1. Arboretum

 

Jaejoong bounced from one foot to the other, staring up at the clouds making slow progress across the sky as he waited. It was a beautiful day, not too hot, just enough breeze to keep you warm and not chilly, and the sky was a bright and beautiful shade of blue. He lowered his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose to get a better look, then swiftly pushed them up again as a group of teenagers walked past him. It might be okay for him to be recognized here, but it might not. It depended on what he was actually doing here. And he still wasn’t sure.

 

Yunho walked back from the ticket booth and handed Jaejoong his, his fingers—maybe—lingering a little bit longer than necessary when he passed it. They looked at each other, then their eyes darted away sheepishly after a few seconds. The awkwardness was still there, and probably would stay there for a while. Romance movies always made it seem like the easiest, most natural thing to fall in love with a person who had been your friend, but it really wasn’t. You couldn’t leap from 0 to 100 in a single second and go on a careless joyride without the risk of losing everything good about what you had and wanted to have. You had to ease into it, increase speed slowly, be mindful of the person you were with and what they were comfortable with, and enjoy a bit of a leisurely ride before finally stepping on the gas.

 

And that was what they were doing today. Probably. Yunho hadn’t said as much, and Jaejoong hadn’t asked. But following the flow of Jaejoong confessing his feelings, Yunho responding that he probably—that hated word Jaejoong wanted to shed immediately—felt the same way, the resulting awkwardness and confusion between them, and then Yunho asking him to come on a walk through the botanical gardens with him without asking a single other member or manager whatsoever probably meant it was a date or at least an attempt at one.  Jaejoong hoped it was. Yunho wasn’t the kind of person to take him all the way here just to announce that he wasn’t interested in pursuing something after all. If anything, the entire thing screamed of Yunho trying to create a special event for them, a beautiful drama-like memory of being together surrounded by pretty things on a warm day as they started to change their friendship into love.

 

“Is there anything in particular you wanted to see?” Yunho asked, gently putting his hand on Jaejoong’s back for a moment to start them off walking. Even if this was a date, they couldn’t go around holding hands where they were, especially if anyone caught onto the fact that it was them. If they were noticed, they could pull up some story of being here for a photoshoot and run off, but it would be harder to explain if they were found looking like a couple. Especially since they were in the midst of becoming exactly what so many of their fans assumed they were. Strange how that had worked.

 

“Let’s just walk,” Jaejoong said. “I’m sure it’s all beautiful.”

 

Yunho nodded. A breeze stirred, and the aroma of flowers filled the air around them. They looked at each other, and this time they didn’t look away. Yunho’s lips turned up at the corners into a smile, and Jaejoong’s heart ached to see it. Not because he loved this person one-sidedly anymore, but because this person was becoming his and his heart barely knew what to do with that knowledge.

 

As they entered into the gardens, they crossed a bridge that took them over a lake covered in lilypads which overlooked a small red pagoda in the center. Most people stopped and took photos, but they kept on walking. Everything was gorgeous, but they weren’t here for that this time. Maybe another time. Although Jaejoong couldn’t quite believe he would ever find anything as interesting and beautiful as the person standing beside him. The lake, the lilypads, the flowers, the pagoda were all just adornments in the picture. Yunho was its center.

 

“Hey,” Yunho said. Their knuckles brushed as they walked side by side. “Can I tell you something?”

 

“Sure. Of course.”

 

“You were speaking with me seriously the other day. So I probably should have responded to you more clearly than I did.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“When someone tells you that they love you, you shouldn’t say something like ‘It’s probably the same for me, I think,’ especially if that isn’t how it really is. It’s lame, right? Everyone wants to tell the story of how they fell in love with the person they’re with, but who wants to add something like ‘I love you, probably’ to the story?”

 

Jaejoong looked down at his feet. “It was enough for me.”

 

“Yeah, maybe. But you told me honestly. I owe you that much, to do the same.”

 

“And?”

 

“And.” They approached a fork in the road, and Yunho led him down the path leading to the arboretum rather than the flower gardens. There weren’t as many people down that way, and the noise around them little by little died down.

 

“And,” Yunho continued, “I’m not a complete idiot. You caught me off guard a little bit, but I knew how you felt before you told me. No one looks at me like you do. Not even other people who’ve said they loved me before. I thought maybe once or twice you were joking, but…” He shrugged. “Really, there’s no way.  There’s no way that could be a joke. So I was already thinking about it before you told me. And I already knew.”

 

“Knew what?”

 

“That… that if you told me, and if I was right about you loving me, that would mean I was right about me, too. About me starting to fall in love with you.”

 

Jaejoong stopped in his tracks. “No ‘probably’?”

 

Yunho smiled guiltily. “Absolutely no ‘probably’. This isn’t something I would joke about either…”

 

Jaejoong's blood rushed to his face, and he ducked his head to hide it. He was thankful for his long hair, his sunglasses, the shade of the gingko tree they had stopped under. Even though this was a side of himself he could show to the person he loved now, he still wasn’t used to it. He didn’t know how he could get used to it, this thudding inside his chest, the excitement of his nerves, the happiness that flooded and bottled up inside him at the thought that right here, right now, something was finally beginning between them.

