„I don’t know when it started, the you who smiled is not you anymore

If your heart can no longer give me that kind of love

I will still remember those memories

So blurry that I think it’s a pity

„Everything will be alright, everything will be forgotten as time passes”

Since those consoling words might not be able to conform you

I know one day you will leave.

Please don't go. I wanna hold you back.

I know that it’s difficult to keep believing in me since the promise was broken once.

However, I wanna stay with you forever, living and sharing breath.

I wish we were happy like that in the beginning.

Thank you, I'm sorry, I love you.”

-  Promise written by Chanyeol, Chen and Lay

It is one of those rare days when Zhang Yixing wakes up at almost noon. He can see the bright Sun through the window, smell the familiar aroma of his bedsheet and feel the soft mattress under him instead of a tough bed. There are no loud roommates or noises of Seoul morning, just quietness and peace. Alone. The other side of the bed where she used to sleep is empty, there's no clothes left in the closet, no coffee smell or breakfast in the kitchen. All of this is gone with her.

He can still vividly remember how they met. It was a rainy day in a little industrial city near his hometown, Changsha, so he was wearing a big pullover and a cap. He didn’t want to catch a cold or be noticed by a citizen. He escaped to a nice restaurant to have something warm and cover himself from the cold.

„What can I get for you?” asked the young waitress who appeared next to him almost ghost-like. She looked short and fragile in that uniform she had on.

„Umm... seaweed soup and spicy pork” he answered immediately the first two things that came into his mind because he was hungry and he got a desire for these.

The waitress - Nina as the nametag said - nodded quickly and then disappeared just like he appeared. Yixing to beat time scrolled down on his phone checking the following week's schedule. He had to travel to Korea again but he had got used to it by now.

„Your soup” the girl came back with his food and he thanked her before he started to eat. It felt so good to fill his stomach but he still heard the whispers around him. It seemed like a teenage girl nearby spotted him and told everyone else the news. He tried to finish his soup but flashlights started to blind him and he got annoyed. He was a really calm person and he loved his fans but they should respect him and leave him be sometimes or be more cultural and don't act like he would be some animal in the circus. Eventually he got bored of the bystanders and walked to the bar to pay and leave without eating the main plat. But as soon as he got there, Nina casually spoke up without even a second glance.

„You can use the staff's dressing room if you want. There's an exit there.”

Firstly, Yixing didn't get what she was trying to say but as the girls were closer, he chose this new option without hesitation.

„Thank you” he murmured when he passed her then from the secret room he heard Nina saying the fans that they mistook his brother as EXO's Lay. Soon after, he left.

And right now, it’s payback time: she left. She left him alone in his house that is full of their memories. But she won’t come back.  Not like he did the following day.

Unfortunately, Nina had no shift that day so he had to go back once again to find her there. She greeted him with a smile and said yes when he asked her out to dinner as a ‘thank you’.  Although she added that she was in a hurry so they made it to a coffee. Yixing never really liked coffee, he was more of a tea-guy but he agreed and he didn’t regret the Americano he drank that night. He couldn’t because she was smiling at him during the whole time. They were chatting about food and work and China and nonsense for a long time which seemed too short before she had to go. However, he let her go.

Few weeks later, when he had a couple of off-days he visited the restaurant on his way home. It was late at night and when the bell rang to greet the new customer, she yelled back:

“Sorry but we are closing” and then she turned around. At that moment, Yixing felt her smile more like home than his own bedroom’s walls.

They sat in the same coffee-shop like the previous time and she told him about university and her family. Occasionally, she asked a few questions but nothing major, nothing that would make him uncomfortable. He almost finished his Latte when he gathered his courage to ask:

“You know who I am, right?”

She stared back at him under the soft locks of her brownish hair for a few seconds.

“How could I not? I like your music but I’m not a crazy stalker who wouldn’t let you eat lunch normally.” she answered and continued her Cappuccino.

After that Yixing talked with her more at ease without the fear that if he blows out something he could ruin everything. He started to tell her about the boys, the music they’re making, the practises and concerts, the love of the fans and the seamy side of fame. She was sympathetic and smiling. He wanted to take her hand but didn’t.

It became a habit of theirs. A late-night coffee nearby the restaurant every time he came back to China whenever they had concerts there or he’d got a show to shoot. She never complained about him appearing without notice or being sleepy. But she laughed with him on the good days.

“Do you want to come in?” she asked one time he walked her home. She had a cute and petit apartment in the suburb of the city. He was well-aware of its outline as he accompanied her lots of times but he never stepped into the house.

“I shouldn’t” he shook his head but couldn’t resist and take a step closer to the girl who leaned against the door frame.

