"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." (Lao Tzu)

It was dark. The day ended hours ago but sleep would not crawl up your sleeve.

You are used to this routine. You are used to the hours and tasks at hand. The physical exhaustion, the mental weariness, everything is but a habit now. They do not bother you. Not anymore.

Tonight though, it seemed a little bit different. For when your back hit on the uncomfortable sleeping bag and your head rested on the wooden floor, the usual routine of sleep would not come. The grogginess and the exhaustion seemed to have been defeated by the mind that ran back through time.

What changed?

You were not counting. 

Hell, you don't even care, or supposed to.

You were so good at forgetting, of denying. But the darkness sometimes has this power over the mind and the heart, for the light that you once knew shone through its gaping hole. Now the light does not leave, it would last longer than you wanted.

Useless thoughts are never welcomed; your mind had shut down to wasteful memories. And yet, when you raised your head that night, a familiar sight caught your eyes... and you smiled.

The question suddenly hung low inside and you found yourself asking, "What happened?" Your chest fluttered and your stomach twirled. It was like that years ago. That familiar feeling, it was coming back, and no, it does not haunt for haunting induces fear and pain. This one... induces glee.

"Keep it. It's a lucky cork." You had once said and he smiled back raising the old thing to the skies. The stars were out and despite the chilly breeze from the small balcony you both did not feel cold. "It's boring, but it's lucky." You used to joke around, and you love giving him presents. Sometimes, even the smallest of a button would do. That time, it was a wine bottle cork. His fingers twirled around it, every caress spoke of emotion unsaid.

“Kyu... I’m serious. Keep it.” Ah, the endearment in the name, something you would never do, not any more. He looked at you and let out a fake sigh. 

"I bet it is." And he winked playfully, a gesture he did only for you. You had to bite your lip to stop the giggles; it was hilarious but still, you knew your chest beamed. You pushed him slightly, teasing at how ridiculous you both looked. It was one of those nights that you got the place all to yourselves and you decided a peaceful talk was good. He reached for you and twined your fingers together. They look odd, but they fit so well you raised them up to your lips for a gentle kiss.

You remember the feeling as a sigh escaped your mouth. It was like the warmth of the sun shining on your skin on a cold winter night. Unconsciously, you touched your arms, longing and hungry for that tenderness once again.

"Sungmin..." There were those days you missed how your name sounded from his mouth, uttered by his perfect voice. Nevertheless, you don’t forget, not now, maybe not ever.” I love you."

No.

What has passed cannot be brought back. It was over. You sat up straight and shook your head.

You had moved on. You know deep inside that you had, and you would continue to do so. The pain would not linger, it would leave. One day, it would totally vanish like bubbles floating in the air and popping one by one. No evidence that they were there. 

To convince yourself, you pulled the familiar sheet under your pillow, a tiny envelope that says it all. It was as clear as the reality it had brought to you, a reality you had forced yourself to believe. It haunts you, and it frightens you in some way you couldn't even fathom. But you had accepted it and you cannot run away from it.

Pulling the band from inside, you raised it in between your fingers. It was beautiful, too different from the ugly bottle cork you held once. It is pristine, shining even in the low light of the moon. It screams of commitment, of love. You chose this, you convinced yourself for this spotless life, and now you got it. No more dirty old cork.

There were no feelings from the past. The dirt from what had transpired has been removed and it replaced by a new life... of marriage. You are happy. You should be.

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Another day, another 24 hours of tasks and unending work. It's nice to be buried in such, to forget the reality and the pain. The more work, the better.

There was but a saying that whatever happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today. 

He had suffered too much pain, but what he is now, he really isn't quite sure. What he became, he isn't even aware any more. He smiles when directed, poses when told. He sings with the right emotion, somehow, he had learned to fake them. He goes about with what is given. He goes along, because that is what he is expected to do.

Throwing himself on the familiar mattress, he let out a sigh. It really is difficult to love someone who doesn't love you back or maybe, someone who can't return such feelings, not now, not any more. When he sees the reality, jealousy ruts his chest and it punches him deep. Still, he stays on the loop.

It was stupid for him to check his computer. It was stupid to keep on yearning but he is that stupid and he has no plans to change, He frowned as his fingers scrolled over the sensitive screen and photos and news keep on appearing. The wedding, the selcas, the military photos, and her absurd posts of her concern towards him appeared.

He looked the posts, one by one he tried to compare. They were happy; their eyes were shining in every page. The chemistry was there.