 

“So,” he said, little by little looking up. “This was a date, then.”

 

“Wasn’t that obvious?”

 

“Obvious or not, it’s important. This is our first.”

 

“Our first, maybe,” Yunho said, taking his hand and squeezing it, “but the first of many, definitely.”

 

 

2. Laundry Room

 

They were adults now, but it didn’t feel like they were dating like adults. When you confessed at a certain age, you didn’t wait around wondering “By which date should we be kissing?”, but just dove right in. They were still taking it slowly, like school students. They couldn’t have kissed in the middle of the arboretum or at the coffee shop Yunho took him to on their next date, or even at the dorms, because once you shook off one member, another one appeared and there wasn’t a way to get rid of them all at once.

 

Jaejoong understood they had to progress slowly. But this slowly wasn’t good. If they got used to not kissing just because there wasn’t a good time or place to start it, they’d miss out on a passionate relationship because they'd become comfortable enough without one. The longing was nice in its own way, and he liked how Yunho looked at him hungrily, desirous and not properly satisfied, but if things stayed the way they were, he’d grow accustomed to not getting what he wanted. He’d get bored. He might start wanting something else.

 

“Why don’t you ever leave?” Jaejoong asked Yoochun, who he was sharing a room with after the last rearrange.

 

Yoochun shrugged. “Why would I leave? We have a schedule every other minute. If I took one step out of the house, I’d have to turn right back around and get ready to go to our next appointment.”

 

“We don’t have anything going on today.”

 

“Right. And I want to nap.”

 

“There are times I want the bedroom to myself, you know.”

 

“If you need ‘alone time,’ there’s always the bathroom.” He paused. “But if you want to get it on with leader, I’d actually prefer it if you didn’t do it in our bedroom.”

 

Jaejoong’s head snapped up. “You knew?”

 

“Not too hard to figure out when you both have to wipe up drool whenever you stare at each other, but yeah.”

 

“What if it wasn’t ? I just want to be alone with him for a while. Even if it’s just a little bit.”

 

Yoochun tilted his head. “Fine, I get it. How about this? I have a load of laundry to do, but I want to nap right now. You do the laundry, and I’ll get my sleeping done while you’re gone. When you come back, I’ll give you the room to yourself for two hours as ‘thank you’. Deal?”

 

“Deal,” Jaejoong said right away.

 

“Good.” He pointed to the bag of laundry in the closet. “Have fun.”

 

Jaejoong pulled the bag down to the ground floor where their dorm had a washer and dryer set up, though more often than not, it was a hired cleaning service that took care of their things rather than the members themselves. Today, there was a huge mattress pad propped up in front of the washer. Apparently, someone else was already planning on using the laundry room.

 

“Who’s there?” Yunho asked, poking his head out from around the mattress pad. Jaejoong dropped Yoochun’s laundry bag in surprise and cursed.

 

“Holy . Don’t do that! I almost had a heart attack!”

 

Yunho laughed. “Cute. I’m sorry, but I’ll be needing the washer. Junsu’s making me do all of his sheets today.”

 

“Why is he making you?”

 

“Well, it’s more like a bargain. So he’ll owe me a favor. And maybe get out of the room for two seconds for me.”

 

“That’s funny. Yoochun’s ‘making’ me do the same thing.”

 

Yunho glanced down at the spilled bag of laundry. “I see.”

 

“Think they’re doing this on purpose?”

 

“Wouldn’t put it past them.”

 

Yunho pushed the mattress pad aside and nudged Yoochun’s laundry bag away with his foot, putting his hands on Jaejoong’s shoulders. “You know what I think?”

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“Screw them.”

 

Yunho’s kiss defied expectations. Maybe that was because Jaejoong hadn’t really known what to expect because kissing someone he was this much in love with was new, but whatever he’d been imagining fell to pieces when their lips touched. Even though it was the first kiss between them, and they’d been taking things slowly, they both took their feet off the brakes right away. Yunho grabbed him by the waist, crushing their lips together, taking what they had been holding back, satisfying the hunger that had built up to the point where the only release was devouring each other.

 

Somehow—Jaejoong couldn’t remember, distracted as he was by other things—he ended pushed into Junsu’s pile of sheets, clinging to Yunho’s back. Yunho released hold of his lips for a second, long enough for them to catch their breath and check each other’s reactions, then they were pressed up against each other all over again, hands grasping for skin, low sighs accumulating in their throats, the air becoming steadily hotter.

 

They pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes. No one looks at me like you do. He understood that now. Yunho’s eyes were dazed, elated, and still wanting. And Jaejoong was the one inside them.

 

He was just about to kiss Yunho again when he heard someone clearing their throat. They both looked at the doorway of the laundry room. Junsu and Yoochun were standing there, Yoochun looking amused and Junsu halfway between mad and embarrassed.

