Why would I settle for less when I can have a double serving of the best?

Plok. Plok.

The paper was wet again with tear stain.  One by one, I take pieces of our memories out of the box.  I have long forgotten about it until today.  I heard from the guys that you’re back in town.  Suddenly, I have the urge to look back and reminisce our memories back when we’re still together.

I still remember when you gave me this note.  It was in the middle of the class and you asked Jonghyun Oppa to give this to me with the excuse of returning the notebook he borrowed from me only to whisper that there’s a note hidden in there and this was what I found.

Do I miss you?  Of course not! --- Only on days ending in Y!

(Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday) kekeke

I smiled though my heart is aching with the thought.  We were so much in love.  So full of happiness.  So dreamy of our future together.  But now, everything has crumbled.  I thought I have moved on, but hearing your name being mentioned by those people close to us, it still hurts.  I guess it will take some more time to heal the wound I once thought have closed already.  I believe that I will not be affected by the mere mention of your name.  I can bear the façade of being strong, of not letting them know how much you mean to me – then and until now, but I don’t know if I can continue to hold on to it when we meet.  I know somehow somewhere we will meet again.  After 6 six years of intentionally avoiding you or any news about you, the only question running in my mind right now is – Am I ready to see you again? 

I pulled out the trinket you gave me.  It has lost its sparkle, just like our love…it faded.  I brought it against the sunlight shining through the window…the little hearts that dangle captivates me.  Do you still remember when you bought it out of whim because you said these hearts symbolizes our love for each other for every year we were together?  You’re so cheesy back then.  Our friends cringe whenever you would bring out your cheesy lines…though I always get embarrassed with your pick-up lines, deep inside my heart is swelling because I know that you love me, that your heart belongs to me - - -until she came along.

We were in our own bubble – we have a world of our own that only those we allowed to get in can enter.  Then she entered the picture.  I don’t know how it started or when it started.  I  just started to feel that you are moving away from me…that I’m losing you – and sadly, to her.  I don’t know what I was supposed to feel because I have never thought that you would do that to me.  Many times, I’ve said to myself – Ani, he was just being a friend because she is in trouble.  He was just helping her to cope with her loss.  That she sees us as someone she can lean on in desperate times – but apparently, it was only you she sees and not me.  You drifted away from me.  You gave me the reason that she was suicidal and as being good friends we need to stay with her and I accepted that because I have seen the cut myself when she called you up and we went to her place.  My friends are telling me to be patient because she was in a bad mental shape and so I did.  I really did try.  You know what bothers me most was when nobody had the courage to tell me that there’s more to it than I should know.  You sound indifferent when I ask you where were you.  You failed to tell me or inform me that you would not be able to meet with me, which is a first by the way, and you just let me wait for you for hours in our favorite café until I realized that you would not be coming.

So now, here I am looking back again at our memories – happy memories.  Each item carries a special meaning to me – to our relationship.  The cinema tickets where we watched the Avatar, because it was the first time we watched a movie together, the ticket from the amusement park and even the tissue from the café wherein you just wrote “I love you”…I kept it all, not just the sweet little cards you sent me during our 22nd day, our 100th day and our 1000th day.  Imagine, we surpassed the 1000th day?  I thought we can make it a thousand times more, but unfortunately it will not happen anymore.  Inside the box placed the first couple sweatshirts given to us by our friends on our 1st year anniversary as well as the mugs we bought together one rainy afternoon…and the ring…The ring says it all.  I tried it on to see if it still fits and taa-daaa…it does fit - to the T.  I looked inside it and read the date – 02.11.05 – the date we officially became a couple.  

I thought going on our 4th year we really knew each other so well, oh boy I am so wrong! What’s sad about it is that I found it out through other people and not from you.  I felt so stupid for not recognizing the signs.  It was right in front of me and I have been blinded.  Pabo.  Yeah, that’s what I am.  I’m a fool when it comes to you.  I had to know because nobody would tell me that something is going on.  I had to be brave to confront you and tell me honestly if it is true.  I still remember our conversation as if it just happened like yesterday…

~ ~ ~

Flashback

“Yong, is it true?”

Irritatingly, Yong answered “what?” while scrolling his phone, not sparing her a glance.

“That you and her are going out behind my back?”

“Nugu?”

“Let’s cut the crap here.  Just be honest with me.  Is it just a rumor?”

“Don’t listen to those gossip mongers.  They have nothing else to do but to ruin other people’s relationship.”  Yong defended.

“Really, though? If that’s the case, how come you’re always busy?  How come I have talked to IU and she told me to ask you because it would be best if it came from you and not from her and how come your best buddy, Joon, told me the same thing?  Is there a conspiracy here and I’m not part of it?  Or is it because it is about me that I’m kept in the dark?”  Seohyun started to get really pissed off and when she gets pissed off she talks in straight English and Yong knows that she is really, really mad right now.  That’s how Seohyun expresses her anger.

Yong tried to appease her by walking and sitting beside her and holding her hand, and at the same time, patting her back to calm her down.  She was huffing and puffing because she didn’t want to make a scene, really.

“Hyun, baby –“ he started.

“Don’t call me baby” she hissed.

“Hey, Hyun-ah, please listen to me first.”  He waited up until he felt her relax and calm before continuing.  He heaved a deep breath to brace himself with the situation.

“Honestly, I don’t know how to start this.  First, I want to say sorry.  Mianhe… Mianhe...  Mianhe...”  Yong uttered while punching the wooden table.

“Is that all you can say to me?  Sorry?  Sorry for what?”  Seohyun asked sarcastically.

“I’m sorry because I’m a coward.  I don’t know how to tell you.  I don’t know how it started or when it started, but I felt we lost our connection here.  I know you noticed that I’m slowly distancing myself away from you because I am so lost right now.  I’m so lost.”  He was trying not to cry – to hold the tears together because he wants to appear manly to her but when he looked at her, he lost it.  She was crying silently, understanding now the situation they were in.  It dawned on her the reason why he was acting like that the past few weeks.  She can’t look at him right now so she bowed her head to curtain her tearing eyes.

Gathering the courage, Seohyun asked, “So, it’s her?”

“No, it’s not about her.”  He reasoned.

“Oh! Come on, I’m not stupid.  If we are going through a break-up, please let’s be honest with each other.  Don’t give me the standard excuse of “it’s not you, it’s me” crap because it won’t work.  I just thought that I was special, I was wrong.  I thought you value our relationship and take care of it like you value and took care of me, apparently, not.”  Sighing, Seohyun stood up “Well, good luck!  I don’t want to sound bitter or whatnot, just that I hope you’re happy with the way things are right now.  I know it will be hard for you to make a decision right now, so allow me to make it for you… - I’m choosing her for you.  I hope I made the right decision for you.  This is goodbye.  I hope our paths will not cross again.”  With that Seohyun bowed and left, not looking back to see how he fairs.  She didn’t see that he was crying and that he looked so lost.

-end of flashback-

~ ~ ~

The first few months after our break-up, it seems like everybody is walking on eggshell whenever I come.  You moved away to give me the space.  I became reclusive, doesn’t go to parties or hang out with friends anymore.  I graduated in school and buried myself with work so that I can have the excuse of having too much work and needs to do an overtime so as to not meet with them.  Eventually, they didn’t invite me anymore to our usual Saturday gathering for they knew that I will decline.  Slowly, I lost contact with them.  I was able to get in touch with them if I happen to run into them somewhere, but the previous close relationship we’ve had has never been