Episode 6:

Pleasure and Pain

(TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of ual abuse, addiction and accusations of . I have done my best to represent some very heavy dark subject matter in a way that is both sensitive and realistic.)

SeugHyun was one hundred percent sure that that was not the time to point out that had also not had with Seungri that month...or ever...in fact, the idea rather repulsed him. He reminded himself at least four times in that one minute that now was not the time to be snarky or crack jokes. Unsurprisingly the tall baker was left feeling very without his sarcastic armor to shield him, but this wasn’t about him. This was about the anger he could feel rolling off of JiYong in violent waves. It was suffocating, and terrifying.

Seungri made a point of mentioning in that moment that Onew was not the only person he was ‘screwing,’ because that made everyone forgive him…Oh Seungri. That was a poor life choice.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Key snapped, “Who the hell do you think you are?” Like he was caught and couldn’t think of what else to say. His pristine skin was blotched red in a rage and he slicked a hand through his yellow-blond hair before adding. “If you think for one minute that you weren’t taking advantage of him you are dead wrong, and you’re lucky I’m not calling the police.

Ri for his part actually looked a little hurt, “I didn’t do anything he didn’t consent to,” the older replied with a pointed sort of hiss. “I would never intentionally hurt someone like that.”

“Anyone but me?” Ji offered, clenching and unclenching his fists at his side. He launched into a stream of angry swears and accusations that sounded more like a warpath than an argument.

Twenty-four years. He had been Ji’s self proclaimed best friend for twenty-four years.  More than two decades, almost a quarter of a century. Twenty-four freaking years and he had never seen the younger man explode like this. Never in his life had he imagined JiYong angry enough to scream expletives with raging tears streaking down his cheeks.

He had seen Ji cry before, from stress, from sadness, from frustration, but never from outright rage. For once in his life SeugHyun had no idea what kind of comfort to offer. The only things that crossed his mind were the things that he shouldn’t do. And for that he could feel his heart breaking in his chest.

“I hate you more than I have ever hated anything in my entire life,” Ji seethed. His tone was so angry it was flat, hissing out between clenched teeth, “How could you do this to me?”

The cup of coffee Seungri had been holding wasn’t dropped it was thrown, smashed on the ground with an angry scream as the glass split into dusty fine pieces. “Who the hell said I wanted to be tied down to just you?” he spat with a venom that was clearly distracted and not as angry as the youngest wanted it to be.

“Then you should have just left.” Ji ground out, gritting his teeth, “And saved me eight years of agony.” That was both fair and unfair. “Why did you even bother to stay?”

“Because I loved you,” the barista admitted more as a malicious knife to the back than an explanation.

“Well I’m glad its in the past then,” Ji sneered, “It means you can pack your—” The door rang out comically over the next string of curse words and SeugHyun turned to find a very uncomfortable N and Leo staring wide eyed into the scene.

 “I want you and your damn things, and your damn boyfriends out of my apartment, today,” Ji continued. “You are so…so unbelievably selfish Lee SeugHyun and I deserve better.”

“Why don’t you just fire me and be done with it?” Seungri shot back stepping forward into JiYong’s personal space.

“Don’t trample on what little grace I have left for you Seungri, ” Ji snapped, “I will fire you if you don’t start showing up for work on time.” How very like Ji to throw a bone to the dog that bit him.

The younger was taken aback, the hard lines on his face faltered, “Where do you expect me to live?” he growled, his eyes lighting up with some kind of weird desperation, like he was expecting Ji to say ‘I’m sorry’ and tell him not to move out.

“Honestly, I don’t care,” Ji sighed, “I really don’t. Not even a little bit. I’m done this time Seungri and you need to get out of my home. Go live with your boyfriend.”

SeugHyun had the strange urge to ask ‘which one’ as the anger began to fizzle and dissipate, as anger does. A strange mixture of sorrow and exhausted relief pressed through the air, but rage would overtake it again, the blue haired baker had no doubt about that. If there was one thing that Seungri and Ji knew how to do, it was push each other over emotional cliffs. It was a long established cycle of abuse that had been the axel for the revolving door that was their relationship. This was what Ji-Ri did.

