crush was. It was just my name. Nonetheless, 

it was still an answer to my question to whom 

it was. However, I still need a clear and 

decent answer, "I like you, *my name*"

I bombarded him with questions, acting like i 

could not get what he just said. And in the 

end, I got it out of him. He really did like 

me. He liked me!

I called out my friends for help because I 

did not know what to do. This was the first 

time in m life that someone confessed to me 

and that that someone was the one I liked as 

well.

They told me I can tell him now that I like 

him as well, but I had to be careful and 

patient because my parents sstrictly ordered 

to not have any boyfriend until I finish 

college. Cruel, i know.

So, I did what they advised me and said that 

I liked him back. From that day on he started 

courting me.

Although our relationship were kept a secret 

from our school and classmates, they still 

managed to know in the end. The saying that 

"news spread like fire" is really no joke.

Sometimes I feel like people are opposed of 

our new relationship, but I didn't mind them.

As weeks passed by, I realized that the guy I 

liked had a lot of female admirers. And he 

also did court a bunch of girls. But I didn't 

mind, it was all in the past. And because of 

my experience with my friends' love problems, 

bringing back the past of someone is really 

annoying and is something that is totally 

stupid. Bringing back the past would be 

accepted if and only if that special someone 

did admittedly and obviously went back to the 

past.

Our relationship was really exciting and 

platonic and beautiful and improving. We 

started to say 'i love you's, 'i miss you's, 

'take care's, etc. to each other.

We've had had a few episodes in our 

relationship where we could find a secret 

place where he could steal cheek kisses and 

hugs from me. Ofcourse no real kissing yet.

But then, December came. Luckily, my parents 

allowed me to go on an amusement park trip 

with my classmates. Ofcourse he was there 

too. Oh, and before our trip I did tell him 

about "him", although I lied about him not 

courting me yet. I know, stupid lie.

I really had fun. Not only because I was with 

him the whole but also because the company of 

my classmates were really enjoyable. 

Ofcourse, this was a once in a lifetime 

oppurtunity. I was really confined with my 

decision with only hanging out with my small 

group of friends and not with my new 

classmates.

Then night time came, and as I have seen in 

pictures, amusement parks at night is really 

a breathtaking sight. Especially the ferris 

wheel.

Ofcourse every one wanted to ride it. And 

luckily, we had a cart just for me and him. 

And in the moment, when our cart stopped mid 

air. He asked me something that made me happy 

and i answered him with a very sweet "yes". 

Yes, we were official. First kiss, first 

boyfriend, first amusement park, first time 

staying out late at night.could this get any 

better?

I felt like the luckiest girl on earth and he 

did genuinely say that he was the luckiest 

man on earth as well.

January was a month where we've had a 

balanced amount of ups and downs. We've had 

real fights and even real talks about each 

other. We just knew each other then. 

Different sides of ourselves popped out, but 

I still loved him and understood him 

nonetheless. That month, his mother forced us 

to break up if his grades did not improve. So 

as we waited for his grades, we spent the 

rest of our time together. cherishing our 

love for each other just before his results 

come up. But luckily, we both improved our 

grades and we were allowed to stay committed 

to each other.

And then here comes the time when everything 

became diffucult. College was just another 

stage in our life, but I've never been more 

terrified of anything else than college. I 

had a hunch that this was a difficult phase 

in our relationship, because originally we 

were supposed to study in different schools. 

I was afraid of what would happen to us over 

our college days. We were afraid of losing 

each other although we had trust towards each 

other.

Unfortunately, my parents decided upon 

enrolling me in a university that was 

different from the school me and my boyfriend 

planned on enrolling in. We were silent for a 

while, and did not open up that topic ever 

since.

That was until he started acting cold towards 

me. I noticed that, but I never asked because 

I believe that he was just busy that's why he 

was ignoring me. He had something that needed 

to be done at home EVERYDAY that's why he 

needed to leave school earlier than before. 

