​A/N - Okay, it's not actually Joonie's first love, but the first love he truly felt was real. The sort of love you expect will last for eternity and the one that breaks your heart the most. To be honest, I never planned for Joon to have such a broken yet commonly seen background, but it worked it that way. *shrug* so do enjoy~

@ImaVIPbaby - Aaah nope, I'm just in Korea for the week on holiday. I live in sunny singapore~~~ and soon to be freezIng London. Fun. 

@cazz_96 - Updated!

@Thunbii - Yep, it's Ji-yun and hugs for still believing in her! More on her backstory comes soon~~~

@Yas_22 - Haha thanks so much! Now that you mention it, gosh, 45 chapters. Time has really flown since I first joined AFF and posted the first chapter~ Hope you enjoy this chapter!!!

@HanSang - HUGE hug back for fun~~~ haha, yea pity the poor policeman and lil baby Mir. Both of them have bad timing! Wrong time and wrong place~ Woo and so no exams? Have a restful week then!

@T4kara - Haha and I love you too for your love! Hmm hmmm hmmm and as for the answer to your question...There is something between the two buuut whether it's right or wrong is not so easily said. And I saw your update, going to read it nooooww~~~~

@Wookielove - Yup, can't kill doongie just yet! Otherwise the rest of the story plot can't happen!!! Haha and I thought of your earlier today when I was walking along star avenue in Korea (I'm on holiday there right now) and saw a suju poster with ryeowook (is that how you spell his name right?) and went hey! It's wookie!

@Ainnurdoongie - Aw don't worry, doongie will be back in the next chapter~ Bleeeh u call scary? I'll could call you the same, we're twins after all! Haha and yes there are fishy things swimming about, Pft I don't need to argue with you unnie (you'll use the meagre age different between us in your favor again), I'll just torture you and let you wait till that chapter explaining their relationship comes out ^^ *mehrongs back* Haha and yes, a tiny joondoong moment! Just for you unnie!

Chapter 46 – Through Thunder and Lightning, he recounts his painful first love

Joon POV

“So these were the dark feelings you were talking about back then, when Sanghyun was in hospital for the second time?” Seungho asked me, dragging me out of my reverie.

I took a double take, shocked that he had remembered such a minor point so long ago. “Yeah.” I gulped. “I felt guilty. Back then, I thought Sanghyun had everything I wanted: a happy family, the perfect life and the girl of his dreams. I was jealous.”

I sighed.

“And so?” Mir probed me. “What happened then?”

“And then…Ji-yun, who I thought was Ji-eun, and I…started dating…”

4 months ago - June 2010…                                   

“I love you, you know.” She said in a dark whisper, her nose tracing circles around Joon’s cheeks. He was pressed against the wall of his bedroom, arms travelling up and down her smooth skin and mouth pressing feverent kisses to her lips, her nose, her neck.

“I know.” Joon murmured against her neck, tickling her and making her laugh. Joon loved her laugh. It contrasted her cute appearance entirely, making her seem ier and sleeker in the dark than he could have ever imagine.

Perhaps that was what he had fallen in love with: her too-perfect ‘little girl’ image.

Joon supposed he had thought it was too flawless, too…impeccable. He had liked her small stature, her doll-like features and her sweet-sounding voice. But it had made him a wolf. He wanted to stain her, taint her – fill her entire being with his presence.

Perhaps that was why when he saw Sanghyun – sweet, innocent Sanghyun – and Ji-eun together; he had thought they matched each other far too well. Two sweet kids together. Too pure. Too Angelic. Too…fairytale-like…

Joon didn’t believe in fairytales. He had long abandoned them.

He had struck the matches and burned the pages the moment his mother abandoned him and his father, her tall heels clacking loudly as she wheeled away their only suitcase – a battered, black little thing.

His father had been no better. He had become a shadow of his former self, retreating back to his classic music and long, dusky days with the bottle. So Joon had simply lived his life as if a lone person. The only star in a pitch black sky. He had gone on with life, made friends but never kept them and then gone to dance college.

The first time he had ever felt alive was when he met dancing. And then it was singing. And then it was being in mblaq with his four other brothers and the intoxicating world of blood-pumping music and screaming your heart out to glean those cheers. It was moments like that that made him feel alive. Truly alive.

And Joon was happy. He still visited his father who now ran a small coffee shop and seemed happy with his mundane life, and from time to time his mother would come visit and congratulate him on his success. His family was not a bad one, but neither was it a perfect one. And it was moments like that when Joon felt like breaking down in his somewhat imperfect family life.

Which is why when I came to girls, Joon liked them imperfect as well.

And Ji-yun, or Ji-eun as he thought she was, fitted the category perfectly.

She grazed her teeth against his cheekbone, jolting him back to his inebriating sensation of being with her. She brought him to life and he loved her for that. She was a drug to him, pumping adrenaline down his system. Perhaps she was bad for him and he for her, but like all other addicts, it was something he could not live without.

