The little store around the corner of Luhan’s block of flats could probably tell each and every one of Luhan’s heartbreaks, he mused; if it could, it would say his heart had always been broken on the same person for as long as he had been a customer: three years.


Four years back, Luhan had been part of a cosy group of friends who went to the same uni as him. It had been his and Minseok’s idea, but it was Yifan the one to actually organise at least a group chat, adding them and their other seven friends. He’d always thought those so called closed groups of friends were petty and stupid, yet he soon realised it was fun; like being a celebrity without the annoying flash of multiple cameras shoved at his face.


A few months later, there were two new members in their group. One of them was the boy on whom Kyungsoo did not have a crush, Jongin, who could charm the pants off anyone, and a friend of both Jongdae and Tao, Sehun, who was really boyish and shy, but let a short glimpse of sharp tongue show at some point. Luhan had liked both boys, taken them under his wing and told them to be comfortable around him, to which both boys agreed heartily.


Only seven months later, Luhan found himself calling Yixing at a little past midnight, cursing himself and his luck when he got a busy tone; he texted him to call him as soon as he finished the other call. His phone rang 40 minutes later.


“To what do I owe the displeasure?” Yixing said as a way of greeting.


Luhan sighed forlornly, not in the mood to banter with Yixing, before explaining in detail the reason behind his late night call. He checked the clock on his wall when he finished; he had spent 25 minutes dissecting every little feeling of his to Yixing, ending up a lot more confused and on the verge of breaking down.


He realised it might’ve not been the smartest decision when Yixing decided to be rational instead of a good friend, “you should tell him. I’m pretty sure he’s had a crush on you ever since he and Jongin joined us.”


“I called you because you like to sugar coat things so people feel better, I didn’t want to hear something that’s clearly a lie.”


“Sometimes you need to hear the truth. I have a mid-term at a quarter past seven, though. I’ll go sleep; you should rest some, too.”


After Yixing hung up, Luhan thought about telling Sehun he had a crush on him. Worst-case scenario, Sehun would reject him, which wouldn’t cause much trouble since they didn’t have any class together, and they saw each other mostly at one of the others’ houses for their meetings and whatnot. Luhan was not about to deny the fact that he did go out of his way to bump into Sehun on campus, or that he invited him for tea at least once a week, because they did have a special bond over things the others didn’t care about.


With that in mind, he shimmied out of his jeans and turned the lights off before going to bed. It would be a long night and he wasn’t sure he’d get any sleep, but he’d try.


The next day greeted him with a comfy Jongin sitting on Sehun’s lap and a sulky Kyungsoo, and it was all it took to convince Luhan he should never tell Sehun he had a crush on him, not caring that the day after, Jongin and Kyungsoo were sitting together and twining their hands, while Sehun rolled his eyes at them, muttering a ‘gross’ in their direction. He had chickened out the day before and vowed to not say a word about his feelings to Sehun; they’d probably go away soon.


Sometime later, he offered Sehun the empty room he had in his flat, seeing as he’d come from a different city and was struggling to pay his part of the rent. It had been Kyungsoo and Baekhyun’s idea, since they were planning to tell Jongin to move in with them, and he and Sehun shared costs. Baekhyun seemed preoccupied by the fact that Jongin was moving in with him and Kyungsoo, even when Chanyeol spent half of his time in the flat as well.


“So, what I’m saying is that since you two have this weird friendship going on, you could help him out. He will not refuse your offer, and it’s not like he will freeload, you know him.”


And the problem was that Baekhyun was right, he did know Sehun, and knew he would help as much as he could, as well as he knew that if it were any of their other ten friends, Sehun would politely decline.


“I will tell him, sure.”


But after three years of living together and teasing Sehun (and himself, although he would never admit that), being like an older brother, but flirting at times, and gazing longingly at him when he thought no one was paying attention, he was about ready to scream, or explode, whichever happened first. That’s how autumn found him sitting across from Sehun and Jongin three months before his graduation inside a small coffee shop downtown, for their still ongoing tradition of getting tea at least once a week.


Those small trips, however, had become Luhan’s source of pure masochism, a reminder of the million reasons why Sehun would never be his – as if he needed that. Jongin liked to tag along sometimes, and Luhan felt like he could breathe a little better on those evenings; he had a distraction, he could focus on Jongin’s warm smile and knowing eyes instead of Sehun’s expectant ones, his jawline, or even his lips as words rolled out of them.


“You’re leaving us soon, Luhan. I’m going to miss you so much,” Jongin confessed, looking nonchalant, although Luhan knew he was being honest and it probably hurt Jongin a lot to see him go.