We never realy talked like before anymore 

since he became like that. And it saddened 

me, but I kept silent.

It wasn't until our Senior ball that he 

confessed that he was ignoring me. I felt so 

angered, but mostly I was sad. I was 

devastated. Why would he ignore me? Becasue 

he thought that I was better off forgetting 

him becuase we were going to different 

schools. I was hurt because i had been 

feeling lonely eversince he stopped talking 

to me like before. He even used someone I'm 

jealous of to make me go away. The next day 

we talked and he asked for another chance. 

Ofcourse, I gave him one because I was still 

uttery in love with him.

We were good ever since, we've had fights, 

but we resolved them in the end.

Being a graduating student one of my 

responsibilities I must fulfill. I was the 

eldest sibling and so my parents had great 

expectations from me. I had a lot of 

requirements to submit in order for my 

clearance to be signed. I had to spend time 

with my friends. And I had to make sure that 

I still show my boyfriend how much I love 

him. I forgot KPOP during that time because 

my schedule wwas too hectic to even think of 

such things and also because my boyfriend was 

so jealous of EXO and KPOP. I find it cute of 

him to think lke that, so I stopped.

Our graduations was on March, our third month 

being an official couple. That month was 

really just plain. We fough, we made up. We 

kissed. We loved. We shouted. We vowed and 

promised. We kept ourselves busy with the 

requirements, but we still see each other. 

Ofcourse my parents did not know that I was 

just seeing my boyfriend. They did not know 

that I wasn't just working on my requirements 

at school. They didn't know that I wasn't 

hanging out with my friends that my parents 

knew very well.

I chose risky methods just to see him. I lied 

to my own parents to see him. I was stubborn 

with my parent's request to let me study in 

the school that was not my choice when even 

before I met him I would have said yes 

immediately because I have never once 

complained to my parents. I was never the one 

who was fnd of explaining and even talking 

out my views. My words were always a jumble 

of random thoughts that didn't fit perfectly 

with each other. My words were confusing and 

it made people angry when I talk.

After I graduated, my parents met up with his 

parents, but still only my parents were 

oblivious of our relationship. HI parents 

knew. His parents told mine that he was going 

to study medicine in our dream school. I was 

bitterly smiling as they said that I was 

studying engineering in another school. But, 

when we went back home, my parents surprised 

me that I can go to the school of my choice 

if and only if I study medicine as well since 

that school was known for teaching students 

who eventually became skilled doctors. I was 

ecstatic and doubtful. I hated medicine 

becuase I wwas never really fond of 

memorizing the names of the organs or 

apparatuses. I was more of a mathematical 

girl who is very much suited for computations 

and drawings and plans and blueprints. But 

this was our dream school we were talking 

about. In the end, I chose my dream school 

but not my dream course. I chose him over 

what I wanted. Because I was blind and all I 

could think of was being with him. I love 

him, the heck.

When I told my boyfriend about this, he asked 

if this was really what I wanted. And I 

automatically said yes. I could get used to 

medicine and even learn to love it anyways. 

We were happy being able to study in the same 

school.

Unfortunately, I had to leave somewhere far 

away from my orignal home where it was just a 

ride away from where my boyfriend was. This 

summer vacation we were really far away from 

each other. I was finding the right time and 

right excuse to my parents so that they could 

allow me to go out although I was just really 

going to see my boyfriend.

My first attempt was turned down immediately. 

I waited for another agonizing week misisng 

him until I could ask for permission again.

During that week, we've had little 

communication. I've had that uneasy feeling 

that he was ignoring me again and I was sad 

once again. I was lonely, bored and sad. And 

so I busied myself with cleaning the house. I 

would leave message for him everytime I had 

something else to do. I would remind him when 

to eat and when to sleep. I would tell him 

what I was going to do. I take a lot of time 

cleaning the house because I knew that his 

replies would also take a lot of time. As 

soon as I finished everything I needed to do 

which included taking a bath. After that last 

thing on my to-do list, I would hurry towards 

my phone.

