I never thought that it will turn out like this. We meet by coincident on a road. My hands freezing waiting for the train at that underground station. You stood beside me, shipping into hot coffee that still steamed out its smoke.

I’m pouted. I want chocolate too.

Then your hand spread across my face. That hot coffee is in front of my nose. Its smells are tempting and its warm invite me to drink it.

“There is no fending machine here and I don’t bought two coffee so I hope you didn’t mind drink this.”You said before I could ask.

“T-that’s no need… Thank you.”I tear away my eyes from you.

From your gorgeous eyes and look somewhere else.

“I have no contagious disease…”

“No. not that. It’s your coffee so…”

“I give it to you. Your hand freezing. Take hold and drink it. It will warm your body too. Not much but it’s helpful.”

I’m freezing when your hand brush again mine. You wrapped my hand around that plastic cup and I frown when I lose that contact.

I attracted to you from the very first time we met.



Since then, we often meet at the train station and take the same train every day. We introduced ourself. We talk a lot. Chat about what my hobby is, what is yours, and random thing to know more about each other. We exchange phone number. We become often communicate by text or call.

Then one day, you move somewhere else. Somewhere that far away from me. We can’t meet anymore but we promise to text and call each other more often. I delighted by just a text or call from you.

You told me that you have boyfriend, a night when you call me. I smile and told you its okay. Really. I’m okay with it. It’s your life. You aren’t someone for me. That time at least.

You tell me about your little secret. I’m happy you trust me enough to tell me that. I said its okay. I’m not giving a damn about that issue. We become closer from then on. More text and call.

I scold you for your not-eat-properly habit. You often so careless about your health and I hate it. 

You said you are not healthy person and I don’t care. Why I should bothered by that fact?

I scold you more when you not eat or when you feel not well. Your habit is to tell me that you are okay. Liar! I know you are not okay. You are too careless. You don’t know how worry I am.

 “I know it sounds ridiculous but I think I like you. I like you more than I should do. It’s okay if you don’t want to be friend with me again.”

I’m shocked with your confession by text but I smile second later. You make me comfortable why should I leave you?

I said, “It’s okay. I don’t mind. You can like me the way you want to. You can think of me the way you want to. And you can consider me as the one who you want to be.”

We back to our routine. Texting. Calling. Like nothing happened.

One thing that always makes me smile ear to ear when read or hearing your voice: you call me baby.

You text ‘saranghae baby’. I smile till I feel my face is burning. I’m blushing. I’m comfortable with you.

I think I like you.

“I’m so comfortable being with you. How you treat me like your boyfriend. I’m so happy. But if you keep doing this, I will really consider you as my boyfriend.”I text you.

“That’s what you should do.”You reply.

I smile again. Not really a proper confession or state that we are dating but, hell, I don’t care with that formality. I just care that we are like a couple now. A real one.

Even though we are far away from each other, but it’s not a matter for me. It’s so damn okay as long as you love me. We act like a happy couple.

“Sarangahae baby-ah.”

“Nado sarangahe hubby-ah.”

“Saranghae hubby-ah.”

“Nado baby-ah.”

Your nice treat, your voice, your words, all of them make me forget one thing. Your boyfriend.

I begin to worry that someday you will leave me. And what that makes me worried more is I know that you definitely would.

“As long as I haven’t married him, I will always with you. We can be like this till that day.”

I chuckle, tears fall from my eyes reading your promise.

I decide to believe in you. That’s enough for me and I’m happy.

We are so lovely. Flirty. People envy us.

We fight.

I cried.

You hate it when I’m crying yet you keep being the reason why I cried.

You begin to act strange. You are so cold to me.

“I’m okay. It’s just you are too sensitive.”

Maybe that’s right. I’m always being a very sensitive while you are an insensitive person.

I let it go. But it’s not once or twice. You doing it so often till I forget that I’m a sensitive person. No! Actually it’s not my sensitiveness.

You are really changed.

I ask you. You insist that you are okay.

I began to suspicious towards you.

“Do you still love your hyung? Did you fall in love to that dongsaeng of yours? You are way too close.”

We fight. You haven’t contact me for almost three day full. I’m not exactly remembering.

I text you. Call you. Apologizes. I begging for forgiveness but you keep ignoring me.

I sent so many texts to you but none of your reply comes to me. I call you but you never pick up.

I’m crying all day. All night. Hand phone on my hand. I never leave the screen, afraid that I will miss your call or late to reply your text. But nothing.

All calls and texts aren’t from you. I’m disappointed and angry to myself. Why did I so sensitive?

I give up.

Then you reply me.

“I forgive you.”

You don’t know how happy I am. I call you and we begin talk but it’s not so smooth. I cried on the phone and you sound irritated. I know I’m a crybaby and you hate it.

We make it. I thought everything will be okay from that time on but guess I make a big mistake.

We are more often fighting. You so easily get mad. I don’t know what happen to you. I really don’t know who you are anymore.

Then, one night or day, I don’t really remember because I don’t want to remember that painful day, you told me to break up with you.

I stunned. Can’t move. Can’t think straight.