“Worry not, my loyal younger brother, as I shall continue to live in the same home.”


Sehun chuckled at Luhan’s lame antics, “yeah, Jongin, he can’t kick me out and you know you’re always invited, so why are you acting like a drama queen? You’re gayer than Tao, I swear.”


“You see him every day, you face,” Jongin rolled his eyes at Sehun, “I get to see him when I invade your tea dates and sometimes when both of us have free time, which lately never happens.”


“You’re such a baby, goddamn.”


Luhan was laughing at them; he had always been a fan of their banter. He didn’t miss the way Jongin had referred to their meetings as ‘dates’, though. It had made his gut churn uncomfortably. So many years of loving the person sitting in front of him, whom he could never have, had turned him into a paranoid mess of half excuses and doubtful feelings.


“Sehun is right, just being a little brat about it, Jongin. You’re always welcome to stay at our flat. I hope that we’ll still see each other frequently.”


Jongin hummed while sipping his coffee – because tea was for , in his opinion. “Have you got any job offers yet?”


“I have! You know I’ve always wanted to open up my own business, but I might take on one of those jobs, depending on how long they want me to work for them. A little extra money will not hurt me; neither will some experience and acquaintances.”


Sehun nodded, smiling reassuringly at Luhan as he finished answering Jongin’s question.


“Yeah, and also, within those acquaintances you could find a group who would like to work in a different place, and give them an offer to work for a start-up. I know you have great plans for your future and your business, and I think you’ll do amazing.”


“I agree with Sehun. You’ll be very successful.”


Luhan felt his throat constrict at his friends’ words; they were always so sincere and supportive, it made him feel warm and loved. Jongin was full of conviction and Luhan knew he’d always seen him as a role model. However, he had taken Sehun’s words personally, his heart flip-flopping in his ribcage at the thought of making Sehun proud.


“Thank you for having faith in me, I appreciate it.”


He smiled weakly before Sehun stood up and sat on his left side so he and Jongin could hug him silently.


Luhan hated to feel so small and vulnerable, but he hated more to seem small and vulnerable. It was a blow to his ego every time Sehun and Jongin acted like the older men in their three-way friendship. He recalled a time when they acted like little scared bunnies, even with their outspoken personalities, and Luhan was like a kind king who would help them regain their self-confidence.


Nevertheless, this was his reality, his present time and his battered self. His friends from uni had found someone, some going as far as getting married, as it was Minseok’s case, with stable jobs and stable states of mind. He, on the other hand, had become the best liar with the most disarming smile. Sometimes he wondered if they all bought the act, or if they were just waiting for him to hit rock bottom, or ask for their help. He also wondered if Sehun noticed, if he knew the reason behind Luhan’s well-masked distress.


Something told him Sehun did, but just like everyone else, he was just waiting for Luhan to speak up.


How Luhan suspected Sehun had, at least, a vague idea of his feelings? He couldn’t exactly explain it. It was the way Sehun would look at him at times, open and unguarded, waiting for Luhan to slip up, to address the metaphorical elephant in the room – which often happened to be their shared kitchen during dinner. It scared Luhan, too, because he wasn’t sure Sehun would be there to catch him. He knew him well, but couldn’t be sure of his intentions, when all Sehun did was throw Luhan’s own game back at him.


“What are you waiting for? That kid is just as in love with you as you are with him, Luhan. I’ve seen him turn down at least 10 people in the last couple of years, why do you think is that?”


Luhan rolled his eyes; Yixing could be so dramatic when he wanted to. Why did he even think making Luhan jealous was a good idea?


“Maybe he’s a very serious student who doesn’t want to complicate his life with a boy or girlfriend, maybe he’s just aual, who the cares?”


“You care, and you know what? You’re the only one who cares from now on, because I am done with trying to help you come to your senses, Luhan. I’m your best friend, I love and respect you as my senior as well, but I can’t do this anymore. I have not intervened because as much as I am concerned, it is not my business what you do with your personal life.” Yixing breathed in before continuing, “I see it from an outsider’s point of view, but you still refuse to believe me, and I really hate to see how both of you hurt each other with your silences, so I’m stepping out.”


Yixing’s visit and outburst had left Luhan a mess, even after Sehun had come home to find him curled up in the hallway. He hadn’t asked questions.


Of course Yixing’s words had made him doubt Sehun and himself, but what good was to wonder, when it was clear that, even if Sehun felt something, there was something else holding him back? If all Sehun needed was Luhan to confess to him, was it really worth the risk? Luhan wasn’t willing to, and he wouldn’t blame Sehun if he wasn’t, either.