My heart would beat hard and fast as I neared 

it wondering whether there was a reply yet. 

But, as I have once experienced a few days 

after summervacation started, I told myself 

to not expect a reply for him, because I 

would just get hurt.

Ofcourse, even though I told myself not to 

expect there was still that glimmer of hope 

that he replied. There would be seldom times 

that he replied. But, mostly, no reply could 

be seen. Even thought there was that button 

notifcation at the top of my phone, I would 

always hope that it was him, but it wasn't 

always him. I lost hope and just decided to 

not reply until he talks to me. I know it's 

stupid, but my attempts were always ignored 

ever since that February incident. I've once 

hinted that all i needed was a constant 

communication, but he always argued that we 

had nothing else to talk about because we 

could not ssee each other.

And because of that I decided to ask 

permission from my parents to let me go out 

next week. Unfortunately, I had a scholarship 

exam to take the next Monday. And because 

this scholarship exam was really important, I 

had to study hard. Ofcourse I did not study, 

I never studied too hard. I just studied the 

night before the exams. So during the study 

week, I sneaked out my phone and attempted 

chatting with him again. But ofcourse, he 

never replied asap and he never really talked 

to me. That Saturday, I really wanted to go 

out and talk with him, but this exam was 

hindering me to go. I finally decided that I 

will as permission next week.

The exam day came and I could say that I did 

well and that I was confident in qualifying 

for th scholarship offer. That day, 

everything went wrong. I was going to say 

that I had a brilliant idea about going to 

his house this weekend. Ofcourse I would lie 

again to my parents about who I was out with. 

But how could I act happy when he showed how 

much sad and troubled he was. I was utterly 

worried about him but then he told me that he 

would call me tonight when everyone else was 

asleep.

When I was certain that everyone was asleep, 

I signalled him. I was uneasy, because I had 

something in mind about what he wanted to 

say. I hoped that it wasn't true. But 

ofcourse, like people say, a girl's 

"foreseeing" had an 80% chance of being true. 

That night, he asked me to break up with him.

I expected that, I even imagined that during 

the times I waited for him to reply. But I 

never knew that this would really happen. Of 

course I cried. I loved him so much.

He did tell me before asking that he still 

loves me no matter what. The reason would 

stay a secret between us. Unless anyone 

related to us asked about out relationship. 

He also asked me to not block him from my 

contacts, from Facebook, from Twitter, from 

any forms of communications and that we'd 

remain best friends.

I kept up with that promise and continued 

talking to him. I continued opening up a 

topic. But he also continued ignoring me.

Nobody knew how I was hurting. Nobody knew 

that I cried so hard at night. Nobody knew 

that I was angry at him too for not keeping 

up to his promise. Nobody knew. And because 

of that I was seeking for someone who could 

comfort me. My first option was my family, 

but they could not know my situation, it 

would just make things worse. I wanted to 

tell my friends, but they can't know because 

they did not ask about us. And besides, I 

don't think their comfort wasn't what I 

needed. It was still his comfort. My ex's 

comfort. I've never been hugged by him ever 

since I lived in another house. Whenever we 

fought or whenever I felt sad, He would get 

angry at me and yell at my mistakes. I would 

ofcourse apologize and beg. I acted like the 

boy but I did not care. I loved him and I did 

not want to lose him.

I wanted him next to me. I wanted us to be 

together. But certain circumstances could not 

let us. He was colder than usual to the point 

where he could go on a day without talking to 

me while I was depressed the whole day just 

wwaiting for him. Seldomly, he talks to me at 

night. I would wait for him to finish his 

meal. As soon as he finishes I would be 

ecstatic because I get to talk to him again, 

eventhough I was pretty tired and sleepy, I 

still wait for him. But whenever he finishes, 

he would tell me that he was sleepy. And 

because I was nothing but a friend to him, I 

did not complain and let him sleep.