“We were friends before this mess,” JiYong offered, “And I will hope that we can be friends again someday, but right now, you need to move out.”

Key sank back in with “You should fire him,” and cursed under his breath where Onew remained uncomfortably silent but for the occational sob that shocked through his body.

“Friends?” Seungri hissed, eyes narrowing, “When have we ever been friends?” there it was, the re-ignition.  “Kwon JiYong, when have I ever been enough for you? But then again, you were never enough for me either were you?

“You’re the only man that I have ever loved Seungri, you know that,” Ji countered, and boy was that ever a mistake.

“Just because I’m the only person you ever had with,” Seungri screamed, his voice cracked like a preteen boy, loud and high and raw, “Doesn’t mean that you ever loved me.”

“Oh is that your excuse for cheating on me,” Ji chuckled, throwing his arms up in defeat.

“You know, at least Ken,” Seungri sighed, shoving at the younger baker’s shoulders harshly, “at least Ken never makes me feel guilty about having his attention. With you it always felt like you would rather bake your precious cinnamon rolls than spend time with me.”

Key mouthed the name Ken silently with a question mark at the end and N’s face went dark maroon.

“And you know what, even if there wasn’t an emotional attachment at least the others can keep up with me. Even Jinki,” Seungri continued, “God bless him. Drunk out of his mind he was better in bed than you are. And he was a damn the first time. Not even eight years with me could fix you, and it’s not for lack of effort.”

That was the lowest blow that anyone in the room could have come up with. Onew was so pale he looked like he might vomit, or pass out, or both. No one seemed to notice him, swaying uncomfortably in the middle of the room until he tugged gently on Key’s sleeve and asked, “Can we please please go now?” he whispered softly, chewing on the corner of his lip, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Look at what you’ve done,” Key shouted instead, and poor Jinki flinched, “Do you see all of the people you’ve hurt?”

“It’s not my fault you didn’t have the balls to tell him you loved him before he came to me looking for a good time,” Seungri hissed, “I didn’t do anything he didn’t ask me for.”

“You him,” Key said, “You got drunk with him and you him.” That word hung in the air like a lead balloon, crashing to the floor and spewing noxious gas all over everyone standing nearby. “Does he honestly look okay to you? Really?”

Seungri opened his mouth, and then he closed it and then tears pricked at the corners of his eyes as he turned to the younger man. He tried so hard to fix up his resolve that it pulled tight on his face and broke down in a half-screaming sob that choked off his words, “How many,” he kept trying to breath without crying but he failed miserably, “How many times do I have to tell you that I was drunk too.” He breathed in sharply and tried to steady himself on the counter, “I was so freaking drunk I missed work the next day. I barely remember anything.”

The bitterness in Key’s eyes didn’t subside even a little bit, “I don’t believe you.” He snapped, “I don’t believe you at all.”

With tear filled eyes and a voice so wrecked it rattled against the old floorboards, “Please just stop,” Onew begged, “Stop speaking for me. This isn’t fair.” The hurt was so clear in his eyes that it dripped out his mouth at the end of his sentence. Instead of facing Seungri or Key, he looked with sad eyes to the orange haired frosting maker and said with so much conviction it cut through all of the arrogance and anger in the room, “I am so sorry JiYong. I didn’t mean for this to happen. This is my fault.”

But it wasn’t.

It wasn’t his fault.

Technically, if there was really that much alcohol involved it couldn’t be anyone’s fault. The law that way.

“I think…” Leo offered from the door in stuttering hesitation, “that maybe we should call the police?”

Everyone held their collective breaths in the silence and waited for something, anything, some shift in the air to take back the words that had been spilled out like blood soaking into their shoes. The weight of the world settled heavy on SeugHyun’s shoulders and he breathed out a sigh and tried not to scream out his frustration. This wasn’t about him; this was about the mess Seungri had made.

