3 years later

‘Minho,’ spoke a voice behind my back. A single snowflake fell from the depth of the sky and landed softly on a windowsill.

‘Mmm?’ I mumbled thoughtlessly. For a brief moment the snowflake stayed still, giving me a chance to observe it. Then it melted down, mixing with the whiteness of the sill. I felt a bit sad, but then the melted snowflake became forgotten, as the other one appeared on the darkness of a night sky, gracefully dancing right before my eyes.

‘Minho, I’m speaking to you!’ The voice was annoyed.

A snowstorm burst into the room through an opened window. I greeted it with a weak smile. I didn’t mind the cold wind ruffling my hair. It was actually quite pleasant. Refreshing. The noise of the wind obscured all of the useless and tiring thoughts inside of my head. If I could, I would sit there and watch the snow play for the rest of my days, enjoying the peaceful emptiness of my heart. Contemplating the beauty of the winter.

‘Mhmm…’ I mumbled once again, hoping for the voice to disappear. It was irritating, it was bothering me. I wanted to learn by heart all of those graceful snowflake creations, so that I could draw them later on.

‘Enough of this ridiculousness,’ the voice spoke in a harsh manner, and the window was shut down suddenly. I turned back to finally face my friend and glare at him furiously. My expression didn’t work, though. Kibum was too stubborn. ‘Minho, I invited you to England so that you could relax a little bit, not to stare blankly through the window and, by the way, get sick from the cold wind!’

I tried to look away. I didn’t want to have this kind of conversation again. It was just too painful. I preferred thoughtlessly staring at the winter sky. It was better this way. Lighter. But it was way too naive to believe that such person as Kim Kibum would let me be alone with my loneliness. I felt his hand on my shoulder.

‘Minho, I know it hurts, but it’s been three ing years! Pull yourself together!’

‘Key… I’m fine.’ I smiled weakly and softly took his hand off my shoulder. ‘It’s just this season…’ I muttered, once again glancing at the snowflakes outside. ‘It will be better, once it’s over,’ I added honestly. At least, that’s what I wanted to believe in. It wasn’t that bad usually. I was attending classes and drawing work arts. I kept on doing everything I had been doing before I met him…

I felt a sudden pang of pain in my chest. I frowned, annoyed with my own weak self. It’s just… the winter. The winter that always brings too many memories. I can’t stop myself from thinking of him, when I see his favorite season all around me.

'Minho, you can't just hibernate whenever it's snowing...' said Kibum, a bit softer than a minute ago. I appreciated his care, but I certainly preferred to be alone. My friend remained silent for a few moments, as if he waited for some reaction. Then he turned round and left the room. I sighed, relieved. I grabbed a sketchbook and started to wander around with the pencil, just to make some use of my hands. Dots of falling snowflakes filled the gray sky, that seemed to be breaking down, overweighed with this graphite sadness.

And in this gloomy landscape, on the edge of a wooden bench, standing below an impressive, old tree, a lonely boy was sitting. Dressed in a dark coat, he looked as if he was trying to become a unify with shadows that surrounded him. Unsuccessfully. Pale skin of his face was visible even in the center of this darkness. The boy seemed to be listening to the sounds of the night and absorb as much of them as he could.

I threw the sketchbook away and hid my face in my hands. It was happening again. In days like this even drawing wasn't able to give me comfort. Memories kept on flooding my head like an unstoppable river. There was no way to run away. Three years? How can it be? Everything was so fresh in my memory. His slender hand closed in mine. His harsh expression that could bring me to do literally anything. His cute embarrassment and that first kiss that I had stolen on that day in the corridor. His heated body and long hair on the white pillow. 'I love you, Min...' still rang in my ears. The last and most important words in my miserable life.

Have I ever tried contacting him? Countless of times. I haven't received a single word of explanation. At the beginning, I lived with hope given me by his musical letters. But as the time passed and nothing changed, those beautiful songs he sang for me, turned into some kind of poison that blocked me form coming back to a normal life. A life without him. I wasn’t able to count all of those nights that I’d spent on thinking of him and trying to understand why my life had to be destroyed that way. Obliviousness was the cruelest torture.

I rubbed my temples and glanced at the window, trying to get my mind off once again. It didn’t work. The storm in my heart was unstoppable.

‘Dress up,’ spoke Kibum. I looked at him, confused. He was standing in the threshold, his fingers buttoning up a coat. His eyes seemed to be observing me strangely. I cursed in my mind. It wasn’t hard to guess how bad I felt at the moment. Key was way too smart to get fooled easily.

‘Why?’ I asked, reluctantly standing up. The truth was, I desperately needed something to do. Anything that would help me to forget, at least for a moment.

‘You’ll see.’ His eyes sparkled suspiciously, as he spoke. I could guess he was planning something evil. I was too tired to care, though. ‘Don’t look like a peasant.’

I froze, hearing his words, dangerously familiar. Key was still observing me in this weird kind of way that made me wonder what actually was on his mind. Finally, he threw me something to wear and pushed me to the bathroom. I did not protest. After a few minutes I was ready to go wherever he would lead me to and do whatever he would make me do. Just to forget.