The few months without a relationship with 

him and a cold friendship was too much for me 

to bear. I did not know what to do. I did 

want to ask him what's happening to me and 

what I should do, but even my attempts in 

askng permissionin visiting him was turned 

down by himself.

I was tired of pretending I wasn't fine so 

showed how frustrated I was through Twitter. 

I would retweet and tweet stuff that would 

have an impact to him. But ofcourse I had a 

feeling he was ignoring me.

I became paranoid and jealous and whatever. I 

did not know myself anymore. I was bitter. I 

was never like this. I sometimes missed how I 

smiled naturally. But nowadays, I could not 

even smile without anyone making me smile.

There was actually one day when I lost it and 

told him how angry I was because he obviously 

kept ignoring me. He was talking to everone 

else but me.

And you know what he said? He said I changed.

Was I the one who stopped talking to the 

other? Was I the one who continued ignoring 

the other's attempted conversations? Was I 

the one who broke up with the other?

Yes, I changed. I changed my addiction to 

KPOP because he hated it. But I never even 

told him to change his addiction to gaming 

becasue if I did that wouldn't be him 

anymore. I accepted him like that because I 

wouldn't want to change the man I love. I 

changed my relationship with my friends and 

my family because he told me that I never had 

time for him. I changed my good personality 

especially when I started lying to my parents 

just because I wanted to be with him.

He told me I never prioritized him. But then 

I ALWAYS asked how he was, if he ate already, 

etc when I never even asked those kind of 

things to my parents and friends.

He told me he missed the old me, but I wasn't 

the one who changed. He said he vroke up with 

me because he wanted me to come back to the 

bubbly girl he fell in love with. But how 

could I when he always ignores me?

I admit I had my faults in our relationship, 

but I can't help but get angry because it 

wasn't al my fault. Ofcourse I kept quiet 

because i did not want to make things worse 

than it already is.

But then he told me that I was too late. That 

I never went back, and it just broke my 

heart.

He told me that he was sick with something, 

but the only one who knew that was his past, 

his step sister. I was jealous ofcourse.but I 

still reminded him to take his medicine and 

sleep at the prescribed time to sleep.

Oppurtunity knocked on my door when my 

parents told me I could go somewhere (that 

somewhere is where he could also go to) by 

myself. I immediately told him that. BUt, 

ofcourse, he turned it down. Because he said 

that he didn't want to see me yet.

He admitted that he did ignore me. He acted 

cold because I changed and that he wanted me 

to come back.

I don't know if I should be mad at him 

because how was I supposed to know that when 

he was acting cold himself? when he was the 

one who changed himself? i don't know if i 

should be angry at myself because i did not 

understand him.

And so, here's the part where I say that I 

don't know myself anymore.

Here's the part where I cripple in a corner 

and cry my hearts out.

Here's the part where I think for the 

billionth time what I did wrong for him to 

think that I changed.

We seldom talk, just because he said that his 

phone was taken from him by his parents.

Here's also the part when I think that we 

don't like each other anymore. When he's 

moved on from me. It's a hurtful thought and 

just thinking about it make me teary.

I don't know if I'm an idiot for sticking up 

with him. But I guess I'm an idiot in love. 

Ofcourse I'm also asking for justice because 

I want to know what went wrong. What I did 

wrong.

Although I want closure from him, I'm not 

sure whether him telling me that he doens't 

want us anymore would be a closure. I guess 

the word closure for me means that we would 

get back together.

And because my parents are almost home and 

that I should not show my crying face to 

them, I should stop.

Thanks for listening to my depressing story. 

I hope that didn't affect your mood

Thank you for reading this

I'll try my best to update Lost and Forgotten 

tomorrow. That's all, thank you

I'm not asking for tips and encouragements, 

but those things would be highly appreciated 

by me. Just reading this post was enough of a 

reason to thank you.

Thank You, I'll really try my best to update 

as a sign of my gratitude :)

--AnInfiniteDemigod