Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet

Actually, I’m a little scared

so I’m sorry

Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes

But I really mean it when I say

I like you

(Let's Not Fall In Love - Bigbang)

 

 

Hyosung watched as Rin twirled herself in front of her. Her red dress danced prettily around her as she twirled two more times, letting Hyosung juthe dress better.

“So?” Rin asked, grinning widely.

Hyosung nodded her head in agreement. Rin’s white skin matched the plain red dress. Her long black hair had been tied back in ponytail, revealing her long neck.

“Are you sure you want to wear heels?” Hyosung asked as Rin took out the last touch up of her look.

“Of course!” She exclaimed happily.

Hyosung said nothing as Rin started blabbering about her date with this friend of hers. All Hyosung knew was, Rin had slowly grown up to be woman. And, no, Hyosung didn’t really like the change.

There were two things that hit Hyosung when Rin told her about her date. She was getting old and Rin started slipping away from her hand.

Hyosung understood perfectly that it was all natural. She, too, had gone through the same process a long time ago. The word lingered around her head, slipping away. Her mother had never said anything when she did that. Only when she finally got married to her husband that her mother had fallen into tears.

Hyosung, too, never realized when did she start to slip away from her mother’s grip. It took her sixteen years to realize how painful it was for her mother to watch her slowly slipping away.

“So, this Lee guy, is your boyfriend?” Hyosung asked when Rin had stopped talking.

Her question somehow made Rin blushing hard. Whatever Rin was going to do, she didn’t do it upon her mother’s question. Hyosung noted how Rin didn’t answer her question right away or try to dodge the question.

‘Could it be that she is in a complicated relationship?’ Hyosung asked herself.

“He’s not. We’re just close but we’re not in a relationship or whatsoever,” Rin softly answered.

Hyosung frowned, “Something like ‘Some’?”

Rin laughed on her mother’s guess, “Yes. That’s such an outdated word, mom.”

“Wait, so how serious is your ‘some’ with this guy?” Hyosung quickly asked, ignoring Rin’s information.

“Mom!” Rin warned.

“What?” Hyosung acted dumb.

Rin sighed, she knew her mother’s act way too well. Fortunately, her phone rang loudly just when her mother was opening to speak again.

“He’s here!” Rin announced.

She didn’t wait for Hyosung to stand up. The voice of her heels hitting the floor echoed around the house. Hyosung chuckled. Her husband would be crazily jealous by now if he saw how Rin ran to a guy other than him. He would check the guys and tell Rin later how ugly the guys were. The thought made Hyosung quickly rose to her feet. She, too, wanted to know what kind of guys Rin was close with.

Lucky for her, Rin hadn’t left. She was busy texting something right in front of the door of their house.

“I thought you said he’s here?” Hyosung said, startling the girl.

“He is,” Rin mumbled before fixing her eyes on the screen once again.

“So?”

Rin didn’t have to say anything. The bell saved her from Hyosung’s questions. The girl looked back at her mother, a cheeky grin was on her face.

Hyosung said nothing as she watched her only daughter opened the house’s front door. She followed the girl’s steps to the front gate, her eyes were fixed on Rin’s figure.

Even from ten steps far, Hyosung knew how happy Rin was. Her only daughter’s happiness radiated through her entire body.

“Mom!” Rin called from the gate.

Hyosung nodded towards Rin as she fastened her pace. She could see Rin’s so-called boyfriend’s appearance. What stood out the most was his square glasses. Then, she slowly could see him clearly. He was skinny with thick lips and his shoulder length black hair was tied back. By his appearance, Hyosung wasn’t sure if he was at the same age with Rin, he was probably a few years older than her.

It took her a moment to realize who the guy was.  

“So, when you said ‘Lee’, it means Lee Kikwang’s son?” Hyosung threw the question quietly.

Rin blushed as she nodded. The young guy had bowed next to her upon seeing Hyosung.

“Ah… I see,” Hyosung mumbled to herself.

“Mom, we’re going,” Rin said happily as she tugged the guy’s sleeve.

“I’ll bring her back before dark, Aunty,” The guy told her as he bowed once again.

Hyosung nodded. Her head was suddenly full of images she had tried to block earlier. That particular name had way too much memory for her. Lee Kikwang. Never once Hyosung could imagine her daughter to be in his son’s charm. Was it a curse for her family to be linked to Kikwang once in their life?!

Then, still standing in front of the gate, the memory of her past with Kikwang flooded her head.

 

***

 

“You look pretty.”

The sudden interruption surprised Hyosung. She had been busy with her phone when the man greeted her. Hyosung felt her body warmed as she saw who was standing before her.

