Grayscale.

Everything is black and white.

And, of course, gray.

It is all too normal for the younger ones.

The younger ones…

Who know not of love.

Because love…

Is forbidden.

But he remembers.

Luhan remembers.

He remembers the feel of sunlight on his skin.

He remembers crimson red.

He remembers everything.

He can still recall joy.

He can still feel heartbreak.

But even he too is turning numb.

And yet there is one emotion, one feeling, he will never forget.

Love.

He will always remember the fluttering in his stomach.

He will always remember the nerves as they neared each other.

He will always remember their first kiss.

Ah, yes.

It was panicked, gentle, tense.

It was rushed, passionate, longing.

Their story… had been tragic.

----------------------------------------------------------------

“Sehun-ah.”

“Luhan.”

“Hyung. You always forget the hyung.”

“Oh, I don’t forget. Trust me.”

“Disrespectful.” But his voice has the barest hint of a smile.

“Oh, no. Simply, should we say, childish.” He is already laughing.

“You know, Sehun, you shine as bright as the sun.”

“…do I now…”

“…I’m sorry.” Luhan forgets, Sehun has never seen the sun. Never felt its warmth.

“…I wish I could feel it. Just once.”

“And I… would give it all…” To you.

“For what, hyung?”

“For… love.”

“Love…” Yes, Sehun had been old enough to feel love. Before they took it away.

“Yes… love.” Luhan remembers gentle caresses, sweet words, shy smiles.

“Love…” Sehun remembers careless joy, pealing laughter, undisguised affection.

“All gone.”

“All gone.”

Sehun turns to him.

“Hyung, what if…”

“What if what, Sehunnie?”

“…what if… I fell in love?”

“…” Luhan doesn’t know what to say.

“Because I really am in love.”

“Hide it. Keep it secret.”

“Is that what you do?”

“…”

“I can see it, you know. In your eyes.”

“…yes.”

“Hyung…”

“Yes, Sehun?”

“What if…”

“What if…?”

“What if… I fell in love…with you?”

“…” Luhan doesn’t know what to do.

Because, for the longest time, since Sehun was still in middle school, he had started feeling. For him. It had also been that year that they banned love.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I shouldn’t have.”

“Don’t be. Let me tell you a story…”

And he tells him everything. From the very beginning. And it is worth it all. Most of all, the smile that blooms on Sehun’s face. As if the spring wind herself had blessed it.

And so, like that, they meet in secret. They love privately. No one else knows.

One day, they ban color.

One day, they ban smell.

One day, they ban taste.

One day, they ban music.

One day, they ban feelings.

One day, they ban religion.

One day, they ban language.

One day, they ban freedom.

Oh, but freedom had been banned long ago.

They still meet in secret. They still love privately. Still, no one else knows.

One day, the government decrees jobs.

One day, the government controls housing.

One day, the government closes the borders.

One day, the government rules marriages.

One day, they will have to face forced marriage.

They continue to meet in secret. They continue to love privately. Still, no one knows.

But for that one day…

Junmyeon is a very patriotic person. Nothing the government does is wrong. Junmyeon wants to grow up to work as a government official. Anything anyone does wrong, Junmyeon reports. No one blames him. On the contrary, they praise him. They tell him that he will go far. They say that he is a good boy. He always follows the rules. A model student. A pathfinder. He is the future.

He used to be Sehun’s friend.

Zitao is a very gullible person. Any lies fed to him, he will believe. And if he does not, with torture, he will give in. His heart is strong, but it cannot withstand the government. The pain manipulates him. Pressure from home adds on. Eventually, he caves in. His childish personality falls away to reveal something harsher. He is cold and calm. He abides to only the government.

He used to be Luhan’s friend.

Junmyeon should remember the sun.

But Zitao was born too late.

They should both remember love.

Even Sehun, the youngest of them all, can recall the tender passion.

But they do not.

It is not so much that they cannot, but that they do not want to.

And really, why should they?

They are safe.

They have good lives.

It should be perfect.

It is perfect.

To everyone.

Everyone but Luhan and Sehun.

No, they want something more.

They want to love.

They want the sun.

They want colors.

They want their world.

They want to live.

Luhan still dreams in color.

Sehun still dreams in color.

Junmyeon and Zitao should still dream in color.

But they do not.

Luhan still longs for the soul-warming heat of sunshine.

Junmyeon should still long for the soul-warming heat of sunshine.

Yet he does not.

Luhan still wants to express himself in song.

Sehun still wants to express himself in song.

Junmyeon and Zitao should still want to express themselves in song.

They do not.

They belong to the government, who bends them to their own selfish will.

And they chance upon Luhan and Sehun lying in a meadow, laughing, entwined.

The meadow is supposed to be emerald green.

It is supposed to be covered in rainbow flowers.

There should be golden sunlight streaming down.

There should be drifting aromas of blossoms.

Instead, there is gray.

Instead, there is white.

Instead, there is Junmyeon.

Instead, there is Zitao.

It is much too late for an excuse.

Junmyeon’s face darkens.

It is not too late to run.

Luhan bolts, dragging Sehun with him.

Zitao had always been the fast one.

They would have never made it anyway.

But Zitao does not move.

Junmyeon draws a gun.

As black as the night.

Aims it at Sehun’s fleeing back.

And he pulls the trigger.