 

“Well, looks like they’re going to do this whether we’re in the way or not,” Yoochun said, snickering. “Told you.”

 

“Why is this funny? They’re going to end up in big trouble. Big. Trouble.”

 

“And even bigger trouble if they end up ually frustrated and pouncing each other wherever.”

 

“Fine!” Junsu folded his arms across his chest. “You guys can date. Just… no more ‘dates’ on my bedsheets, okay?”     

 

3. Place de la Concorde

 

“Auuuuuuux Champs-Elyseesssssss!” Junsu belted from the bathroom. Jaejoong was beginning to wonder if that song would ever get out of their heads, or if it was stuck there permanently thanks to constant repetition.

 

While Junsu hogged the shower, Jaejoong stepped over to the window and peered out. Paris at night was lovely. The streets were still lit up, and the lights were reflected on the Seine, making everything look as awake and vibrant as it had in the morning. He didn’t want to sleep, even though he was tired. He still felt like there was much more to do.

 

Someone knocked on their door, and he crossed the room to answer it. Yunho. Like Jaejoong, he was still wearing his day clothes, although he’d freshened up a little since they’d split into their hotel rooms.

 

“Want to sneak out?” he asked.

 

“You’re not being very secretive. If that’s what you’re going for.”

 

“I checked in the staff room. They passed out already. Let’s go.”

 

“Shouldn’t I tell Junsu?”

 

“Junsu ah, I’m borrowing Jaejoongie!” Yunho yelled at the bathroom door. That taken care of, he grabbed Jaejoong’s hand and led him outside.

 

On this date, he didn’t let go of Jaejoong’s hands as they walked down the Parisian streets. It was night, for one, and even though they weren’t sure if they were wrong or not, they assumed the Europeans were more liberal minded than people back home.

 

They were aimless, for the most part. Neither of them wanted to go too far, in case they couldn’t find their way back. Between the two of them, neither their French nor English would help them in talking to the natives about directions, unless, of course, they wanted to be aux Champs Elysees.

 

Yunho was grinning ear to ear; Jaejoong thought being in a country where they weren’t being mobbed agreed well with him. It did for Jaejoong, too. They were like little kids, running off and pointing out the things they liked, tugging on each other’s coats, making stupid jokes and laughing at them hysterically because no one could understand them.

 

They reached a fountain and stopped a moment to rest on its lip. “Oh, I got you something,” Yunho said, pulling a small bag out of his coat pocket. “Or more like it’s something I got us.”

 

He handed it to Jaejoong, and Jaejoong pulled it open. They were rings. Two of them, twin rings, though Yunho’s was slightly bigger. It was a good brand, too. Jaejoong wasn’t a jewelry expert, but he knew Cartier was worth more than their company enjoyed actually paying them.

 

“You’re not allowed to protest,” Yunho said. “I got them because I wanted to.”

 

Jaejoong nodded and lifted his up. It was so small when you looked at it like this. One careless movement of his fingers and it could be sent flying on the cobblestone or buried in the fountain among the coins thrown there by wish-makers. But at the same time, he thought that maybe it was the most important thing that had ever been given to him. Not for what it was or how much it had cost, but for how Yunho had meant it. This wasn’t something you gave to a person with a small degree of importance to you. At least Yunho wouldn’t. Coming from him, it meant something serious for certain.

 

 

“You really love me,” Jaejoong murmured, sliding it onto his finger.

 

“You didn’t know that?”

 

“No. I knew that. But… there are times you feel it more than others. This is one of them.”

 

Yunho frowned. “I need to do a better job the rest of the time, then.”

 

Jaejoong leaned into his shoulder, shaking his head. “Have mercy on my heart, please. Everything you do is enough. It’s always been good enough. I don’t know if I can handle too much.”

 

“That’s too bad. I want to give you too much all the time.”

 

“Then make sure I’m ready when you do.” He smiled and watched the lights from the boats on the Seine, the lights from the buildings in the distance, including their hotel. “I’ll take everything, if it’s you.”

 

 

4. Prelude

 

After a while, maybe because their lives were a whirlwind and they had to take what moments they could when they could get them, things stopped progressing slowly. They tore out their brakes and hurtled ahead, all speed and passion and sometimes even recklessness. That was how it was for both Yunho and Jaejoong when they were alone, which happened too infrequently, but often enough. Osen trips in Japan which ended with their beautiful yukata strewn on the floor. Hotels in foreign cities after their concerts. Their own dorm, now that the members made themselves scarcer in the evening. It was wild and exhilarating, and right. Jaejoong loved the rush that filled him. He loved being driven to the brink, of having a degree of control over at least one part of his life. The most beautiful part.

 

Sometimes he’d wake up at night and pause to take a look at the world that had gone speeding by him. He was happy. Blissfully happy. But the world he returned to in those moments was still the same as it had always been. Restricted, secret, and unwelcome. Yunho understood that—or accepted it—more than Jaejoong did. His brakes came back when they needed to. When there were cameras or people or both, Yunho was careful. Jaejoong tried to, but was not. He didn’t know how to keep his world, his happiness, contained to dates or hotel rooms when it existed inside and outside.

