So I've been talking to my best friend who lives on the other side of the globe (cries) and it had been a while since I talked to her with time difference and work but it felt really good. We are both kind of having some personal problems but even through the phone I could feel her support and presence. I finally officially came out to her after about 20 years of friendship and I asked her what she thought and she was like "yeah I know, you told me remember?" I was like O_________o Actually it turns out she figured with all my girl crushes and I pretty much knew she knew but I never officially said it. But it was hilarious how she brought up my on time thing with this one guy - "You have your straight moments too..." LOL

Anyway I've been talking to a lot of people about my spiral since my break up. It's been horrible, I've been horrible, terrible both to her and myself. I've basically been on a self destruct mission and I tried to control myself but little things just trigger me. But now that I've officially been cut off, it's kind of like hitting rock bottom before you can get better(?) Although I feel like I had yet to hit rock bottom but I should really stop myself. I should know better and I'm not quite sure why I'm being so stubborn about it. I really don't because I've thought about all the logical arguments and I do agree with them and yet I still feel the way I do and do what I do.

The thing is she meant a lot to me. And even after all the fighting and hurt, I still adore her somehow on my end. Maybe I'm a masocist. I don't know but for a good chunk of time she was the reason for my happiness which I hadn't really felt in a long time and it's not something that just goes away, not for me at least. But I've been told and reminded that letting go is not about forgetting but just knowing that those moments were in the past and now it's time to move on and find something else. I guess I'm still figuring out how to do that. It was afterall my first "real" relationship. But it's time to wipe the slate, I think in this case, it's better to forget because if I think about the good times, I will tend to dwell on them and wonder why it didn't mean as much to her as they did to me. (It's just things I put into my own head, things I wish I knew).

But now the sun is rising through my window, maybe I should let the moon set. Like my dear friend Syl likes to say, "the only constant is change". So wish me luck and I'll see you all on the other side.