'Material Princess' Review
'Material Princess' by xJijix
Reviewed by keena-choding
Title: [4/5]
The title was short and sweet, just the way I like it. It was also relevant to, and suited the story well. If I was scrolling down a list of fanfictions and yours happened to be there, I'd go check yours out.
Description/Foreword: [6/10]
I was actually kind of disappointed with your foreword. It had the one thing I just absolutely despise: character descriptions. I'll explain about it more in the characterization/details section. There are a few things I have to point out here though.
1. Your author's note should be in the foreword, not in the description.
2. There are a couple grammatical errors here and there(Will be explained in the Grammar section)
3. The description was decent.
Your description did explain the whole plot, but at the same time, it didn't give out the little details. That's a good thing. If every single detail of the story was given away, it would cause the plot to be looked down on. People wouldn't take it seriously. However, you gave away just enough information for your reader to still be able to enjoy the story. Although, I do advise you to tweak the description a little.
Original Version:
Kim Hyuna, the girl who seems like she has everything, the body, the clothes ... every girl's role model to get a rich guy. What people didn't know she was an enclosed girl who needs true love ... she was abandoned by her mother when she was 2, and she never believe in love and miracles, until he met this poor guy, Jang Hyunseung, which changed her materialistic personality and life.
Corrected Version:
Kim Hyuna, the girl who seems like she has everything: the body, the clothes, being every girl's role model to reel in a rich guy... What people don't know is that she's an enclosed girl who actually needs true love. Being abandoned by her mother ever since the age of two, she was never able to believe in love and miracles. That was until she met Jang Hyunseung, the poor man who changed her materialistic personality and life.
You don't necessarily have to use this version, but it would make your description clearer and more enjoyable to the reader.
Plot: [2/5]
The plot wasn't anything special. To summarize it in one sentence, it would be about a rich cold girl who meets a poor man that changes her materialistic ways and they end up falling in love. Am I right?
Well, that's pretty much how every romance plot is. There's either a hate-love scenario, a marriage scenario, a friends-turn-to-lovers scenario, or in your case, a rich man-poor man scenario. In order to make the plot your own, you have to add your own little umph factor; the factor that makes your story different from others.
To do so, you add in unexpected events. You add twists here in there. Add your own personal element. By doing so, your story will become more successful and known throughout AFF.
Flow: [7/10]
It seemed a tad bit rushed, and the chapters were too short.
Writing Style: [3/5]
I like how you use slang words in your dialogue; it makes your characters seem more realistic! I mean, have you ever heard of a person who speaks perfectly without even the slightest use of slang when they speak? I'm not sure about you, but I sure haven't.
Your sentences are a little choppy. Try fixing that by combining independent clauses with a conjunction. It makes your fanfiction easier to read.
The way you write paragraphs is too clumped together and should be spread out more. The reason why it's so messy is because you don't start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking. Whenever there's a new speaker, you should automatically hit the 'enter' key on your keyboard.
Original Version:
“Hello, you must be Mrs. Kim and the cute Hyuna.” the kind-looking ahjumma greeted. “Ne, I am Mrs. Kim and this is my daughter.” Hyuna’s umma replied before looking at Hyuna. “Hyuna-ah, umma have to leave for a couple of hours and visit your appa for a while.”
Corrected Version:
"Hello, you must be Mrs. Kim and the cute Hyuna." The kind-looking ahjumma greeted.
"Ne, I am Mrs. Kim, and this is my daughter." Hyuna's umma replied before looking at her daughter.
"Hyuna-ah, Umma has to leave for a couple of hours to visit your appa for a while."
Other than that, I don't have any major problems with your writing style.
Originality: [6/10]
Your story isn't the most original out there, but you made it your own through Hyuna's character. She has her own little element of uniqueness going on by her materialistic character. That's what makes your story your story, and not like every other fanfiction on AFF.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: [7/20]
Your grammar may not be the best out there, but it's still understandable. There are some mistakes, however, that I noticed you've done repeatedly.
1. You overuse commas.
Do you even know how hard it is to survive from this cruel world, without having your family or friends around?
There is no need for a comma here.
The question of Hyuna was ignored by her mother, as a kind-looking ahjumma came out from the palace-like place.
Again, there is no need for a comma.
You maybe would be thinking that I’m a pathetic girl by now, but let me just tell you honestly, you are the one that is actually pathetic.
This is a run-on sentence. There should be a period between you and honestly instead of a comma.
I think the problem you are having with commas is that you don't know the difference between complex, compound, and simple sentences. After studying the three, you will have a better understanding about when the appropriate time to use a comma is.
2. You use ellipses incorrectly.
This is something that many, and I mean MANY, authors on AFF do. Ellipses are only supposed to be a total of three dots(...); no more and no less. There shouldn't be a space inbetween the ellipses and the interrupted sentence.
I know, that was kind of hard to explain. I think it'll be easier to show through an example.
Original:
So … when do I leave?
What the hell …
Corrected Version:
So... when do I leave?
What the hell...
See? I took out the space.
3. You overuse ellipses.
To me, the use of ellipses are to create suspense; to show that the sentence is meaningful. Although, what you do is use them at inappropriate times.
I will never ever believe in love … never …
It would have been perfectly fine to take out the first set of ellipses and just use a period.
Unnie … I have something to talk to you about …
There was no need to make this sentence seem dramatic. It would have been read the same way if you just used a comma and one set of ellipses.
4. There are grammatical errors here and there.
This could be fixed easily with just a bit of proofreading. I suggest having an editor/co-author to proofread your story and correct these mistakes. Trust me, your story will be a whole lot better afterwards.
Characterization/Details: [5/10]
I'm very sorry, but the character descriptions in the foreword ruined your score in this section. You see, the way a character is portrayed is completely up to the reader. The author's job is to influence them into thinking a character acts or looks a certain way. Their minds interpret what the character is like through the way you write. It's called imagination.
Although, by having character descriptions, you completely stripped off the reader's ability to do so.
Poster/Background: [5/5]
I like how you have a different poster on each chapter. They were all very cute and I smiled seeing each one of them. I can tell as a reader that you are dedicated in making your story look attractive, and that you put in a lot of effort into making your story better. The main poster and background were attractive, and the pictures used matched your story well.
Overall Enjoyment: [3/5]
There are perks here and there that made me enjoy your story less, but overall it was ok.
Total: [48/85]
Comments: If you ever have any questions or need help with anything, feel free to ask me. I'll be more than happy to oblige! Your story does have potential, and I'm sure if you brush up on the things I advised you about, you'll be a better writer in no time. I also think this is the best and most informational review I've given out so far. :)
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