“You’re late,” Hyosung said instantly when her eyes met his.

She wanted to smile to welcome him but betrayed her. Probably because she didn’t want him to know how desperate she was to see him. To, at least, see his face so closely. It hadn’t been long since their last meeting but Hyosung just had to whine to meet him despite their busy schedules. Surprisingly, he didn’t refuse her invitation.

“Jun Hyosung, is that what you really want to tell me?” He grinned cockily.

Hyosung pouted. He knew her resistance way too well by now. He looked at her in amusement as he pulled the chair across her to sit.

“Lee Kikwang, I’ve been waiting for thirty minutes,” Hyosung casually told him, still not giving up her mask.

Kikwang’s laughter filled her ears. She watched as his eyes became a straight line, his lips were pulled tight in a wide smile. But, it was his hands that caught her off guard. He had reached to her hands and caressed her backhands.

“I’m sorry,” He told her softly.

Hyosung waited for him to continue with any excuses but he didn’t say anything afterward. He kept looking at her and his fingers still rubbed her backhands with his thumbs. Hyosung blushed. This was not what she had expected when she blurted out earlier.

“So, what do you want to do today?” He asked her as he pulled off one of his hands.

Hyosung couldn’t focus on what he said. She had been too focusing on his relaxed right hand that touched her fingers.

“Jun Hyosung,” He called her again.

This time, Hyosung had to pull her attention off the small skinship they were doing and focused on him. It didn’t take long for her to realize he had realized where her attention was. Kikwang was smirking as Hyosung felt his fingers played with hers.

Hyosung wanted to bury herself alive when she understood what he was doing.

“I don’t know. I just… miss you. It was unbearable yesterday,” She mumbled unsurely.

Her eyes looked into his eyes. She wondered if what she said had flickered something in him. And it did. She could see how his eyes flickered with excitement when she opened herself that bluntly.

“Want to watch some movies?” He asked, almost sounded unsure.

“Some?” She asked back, confused.

“Yeah… At my house?” He said, this time his cheeks betrayed him and burnt in red.

Hyosung drank the image and moment thirstily. She knew someday she would need this. Yes, it was her who would need this, not both of them. Maybe one day, when there was nothing else she could hold on to. The thought hit her hard and fast. This was a chance that came in front of her door, a time to spend with the two of them only. What else could she wish for?

“Okay,” Hyosung answered, almost unheard of.

Kikwang smiled happily. Hyosung wasted no time to spend her drink and Kikwang said nothing as he watched her.

Both of them knew it wasn’t safe to stay too long in one place. They were at the peak of their career, they couldn’t afford to lose their career for something as stupid as dating scandal. He had witnessed a ridiculous effect that could happen when a dating scandal revealed. Or so Kikwang thought. On the other hand, Hyosung knew she was afraid of dating scandals, but it had never been stuck to her as something stupid. It was just natural. She didn’t mind to have one if she was really sure of that relationship, something like what she had with Kikwang right now.

Once Hyosung finished her drink, they eyed each other. Hyosung silently wondered if she had to stand up first or to let Kikwang guide her. She preferred the first option to the second. It was just embarrassing if she had to stand up first before a guy who would lead her to his house.

“Shall we go now?” Kikwang asked, almost like he had read her mind.

Hyosung gave a little “yeah” as her reply before following him to leave the small café. Maybe it was just her mind playing with her but, she somehow wanted to believe that Kikwang waited for her to be at a close distance with him before walking.

When they were outside, Hyosung looked around, trying to find his car. Kikwang noticed her act and understood immediately what she was doing.

“We’ll take a walk, it’s not that far,” Kikwang told her, his eyes never left her face.

Hyosung gasped in disbelief. How could this man be so brave?

“It’s okay, you’re already covering your face,” Kikwang told her, pulling her closer to him.

With their bodies glued so close, Hyosung silently wondered if Kikwang could feel her heart beating fast and nervously. The warmth of his body calmed her and when he talked, Hyosung knew she would be okay. At least for this very moment, she knew she would be just fine.

 

 

“Do you always bring your girlfriends home?” Hyosung asked, her heart wouldn’t slow down when the words finally came out.

Kikwang stopped walking towards her. His hands held his red laptop and its charger. Hyosung saw when emotions flashed through his face, wondering which emotion would dominate him upon hearing the question she had just thrown so recklessly.

When Kikwang realized Hyosung wasn’t kidding and she didn’t plan to pull the question back either, Kikwang sighed and settled himself next to her. They sat in silence for a moment in the living room, both tried to think of something to fix the situation. However, betrayed her once again when she heard her own voice talked.