“Don’t ignore me.” Ji-yun pouted and bit down hard on his collarbone, making Joon moan with pleasure and twist his hand deep into her long black hair. She with her butterfly kisses and he tempted her with his travelling fingers that made her back arch and her eyes flutter close.

“I won’t.” Joon murmured. “So long as you never leave me. Promise me you’ll always be with me. Promise?”

Ji-yun froze and tilted her head slightly, her hand coming up to wind around a curl of hair. “I can’t promise that.” She whispered, making Joon paused with his head buried in her hair.

“Why?”

“I don’t believe in long-lasting things.” She confessed in a quiet voice. “I don’t believe in such things as tomorrow.”

Joon chose not to ask. He so badly wanted to, seeing the loneliness and pain in her eyes that tugged at his heart. Just as his heart had throbbed when his mother cried at night or when his father buried himself in his study to cut off all his emotions. But just as he did back then, he did so now. He chose not to pry, chose not to dig in further. He chose to close that door and let what would happen, happen.

Perhaps it was because of this decision that Ji-yun became so desperate and what followed, followed. Perhaps it was because of this decision that Joon lost his first, true, desperate love. And perhaps it was because of this decision that Joon did eventually find love. It’s just that it wasn’t with her.

For now it would do, Joon thought as he continued to kiss her, pulling back the top of her dress to reveal a large scar that she covered so well. She froze when he saw her scar, but relaxed when he continued kissing her. It was just another thing that he ignored.

Right here and right now, he had what he wanted.

Better than alcohol, more superior that any drug, Joon was in heaven and it was a sweet little thing called love.

Present time…

“And after that?” Ji-eun asked in a soft voice. “She broke up with you didn’t she.”

“She did.” I whispered, feeling tears come to me. “She was the drug that healed me. Therefore it hurt even more when she left.”

1 month ago - August 2010…

“What?!” Joon yelled, staring at disbelief at his girlfriend of two months. “Y-you want to break up?”

Ji-yun stared at his with firm eyes. She crossed her arms. “I don’t ‘want’ to break up, Changsun.” She whispered. “I am going to break up with you.”

“Why!” Joon couldn’t help the desperation that crept into his voice. Like an addict, he didn’t know if could survive the withdrawal symptoms of not having his daily dose. “Did I do something wrong?”

That made Ji-yun laugh. “Oh, Changsun.” She smiled and reached out with one hand to touch his cheek. “It’s not you. It was never about you.”

Joon could only blink at her cryptic words. “I’m breaking up with you because I don’t love you.”

“What?!” Joon’s head was spinning crazily, like the tea cup ride at an amusement park on full acceleration. “B-but you said…”

Ji-yun gave a harsh laugh. “Sure, I’ve said it before. But do you really think I meant it?”

Joon’s eyes widened in disbelief at what he was hearing. He staggered backwards and fell onto the bed.

“So you never loved me?” he asked in a cracked voice. “Or are you making it up now.”

“Why would I make it up, oppa.” Ji-yun used a sugary-sweet tone that Joon always hated. “From the beginning, I have always loved someone else.

Joon’s heart splintered at those words. “Who?” he demanded in a ghost-like voice.

Ji-yun stared at him for a moment wondering how far she should take this. She knew this moment had been coming for a long time but to tell the truth she had grown fond of Joon over the last two months. She had enjoyed being with him – he chased away her loneliness and the dark shadows that crept along the corridor every time she tried to fall asleep.

She had first seen him with Sanghyun at some restaurant she no longer remembered. His face was what caught her eye: classically etched with a hint of lonesomeness and pain, just like some sort of Greek god forever preserved in marble. She felt some sort of connection with him and that was why when she saw him sitting on that bench in the middle of the night, eyes lost in some other world, she had stepped forwards against her better logic.

And she hadn’t regretted the last two months.

But she regretted having to come to this moment. She couldn’t let this continue anymore because she was running the risk of being discovered. Ji-eun was gaining popularity and soon enough Joon would connect the dots. He wasn’t the muscle babo everyone thought he was. He was smart in his own rights and soon enough he would spot that the real Ji-eun had no scars or that Ji-yun was taller than her twin by two centimeters. These small things – it was those things that Joon always noticed but somehow never spoke about.

But that wouldn’t last.

Nothing ever lasted.

Even those marble statues would crumble one day into dust and sand, forever removed from history by the undeniable tug of the wind. And it was that day with Ji-yun dreaded the most. So she would end it all before that day came.

“Sanghyun.” Ji-yun said and she knew in that moment, Joon would break.

And he did.

He looked up at her, eyes bottomless pits and mouth half-open. “Sanghyun?” he asked as if he couldn’t believe his ears. “Park Sanghyun? My bandmember…?”

“Yes.” Ji-yun steeled her voice.

Joon crumpled back onto the bed, arms splayed out and let the tears fall. He let out a hysterical laugh. “I should’ve guessed. You were always close to him even back then. And yet…I dared to believe that you came to me.”

He lifted his head and stared at her. “Did you date me to get closer to him?”

Ji-yun’s eyes widened. She hadn’t, but…maybe this was what it would take to get him to believe. “Yes.” She said.

