Name: Malioo

Story Link/Poster link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/79035/life-drama-idols-romance-shinee-superjunior-ukiss-you

Short summary of story/idea of your poster and main point: Romance, Drama (You, SHINee, Super Junior, U-Kiss & Idols)

Title: When i first saw your title i was thinking, so what? whats so nice about it? if i was a reader i would rather scroll down my list and pick up something else to read that to choose this. the title is to plain. to boring. 

Description, Character, forward. :

You put to much characters in the first page. its kinda leaking the story. as if when you place a cliffhanger, the readers would by than, know who you are gonna add. it loses the suspense in someway. Sure, it may bring up aniticipation, but in another way, it can lose the suspense.

For the foreward, it also loses suspence. Basically, its a spoiler and you are also telling your readers bout your story's main plot and idea.

For your language, i could already see some mistakes here and there. As a reader myself, whenever i read a story with a lot of mistakes and errors, I get very annoyed easily and there was once a time where i unsubscribed from a story. careless mistakes are ok. but when it gets so repetitive and when there are so many of them, it annoys me alot. 

Ex.  of your repetitive mistakes that you made are:

There Story is about the sisters Mali & Fabi.

Instead of 'there', use 'this'. 'There' refers to a far away object, such as when you are pointing to the stars in the sky, you use, " Hey look! 'There' are so many stars!". But when you use 'this', it refers to something near, and direct. for example, when introducing someone, " Hello, 'this' is my friend, Tasha."

They move to Korea to their father and their half-brother Onew.

Now this is missing a few add-ons. To make it into a proper sentance, add the word 'live with' .such as,

They move to Korea to (live with) their father and their half-brother Onew.

When writing a story(especially forward and summary), You must always remember to use past tense.

They start school there and find many friends.

Instead of start and find, replace it with started and found.

For me, this part of the story is confusing ====>

Will Mali find her first love or not? What is the secret of Mie, a friend from school? Will they  get along with the jealousy of other girls? Can they be be theirselves?

How will the fights between Key and Fabi ending? And what is about her boyfriend in Germany(?) could there (their) love be as strong enough (as what they had thought)?

Its as if first you are telling bout the starting of the story and you suddenly skip to this. there is no link. You didnt state that Mali was searching or even looking for her bf so this is also a spoiler. You didnt even introduce Mie properly. What other girls are you refering to? The be is typed 2 times(forgivable) but there id no such thing as theirselves. use the word 'themselves' next time.  Who is key? And why were they even fighting? (this already leaks out a spoiler). btw, once again, use past tense. not Ending. You can say: How will the fight between Key and Fabi end as? 

Overall, Your ratings. C. Its a total spoiler, It doesnt explain the story properly. 5/10. I wouldnt want to read your story. 

I know this is harsh critisism but i look forward on how you would improve. I have hopes. You can improve.  You have the idea in your head. its only that you cant put it in words. I have a friend from germany too and the reason why her eng is good is because she reads lots of english books and she works hard. so my last words are, HWAITING! Im Looking forward on how you would improve.