 

“You’re going to get in Big. Trouble,” Junsu always said. “If someone finds out, you have no one to blame but yourselves,” Changmin said, though indifferently. “You guys are poster kids for obvious,” Yoochun laughed. Even Yunho was worried. He tried to cool him down, but Jaejoong was like fire. He couldn’t be put out.

 

The world should change, not him. He was happy. He was fine.

 

 

 5. Restaurant

 

Jaejoong stabbed into his pork cutlet with ferocity. It was a nice restaurant and Yunho had clearly spent a lot on their reservation, but he was still annoyed. It was like a consolation gift. Like a husband only buying flowers for his wife when he was in trouble. With that, he couldn’t make the food taste good. He was frankly too pissed to care.

 

“What now?” Yunho asked, setting down his silverware.

 

“What do you mean ‘what now?’ You make it sound like I’m always being annoying to you.”

 

“That’s not how I meant it.”

 

“Well. That’s how you said it.”

 

“Jaejoong.”

 

“What?”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I told you. If you’re going to cheat on me, you should at least make it less obvious.”

 

“I’m not cheating on you.”

 

“Well, that girl in your little club wants you to. Why should I have to log online and have to see all those pictures she takes with you?”

 

“She takes them with everyone.”

 

“She takes more with you.”

 

“I get bonus points for being in one of the nation’s most popular groups. It happens.”

 

“Why don’t you tell her no?”

 

“She’s a friend. There’s no reason why I can’t take a picture with her.”

 

“You don’t take any with me.”

 

“We’re in the same group. We show up in pictures all the time.”

 

“It’s different.”

 

“So I guess that it’s all my fault for not understanding why it’s different, then?”

 

“Yes.” Jaejoong rose to his feet. “Sometimes I think it would be better if we broke up. You know that?”

 

Yunho stared at him. “Don’t say that.”

 

“Why? I know you’re embarrassed by me. Who gets embarrassed by the person they love? So you really don’t love me, do you? You’d be happier to be normal again. And you can only make that happen if I’m not there anymore. So let’s break up. Go out with that girl. I don’t care. It’ll be better for me if we end this now. It’ll be better…”

 

“Kim Jaejoong, would you stop saying that?’ Yunho snapped, slamming his hands against the table.

 

Jaejoong’s skin flushed. He knew he was being stupid, unreasonable, and annoying. Yunho wouldn’t cheat on him. If he said there was nothing between that girl and him, there wasn’t. But he couldn’t keep himself from hating it. He hated the dating rumor articles, but more than that, he hated the secrecy, the impossibility of what they were to everyone else. He used to love when Yunho asked him to go out, but now it made him bitter—the effort it took to shake off stalkers, the disguises, the fact that most of their dates happened on schedules rather than outside of them. The fact that Yunho could go where he wanted with his friends in comparison, the way he looked like he was having fun with them in pictures. Like it was more fun than when he was with Jaejoong.

 

“I will,” Jaejoong said. “Because I don’t want to talk anymore. Have fun with your friends. Lots.”

 

Before Yunho could stop him, he was outside of the restaurant and hailing a cab. He was too upset to continue the conversation at the moment. Not necessarily at Yunho. He knew it was his fault as well. There was no reason to be unhappy. Even if there were restrictions, they could still be together. There was that. And it clearly wasn’t a problem for Yunho. Why did he have to take it so personally all the time?

 

But at the same time, the fact that it was so personal for him made it worse that Yunho didn’t care. Did he love Jaejoong as much as he was loved by him? Jaejoong wondered. When it reached the point where it would be expected for them to be dating—dating women—would he care then? Would he care when his parents caught wind of exactly what was going on?

 

Still, he felt terrible with himself. He’d said the words sometimes I think it would be better if we broke up. And that was wrong. Nothing would be better. Nothing could be worse than Yunho not loving him anymore.

 

He mourned his idiocy and Yunho’s in the dorm until he received a call a few hours later on Yunho’s number. “Is this Kim Jaejoong-ssi?” the person on the other line asked. “I’m calling from Yunho’s number. He’s completely drunk right now. I hate to ask, but could you help him get home?”

 

“Can’t he take a taxi?”

 

“Well… he’s kind of insisting on seeing you and stuff. I don’t know. He’s not acting like himself. I don’t know what to do with him.”

 

Since Jaejoong had done as much in the past, he it up and got dressed. Their meet up place was close at least. He shook off Yunho’s drunk friends and found him dozing in the corner. It didn’t look like a particularly peaceful sleep either, thanks to his slack jawed expression. Jaejoong grabbed him and hoisted him up, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

 

“Need help?” the girl who always took pictures asked.

 

“No,” he said, even though he did.

 

“You two are cute,” she giggled. Also drunk. “Do you come as a package deal? I’d eat you up.”

 

“I’ll pass,” Jaejoong said. He dragged the dead weight of Yunho out to the car and shoved him in.