I begged you. I demand for explanation but you never give me one. I’m lost. What did I do wrong? But you said nothing wrong.

I’m broken.

I listen a lot to your three favorite songs. My tears fall endlessly every melody comes out from those songs. It reminds me so much about you. About my beloved one.

I made up my mind. I don’t wanna give up. I won’t give up. I call you again. Text you again like nothing happen. Like you never broke me up. I still call you ‘hubby’. I talk to you like you are still my lover.

Pathetic? I know.

But I didn’t mind it. I need to make myself happy. I need to give myself strength to smile. I need to know whether you still love me or not.

You irritated. Yes, I know that.

You make everything’s clear for me.

You told me,

“You are serious. 100% serious about our relationship and it makes me afraid that one day I will faced to a choice that I should choose either you or him. So what should I do now?”

I’m speechless. I am… serious? So you aren’t?

I smile bitterly. Yes. I should have known this.

Then you said,

 “And it’s difficult. I love both of you. I don’t want hurt him. Don’t want hurt you too. So what should I do now??”

You sound desperate, but I’m more desperate than you.

Why do loving you is so hard?

I love you. I really do. He can be the one who know you first. He is the one who being your fiancé now. But I do love you too. If I know you before him, if I born as other self, I would like to be with you forever. I would like to take you away.

But I am just ordinary man that can’t do anything to take his love back.

I never been jealous toward your fiancé. Really. I’m more jealous towards ‘your hyung’ nad your dongsaeng and anyone lese that so close to you. I’m jealous to them not your fiancé.

I’m okay with his existence. I’m okay if someday you have to leave me because you have to marry him, not because that silly reason of yours.

I need you to fulfill your promise that as long as you haven’t marry him, you will be mine., be with me, but why you never understand?

“If you were me, what you will do?” you ask me.

“Be with me.”I reply.

If you ask me, of course I will choose what I want. I won’t look from your perspective; I will stuck on my ego and choose to continue this relationship.

But then, I remake my mind. I can’t be like this to you. You are definitely confused of what to do. I can’t be egoist to hold you here. I more than know that you didn’t want to hold on anymore.

I should let you go.

“Leave me. Just focus on your fiancé.”I told you.

Hurt.

Painful.

I don’t know that I can get hurt by my own words. Really it’s so painful.

I’m crying again.

“Someone smile and another else cry? Can I?”

I almost beg you to stop when you said that. Why you always like this? Push me and then pull me again?

“I’m okay.”I reply.

“What is the meaning of your ‘ok’ ? It’s ok you will be fine and can be my friend or it’s ok but you not ok at all? Which one, hm?”

“Which one do you think?”I ask you back.

“If I remember what have happened before, it’s the second. Which one?”

You got it right! How can I be ok? You left me and happy with him, how can I be ok?

“Which one do you want me to be?”Again I ask back.

“Why do you ask me? You are the one who will go through it. You free to choose.”

I insist you to answer my question. Actually I already know what you want but still I hope you choose the second too. So I have other reason to hold you here.

“Answer my question first then I will answer yours.”You offer.

“The second.”

“So my guess is right. How to make you ok and really okay?”

“Answer my question.”I demand.

“Absolutely the first one.”

I knew it.  “Ok. I will be okay and still be your friend.”’

“Really? Are you really going to be okay?”

Why I hate it when your words seem happy?

“I’m ok.”

“Friend.”You reply with smile emoticon in your text. I crying louder.

“One day if I call you, you shouldn’t cry. We can talk like best friend.”You add.

Best friend? You know what? I hate that word.

“Ok.”I reply shortly.

“It’s really you are okay, not because of me.”

It’s for you.

Then you begin talk to me like ‘best friend’. But I can’t be the same. Everything won’t be the same.

I can’t talk to you like I used to do. I can’t talk to you like nothing happen. I’m a bit cold to you, but I bet you didn’t notice because you never care.

I read all of your tweet every day. Some of them make me cry and happy. It’s normal.

But I’m not myself anymore. I change. I begin annoy my friend. Talk random thing that it’s so ridiculous. I’m crazy!

I’m not used to our new relationship.

I still jealous toward them who close to you. I still miss you. I still want to hear or read you call me ‘baby’. Do you know why I can’t call you by your name? Because I can’t.  I don’t want to call you by your name or another nick name. I hate it.

I still love you.

I said I will move on but the fact is I’m stuck here.

Waiting for you to comeback. Silly thing to do because I know very well that you won’t comeback.

I become careful to talk with you because I’m afraid I call you ‘hubby’ like I used to.



I sigh for the nth time when I remember that all. It’s still hurt, really.

You happy there? I won’t say that I’m happy too because I’m not.

I’m not happy, hubby-ah. But I guess I feel relieve to know that you are happy.

You should now that I still love you. I miss you till every night I cried. I want us to be like before.

I still have hope for it. I won’t lose that hope.

I, Kim Junsu, will always love Park Yoochun.



Bad? I know.

The three songs that I mention in the fic are Crazy Love, I’ll Be There, and Forever Love. All by TVXQ.

I really love those songs now even though I always tell that I’m bored of it. Lol

Anyway thank you….

Comment please….^^