He left.

That was all I could think about.

How could he do that?

How could he.

I couldn’t wrap my head around it, nothing made sense anymore, my world came crushing down on me, leaving me lifeless, alone and afraid.

Unable to move.

My world used to be so colorful, so loud, so warm and so breathtakingly beautiful.

My life was happiness and he just took it all away from me, without a second thought, without regret… without even so much as a goodbye.

I didn't regret a single thing.

I didn't want to say goodbye.

I didn't

The colors were still there,

but fading,

I was slowly but steadily losing my grip on life.

Music and laughter, turned into silence and tears.

Dancing and teasing, into struggling and blank stares.

Gentle touches, into fists meeting walls.

I sank down the wall, desperately trying to breathe.

I felt like I couldn’t.

I couldn’t.

Not wanting to see his used coffee mug on the table, I closed my eyes, gripping my hair tightly.

I had it all done.

Screaming, shouting, smashing things, breaking down, feeling empty, punching walls, losing my friends, losing my family, losing my life over endless repeats of your name, wasting away into the darkness, for nobody to hear, for nobody to reach.

And I didn’t.

I didn’t understand.

I didn’t.

Did I not mean anything to you?

Did we not mean anything to you?

Anything at all…?

The reason I’m asking is..

You meant a lot to me.

You meant the world to me.

You still mean the world to me.

You do.

I’m tired of crying.

I’m tired of screaming.

I’m so, so tired.

I’m tired of breathing.

I’m tired of living.

I’m so, so tired.

I’m tired of everything.

Of everything, except you.

Only you.

Never will I get tired of you, saying my name, like it was the only one you wanted to say, the only one that mattered

Never will I get tired of you, caressing my skin, with gentle fingers, worshipping every inch of my body.

Never will I get tired of you, smiling that gorgeous smile of yours, the one that was, is, only meant for me to see.

So fond, so full of love for me,

For us…

Never in my life will I get tired of your stupid jokes, you know, the ones, I only laughed at because I couldn’t stand the sad expression on your face, if I didn’t.

Never in my life will I get tired of your embarassing dance moves and and ridiculous pelvis s, which often left me standing awkward by your side, but even more often than that, cheered me up on a bad day.

Never in my life will I forget you,

Never in my life will I forget our love.

That’s a promise.

Never will I get tired of remembering you and spending sleepless nights, whimpering your name and clutching my blanket tight, wishing it was you.

Never in my life will I stop loving you, thinking of you, hoping that you’ll come back.

Waiting for you to come back.

You won’t come back.

But I will always wait for you anyways.

If I close my eyes, cuddling into the hoodie that is slowly losing your scent, I can hear it, I can see it, I can feel it all again and it leads me to think that you are still there…

But you are not…

And I know that it’s dangerous, that I should move on, but I let myself dream a little longer, linger a little longer, every time it happens.

It happens so often nowadays, that the lines start to blur, leaving me unsure of which world is real.

It’s worrisome.

But I like it…

I like it a lot.

My friends say, that I’m not the same person anymore…

But how could I be the same, without you to keep me grounded?

My family says that I left them, just the way you did leave me…

But how could I stay, without you by my side?

How could I?

Seasons change, I see them all passing by in the blink of an eye.

People change, they don’t mean anything to me anymore.

This world doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.

They tell me that it’s time to move on.

But I can’t.

I just can’t.

Life has lost me, the moment I lost you.

Seasons change.

People change.

But nothing does ever change for me.

It’s all the same since you left.

Life isn’t worth anything without you in it.

The colors are gone by now.

My eyes lost their sparkle.

My soul lost its shine.

I lost you.

I lost myself.

I step outside, the cold breeze of a late November night fleeting over my bare arms, the cold cement making my feet ache.

I don’t feel anything.

The darkness surrounds me, swallows me whole.

There is nothing left of me.

But there is so much left of you.

I feel empty.

There is nothing left.

Nothing.

And nothingness, I become.

I walk down the streets, aimlessly.

I’m searching, but I don’t know what exactly for.

I’m not searching.

 I’m lost.

I hear our song.

It plays on repeat, in my head, all the time.

I can’t stop it from playing.

Honestly.

I don’t want it to stop playing.

I don’t want it to.

Your laughter rings in my ears.

It shakes my bones to the core.

It never failed to send a smile onto my face.

And it does not fail now, either.

It doesn’t fail.

The cold wind keeps up again,

This time weaving through my fingers, tousling my hair.

As if to urge me on,

As if to lead the way, back home.