“I guess I’m not the first one to come over to your place,” Hyosung stated.

She could taste the jealousy and bitterness in her words. He surprised her by giving a shrug to her question, as if he didn’t notice her bitterness.

“I do bring girls home when I’m in a relationship with them, why would I hide anything?” Kikwang answered calmly.

His eyes had somehow found hers and they held her long enough to make Hyosung knew, he wasn’t ready for anything sharper than her last question. With that realization in mind, Hyosung said nothing as she his laptop.

The silence penetrated the space between them, reminding Hyosung of their argument the last time they met. It all began when she couldn’t contain herself from asking him, just like now. She knew she had too much hope on him.

They weren’t an official couple nor people in some. The truth was, Hyosung thought their friendship had gone far from just a simple friendship and yet, he had never wanted to confirm this. He had always avoided the question and at the same time, he kept spoiling her, giving her the wrong perception of their relationship. If they weren’t in a romantic relationship where she belonged to him and vice versa, Hyosung had no idea what they really were.

Memories from their last meeting suddenly appeared vividly inside her head. Even the emotions rushed back and soaked her. Hyosung closed her eyes, letting herself to be swayed into the past.

 

 

They had been drinking for half of the night. Hyosung’s tolerance to alcohol had never been good and thus, she had held herself from gulping everything. Kikwang, on the other hand, had gulped everything down. Not even once he cared that he would pass out in her house for drinking too much.

“Slow down,” Hyosung scolded the guy.

Kikwang had opened the tenth bottle when she scolded her. It didn’t seem to bother him even just for a bit. He ignored her. This time, instead of drinking from the glass, he gulped the drink directly from the bottle. Hyosung eyed him in horror. She couldn’t understand why he was behaving like this after showing up in a bad mood in front of her house.

“Kikwang, I swear, you have to slow down,” Hyosung warned the latter.

Kikwang didn’t budge. He chuckled to her warning as he lifted the bottle to his lips once again. Hyosung was at loss for words. She had never really seen Kikwang being in this kind of situation.

“What happened, Kikwang?” Hyosung softly asked when Kikwang finally put down the bottle.

Her hand found its way to his back. His shirt was rough on her palm as she rubbed her hand up and down. Kikwang said nothing. He folded his arms and let his head to lay on them.

“Nothing,” He finally mumbled his answer.

Hyosung didn’t know why she felt weird. Maybe it was the fact that Kikwang refused to tell her what happened to him as if she was just some strangers. If it was her in the same condition, she would gladly tell him her problems. Under a heavy silence, Hyosung’s hand crept upwards to his hair. His hair was thick and soft. Hyosung loved to play with them. She them, hoping it would put Kikwang at ease.

“Are you sure?” Hyosung asked, fishing him to give a more reliable answer.

He sighed loudly. Hyosung was taken back. It had never occurred to her that he could sigh just because she asked him something.

“Do you want me to bring you home?” Hyosung softly asked this time, realizing Kikwang was very close to sleep.

This time, her question was answered immediately.

“No,” He mumbled, lifting his head from his arms.

His hair was a mess and so was his face. Hyosung noticed how red his eyes had become in a short amount of time. His thick lips were pouting in a way that made her wondering if there was anything that he wanted to tell her.

“I’ll bring the blankets out then,” Hyosung told him softly, pulling her hand from his hair.

Hyosung wasn’t sure if he was in a state of dreaming or realizing what he did when he caught her hand.

“Just stay with me,” Was all that came out from his lips.

Hyosung could hear her blood rushed from her head to everywhere. Her head was dizzy with questions and speculations. His eyes were still on hers and neither of them wanted to look away.

“I just want you to stay near me,” He stated, realizing her confusion.

Or maybe, not. As later, he broke their eye contact and let her hands go. His hands quickly grabbed the bottle once again. And when he realized he had emptied the entire bottle, he sighed. A heavy sigh. It was as if he wanted to control himself and at the same time, letting the weighs on his shoulders to go away.

“Kikwang,” Hyosung called him carefully.

Kikwang turned to her immediately. There was a wide stupid smile on his face as he raised one of his eyebrows to answer her call.

“You can’t sleep here,” Hyosung carefully explained, fully aware of how sensitive and irritated Kikwang was.

“Are you kicking me out?” Kikwang asked, his eyes widened in horror.

“No, I don’t have a guest room so you have to sleep in my room if you want to sleep. I don’t want to accompany you to sleep in this room, it’s too cold here,” Hyosung told him, her hand had somehow found his.

