a/n: I'm terribly sorry for this insanely late update. I don't know if people are still gonna read this. I was caught up with uni and lots of shit t while I was away and just couldn't seem to focus on writing. enjoy and leave comments they make my day!! :)

But I wish I was dead

It all started slow, Jongin trying to not try too hard to make Sehun speak. When all Sehun ever does, is stay in complete silence, but he never pushes away. Sehun has never pushed Jongin away, and Jongin thinks that’s a good thing.

Every day is a new page for Jongin to write about Sehun, he wants to get to know more about him, to learn about him, and love all his flaws, his imperfections, his insecurities, his fear; everything the boy has to offer, even if he thinks there’s none.

To Jongin, Sehun has became his favourite melody.

And when Jongin is caught up between bundles of assignments to complete and working part time at a bookstore, meet ups with Sehun become lesser and lesser each day. Not that Sehun cared (but he actually does).

He misses Jongin’s laugh whenever Jongin tells a joke he found on the internet and Sehun just gives him a crooked smile to make him shut up. Yet he never fails to notice how satisfied Jongin feels by seeing the smile he said he hated.  They both contemplate with each other’s feelings without them even noticing.

“Where do you think you’ll go after you die?” Jongin blurted out of nowhere breaking the silence that was deafening.

Sehun immediately stood up from the ground, leaving Jongin confused when he reached out his hand in front of him.

“Where are we going?” he asked. “Let me show you,” Sehun dragged him to Jongin’s car and drove away.

After 20 minutes of complete silence, they reached a beach. Sehun got off without a word but Jongin just followed quickly afterwards.

They walked till the end of a cliff; the vicious navy sea down below, “I hope when I die, I’ll get sent here,” Is what Sehun said after breathing the salty sea air.

Sehun held Jongin hands to warm himself up because Jongin is always warm. “Your hands are always ice cold Sehunnie,” Jongin said giving Sehun’s hands a tight squeeze. Sehun smiled a bit.

“My parents took me here 8 years ago for the first time, and I just fell in love with the calming blue sea – I miss them a little bit,” Sehun spoke with such longing.

“We can go here on your birthday Sehunnie! Sounds good?” Jongin cheered happily. “Yeah, I’d like that very much, Jongin.”

They spent the rest of the evening listening to crappy sad music and keeping each other warm.

Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise

Sehun has had breakdowns after breakdowns and relapse after relapse. It was all so painful for Jongin to see him in such a state. He wanted to help Sehun so badly but he breaks every time he sees a bandage wrapped around Sehun’s wrist hiding the fresh cuts from the night before. It’s not that Jongin can’t help, he tries –tries so badly, but Sehun just doesn’t find his effort enough to stop him from drowning.

One night they both had a terrible fight with each other and Sehun just kind of snapped really hard at Jongin that caused him to break.

When Sehun came by the next morning to apologize with two cups of coffee and Jongin’s favourite bagel, he almost dropped everything when he saw Jongin laying on the floor of his kitchen with pills scattered all over the ground.

Jongin was unconscious for almost two days in the hospital, and Sehun felt really bad for he felt that it was his fault.

As Jongin flicked his eyes open slowly, “Oh god, I love you I’m sorry thank you God,” Sehun cried while holding Jongin’s hand. Jongin smiled and kept saying “it’s okay Sehunnie”.

For once, Jongin’s hand felt so cold like a corpse, and Sehun can never forgive himself. 

a/n: I hope it isn't too bad..... Next chapter might be the last or not....