~*~

Have you ever tried walking down the crowded street while completely ignoring all of your surroundings? Very absorbing activity. Carefully studying cracks on a glazed pavement, I kept on obediently following my friend’s footsteps. From time to time I bumped into people and someone’s eyes, nose or lips blinked on the background of endless gray faces. At such moments I mumbled my apologies, but couldn’t concentrate on these gray people, as my eyes were running away, up to the satin sky marked with white snowflakes. I was wondering – is he looking at the same curtain of blackness as I do?

I leaned back, letting the cold wind touch the hot skin of my neck. I didn’t care about the coldness. The only thing that mattered was this snowy sky that seemed to be the only bridge between me and him. Watching the dancing snowflakes I had this strong feeling that he certainly is somewhere in this world, standing with his face turned to the sky, enjoying the subtle touch of the snow, just like I do. Just like this day when he invited me to the opera.

The sky was decorating the earth with delicate white petals. The first snow this winter. My companion stood in the center of a square that was placed in front of the philharmonic hall building. He leaned back his head, letting the snowflakes to melt on his face. I was observing him, fascinated, when he started to gyrate, with unhidden pleasure greeting the winter. When he finally stopped a bright smile was decorating his face.

‘Minho, Minho, do you like winter?’ he asked in the emptiness, losing the direction in which he should speak. I approached him, giving him my hand so that he could feel my presence.

A black contour of a building blocked out the view on the sky. I shook my head, getting rid of the painful memories and glanced at Kibum, confused. Apparently he had been speaking to me this whole time, trying hard to make a conversation. I didn’t remember a single word he said.

‘…nevertheless, you won’t regret it, I can guarantee you that.’ As soon as I heard these words, I felt anxious about the target of our walk.

‘I won’t regret what?’ I asked, finally getting my senses back. Key stopped walking just to look at me in this strange, studious way. There was something mysterious hiding in his eyes, but I couldn’t find out why his behavior made me so nervous. Eventually, he shook his head and grabbed my sleeve, pulling me to face an old building with a beautiful façade. I gulped loudly. ‘Kibum, is this…’ I mumbled shakily and tried to escape, but my friend’s hand didn’t let me run away and pushed me through the front door.

‘Stop complaining. It will be nice. You need it,’ he said firmly.

‘But a philharmonic hall? I thought you would take me to a more appropriate place!’ I spoke a bit too loud, as some people glared at us, irritation painting their faces. ‘I really don’t want to be here…’ I confessed, this time quiet and suppliant, trying to soften my friend’s heart. I didn’t even know why, but being at such place made me want to run away as quickly as possible. I hated the floor made of marble, the shinning golden lamps, the whispers of people waiting for the performance, even the smell of the dust that elegantly covered old balustrades. This place wasn’t similar to the Seoul’s philharmonic hall, the one I was invited to centuries ago. And even so, I felt irrationally anxious at the perspective of spending a few hours at such surroundings, listening to a concert. It was too much for me. But Kibum didn’t seem to care. He held my arm tightly, pulling me through the crowd of people, straight to the concert hall.

We took our sits and the voices of people became quiet, finally changing into soft whispers. I was sitting stiffly and nervously, my mind torturing me with memories again. The last time I sat in such place was during the worst musical show I’ve ever attended in my whole life. And the only thing I could remember from that evening was his beautiful, calm face and this annoying strand of hair that I wanted to tuck behind his ear so badly.

‘Minho, I hope that one day you’ll thank me…’ whispered Kibum, a second before the lights turned off. What the hell did he mean?! Being here was the last thing that was able to help me. I haven’t felt that bad in months. I didn’t know where to look, what to do with my hands and, the most important, how to defend myself from all of those memories.

Musicians started their show, but I couldn’t care less. I turned to my friend, stupidly hoping he would let me leave the hall. However, Kibum was indifferent to my painful, begging expression. His eyes were fixed at the stage and he seemed to be very concentrated on the performance. Way too much concentrated. Or maybe I was just losing my mind. I scrunched up a concert brochure that someone gave me by the door, not even caring to glance at it once. The time seemed to be slowing down with each passing sound. I closed my eyes and hid my face in my hands, trying to hibernate till the end of the show.

And that was the moment something strange happened. I heard whispers around me and suddenly I had a strange kind of feeling inside of my heart. I looked up, blinded by the stage lights.

~♪♪♪~

My ears realized faster than my brain. There was a lonely violin voice, filling the air with its grace, outstanding in the music of the whole orchestra. My heart stopped inside of my chest, too shocked at this familiar voice, at this forgotten melody. The air was painted with a crystalline music that made the audience sigh in admiration. A mysterious silhouette of the violinist was hidden in the shadows, but I could see it moving softly along with the voice of the instrument. They were an unity, knowing and understanding each other so well, better than anyone else. At the beginning notes were high, slightly trembling, but as the song got braver, they fell down, melted, just like the snow melts when it welcomes spring. I can’t remember the moment I stood up, but as soon as I noticed it, I felt an urge to run. To ignore the people, the concert, the orchestra. To fall between the stage shadows and embrace my moonlight violinist, so that he would never disappear again. I couldn’t hear anything but th