 

“Kim Jaejoong,” Yunho muttered under his breath. “Why the are you doing this to me?”

 

Jaejoong glanced over at him, thinking he might be awake. He wasn’t. His breath reeked of alcohol. He was either saying things he didn’t mean to say, or saying exactly what he meant.

 

“Break up? you. that.” This time he cracked open an eye, which for him, didn’t necessarily mean he was awake, although he may have been now. “You hear me, Kim Jaejoong?”

 

“I hear you,” Jaejoong said softly. “I’m sorry.”

 

Yunho was like that the rest of the way home, muttering and cursing. Jaejoong would apologize properly in the morning. They’d talk about it and make up. But his self-dissatisfaction didn’t let up. He didn’t hate what Yunho was saying. He hated that he’d made him say it.

 

6. Home

 

They made up, and things started getting better for them after they’d talked. They were better, but everything else started getting worse. He didn’t get it. They were more popular than ever, they’d finally hit the top in Japan, by all accounts, they should have been better than they ever were. He wondered when he stopped feeling that way. His body was constantly exhausted. His mood was testy. The checks he sent home to the family he barely saw anymore didn’t seem like they were increasing as much as they should have.

 

He tried to stay positive when he was with Yunho. If it was hard for Jaejoong, it had to be harder for him as the group leader. Besides, Yunho was the best and most important thing he had. He didn’t want to spoil that any more. He never wanted the words let’s break up to cross his lips again.

 

“You’re looking sick again,” Yunho commented on their way home from dance practice. “Have you been sleeping well?”

 

“I’m fine,” Jaejoong said. “You?”

 

“All right. I could use a break.”

 

“Let’s not go out tonight, then,” Jaejoong said. They’d been planning to go out for dinner, but he didn’t really want to anymore. Even that sounded exhausting.

 

“Yeah. Let’s do something at home instead.”

 

They had to shower first, which Yunho said they should do together to save time though it didn’t prove to be much of a time saver considering what it naturally led to. After they had cleaned up—really cleaned this time—they dressed in sloppy sweats and t-shirts with logos they didn’t understand in English across the chest and plopped down on the couch. Jaejoong  One Piece and Yunho brought in two heaping bowls of vanilla ice cream. Jaejoong loved it. It didn’t feel like they were idols, like this. It felt like they were two losers spending a night inside together, not caring what they looked or acted like since it was just them and no one else.

 

They marathoned One Piece until late in the evening, and once the episodes were cut off, they stayed on the couch, wrapped in each other’s arms. It was a good feeling, and warm. But in the back of his mind, he felt a little bit more uncertain than he usually did. What if he didn’t have this anymore?  What if, for some reason or another, it was pulled away from him or slipped from his grasp and he had nothing there to hold onto anymore?

 

The thought chilled him. He didn’t understand why he was even thinking it to begin with. Sure they had fought, but they’d also made up, and things were good. Even if Yunho had lost a little faith in him for even mentioning the idea of breaking up, he’d been furious enough at the idea that it was clear that he didn’t want to. There was most likely nothing at all worth worrying about.

 

But even if there was nothing to worry about with Yunho, there was with everything else. The world around him unsettled him. He wondered if he was taking the right path or if there had been a wrong turn made somewhere, and if there had been, if he had been the one at fault. He didn’t like not knowing. He didn’t like having anything to be anxious over when Yunho was holding him in his arms.

 

Yunho buried his face in Jaejoong’s hair. “Please don’t be unhappy,” he murmured. “Is there something you want to do? I’ll do anything.”

 

Jaejoong squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out everything but the feel of Yunho’s lips against his head. “It’s okay. You’re not doing anything wrong.”

 

7. Cafeteria

 

“Want to get something from the cafeteria with me?” Yunho asked, wiping down his post-dance practice sweat with a towel.

 

“How romantic,” Jaejoong said. “Your treat?”

 

“I meant the SM cafeteria. Free of charge.”

 

“That’s what you think. It’s probably coming directly out of our paychecks.”

 

“Whatever the case is, I’m not going to say no to food.”

 

The two of them picked up lunch sets from the staff and dug in after grabbing a table. It was inexpensive meat, but passable; more than anything it was incentive to stay in the company building where there was at least food on hand. On other schedules, it wasn’t a given. Sometimes he felt like weeping in relief whenever they were involved in eating programs and getting something decent in their systems was guaranteed. Even if they were shows where they had to compete for food, unless the PDs were completely sadistic, they kept the meals the group had failed to earn for them after the program had ended.

 

They were only about half way through their meal when Hangeng stopped by their table. Jaejoong was surprised to see him. He had been absent a lot whenever it wasn’t necessary to promote, and he’d heard something about him being sick from Heechul. The group was preparing for a new album, and Jaejoong knew as well as anyone how exhausting that could be. Hangeng definitely looked like he was feeling the fatigue of it.

 

“Can I talk to you guys for a few minutes?” he asked.

 

“Go right ahead.”

