150505 exa’s update
Tuesday,
Malaysia
16:02 pm

I have a secret to tell. And I know I have to tell you guys sooner too. Somehow I need to tell you about my condition. Well I might look cheerful outside but I’m not in the inside.

I think it’s because my period is coming up thats why i’m being all sentimental. Honestly, I have this problem called

Depression.

I think I’m still in the normal stage where I can still handle my stress at certain time but now it’s getting worst. I tried guys.

Maybe some of you did wonder what’s the reason why I started writing stories. It’s a lie if I said because I like to write essays and . It’s because;

My method of dealling with my depression.

I dont understand why my mother and aunties all of them want me to quit writing stories and instead focus in my reality. And what if I said that my reality is more than my father physically and mentally abusing me. Yes, I’ve been there and finally it leads to an end where my parents finally divorced.

Was I sad?

Of course not!

I finally breathed a fresh air after eleven years of torture. Unfortunately nothing goes well when my mother remarried. Two bratty step-siblings who couldnt do anything by themselves. Since I’m the eldest of course I have to help them. But then again nothing works out. All of them treat me like I’m a maid. I’m the cinderella in my own story. But in my case it’s a bit different.

I’m not usually like this but somehow I wish just for once that my parents looked up to me. I know I’m not as genius as my younger sister (one year apart) but at least they could be fair. Why? I asked myself everyday. Was mum mad bc I’m not perfect like my sister? Bc I’m not as clever as her? Bc my results are the worst between my two younger sisters? Bc I’m lazy? Bc I lived in a fantasy? Bc I can’t grow mature?

Favouritism.

That’s what she do. My mother do. Bc my 2nd sister is smarter than me, more dependable, more responsible.

I’m okay..

Of course I am..

She never been through what I’ve been through –bruises, scars, mean words. I only understand that the dark shadow did to this me bc I’m a useless child who never listen to elders’ words. I was still in my elementry days that time. What did I even do wrong until he treated me that way?

My blood-father.

I want to escped from this cruel world. I want to open my my hearts and try to make friends all over the world. But still I’m afraid. Afraid of people. Afraid of myself if I might fall again and there’s no one there for me. To brighten my day, to hear me and to remember me.

And yet I’m still afraid to move on. That’s why I said my depression is coming back. I don’t want to leave the things I love; writing, bangtan, music, art and my twitter friends.

To me you are all I have. Bc I trust you guys for not breaking my heart, for throwing me aside, for playing with lively moments of us. I want to be happy like this. Joking about bangtan, their music, their derps.

Deep down, i know im drifting apart.

So it’s the best if I leave for a while. To pickup my courage and calm myself about things.

Starting from today I’ll be in a semi-hiatus status about a month or so. Wish me a good luck bc I really need a fresh new start. Thank you so much for all the love guys. I really appreciate it. See you guys soon.