“I asked you if you wanted to” she corrected him with a signature smile of hers. He was addicted to this and he was intoxicated by her perfume.  He wanted to do so many things, he was never this selfish before, he hadn’t discovered this kind of need, urge to touch and own. He wanted to have a coffee with her every day, wake up next to her and always be there for her.

“I…” his voice betrayed him as it broke and then he locked his eyes with hers.

Their first kiss was rushed and sloppy but both of them waited for this since what felt like forever. The second was gentler and more heartfelt. Her fingers lost in his hair and she caught her breath as he touched her waist under her blouse. Slowly, he pulled back.

“Goodnight!” he whispered and left.

He left all the time but he always came back. Back to her.

It was their secret. No one knew. Not even his friends, not even her family. It was hard but it was better this way. They didn’t want to be bothered by nasty rumours and shameless reporters. She even moved in with him under cover.

“Who is your bias in the band?” Yixing asked tiptoe while they were placing her things in the kitchen.

“That’s an unfair question.” she pouted and tried to reach the highest shelf to take off her mugs. He clung close to her as he helped her with it.

“I’m just curious. Who did you like before we met?” the idol looked down on her with pleading eyes. Nina sighed and gave in.

“At first, it was Lu Han who caught my eyes. He’s beautiful, a man shouldn’t be as perfect as him” she said and he stepped back. He should have guessed. It was never him. She continued as she touched his dimple:  “But I don’t choose bias because of looks. I also liked the way you danced, you talked in interviews, your belief and how you cared for everybody. You were my favourite and you will always be because you have a beautiful heart.”

The bed was the first piece of furniture to be initiated.

Yixing decided to introduce his girlfriend to his family at Christmas. Both his parents and grandparents loved Nina and gave their blessing to the relationship. On New Year’s Eve, he gave her a silver ring as the promise of his love. Not much time passed till they had their first real fight.

“You shouldn’t have said yes. You barely have time to relax. You have practises, concerts, recordings, the movie and the studio. Why do you have to take part in such a show? You will overwork yourself!” Nina reminded him after getting to know of the Go Fighting contract.

“You don’t understand. After last year, I have to prove that I’m loyal to both Chinese and Korean fans” he argued but for her it was just another excuse. She knew that he was an all-heart guy – this was one of the reasons why she fell in love with him – but the darkness of 2014 wasn’t his fault.

“And what about you? Your health? Or me and your family? We have to make appointments to meet you.” the painful words fell from like never before. It took him by surprise and he calmed his heavily rising chest.

“I’m okay. I will take care of myself and I won’t spend less time with you because of this. I promise I will make it right” he said back then and Nina let him hug her while her tears were soaking his shirt.

Things were good for a while. He kept his promise. He also introduced her to the boys when they had a concert in Bejing. He was there when she graduated from university. He took her to Seoul for her birthday. They spent all of their free time together.

Nothing lasts forever though.

He came to her crying when Zitao left the band. He unburdened his heart to her and fell asleep in her arms. She was there for him every time he needed.

Even so she was the last one to know about his waist injury and how serious it really was.

“You promised me you would tell me if something like this happened to you” she cried after her phone call ended with Sehun who asked her to talk Yixing into a little rest.

“I know. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to worry about me. It’s alright.” he apologised and tried to console her but it didn’t work.

“No, it isn’t” she hit his chest desperately and caught a hold of his shirt’s collar. He could feel her fragile body next to his and his heart beat erratic. “I always worry about you. I love you.”

Her confess didn’t hang in the air for long: he kissed away all her tears lovingly and the quiet ‘no more secrets’ passed from mouth to mouth. They made up and made love then they were lying in the bed hugging and gazing the star-paved night sky.  

“Promise me you'll leave if I hurt you” he demanded in a low voice while his hand was caressing her .

“I love you. I'd never leave you” she whispered back into his sensitive neck which made him chuckle. He lifted her chin to make Nina look him in the eyes.

“And I love you, too. That's why I wouldn't forgive myself if I'd hurt you.”

It happened a month ago and now she’s gone. She really left.

It takes a long time for Yixing to figure out what hurt her the most. It wasn’t that he was late from their anniversary dinner or he cancelled their skype dates multiple times. He broke his promise again, he realized. He didn’t tell her about his breathing problems during Go Fighting. He didn’t mention her that he had got hurt on movie set. He made her a liar too. And that’s why he hasn’t called or looked for her. He doesn’t want to hurt her anymore.

Although he misses everything about her: her figure, her scent, her smile, her warm-hearted eyes, the ways she laughs, cooks, hugs and kisses him. He can’t stop thinking about her. So he writes a song, he makes a new Promise to the fans and to her.

The day after its release, he gets a call:

“I love you too… so much” Nina sobs quaveringly and this time he doesn’t let her go.

Even when the things are bad, together is always better than alone and he knows he will keep his promise from now on.

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