“Hey…” He called gently, walking over to graze his big warm hands on Byunghun for comfort. For love. The latter sighed at his touch, a shiver prickling down his spine as his skin loses contact with Jonghyun’s rash, hot fingers. At that moment, that consolation brought him to the edge, tears pouring out his eyes and his raspy voice, scattered in the cold air. “How the hell am i suppose to leave this Jonghyun, how can i leave…”

How can i leave you?

His deep sunken eyes glared with confliction as his skin grew white. Not even a frown. Jonghyun held him in his arms without any emotions. So casually into love. What is it? What is love? he figured, he asked, when he saw no regret in his beloved’s eyes. What the could it mean if leaving was that easy. How in the world could he fulfil Jonghyun’s request without tearing apart? His tears was unstoppable and it had no shame. His grief was filling the bright room and simply, in his eyes everything went grey. 

“I need you to leave Hyung. I made a decision and sadly, its not you.” Jonghyun spoke, his warm fingers rubbing his brows, massaging in circles as they hid his eyes. “Life is unfair, i know. But i can’t fix the world for you Byunghun. I can’t stay with this darkness you have.”

He said. Like Bynghyun’s tears, his words were shameless. 

YOU ING RIPPED ME APART! YOU STABBED ME RIGHT IN THE HEART! YOU MOTHERING SADISTIC BASTARD!

“I'm sorry.” Byunghun mumbled, instead of all those curses his mind had planned. They were by the tip of his tongue and yet, he apologised. Because that is love. One could break you into pieces pathetically and still, its not their fault. “I'm so sorry i hurt you with my depression. I’m so sorry for not being able to make you happy. I’m so sorry its me.”  Byunghun explained, his knuckles growing red from clasping onto his jeans. He could feel the skin on his thighs ripping, tearing into a bloody line of scratches but it did not matter. Because inside, within this flesh, he was crumbling to pieces. He tried his best to flash a decent smile, but he failed so miserably that when Jonghyun saw his face, the latter needed to sit down for  a breather.

“How should i do this hyung?” Jonghyun spoke, his tone cracking and growing venerable. 

“I used to think that you’re the brightest person on earth. I fell for your dummy smile, for your goofy laugh and everything that made you light up, I had no idea that you were depressed. I didn’t sign u..”

“I mean. I could never be prepared for this Hyung.” His explained, as his eyes lingered on the dark horizontal scars on Byunghun arm. It was scattered all over his skin, like a pattern, like code. Like a curse. Jonghyun saw the latter’s cursed heart and he grew scared. Byunghun pulled on his sleeves and covered his pattern, his marks. It was secret but that secret could never stay hidden when he is in love. Jonghyun had seen his truth, not just physically but emotionally too. And it was scary. So Byunghun felt guilty. Still it didn’t mean that he had to leave.

How could he when Jonghyun is his only source of light. When the latter is his only happiness. 

Byunghun walked closer to Jonghyun, rested his forehead on the latter’s right shoulder and breathed slowly. At that moment, he could feel the annoyance, the disgust from Jonghyun’s skin. And just as he was about to move, “Hyung, this incredible attachment you have for me…”

Clingy. You’re ing clingy.

“It has to stop. I can’t be your drug, i can’t be your painkiller.”

Stop leaning on me like a useless dog. You’re so tiring.

“You have to learn how to see brighter things in life without my help. Because if you don’t try now, i don’t think you can go on. You have to try living without me okay? Hyung?”

I just need you to be gone, for sake. I’m fed up

“Hyung?”

“I don’t care Jonghyun. I don’t care what comes out of your mouth of what you are thinking, I need you to stay. I’ll work harder, i’ll get better. Please, just don’t leave me alone.” His words flowed smoothly, quite unexpectedly too. He sounded so desperate that when he heard his own voice, hus fingers trembled with fear. A fear that approaching him like phantom, never stopping and never merciful. Beads of sweat glistened on his forehead as the room grew silent, Jonghyun stayed muted by guilt, by his own heart. But he was so set up on leaving, so tired of picking Byunghun off the ground countlessly, his mind became a blur.

“Oh god hung. Get a grip please. I can’t do this, i can’t handle you anymore….”

“SO PLEASE!” his deep voice bounced on the walls cruelly. Weariedly. Like there was no hope anymore for them both. Because after so long, Jonghyun had thirsted for a free life. For a happy one. “Please let me go.” In the end, all that coldness melted into a desperate plead. Jonghyun was scared for his life that he could progress into depression too, just like his boyfriend who was never getting better. Months and months of treatment and support, but still never a glimpse of chance. 

His round, big eyes flurried with wet, damp emotions. And tough, he believed he was strong, the way his red nose started running and how his face grew crimson, crumbled all his pride away.

“Please walk away Hyung. I can’t leave you but i need you to.” he explained, pieces of fondness still visible from his broken expression. But the overwhelming fear, the sadness of depression casting a shadow in his eyes broke Byunghun. 

“Okay.” the latter agreed. 

But, as his said that one word. Byunghyn could feel his ripping heartstrings and his fast, despaired pulses running under his skin. And as if the floor had fallen apart, he could not stand straight. His head too busy trying to function while agony ate away his conscienceness. 

“I'll walk away for you Jonghyun.” he said, tears no longer staining his cheeks. His dead, soulless voice echoed inside the silent room. 

“If it makes you happy, i’ll walk away.” he emphasised emotionless. 

Because that moment when he took that first step, the faces Jonghyun fell for was gone. The goofy giggles and wide grins, they burned away with his breath. Byunghun was enguled in darkness before, but when he met the latter, things had changed. As littles as it was, he changed. But Jonghyun did not see, so with every step, this the darkness was definite.

When Jonghyun asked for an end, it had meant Byunghun’s life. 

So let it end, let this whirlwind end. 

Whispered Byunghun, sounding closer to death than ever. As if it welcomed him longingly. As if it was time. 

“Let this end."