He let her hand resting on his backhand. Hyosung knew he was questioning himself.

“I have to clean myself, don’t I?” He softly asked.

Hyosung chuckled, “Yes, you do.”

Kikwang slowly stood up, this time, he held her hand in his. When he had fully stood up—swaying back and forth in his heels—so did Hyosung.

“Lead me the way,” He told her.

 

Hyosung had set Kikwang’s bed on the floor. She had made sure to lay extra blankets as the night would get colder even if she had the heater. When she was done, she climbed into the bed, slowly slid into the blanket. Warmth quickly engulfed her. Her eyes were heavy; alcohol had slowly made it into her nerves. She struggled to open them and stare at the door intensely.

‘Just for a second,’ She told herself.

Her patience was paid off when the door opened and Kikwang stepped into the room, still looked terrible but at least Hyosung knew he had brushed his teeth and washed his face. His clothes had been changed with one of clothes from Hyosung’s closet. She wasn’t sure who the clothes belonged to but it fit him, so she brought it out.

Kikwang questioned her in silence. Hyosung shook her head, her fingers quickly pointed on the bed she had made earlier. He nodded in understanding.

“Good night,” Hyosung whispered once he settled in the blankets.

“Good night,” Kikwang hoarsely replied.

 

 

Hyosung blinked rapidly. Her eyes were heavy and so did the bed. There had been additional weight on her side and she knew someone must be sleeping next to her. In her confusion, she caught a sight of his face next to hers, very close that she could feel his hot breath on her face.

“Kikwang,” Her voice cracked when she tried to call him.

“Kikwang,” She called once again, this time, shaking his body.

“Kikwang!” She called his name once again, shaking his body even more.

He opened his eyes slowly, but it was enough for her.

“Why are you on my bed?” Hyosung quickly asked.

Kikwang didn’t answer as he blinked his eyes and gave up when the weight on his eyes were too much for him to handle.

“Kikwang!” She exclaimed once again.

This time, it bothered him. His arm pulled her closer and he ignored her startled squeal as he mumbled his answer lowly.

“It’s cold there. Just this time, I swear.”

And for once, Hyosung gave up. She let the warmth of his body engulfed her and closed her eyes. A tiny part of her was glad Kikwang climbed to the bed.

 

 

 

Morning came faster than they expected. Hyosung’s alarm screamed noisily, forcing her to turn around and seek for her phone with closed eyes. With each scream the alarm made, Hyosung’s head became even dizzier. It was a huge relief when Hyosung successfully turned off the alarm.

What Hyosung didn’t realize in her panic state was, Kikwang had jumped off the bed to the bathroom in an attempt to avoid dirtying her bed. She only realized his disappearance when her brain had stopped pounding to her scalp.

With a lot of effort, she successfully ignored Kikwang who was being noisy inside the bathroom. Hyosung sat still, her legs were inside the blanket and her back leaned on the bed head, trying to collect what she had been doing with her life in the past 24 hours. And, most importantly, where did Kikwang stand in her life that she could be swayed so easily just like now?

A sigh escaped her lips. She knew she was going to regret the thought.

 

If she didn’t have enough regret before, Hyosung had it now. Kikwang’s eyes were set on hers and there was a deep silence between the two of them. The foods remained untouched in front of them, no one dared to touch their foods.

“Say it again?” Kikwang said—his voice was low with unsureness.

Hyosung looked straight at him, doubts whispered things in her head. Her question came out in a trembling voice upon her understanding of what he was doing.

“What are we?” The question slid off easily from her lips—it was silky and thin, ready to be broken at any time.

Kikwang moved uncomfortably on his seat. His eyes avoided hers. And, Hyosung knew. She had just made a mistake by simply asking the obvious question.

“We are… friends?” Kikwang answered carefully after a minute of silence passed by between them.

Her body froze. It wasn’t like she didn’t expect Kikwang’s answer. But, still, his statement had just destroyed her. Emptiness filled her chest, ignoring the fact that Kikwang was looking at her anxiously.

“Do friends do what we do?” Hyosung softly asked and later surprised by her own question.

Kikwang’s shocked face slapped her awake. She shouldn’t have asked him about their relationship, at all. They were comfortable in this relationship, whether they had a name for it or not. And now, why bother asking about where they were standing—when it was obvious. She had lost control over herself and the realization came way too late.

He had looked her from across the table in a way that she couldn’t describe. He said nothing to break the silence nor did he show what he was feeling on his face. Kikwang only looked at her with nothing to say. At all. Her heart and consciousness screamed at her, mocking her for what she had done. They blamed her for being too confident in what she was doing.

