21/04

If a question was asked to me, asking how I feel, I'd say exhausted in a heartbeat. Everything tires the out of me. School, grades, family, God, friends, self. 

There's nothing wrong with my life. It's quite perfect, if I may say. I eat everyday, experiencing no hunger, I have one loving family (my alter ego says so), and I'm quite a social butterfly.

But if only I can tie my friends into my shoes, and make them feel stupid too. It really hurts, being stupid is. And I wonder, why is He being unfair? Does He really want me to feel small, worthless and dumb? I was placed among these geniuses meanwhile I'm just mediocre in terms of intelligence. My arguments never mean a thing to them. My opinions don't matter.

I always try my best to be one of them. I study everyday, I sleep one hour per day. And I realize, my routine is startig to effect my (already) severe mood swings, resulting my dead alter ego to rise back to life. I can feel my soul dying. It's getting numb. I don't even feel pain anymore.

I'm just so, so tired. I don't even know the reason why. The main reason must be the lack of sleep, but I'm quite sure it wouldn't effect me this much.

Is it the caffeine that's taking control of my body? I wonder.

Honestly none of these paragraphs makes sense. I just want to dissolve into nothingness. I wish I wasn't born. I'm a mess. I'm sorry.

28/04

Just a quick update, I'm laughing. I really am.

I love Nell. And I have this playlist called "sleepless nights" in which I listen to every night, right before I go to sleep (which is an irony. Because I'm sleeping while listening to "sleepless nights". I love it.) My playlist consists of sad songs sung by Nell, Epik High, Tablo, Younha, and etc. Well you get it. It's a indie slash hip hop playlist. 

I am not a morning person. I get really angry and grumpy every single morning, and no one is off the bait. My friends at school never talk to me at mornings. 

This morning, my mom said: "You shouldn't have listened to those sad and depressing songs. It made you angry! Look at your sister! She's always happy because she listens to pop music and EDM (Electronic Dance Music) like One Direction and Taylor Swift, and others! (she doesn't know the singers to those edm music.)" in a joking tone, while laughing.

First of all, I'm allowed to not like those genres. They don't fit my taste.

Secondly; oh mother, how lovely are thee, finally not realizing that your daughter is mentally ill. Well, who knows where this insanity could lead me. I'm sure the prologue would be really funny and exciting, right? Seeing how you laugh so freely, joking about a mental illness. Winks.