And this time, I do feel something.

The leaves crumple under my bare feet, just as dead as me.

Life is a tree

And I have fallen,

People stepping onto me, not caring, that I once too, was a beautiful leaf; of a lively and rich red.

They are not caring at all.

And me neither.

My eyes are searching the horizon.

The stars are twinkling, the moon is smiling down at me, snowflakes covering my hair as if to hug my pain away and ease my aching heart.

And I’m thankful.

Even if it’s just for a while.

"I love you, Jiyong, so much..."

"I love you too, Seunghyun."

I walk onwards.

I’m wearing the tank top, you liked to see on me, so much.

The one you got me for Christmas.

Do you remember?

I do.

The thin fabric doesn’t even cover my shoulders.

It’s November.

I don’t feel cold.

I’m thinking of you.

I smile to myself, as realization hit.

I’m not searching.

I was not searching.

But I found, what I was looking for, anyways.

I reach out for you, tracing your name, the soft cursive engraved into concrete stone.

Meant to last forever.

Destined to reach eternity.

We were meant to last forever.

We were destined to reach eternity.

I press my face into the ground.

Hoping to become one with you.

Once again.

One last time.

For eternity.

There we lay, next to each other, looking into the night sky,

Just like old times.

Except for,

That I am breathing.

And you are not.

I don’t know about you…

But I don’t want to breathe.

I’m tired of breathing.

I used to spend endless nights to listen to your heartbeat.

I move my head, trying to catch it,

Just like old times.

But there is nothing.

There is only my heart beating.

And the sound is driving me nuts.

I hate how it sounds.

I despise it.

It doesn’t sound right.

Oh you have no idea how wrong it sounds.

My heart isn’t meant to beat a lonely melody.

My heart is meant to beat in sync with yours.

What good does a lonely heart do?

I caress the ground I’m lying on.

I can’t move anymore.

It’s cold.

It was never cold with you.

It’s always cold without you.

I try to stay awake, a while longer.

Just a while.

I regret the times, I didn’t stay awake with you.

I regret dozing off on your shoulders, in the middle of a story you were telling me.

I regret.

I regret it so much.

The snow keeps falling, silently.

I like the silence,

when it’s with you.

I like everything with you.

A thick blanket has covered me, by now.

It doesn’t feel cold anymore.

It feels warm.

My lips are probably blue, by now.

Blue was your favorite color.

Blue is warm too.

But nothing

Nothing

Is as warm as you

Shivering, I try to stay conscious.

Just for a little while longer.

I blink, desperately trying to stay awake.

I have to wait for you to come home.

I promised.

I think of all the times you made me laugh and cry.

I think of all the times you made me happy and miserable.

I think of all the times you told me you love and hate me.

I think of all the times you promised me to love me forever,

 Just to tell me to off the day after.

I think of all the presents, you gave me and all my favorite cups,

You smashed, when we fought.

I’m not angry.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

I think of all the times you invited me for a dinner date and ditched me on the next.

I think of your soft lips smothering my face with kisses and your hands gripping my upper arms tightly.

I think of all the truths and lies you told me,

White lies or not.

I think of all the times you promised me to stay

And left.

I think of all the times your eyes asked me to stay and all the times I should’ve asked you to stay.

You said you’d always stay, as long as I just asked you to.

And I think of all the times you returned, flowers hidden behind your back.

I think of you, all the time.

I love you.

You are forgiven.

I hope that I am forgiven too.

You promised me to stay, if I just asked you to.

But you didn’t.

You promised me to never leave me, if I just held onto you too.

But you did.

You promised me to come back, if I just needed you as much as you needed me.

I need you so much,

Seems that you don’t.

You promised me to always love me, if I just loved you back.

Did you mean it?

You promised me to come and save me, if I just screamed your name loud enough.

I cried it out, countless times.

I never did scream or shout it out, though.

If I did,

would it change anything?

A weak smile is gracing my serene face.

My lips form your name, in silence.

Is it too late to scream for you, to save me now?

Is it?

The snow is covering my lifeless body.

I wouldn’t move,

even if I could.

I stop breathing.

My heart stops beating.

Silence.

I like silence,

As long if it’s with you.

If you…

If only you had heard me.

If only you had come to save me.

If only you had come to save yourself.

If only you had come to save us.

But you didn't.

If only you'd stay true to your words, for crying out loud!

But you don't.

If you

If it isn’t too late…

But it is.

And I like the silence, so much better, than my heart filling it all on its own.