 

“Thanks.” He looked over at Jaejoong. “I was talking to Junsu ah earlier, and he told me that you were trying to get ahold of SM’s copy of your contract. You were having issues getting it, right?”

 

Yunho blinked. “Why are you trying to get ahold of your contract? We all have our own copies on file.”

 

“Yeah, but I was just thinking there might be some kind of issue with it,” Jaejoong said quickly. “With our profits. I just wanted to make a thorough double check.”

 

“You had every right to be concerned, turns out.” Hangeng passed a folder to Jaejoong. “We’re trying to renegotiate some of my activity restrictions in Korea, so I got to see the contract the company has on file for me. I was looking through it, and noticed parts of it were off, so I brought it to the attention of the lawyer we’re working with in China. He went through and highlighted everything that was different from what I'd agreed to in my original contract. And… well, you can see for yourself.”

 

Jaejoong stared at the file. He thought only one or two things would be different. But there were highlighter marks across several of the pages on subjects regarding profits and promotions, all changed either slightly or entirely. One page was littered with post-it notes in Chinese writing left by the lawyer. The highlighted statement on that page showed the binding length of the contract Thirteen years.

 

Jaejoong lowered the page solemnly. “What I was suspecting,” he said hollowly. “It was all true.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Yunho looked at the contract over Jaejoong’s shoulder, his expression hardening. “Are these changes only for you because of the issues with China?”

 

“I don’t know. Either way, nobody informed me that they were doing this. If it's like this for the rest of you, it’s worth finding out, isn’t it?”

 

When Hangeng left, Jaejoong stared blankly into the remains of his lunch set. It was true. True for Hangeng, and maybe true for the rest of them, too. And it wasn’t something he could simply let go of. The five of them had worked hard. They had gone above and beyond what they’d signed up for, and even though they had a lot to show for it—awards, their career in Japan, recognition throughout all of Asia—there was a lot left missing. Their earnings didn’t match.  It felt like they had barely any trust when it came to their own music. Between Japan and Korea, there were no breaks. There was never a moment when their schedules didn’t have activities loaded on top of activities.

 

“Jaejoong,” Yunho said carefully. “What are you thinking? Talk to me.”

 

“We have to find out,” Jaejoong said. “We need to make sure if they’re doing this to us, too.”

 

“Okay. I understand. But what then? What if it is us, too?”

 

“Isn’t it obvious? If they broke the law, we have to fight it. And if they don’t change it themselves…”

 

“Then it would be like Shinhwa sunbaenim. You’d have to sue.”

 

Jaejoong frowned. Naming rights had been a smaller issue, and the company hadn’t been breaking the law in that case. This was something different. If they or the company took it to court, it would be a huge issue. How could they possibly let it come to that? Reputation was just as important for businesses as it was for artists, and once that was lost, the public wasn’t always forgiving.

 

“If it comes to that, it comes to that,” Jaejoong said. “It’s what they would deserve for doing this to us.” He paused. “You don’t agree?”

 

Yunho sighed. “It’s not that I don’t agree. But think of the worst case scenario: it’s true, and we have to deal with it legally. If we lose, things become worse than they were before. If we win, they could kick us out permanently.”

 

“What’s bad about that? It’s not like someone else wouldn’t sign us.”

 

“Because if we win and we’re kicked out, the only thing we’ll be taking with us is compensation money. Nothing else.”

 

Jaejoong tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

 

“Our name isn’t ours. Our songs aren’t ours. Almost everything we’ve done up until now, legally, doesn’t count as ‘ours.’ If we take them down, they can take everything away from us. That is something I absolutely do not want to happen.”

 

“They’re treating us like slaves. We’re not even getting paid enough for it, and you’d let them get away with it?”

 

“I know we earned money we’re not getting,” he said. “I know that it’s wrong, that it’s not something we should accept. But along with the money, we earned our reputation, our fans, our music, our legacy, everything we are. We spent all that time learning those dances, memorizing those songs, putting on those performances, working to make ourselves popular out of nothing overseas, doing whatever it took.” He looked at Jaejoong. “They can take the money, if they want. It’s all the other stuff that I have to protect, as the leader.”

 

“We can fight them for all of those things, too. Like Shinhwa sunbaenim.”

 

“For how long? How long will that take?”

 

Jaejoong sighed. “Look. I get what you’re saying. But we’re talking about justice. And not just for us, but everyone here. Why should everything we have belong to them? Why can’t we own our songs and make our own way? They act like we owe everything to them, but we can do so much more when we’re not being held back.” He reached over and took Yunho’s hand. “You were like this when that girl tried to poison you. Maybe you value endurance over justice. But there are some things you shouldn’t have to endure.”

 

Yunho stared down at their joined hands. “You’re going to pursue this?”

 

“I have to.”

 

“Fine. Fine. But I’m begging you, if something has to be done about it, make sure to check every option we have. I don’t want that worst case scenario to happen.”

 

“Got it. Whatever happens, I’m sure there will be some kind of way out of it for us. We’ll make this work.”