“No,” Kikwang’s soft voice startled her.

She should have seen it coming when he moved his lips. And yet, here she was, surprised once again at his statement. There was a long awkward silence between them, their eyes had never drifted away from each other. It was a painful moment for Hyosung to realize that they were this close and yet they had no name or surety to call this distance and relationship they were having right now. She wondered if it was right for them to be in this moment—to stare at each other while questioning each other’s choice to be in this relationship none of them knew what.

Hyosung was the first one to break away from the silence. Her right hand grabbed the spoon from the table and quietly spooned the hangover soup in front of her. Deep inside, she knew this awkwardness would pass but now, it was her job to steer it to a different path.

 

 

 

None of them knew it would lead to a week of silence. Somehow, it turned to be a battle of who would miss who. And the answer was wide open, it was her who couldn’t resist his disappearance in her life. She had wondered ever since she contacted him, was her that weak towards him? Had it been too much for her to fall this deep for him?

Hyosung watched Kikwang in silence as the memory and questions screamed their way in her memory. It bothered her a little when he calmly did his things. Why didn’t he try to ask something to her? Were men always like that even when they were in a relationship?

Hyosung heaved a heavy sigh as she looked away from him.

“What’s wrong?” Kikwang asked, his voice was somehow very close to her ears.

“Nothing,” Hyosung mumbled, afraid to look at him.

That was when she felt his hand reached her waist and pulled her closer. She didn’t try to resist as she knew it would be impossible to do so. She had longed for his touch and it was hard to say no to something she had been waiting for long.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered to her, his lips were close to her ear—tickling her.

“Why?” She mumbled her answer, there was a sudden realization of how dangerous their closeness was.

“For this,” He said slowly.

Hyosung understood what he was talking about even without his further explanation. She understood it more than anyone. It was his commitment issue and her attached heart which are the problems. This harmless relationship somehow turned into something more—he wasn’t ready for the change and he knew it better than anyone. Hyosung knew she could have just said that it was his fear—he should have faced it and marched forward with her into a relationship that consisted with the two of them. However, it would only hurt him to know that she was playing innocent amidst his hidden messages in their talks all this time.

“I can’t expect anything good from you, can I?” Hyosung asked back, her eyes refused to look at their tangled fingers and instead of looking at the walls—focusing on something that she doubted even exist on the wall.

Kikwang’s light laughter filled the air.

“You can always expect this,” Kikwang whispered.

His lips found their way to hers. A plain peck at first and it escalated quickly from there. His lips were already in her tongue’s reach—it was hard to resist to taste his lips—when he turned her around. Kikwang had easily been on top of her, their eyes shut close as their tongues explored each other’s caves.

Hyosung knew this wouldn’t end up as what she wanted to be. There was no way this relationship could go more than just this—a source to wash away his thirst. With the realization embed deep in her heart, Hyosung let Kikwang went wilder on her. She had lost the fight—there was no more chance for her to question what their relationship they were doing.

"Let's not fall in love," He whispered to her-- slow and sure.

***

 

“I hope you are not in a relationship that doesn’t go nowhere?”

Hyosung’s question didn’t go unnoticed by Rin. The three of them were sitting in the living room—watching the television, or more like Rin was forced to sit to watch the television with Hyosung and Rin’s father. The question made Rin looked up from her phone and staring confusedly at Hyosung.

Rin could see how her father slowly adverted his gaze to her—questioning silently what was going on.

“She is dating Kikwang’s son,” The short explanation from Hyosung was enough to make the man stiffed on his seat.

“So what? We have known uncle Kikwang since forever. Why aren’t you happy that I date his son instead of other strangers?” Rin said, watching as her parents had refused to look away from the screen.

The way her father moved away from her mother raised her curiosity even more. This kind of things only happened whenever her mother was too dangerous to be calmed down. Her father was way too afraid of her mother when she had lost control over some things in her life that her father didn’t take a part in.

“Kikwang was…. Or is? A selfish man. You should be careful with his son, I don’t know who he takes on. His mother or that selfish father of his. We know their family not because Kikwang is a good friend of me or something, that wife of his is just too nice,” Hyosung mumbled out her answer.

Rin was going to ask more when she saw her father shook his head and told her to stay silent. She watched as he brought Hyosung to his embrace and whispered things she couldn’t hear. But, it sure brought a smile back on her mother’s face.

“I know. That is why I love you,” Hyosung said to the man next to him—a laugh escaped her lips.  

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