He walked out of that brown door. Shoulder hung so low, closer to the ground than his own head, I swore he looked like he would melt into the ground. 

“Hyung…”

Those words fell out of my lips as I watched him pass. He listened to what I asked but never to what I meant. Always, always so perceptive about everyone else but himself. The pain in my chest thumped like the drums we played together two years ago. It was loud and deafening.

Was I wrong? Was I wrong to send him away? I feel the fibers of my scalp tighten as I tugged on my hair, trying to pry out these thoughts. Trying to be back in the light I was in a few years ago. 

“Hyung…” I called upon his name, this ghost that I have once sworn to protect. To give away my own life for his. But I gave away enough, to the brim of death, I would have done more. But only if he had given back. Only if he had started to see this world in a different way. To find happiness with me and not in me.

He called me his light, but like the candles, I could only burn so much before I burn out. Like lightbulbs, I gave him my all, my strength and my smile even when he refused. Not caring for any consequence, too naive to consider the price I had to pay for a few seconds of his laugh. But I ran out of light myself, as much as I tried to be there for him these few months, my soul was hollow. 

How could I give someone my heart when I have lost it myself. 

The smell of bad liquor seeped into my nostrils as I leaned on the wall, trying to suppress this withdrawal. His smell, his hair, his skin, his voice, they all still linger here. I looked up at the ceiling, the only place he never touched, the only place that did not have his trace. 

“I’m okay…” I whispered, to silence these voices in my head. This guilt that had long swollen in my throat. 

“I’m…” 

The air thickened, everything was so difficult. My throat started to burn, as I grappled onto the leg of this chair. God… I called, the only savior I remembered as my chest exploded with pain. Distinct ringing in my ears made all of my wailing a whisper. I could not hear them over this excruciating loss, I could not even stand. 

“Byunghun hyung!” 

Everything started flooding in, every memory, every sweet moment. Like a traitor, my own head started to sing a gospel of what I have lost. I gripped at the clothe over my chest, panting, every breath too difficult and every thought is like a knife stabbed into my chest. I loved him with everything I could, I gave him my heart, my body, and my promises. 

But it was never enough. When he left, I was stripped to my bones and yet, I would have followed him. I would die for him but even if I did, it would not be enough. I cried for his name as my mind raced to justify what I did. We were both drowning and he refused to see that. 

“Why do you hate living… why would you hate the world you promised to give me hyung?” 

With every strength I have, I tried to sit up but instead, like a wilted leaf, I fell to the ground. I laid there, hugging the floor for any sort of control, any sort of comfort. As I laid there for the whole night, drenched in tears, pulling and pushing the thought of searching for him, I realised; Love never hurts you. The person you loved does and as you pull out all of your cards, hoping that they would do the same, you had just booked your ruin. And no kind of love can save you once you’ve sold your soul to the devil thinking, what you did was right. 

I decided to add a chapter depicting Changjo's POV. Haha I saw the comments and how he came out selfish, and yes initially maybe I wanted him to be that a few years ago. But when I read it again, I feel like I had to write the other side of the coin. The reality of their relationship in my head now is a toxic one. And sadly, that is common with mental illnesses. Sometimes as much as someone tries to hold out their hand, a depressed or insecure person would pull all the way but would feel like you never even tried. So yeah, I hope portray the contrast between these two, seeing how Ljoe had seen Changjo as life source, his lifeline, but never had the trust to become better. And how Changjo had loved Ljoe despite his darkness, he was never prepared to actually give everything away, to literally die with his lover. His plan was to save Ljoe, but Ljoe was already head deep in the water.