 

He wished his voice could have sounded more convinced, for Yunho’s sake. He wished for his own sake that Yunho could have looked a little more like he believed him.

 

8. Interlude

 

Their dates started to stop after that. The worst case scenario happened, and it didn’t unfold at all like he thought it would. He believed in his decision and knew it was the right thing for him. But he couldn’t convince Yunho that it was right for him as well. He tried whatever he could. He begged, he threatened, he constructed arguments, he enlisted Junsu and Yoochun. But Yunho fought him back at every step. It turned from two people trying to understand each other to two people who refused to cave.

 

Yunho was the one to say it this time, in the end. Maybe it would be better if we just broke up. He looked halfway amazed at those words coming from his own mouth, but he didn’t take them back. I’ll get in the way of whatever you’re planning on doing now. It’s not like we’ll be able to see each other, anyways.

 

Jaejoong hadn’t been surprised. He’d been heartbroken—an almost unbearable kind of heartbroken because it was piled on top of all the other heartbreaking things that had been happening to him—but not surprised. They’d stayed together during the majority of the conflict, but it had been a very angry, volatile way of being together. Everything ended in either yelling or tears, or sometimes both. You don’t get it, you don’t understand, you’re being stupid. “I love you,” was only said pleadingly, an attempted heal-all that couldn’t quite fix everything, a bargaining chip that hadn’t worked. Breaking up was always on the plate. On a practical level, it would be a difficult thing to move forward and trust each other together when they hadn’t made one of the most important decisions of their lives together.

 

But even through that, he hadn’t wanted to agree with Yunho. He still loved him. Even through the anger and disagreements, he still loved him and couldn’t imagine ever being in love with anyone. It was because he loved him that he felt more angry and sad than he had over anything else. Maybe other people couldn’t reconcile that love with choosing to leave, but Jaejoong knew it was real. He knew the rawness of his heart, the force of his pain, the magnitude of his loss could not beat him down so much if they didn’t exist.

 

I didn’t go through losing everything else just to lose you, too, Jaejoong had said. You won’t get in the way. I need you.

 

But the words rang hollow. Yunho probably didn’t believe him, although he didn’t say as much out loud. Jaejoong didn’t have a chance to prove him wrong before their numbers were changed and he and Changmin vanished into the world around them like strangers, as if they weren’t people he had known for the better part of his life. As if he and Yunho were never lovers, as if all that happiness and joy was part of a dream he had woken up from.

 

But it hadn’t been a dream. He remembered each and every moment as vividly as if it were still the day it happened. He remembered the smell of the flowers in the botanical gardens, the lights on the Seine, the first kiss on Junsu’s sheets, all the dinners and silly arguments and beautiful resolutions that ended in bed. He still wore Yunho’s ring around his finger and couldn’t bring himself to take it off.  For him, the promise it represented still remained, even if he was the only one still keeping it.

 

It had gone wrong. They had veered off onto different paths and it was too late to turn around. They were moving further and further apart every day, and he didn’t know what lay ahead or if their paths would ever rejoin. He wanted that ending. But wanting something was a very different thing from making it come true.

 

9. Alone

 

Hangeng called him after he was settled back in China. “Are you okay?” was the first thing out of his mouth.

 

“Yes and no.”

 

“Right now, that’s probably the best it can be.”

 

“I know. It must be the same for you.”

 

"Yeah. Pretty much the same"

 

These are my phone conversations now, Jaejoong thought, sadly. One depressingly resigned statement after another.

 

Hangeng cleared his throat. “Have you been in contact with Yunho and Changmin ah at all?”

 

“I can’t. They’ve made it pretty much impossible.”

 

“Maybe it’s best to let things cool down for the time being.”

 

“They’re my members. I don’t know how to go about not talking to them anymore.”

 

“Yeah. I understand that, too. I’m sorry.” The line fell silent for a moment. “I hope things don’t get too difficult for you and Yunho because of this. It’s too bad there really wasn’t a way for you to stick together in this kind of situation, but he did what was best to minimize the damage, if you think about it.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Hmm? Well, there were people at the company who knew about you two, right? If you were both kicked out, I wouldn’t have put it past them to leak that information and destroy your second chance at a career. But if he’s still there, there’s nothing they can do. They wouldn’t sabotage their own artist.”

 

Jaejoong bolted upright. “You think he did that on purpose?”

 

“I don’t know. But a leader has a lot of things to look after. You have always been one of them.”

 

Jaejoong was shaking when he hung up. He didn’t know if such thoughts had ever been on Yunho’s mind, and if they had been, he didn’t want to admit that he’d never thought of it himself or realized that Yunho had been going through more than he’d shared with him. He didn’t want to be sacrificed for in that way, but at the same time, he was moved. Though he hadn’t wanted to admit it, he’d felt insignificant to Yunho when he hadn’t sided with him. He hadn’t been chosen, and he’d always associated it with the fact that he hadn’t been loved enough to be the ideal Yunho stood behind. But maybe he had been wrong. Maybe loving him was exactly what Yunho had been thinking of when he said he didn’t want to get in Jaejoong’s way anymore.