Joon let his head fall back onto the bed. “Go.” He said.

“What?!” Ji-yun was shocked at his simple command.

“I said, GO!” Joon roared, his entire body and perfect muscles tensed. He tried to suppress the desire to punch something. “Leave, get out. Need I make myself clearer!?”

Ji-yun said nothing. She just imprinted her last memory of him lying there, dark sinful temptation, and left. She would always remember him somewhere in her heart even though she knew that Sanghyun always came first.

Therefore, she didn’t allow herself the luxury of crying.

There was no way in hell she deserved it.

Present time…

“She left me that night. It must have been a few days before we all reunited for our comeback preparations and then Sanghyun didn’t come home on time. After then, I forgot about her for a while. Or more like I put her on the backbender.” I finished my story. “I tried not to think about her, but when Sanghyun came back and he was so damn secretive…I couldn’t help but feel it was all his fault.”

I clenched my fists and buried my face in my pillow. “It wasn’t his fault of course, but I just wanted to blame someone and the easiest target was Sanghyun.”

“And then?” Ji-eun softly asked me. “You never suspected she was Ji-yun.”

“No.” I shook my head, voice muffled by the pillow. “How could I? No one ever knew you had a twin.”

“But you were never suspicious?”

 “He was, weren’t you hyung?” Mir spoke up. I turned to him and frowned.

“Well I suppose I was a little.” I confessed. “But it was only after we broke up and the problems with Sanghyun appeared. I became a little…apprehensive…of Ji-yun’s words.”

“How so?” Seungho was fully engaged in my words.

“It was after Sanghyun collapsed at the beach and we were all investigating. Seungho-hyung came to me and just as I was about to suggest asking Ji-eun, he told me that Sanghyun had spent a month with her.” I took a deep breath. “The exact month I knew I had been dating Ji-yun for.”

I let this sink in first before continuing. “It was then that I started getting a little wary. But I was too afraid of talking to Ji-eun in person, so I asked Mir.”

“Yeah, hyung asked me to check out Ji-eun’s past.” Mir took ahold of the story baton. “When Seungho-hyung, Byunghee-hyung and I went to Ji-eun’s house, Joonie-hyung asked me beforehand to check out her family. Look at anything that might be a little suspicious. So I checked out stuff like her family portraits and-“

“And my photoalbum.” Ji-eun finished, remembering her irritated emotions at Mir’s weird interest in her family photos. Now it all made sense.

“Yeah.” Mir nodded. “If I hadn’t, we might have never discovered the fact that Sanghyun had been your boyfriend or that you had a twin.”

“And then,” I chose to continue the story. “When Sanghyun went crazy at the hospital and Ji-eun came to visit him, everything clicked into place. I mean you never even looked at me once, which I found weird. True, we had theoretically broken up, but to ignored me outright? And you acted so differently, it was like I had just met a different person.”

“It must have also been when we mentioned that Ji-eun had a twin.” Seungho chipped in.

I nodded. “That was the deciding moment. Only then did I realize that I had been dating Ji-yun all along. I didn’t tell you all then because Ji-eun’s father was involved and well… I was a little shocked myself.”

“And since then you haven’t seen Ji-yun?” Ji-eun asked.

I shook my head. “No. Not until last night.” A wistful gaze came over my face as I saw her for what had felt like the longest month of my life. “But I recognized her instantly. Now that I know who Ji-eun is, I can see that Ji-yun is completely different.”

“If it’s Ji-yun who took Sanghyun.” Ji-eun closed her eyes and clasped her hands close together. “Then there’s only one place she’ll have gone.”

“Where?!” we all turned to stare at her hungrily.

Ji-eun shook her head. “I’m not certain, but it’s a hunch. I’m going to check it out.” She her heel and headed for the door.

“Wait!” I yelled after her. “I’m coming too!”

That made Ji-eun giggled. “Oppa,” she looked at my leg. “Did you forget?”

I blushed and scratched my head sheepishly. “Well…”

“Don’t be silly,” she spoke to us all in a firmer voice, one that Ji-yun never had. She always lacked confidence. “You’re all in hospital for a reason. I’m the only one who’s physically fit enough. It’s only an idea anyway. I’ll report back to you if I find out anything. For now, just rest okay!” she gave us a stern look.

“But-“ Dara protested.

“But nothing!” Ji-eun cut her off. “No excuses. You won’t help Sanghyun if you’re all injured like this. I’ll be fine and I promise I’ll let you know if anything happens.”

With that she dashed out of the room, leaving us all behind in silence and bearing the terrible ordeal of being able to do nothing but wait.

A/N - Um so yeah, it was quite a dark chapter huh. Completely different to sanghyun and Ji-runs sweeter relationship. Ithink I was listening to some dark music or something then... Anyhoo, comment and let me know. Next chapter, we're continuing from where we left off with sanghyun's kidnapping! Until then~

And if you're bored, check out Come to Appa by buenaxoxo   It's a sanghyunxjieun fix with adorable Leo in it!!!