I Might Die

Hey there. This is actually awkward for me. But I don't feel I can hold it anymore. I might die before I get some help.Truth to be told, I am a depression, stressed, anxiety students ever alive. I am a high school student.

In high school, of course we are going through friendship stage. I have this group along with me. We have been bestfriends for 2 years already.In those two years, I have holding up the pain of befriending with them. I want to leave my group, but I can.I have been ditched, insulted, ignored by my own bestfriends. But I kept quiet. I don't want to hurt them although me myself is hurting.

I have this bestfriend. Let's just call her Pluto. Well, it is her nickname. I really love her. More thn bestfriend but less than lover. I think I am not good enough for her. In fact, I have never been good enough for anyone. I suffocate her life. I prevent her from befriend with anyone else because I scared I will lose her. I scared if she will leave me like my old friends done. I am scared. But, with my attitude, she hates me now. I know. I can feel it.

I have no other choice on how to express my feelings. I have no one to hear my heart out. I have no one by my side. I am depressed alone. So, I hope you guys will not disgust with wht I'm going to say. I start selfharm. I find peace in it. I hope my arteries will be cutted and I can die from selfharm. So the pain will stop. But I scared, I scared to die. I just want the pain to stop. But I can't. I dont want to die. I am in depression.

I dont know how. My family too. I just cant. They didn't understand my pain. They even add insult to injury. I am tired.

So last night, I unfollow my bestfriend. And I burnt all her letters for me. I thought that way, the pain will stop. But no! It come back. The thought of selharm comeback. The thought of being useless. The pain increasing and it become a burden to me. My bestfriend leaves me. I can call her ex-bestfriend now. I don't have anyone now. I am alone. Too alone. I don't know who I can depend too.

I want to kill myself. But I can't. Because I cant leave my bestfriend. I vow to myself to always stay beside her. Although she pushed me away. My fault for being so greedy. My fault for being so clingy. My fault for being so noisy. My fault for bing so useless to you my bestfriend.

I just want to stop the pain. But no one is there to help me. I am in depression state. I don't want to live anymore. I just want to die. So that my sacrifice will come to a good thing. So that she will be happy when I die. She can smile again when I die. She can laugh again when I die. And I don't want her to step at my grave. Because I afraid the pain of her will follow me to the grave. So please, tell her if I die, dont ever come to my grave. Wether she want to laugh or cry, I don't care. Just don't come.

I doesn't hate her. Nor angry. I love her too much that i want to die. Die is a pain. Love is a pain. But when your bestfriend leaves you, it is ing dying. And I am dying. So, I might die. I might die because of myself. I selfharm again. It is 4 scratches. I hope I die tonight. Because 4 means death.

To those who read this, please, i hope you guys wouldn't disgust with selfharmer. They are just lonely. They need friends, but no one is there except the razor. So please, please, don't disgust me like my bestfriend does. I am so sorry for burdening you guys. I am a burden. Please, tell her that I love her.

 Because, I might die before I got to tell her.

Please...

I might die.

 

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MissBlackRabit #1
Yah! Do you think death will solve your problem??? I know how serious depression can be, but you can't let it get the best of you. You have to stay strong. Instead of self-harming and running away from your problems, you have to face it. Talk to your best friend properly. And If you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for the people you love. Think of it this way: You know what it's like to be sad; I'm sure you don't want those you to feel sad too. If you hurt yourself, you're not only inflicting pain to yourself, you're also hurting others.
And before you say that you don't have anyone, did you look properly? Look at all these comments in your blog, don't they mean anything? I think it means there are people who care about you. And if we strangers care, what more your friends, your family?
Honestly, you have to believe that you're not alone. Depression is never worth dying for. Life is worth so much more than keeping your thoughts to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Learn to love yourself, and remember that there will always be at least one person who loves you very much, and that you are never alone.
I hope you live through this and never try anything like this again. Don't waste the life that was given to you.
Stay strong! and remember that people care!
wonderful_winter #2
heyyyyy live must go on no matter what
even u think u dont want to live anymore
i know its hard rite for u to bear all this pain
but doing those stupid things wont change anthing
its just make ur condition become worst and worst dude
hurt urself is not the solution of ur problems
i know ure strong enough to face all of this
stay strong no matter what i know u can fighting!
you can talk to me if u want i wont mind dude
ColdCityPrincess #3
Death is never a solution to any problem. You should be grateful that you're still alive and here you are, wanting to take your life. There are people who wanted to live but they couldn't probably due to an illness or something. I understand your feelings. I once became like that. My friends disliking me and such but I thought that they're not the only people in this whole damn world. Yes, I love all my friends because they're like family to me but that's how life works, you know. You can't expect that everything will go your way. After I fought with my friends, I learned to not to care at all whether it was words or people and to wait for the right people to come in my life. People come and go. I may not know you that much but... I feel you. I understand you. All of us are scared of something but we should be strong to face them. Just be strong. :) And please, don't take your life away. If you love her so much, then, do everything you can for her even if you'll be the one she despises the most. At least, of you'll let her go, she'll be the one who's regretting and you'll be the one who's happy. Moving on is hard, I know but I know that you can do it. Change yourself for the better. I know that someone out there loves you for eternity. ^^ we all love you. Mwa.
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