Smoke flies.

Sehun stumbles.

He falls.

Luhan freezes.

He watches Sehun fall.

He watches the dark stain spread over the back of his lover’s shirt.

Sehun struggles to face up.

His breath hitches.

Luhan drops to his knees.

He begs Sehun not to leave.

Sehun’s eyes strain to focus.

Luhan cries, wails, pleading for Sehun to stay.

Sehun sees blue. He sees the sky.

Sehun sees brown. He sees Luhan’s eyes.

Sehun smiles.

And he lets go.

Luhan sees red. He sees the blood.

Luhan sees brown. He sees Sehun’s unseeing eyes.

Luhan screams.

And he breaks.

------------------------------------------------------------

Junmyeon enters.

“It is time,” he intones monotonously.

Luhan dips his head, ever so slightly.

“Do you have any last words?” The phrase does not sound like the question it is supposed to be.

“As a matter of fact, I do.” Luhan leans forward, as far as he can with restraints.

“Voice them quickly.” Junmyeon’s pen poises over blank paper. As white as snow.

As white as the clouds.

As white as Luhan images Heaven should be.

Yes, white is supposed to be a pure color.

“That day… why did you not kill me?” Yes, he had lived. Junmyeon and Zitao had stood by, unfeeling and emotionless, as Luhan had watched Sehun die.

They had stood by as he had grieved.

“Why…” Junmyeon repeats. He sets down the pen and leans forward. For a second, he looks like his old self again, and a flicker of hope awakes in Luhan.

“Orders.” Luhan’s heart plummets.

He had been so sure.

He had hoped too much.

He wanted someone else to love.

So that, when he left, someone, at least, would still be able to love.

Still be human.

“I have nothing more to say.” Junmyeon stands, moving towards him.

He wields a syringe filled with a colorless liquid.

Arsenic.

“Except…” He doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to stay.

We could run away… Sehun had said one day. Run away… to a place where no one will ever find us. Where they couldn’t, even if they wanted to.

But where? Luhan had asked, eyes shining. Neverland? Because the idea had once crossed his mind as well. And how much he wanted to… oh, so badly.

I don’t know, Sehun had replied, eyes twinkling. Anywhere with you.

And I, Luhan had smiled. Even though I thought you had an actual plan.

Oh, yes… anywhere with him.

We could rule the world.

Anywhere for him.

I would walk the world.

With him… even in death.

And til death… do we part.

“I loved him. I still love him. And I always will.” Something pierces Luhan’s neck.

Already, black is streaking across his vision.

There is nothing more to live for.

And Luhan…

Goes.

------------------------------------------------------

Junmyeon walks out of the room.

His heart feels different.

Burdensome, he would call it.

“Junmyeon-hyung,” Zitao greets emotionlessly. “His possessions.”

Junmyeon nods and walks over to the small pile. He doesn’t know why, but suddenly…

Zitao bothers him.

While sorting through Luhan’s belongings, Junmyeon chances upon a small, leather-bound book.

It is a journal.

It dates back to well before the ban of love.

The first entry is Luhan’s birthday.

All the entries, up until Luhan’s fifth birthday, are written in a carelessly graceful script.

Junmyeon lets the book fall open in his hands.

There it is, the last entry.

A plain, woven fabric bracelet falls out.

An ancient Polaroid photograph tumbles to the floor.

Junmyeon reads Luhan’s thin, slanted handwriting.

He recognizes the language.

It is similar to his native tongue, Korean.

He has neither seen nor heard either since English became Standard.

This language is called Chinese.

There are only three lines.

就看清晨的阳光洒下来 (下来)
像你一样耀眼的洒下来 (Falling Down)
我想我眼睛迷路 现在才 Cry Cry Cry…

And for the first time since sunshine left, Junmyeon feels.

He remembers.

He loves.

And the tears cascade.

They drop onto the page.

There are more words behind this last entry.

Luhan had written more Chinese, along with one line of English.

When you smile, sunshine…

快关掉眼泪 This Time
快关掉眼泪 This Time
快关掉眼泪 This Time
还在爱你 Yeah 还在爱你 Woo
我爱你 我爱你
你别再哭 关掉眼泪…

As if he had known all along that Junmyeon would be able to love again.

Even though the words are dedicated to Sehun, Junmyeon clutches the book to his chest.

And he cries.

He takes comfort.

He regrets.

He wants to escape.

He walks out, abandons the heartless person he once was.

And he is surrounded.

Guns target his chest, his vital organs.

Of course Zitao had heard.

And of course he had reported.

Slowly, Junmyeon lets out a breath.

Tiredly, resignedly.

He raises his head to the Heavens.

He asks forgiveness.

He prays for Luhan and Sehun’s joy.

And he wants to go.

Bullets smash into his fragile body.

It hurts.

He collapses on the cold concrete.

It hurts.

But not as much as his heart.

Junmyeon smiles softly.

It was his destiny, to die the same way he had killed his friends.

But… that day… why… did he not kill… Luhan…?

He understands now.

He had never wanted to.

He… had always… been…

Human.

Golden sunlight streams down.

And Junmyeon closes his eyes.

----------------------------------------------------------

Traitors to the Government will be killed.

Oh Sehun. Male. Age seventeen.

Lu Han. Male. Age twenty-one.

Kim Junmyeon. Male. Age twenty.