This isn't going to make much sense probably, but I'm just hella pissed and . 

Idk. Last year of secondary school. All the tests, exams, expectations....

I really don't know what to say, what to do any more.

At school, I can barely keep up with every single subject I'm taking. We're doing our testimonials now, and we're supposed to get people to write a paragraph about us. And I realize, I've been so attached to the classroom itself that I don't have anyone to ask. Everyone has their own clique, their own preferences, their own type of friends and people they hate. Apparently I pretty much fit in everyone's hate list. 

At home, I'm being compared to and blamed. My brothers are getting ruder, raising their voices and all. And whose fault is it? Of course it's mind because I'm the oldest, I'm the only girl and as a girl I'm supposed to be good. Then my parents are saying things about how I have no respect for them because I told my mum I didn't want to bathe after school yesterday and because I sighed really loudly even my stepfather told me to get ready for tuition. And apparently my attitude is teaching my brothers all the wrong things. 

We've also just stepped down from cca, so within my squad ((uniformed group lol)) there's always a few who will cut their hair short every year. I told my parents I wanted to cut like Tao during the History era; they didn't allow it because "religion doesn't allow it". So I said, Amber during the Red Light era then. And then they scolded me for literally two hours straight. Apparently one of my mum's friend's daughter was in the same school as I am now, and in sec 4 she had asked to cut her hair in a way similar to Amber too. But then she went to study in London and proclaimed herself a lesbian, and now is running for some in the LGBT thing in London. My parents accused me of being a lesbian because they didn't allow me to date guys and.... It hurts. They don't allow me to wear heels, platforms, dresses, and complain when my hair drops all over the floor.... At the same time, they don't allow me to wear jeans, sneakers and have short hair. So what do they want from me???

I just feel so stressed these few days, and my anxiety attacks have been acting up again. That low, useless hopeless self-destruct mode I've been having since two years ago is back again, worse than before. It's so bad that for the past few months I feel either like killing myself, or killing someone else. Mostly myself because.... What's there to explain? When nobody in school seems to care unless you're physically or mentally hurting one of the rich kids? When the teachers say you're not good enough and your results will drop again based on your past results? When your brothers start to ask you why are your parents talking about your uality, your results, your plans for the future ("At the rate you're going, the most you'll become is a cleaner and you're not even any good in cleaning")? When your parents question your every move and literally stalk you both online and in real life? ((They don't know about my AFF- at least I hope they don't))

People used to tell me, tell your parents about your anxiety attacks, your self-destruct mode, your stress. But when your parents start saying ... How can you? Home used to be heaven to me because school was hell, but now it's just a house storing scoldings and blaming and sadness. I used to think maybe I could make it as a psychiatrist, but at the rate I'm going...

"You'll be the patient instead of the doctor in the mental hospital, I'm telling you." 

Dearest Mummy, 

Well, they did say Mother knows best. 

So, lock me up while I'm still sane, before I end up really giving you the gift of pain.