[Warning: This got kinda long-ish and it's really just me writing out what I'm feeling after I went through this confusion filled heartache so read at your own risk since it is long and might be discombobulated to some (plus, you don't really have to read it if you don't want to ^^" ]]

“Why do I insist on choosing and chasing guys who aren’t good for me?” This question pops into my head over and over as I think about how yet again, I’m dumped with no answers and confused. This is the second time, and I know some of you may think that only two guys who do the same thing is no big deal, but it is to me when it’s two consecutive guys and it’s almost the same scenario both times.

This is coming from someone who has only had one serious relationship out of the four guys dated in her currently short lifetime. This is coming from someone who did not know heartbreak until four months ago (two if you want to stretch time a bit). So yes, I needed an outlet and writing this came to mind, even though it may not be the best thing I’ve written. I just need to get it out of my system.

So, as an answer to the question above, I have therefore come up with two answers.

The first answer is this:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

This quote is from the book and movie “Perks of Being a Wallflower” and to me, one of the most important in addition to the “We are infinite” quote in the movie. The love I accepted over the past six months has been love that has drained me, exhausted me, and has been more physical than emotional. Does that mean my self-worth has depreciated into something that can only be viewed as something people can use physically? Does this mean that I only think that I can be loved by someone who only wants me for , or for messing around? Has my self-esteem lowered so substantially that I view any attention as love?

In actuality, my self-esteem has become a fluctuating intangible thing. There are times when I think I’m hot as and beautiful, but other times when I think I’m one of the most horrible people there are and am everything opposite of what people think of me. I have actually become more withdrawn and quiet with strangers. I have become motivated to do things like work out and write more and sing and all of this other stuff, but there is no time because where does the time go? I have broken down (emotionally) more than I ever have before in the past 3-4 months than I have in my current lifetime.

Do I deserve those who use me and then don’t talk to me for three months before me finding out that they have had a significant other for about two months? The two months that I was trying to figure out what I did wrong and trying to get answers? Do I deserve those that say they want a relationship and say they love me but then turn around and say that they don’t know what they want and break up with me just before the time where I can actually get to know them? Do I deserve those that leave me with more questions and exhaustion than I started with?

By my mentality and the quote supporting it, the answer to the questions, unfortunately, is yes.

No matter how hard I try, I will accept this love I think I deserve and no other.

My second answer is something that necessitates a little background on me. I grew up in a moving household where my dad’s job had me and my family move every three years. And three years is a short amount of time when you’re trying to make friends and have a good life. However, I have been in this same place for seven years. Seven. I’ve seen the same people at school for two years, seen the same places for seven years, and been familiar with the area for a while. And now, with my graduation in a few months’ time, I’m itching to leave. I’m desperate to leave the area, go somewhere new.

I’m not saying that I don’t like staying here for a while, I love it. I’m ecstatic that I actually can make friends and keep them for longer and I don’t have to transfer schools again. I really like the benefits of staying stationary. However, I crave the new experiences and new people different places bring me. And I don’t get around a lot where I live, people-wise that is. Which is why I think I fall into the trap of affection and lust. Because I don’t get it enough anywhere else.

I am desperate to leave and go explore new places and meet new people and just leave this place behind.

However, I think, in this long, long post, that I’ll be okay with this latest confusion. I think I can busy myself so much that I can forget about it as much as possible. And I think I can learn to boost my self-worth up myself. I know I don’t need a man to validate me, but I think that that is something I need to start believing with a lot of conviction. As my fortune cookie said:

“Love yourself first and everything will fall into place.”