JiYong ran a hand through his hair and sighed, “What a mess,” he offered.

In a hail of trampled footsteps that came tumbling down the stairs Daesung emerged in his pajamas with soaking wet hair dripping down onto a white T-shirt that was two sizes too big for him, “What on earth is going on down here?” he pressed out breathily, as he had clearly come running from the shower half-rinsed and terrified by the shouting.

The explanation of what had been going on came in a long ramble during which Dae only opened his tight lipped frown to say “We are closing for the day now,” with such conviction that no one had the opportunity to question him. 

 As Ji locked the door and flipped the open sign over, scribbling a quick note that for personal reasons that would be closed early and taped it to the door. SeugHyun helped N and Leo pull some chairs into the lobby.

“What are you even still doing here?” Dae asked.

Leo shrugged dismissively, “I really just wanted coffee.”

 And N offered, “We were here for coffee. We stayed because JaeHwan…Ken, rather, is my ex-brother-in-law. I’m sort of responsible for him.”

Dae managed to get a hug out of both of them before they left with free coffee in to-go cups. Leo had been stiff but oddly willing to embrace him even offering a concerned smile as the two shuffled out the door, “Sorry for the mess,” HakYeon sighed, “I’ll take care of my sister’s ex-idiot. ”

Ji let them back out the door with a sad smile and watched them walk across the street and down the way a little ways, holding hands tightly—like their lives depended on it.

SeugHyun sat himself down on the blue love seat that N had dragged in, it was admittedly one of his favorites, but it wasn’t their usual faire for a ‘family meeting.’ He supposed this wasn’t a normal meeting either.

“Do you want me to go?” He managed to ask, as Dae, being the mother hen at the moment, paced awkwardly between Seungri who was sat at a high backed red velvet armchair and OnKey who were side by side, looking stiff as creaky old doors on the matching low backed orange chairs from the mint- green room. Yes, OnKey, he was going to call them that. His snarky inner monologue was going to keep him afloat through this.

Dae sighed, “I’d prefer if you stayed. I might need you for moral support.” That made him a mediator…that was exactly what he had feared. The eldest baker could not, in fact, say that he was unbiased in this matter.

“Should we draw the blinds?” Ji asked as he walked back over.

“What’s the point?” Seungri sighed, “Everyone will know by the end of tomorrow anyway.”

“You didn’t seem terribly worried about appearances when Ken was in my bed with you this morning,” Ji poked, “Why worry about them now.”

Dae fumed, streaking a hand through his damp honey blond hair, “Shut up and sit down Ji,” Dae ordered, “You’re both bad for business right now.”

With all of the finesse of a chastised four year old he flopped down on the seat next SeugHyun and crossed his arms. JiYong was nothing if not professional most days. The younger man made a point of being professional but right then, in that moment, he was a hurt man with ten years of wreckage and abuse to come to terms with.

SeugHyun felt utterly selfish f and perhaps completely self-indulgent for slipping an arm around his dear friend’s shoulders, so selfish that he nearly flinched when Ji leaned into him. Selfish because Ji was broken and he was taking advantage of that the way Seungri had done countless times. Honestly, he almost gagged at himself but he shrugged it off and told himself it was to be supportive of Ji. This was not to a self-indulgence of his schoolboy crush it was a comfort to friend that he cared about very much.

Dae sighed again, shook his head, “You people are unbelievable sometimes,” he muttered under his breath.

The eldest took this as his chance to jump in, “Why don’t we start with exactly what happened?” he asked, smoothing his palm across JiYong’s back as the younger tensed.

“I’ll tell you what happened,” Key shouted only to be shut down very quickly.

“Were you there?” Dae asked, “Were you there when this happened?”

“No,” Key sassed, “but…”

“No buts,” Dae hissed, slipping into the only remaining open seat, his favorite brown leather wingback, “If you weren’t there we don’t need your opinions right now.”

“Thank you,” Onew sighed, for which he received an incredible death glare from his blond companion.

“So,” Dae sighed, “What happened?”