 

Don’t do that for someone then break up with them, Jung Yunho, he thought, covering his damp eyes with his hand. If you’re going to protect them, don’t let go of them. Keep on protecting with everything you have. Keep on letting them be loved.

 

10. Full Circle

 

It wasn’t a beautiful day. The air was nippy. The ground was covered in snow and the sky looked ready to threaten more. The grounds were completely empty with the outdoor gardens shut down for the winter. He was only allowed to be here because he’d pulled enough strings to gain himself entrance. That still worked, in some places. The company had tried, but his influence hadn’t diminished as much as it could have. And now he was going to take something else away from them. Something they had tried again and again to keep him from having, something that had always belonged more to him than to them.

 

It had been hard even getting this far. He’d smuggled a note with Heechul, which, if he’d done his job properly, should have reached the hands of Yunho. Meet me in the place where you first said you loved me. He’d started planning it as a last ditch effort. If Yunho didn’t come, he’d give up on him and try moving on. But ditching simply wasn’t in his character. He couldn’t abandon his own happiness. That was what had started the whole thing. If Yunho didn’t come, he’d try again. Over and over again. He’d wait. There would be no goodbyes.

 

He made his way across the cold pond and glanced at the snow covered red pagoda. Making this walk by himself felt wrong. Back then, if he had known this was the future he was hurtling to, he wondered for a moment if he would have gone along for the ride anyways. But the answer was, of course, still yes. If there was the slightest chance that when he crossed the bridge a second time he wouldn’t be alone, it was all worth it, everything, the good and the bad. He would do it all again for the moments that had meant everything to him, the love he knew was real.

 

He reached the fork in the road and looked down into the path leading to the trees. Under a ginkgo covered with a faint sheen of snow, a figure stood, rubbing his hands together, bouncing from one foot to another.

 

“Hey,” Jaejoong called out. “Can I tell you something?”

 

Yunho turned around slowly. It had been far too long since they'd seen each other. He looked older and much more tired than the man Jaejoong was used to, but he the sight of him was still beautiful. Perhaps it was even more precious, after having lost it once. Yunho's expression was part way hesitant, as if he couldn’t believe Jaejoong was actually there. The other half was hard to describe, but Jaejoong understood. It was the summation of what he also felt: fear, excitement, longing, and love. He was happy that the last part was still there.

 

Yunho cleared his throat. “Of course.”

 

“The last thing you said to me wasn’t very clear. When you’re trying to talk to someone who wants to be honest with you, shouldn’t you respond properly?”

 

“Should I?”

 

“When you break up with someone, you shouldn’t say something like ‘maybe it would be better if we just broke up’. It’s lame, right? When I tell my nieces and nephews my story with the person I’m in love with, who wants to add something like ‘let’s break up, maybe’?”

 

Yunho’s lips curled. “That is pretty pathetic.”

 

“So I think you owe it to me to be honest. Break up or no? And just so you know in advance, another break up isn’t going to change the fact that I’m in love with you.” He stopped in his tracks in front of Yunho. “And also, if you love me, if even a single part of you loves me right now, don’t say we can’t be together. I can accept that little bit of love and bring it the rest of the way back, if I have to. I can protect it, just as much as you can. But if it’s there, don’t say no. I’m begging you.”

 

Yunho didn’t say anything. He took Jaejoong’s hands in his, pressing his lips against the ring on Jaejoong’s finger. “I’m sorry,” he said gently. “I don’t know what happened to us. I didn’t want things to go this way. I hadn’t prepared myself, and because I wasn’t prepared, I didn’t know how to protect you anymore. So I did the wrong thing. I thought I could save you by staying away. But I couldn’t even save myself that way. But even still…”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I don’t know if I’ll mess up again and hurt you even more. So you should keep away while you still can. You should end this for good.”

 

“Why me?”

 

“Because I can’t. Not anymore.”

 

“Oh?” Jaejoong stepped into his arms, resting his cheek against Yunho’s cold chest. “It looks like you and I are back on the same page as each other. Let’s stay there this time.”

 

“Jaejoong?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I probably shouldn’t say this anymore. But I love you. I really do.”

 

“No. That is something you should say. That is absolutely something you should always say.” He stood on his toes and cupped Yunho’s face as he kissed him. It was cold, but he started thawing at his touch. They’d have to go slowly again. They couldn’t go from one extreme to another without wrecking themselves all over again. The trust between them was still fragile, still breakable, and the world around them was what it had always been, from the very beginning. They were the ones who had to help it grow by growing themselves. They would have to be stronger the next time the world tried to claw its way in and break them.

 

He pulled away, savoring the lingering feeling, the newfound warmth on his freezing face. Yunho smiled down at him. There was awkwardness in it, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t love.

 

“So,” he said. “We should probably start dating again.”

 

“No ‘probably. Absolutely no ‘probably.”

 

 

 

A/N: I meant for this to be fluffier than it turned out lol. The angst monster descended. Hope you liked it!