There’d been times when Luhan had talked himself into being honest to Sehun, but come the moment of truth, he would just not say anything, often leaving Sehun to wonder and look at him questioningly, but never really asking. It made Luhan feel trapped and dizzy, like a wild cat in a kennel after receiving a sedative shot.


The small balcony on the other side of his window was frequently his place of choice to sit and think; he’d often recited his love to Sehun there, while Sehun was asleep, but mostly, when he wasn’t home. Afterwards he’d feel like the moon was staring down at them, alternating between him and Sehun, unsure of the reason behind Luhan’s melancholy.


He was aware that if he let himself be irrational, the consequences would be devastating; Sehun was everything he’d ever wanted, and he had proven this year by year, by showing Luhan his personal growth and emotional maturity. He’d become more independent, too, and the self-confidence that came from being young and beautiful had morphed into confidence that only the ones who were sure of themselves without being cocky had, which was the reason Luhan doubted Sehun had feelings for him.


But Luhan’s mind was usually his worst enemy, and at times when he was feeling down, it replayed one of his wildest fantasy: Sehun reacting to his confession. On good days Sehun’s reaction went from him reciprocating his feelings to him rejecting Luhan, but staying friends with him. On bad days, Sehun’s face would remain expressionless as he turned around and walked out of their house and Luhan’s life forever.


“Luhan, can we talk for a minute?”


Sehun’s voice wavered slightly, making Luhan nervous as he sat at their table. He filled two glasses of water before sitting himself down in front of him.


“Did you know, Sehun, that ‘we need to talk’, ‘can we talk’ and you saying those sentences while being serious is scarier than The Conjuring?”


Sehun smiled shyly then, relaxing a bit before breathing deeply.


“Sorry for scaring you, it’s just that I’m nervous.”


He’s nervous, Luhan thought sadly. The small smile still playing on Sehun’s lips, and it was enough for Luhan to know that this would be difficult for them to hear, but not life-changing.


“Alright,” Sehun sighed, “I’ve been thinking for, like, a long time and I have finally come to a conclusion. This is, like, the last step of said conclusion. I just need your approval; because you know, you’re, like, my conscience, right? And –”


“Sehun,” Luhan interrupted him rudely, “you’re rambling. I already lost count of how many times you’ve said ‘like’. Do it quick, make it painless.”


“Sorry. It is true, though. Your opinion matters a lot to me,” Luhan nodded before glaring at him. “. Okay. I don’t know how to bring it up, so I’ll just– I might be going to study abroad for a year.”


Luhan’s insides went cold as Sehun finished speaking, and he felt nauseous when he realised he was smiling encouragingly at him.


“You were nervous of telling me that?” He asked, not recognising his own voice and not sure where this pseudo-strength was coming from. “You know I will support you no matter what, Sehun.”


At that, Sehun’s face brightened visibly, even though Luhan saw a something darker flash in his eyes a millisecond before.


“I was worried, what if you didn’t like the idea? What if you kicked me out because I’m leaving?” Luhan rolled his eyes at him.


“First of all, why would I do that? And, whether it’s your mother or the person you’re dating, or even a deity you believe in, you should never stop going for what you want just because someone else says so, are we clear?”


Luhan finished his little speech with quivering lips; he didn’t know if it was because Sehun would leave or because he couldn’t follow his own advice. He saw Sehun nod along before his eyes filled with water and spilt.


“Luhan? Luhan, are you okay?” Sehun’s voice distilled sheer worry and Luhan hated himself for being so weak. Why the was he crying? Even better, why the was he crying in front of someone? In front of Sehun, at that.


“I’m sorry,” he choked out, coming up with a lie quickly, “I’m just so proud of you.”


After that, both of their lives became hectic; while Luhan was preparing for his graduation and, rather stressful, final project, Sehun was trying to keep up with his classes while working double shifts and finding home abroad. Luhan often found himself home alone and wondered if it’d feel worse once Sehun had actually left. He usually invited Jongin and Kyungsoo over so they kept him company and cooked with him; Kyungsoo would make food for four when it was his turn without even asking. Sehun was always grateful for it.


He still spent most of his time alone, however. His friends both had lives, and a relationship of their own. He’d never thought he was a loner, but he found himself extremely lonely at the lack of a certain Oh Sehun lounging around their flat.


Autumn was nearing its end and Luhan felt colder than ever; it was never good to mix winter with his gloominess, but at least Sehun was home for the day. Luhan had become better at breathing when he wasn’t around and had stopped cooking out of loneliness. Sehun would come home to find different types of biscuits and pound cakes scattered all over the kitchen, and a rosy-cheeked Luhan standing in the middle of the room, looking apologetic as he explained he’d got bored and decided to make half his weight in baked goods.


L