username: reikax3

Story Link:http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/89755/mr-moustache-s-last-time-falling-inlove-cheondoong-jungbyunghee-leejoon-mblaq-mir-seungho-supernatural

Short summary of story:
Seonnyeo are invisible creatures but people with kind eyes can sense their existence. Mblaq's G.O met one. Right in the middle of his comfortable life, the seonnyeo girl came. 'Though she is a clumsy and forgetful seonnyeo, she has a kind heart. This is a story of their ordinary life making a 360 degree turn.

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Title: Now, your title is too long. For readers to remember it faster and easier, it should be short and sweet. but not 1 letter words cause people wont even bother look at it.  So you could work on that if you want to.

Description:                                                                    G.O is known for his strong(and) soulful vocals in MBLAQ.

He is incharge of the "hair" in the group.

and he is also MBLAQ's .   .   .   .  Cool Ca(s)sanova?

"My age is 24 and my dating experience is 20 times."

Who will be his 21st girlfriend?

This is a story about G.O, a seonnyeo and a wish

Now its short and it makes people curious. hmm... It is gripping too. it makes people want to flip to the next page... It is also entertaining and gives a small laugh towards you readers. (the short comic thingy). 

Ok, lets go to you english. look at the description above. it is in red and green. green is what i have corrected. Your error was very limited so no complains. You also had a typo. casanova had only 1 's' not two. i wasnt to sure what a casanova was and it turns out to be 'A man who likes many women and has short ual relationships with them' and ' an italian adventurer who wrote vivid accounts of his ual encounters (1725-1798)' That info is very disturbing. people who knows the full meaning would be very disturbed. I hope it doesnt have any or anything. O.O 

Since there is nothing much to say, i will include your first chapter .

If for example(,) we had been a love couple,

My question is, what is a love couple? i have never heard the term 'love couple'. The word 'couple' already says that they are in love and are together. so my opinion? cancel the word 'love' out. It is unnesessary. 

I do(did) a lot of thinking before I go(went) to sleep.

You forgot your past tense. When writing a story, unless it is a convo or some1 is speaking, remember to use past tense.

Before I go(went) to sleep, I play(ed) scenes in my head.

Past tense is VERY important. Let me stress this. Past TENSE is VER important when writing a story.

Sometimes, I will(would) catch myself humming (to) a song and usually I practice the things I want to say for tomorrow.

This sentance clashes facts. Firstly, you stated 'sometimes' than, you went ahead saying 'Usually' in the same sentance. Make up your mind. My suggestion is to change it to this: Sometimes, i would catch myself humming to a song or even practicing the things that i would like to say for tommorrows' schedule. If you write in that way, it is easier to be read and understood. 

I have endless "What Ifs".

Past tense please.

"What if Cheon Doong found(out about) the Pigeon Folder's new password?"

"What if my voice crack(s) tomorrow?"

I would ask myself (all of this questions) and think really hard for the right answers for my beyond the bounds of possiblilty questions.(spelling mistake)

I make(made) plans for the next day.

In my opinion...Out of all the people that I miss, i've missed my little nephews, Wan and Yoon, the most.

To fictitious ones. Then.. I will (would) go to sleep.

I heard (a) loud poundings at (on) my door, probably from a muscled fist. Unwillingly, I open(ed) my tired eyes, slowly, get (got) up(out of) my bed and walk(ed) my way at (to) the door. 

'At' is used when you are talking about a location. Ex,  "We bought our cakes 'at' ______" while'to' refers to  a place you are heading and stuff.

I dont think i need to emphasise more about you english cause ive done heaps on the previous story. So know, you asked me for tips on how you can improve your story. well other than your language skills(which im ok with,) you can add a lil bit of comedy. Lots of stories, if you realise, the ones that are usually featured, has comedy in it. you can try adding a little bit more of comedy. ex, how did the seonnyeo found out about the fact that G.O. had chest hair? Maybe she had accidently stumbled into the toilet while he was in it (A/N: kufufu). Other than that, readers love it when there is are lots of cute love scenes between the main characters. they like seeing and reading about a girl's first love, how she stutters, how she blushes, how awkward the characters are, they enjoy it when the guy is hesitant and is thinking whether he shld make a move or not. trust me, readers kill for that stuff. btw, for your writers block, you can solve it by making a mind map. i know its sounds stupid, but it works. first, you draw out the plot, than you explore ways to enhance it. everytime you get a new idea, place it in, and root it out.  :33 I hope this helps XD

Overall, Your story  is interesting, but its a lil plain, if you understand. If you want to add simplicy in your story, do it. if you want to add a lil bit more, do it. dont be afraid to go extreme or anything. just dont go on hyper mode and write nonsensical works. trust me. ive been there XD

so score: B 7/10.