“Sungmin loves her.” He spoke quietly in the emptiness of his room, reminding himself of his own idiocy. “He loves her and I loved him and it’s different now.”

There was no response. He closed his eyes and sighed.

The sound of another beep woke him in this melancholy.

[Tomorrow at 8?]

The message blinked and he frowned. Would it be worth it? Would trying to move on be good for him?

[Sure] The reply was sent ten minutes late. His mind continued to drift onto a sea of memories and pain. The closure never happened, but he knew that the other had moved on, so why can't he?

Would this new relationship help him? Would it bring the same smiles? Would it bring new memories, those of bliss and not ache?

He knew he couldn't answer the question. This would not last; just like the one he ventured in some months ago. A spur of the moment decision that practically screamed fake. He knew, and yet he still does. For now, denial is his best defence. It could be his only weapon for this pain.

"Kyuhyun!" The loud whisper of worry from the other side of the door shook his thoughts. Unfortunately, it wasn't the voice that used to call him at the wee hours of the night. It wasn't toned to look forward to some sneaking out for a couple of hours. It was not a call for 'wine night'. It was not even the same caring tone whenever he was tire.

No. It was not Sungmin.

"What?" He called back, frustrated and guilty at the same time. He shut his computer and pulled a blanket over him, shielding his body from all of its vulnerabilities.

"Go to sleep." Ryeowook called and he frowned. "Please, just for tonight try to get some good sleep."

He snorted. "Okay." For the sake of ending the conversation, he said it. He waited for the shadow to leave, till yet again, he was alone.

Looking at the empty ceiling he snorted. "But I never had one since last year."

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It probably is the hardest, for when you fall in love; you gave them your all. Unfortunately, you forget about yourself. None has been left for your own and you end up shattered in wee bits of pain and denial.

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You force yourself that you love her and you are happy with what you have. The love you shared with him was gone but you cannot forget how much you have given, and how much you had broken. You gave your all, and you ruined your all. Maybe it was your fault, maybe it was his. But the image you had always wanted to protect... was it even worth it?

You stepped out from the gates as the thoughts swam in your head. This was not a good time to be back; it’s not good to be in a place filled with memories, even just for the weekend. Life is unfair.

Two days of physical rest, but almost forty-eight hours of emotional distress.

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It did not go well. He was tired and foul and the dinner did not go well. It would seem to end soon for she wasn't the type to be patient. His mother had tried her best, s understood enough, but it seem that trying for fake relationships would just deepen the cut.

Was there really no space for moving on? The cork still rests in his bag and it goes wherever he does. He had made an excuse for the reason behind it in front of the cameras but he can never find an excuse for it in real life.

"You're like a fake person. We are not like that."

Leader was understanding. Aside from him, Leeteuk had been hurt the most. The betrayal of trust and of respect had ruined them all but leader had been the most devastated, seconding to him.

"I don't care." He answered dully. He really did not. He wanted to be happy, for the fans, for his brothers but he couldn't help it. Feeling better for another who had hurt you so bad is never easy. He was just another human being hurt. "I'm sorry."

A pat on his head and a sad smile. The gesture was appreciated but he couldn't give more. He was ruined, he gave too much, and he ruined himself. It was tragic, it was unfortunate.

How could he rebuild whatever was broken?

He questioned himself, he questioned life but the answer remained unknown. Would time be so kind to give it to him soon?

Hopefully... but not now.

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You loved him. He loves you. There is a difference now and nothing can be done.

He thinks maybe it was supposed to be this way. May be, it was really never meant to be.

You pulled out the band and place it on your finger. You allowed the cold steel touch your skin.

He took the cork from his bag, stared at it before walking to the bin at the corner of the room. He threw it in.

You looked at the sky and asked.... "What if things were different?"

He looked far away and asked... "What if things were different?"

Your head touched the glass of the bus. "What if I wasn't too ambitious?"

He sat on the empty bed. "What if I wasn't too proud?"

"What if I never turned my back on the group?"

"What if I ran after you?"

"What if...."

You stopped. What if....

He paused.

And then there was none.

END

Eleven Painful Things

...to bring back the feeling you've learned to forget... to reminisce the good times... to try to hide what you really feel... to love someone who loves another... to have a commitment with someone you know would not last... to shield your heart to love somebody... to love a person too much... to love at the wrong time... to take the risk to fall in love again... to accept  that it was never meant to be... and finally, What if's