Ji opened his mouth but closed it again after a stern frown from Daesung.

“I,” Seungri began, squeezing his eyes shut, “I was at SuJu Bar, waiting for Siwon. He buys me drinks and takes me back to his places sometimes.”

An orange mop of messy hair curved into SeugHyun’s collarbone and a scoff passed through the younger bakers lips but no remarks were made.

“He stood me up,” Seungri continued, fidgeting uncharacteristically with the hem of his apron, “I was bored, Jinki was drinking alone so we sat together to be less alone.”

“JaeHwan was there,” Onew offered, “Talking about his ex-wife.”

“That turned into talking about uality,” Seungri added, “Mind you I was six shots and two beers in by then.”

“Three beers,” Jinki corrected, “And I was on my fourth martini…and two tequila shot.”

“Oh Jinki, tequila?” Key sighed. Dae shushed him.

“Ken started talking about how he thought maybe he was bi ual because he finds a lot of the guys on the block attractive but he doesn’t have anyone to ‘try it with,” Seungri continued. Everyone, literally everyone shook their heads, “I know,” he murmured, “I know. But I was drunk, and  and I knew I wasn’t going to get any at home smelling like vodka and beer.”

Ji crossed his legs out of habit and started to rub his temples.

Onew spoke up again, “I mentioned that I had been struggling with some feelings for Kibum,” he flushed and cast his gaze down on the floor, “And Seungri said he bet he could prove I was gay…we were both so drunk.” Onew lamented.

“Ji,” Seungri sighed, “You know I hate being wrong, I was wrong.”

“Don’t talk to him,” Daesung chided, “Talk to me, or talk to SeugHyun but do not talk to JiYong or Key.”

“How did you end up at his house?” SeugHyun asked, and then with a pause for thought he decided it was better to ask “Did you end up at his house?”

They both looked at the floor, stared at it like they wanted to learn its secrets and memorize the patterns in the old wood. Until finally “This is the worst part of the story,” Onew sighed rubbing the back of his own neck.

“This story gets worse?” JiYong asked, having finally found his voice again. He sounded defeated, dragged through the mud and exhausted.

“So, in our drunken logic we decided we didn’t want to go where Key was above FCC, and we couldn’t come here,” Onew explained, “For obvious reasons...”

“I have a key to Siwon’s apartment,” Seungri admitted, “for who knows what reason we decided that was our best neutral territory. It wasn’t so great when Siwon came home and asked to join.” They looked at each other with shame, with pity and with the bitter memory of fear lurking behind their eyes.

Daesung put his face down in his palms and let out a rapturous heave of frustration or anger, “I have cancer,” he said into his hands, “I have cancer and you somehow manage to cause more problems than my deformed blood cells.”

“Here is what we are going to do,” he continued, completely breezing past the utter shock of his audience. SeugHyun for his part was not terribly shocked but he was shocked that Daesung would choose to bring it out like that, “I’m going to ask you both a series of questions and you are going to answer them completely honestly okay?”

“You have what?” Seungri interrupted.

“We will talk about that later Ri,” Daesung dismissed and added, “Don’t even think about it Kwon JiYong, I see your mouth opening.”

“Now,” he proceeded, “Jinki, do you want to press charges or call the police? Because if you do, we will support you in that.”

After a short thirty seconds worth of pause that felt like eternity he said, “No, not really…” and then after some more thought he added, “An apology would be nice though, because what we did was very wrong. I felt…I feel violated, but I bet you do too.”

Seungri seemed surprised, like this had thrown him off balance some how…because no one had asked him if he had felt wronged by this unfortunate circumstance. “I…I’m sorry Jinki,” he muttered, “and Key…and Ji…and everyone else…” he mumbled.

“For?” SeugHyun prompted, for which he received the spark of a petulant sneer but the fire had gone out of the young man’s eyes.

“I’m sorry for being selfish,” he finally muttered out, “and for all of the hurt that I have caused. Now and in the past.” He threw a look at the downcast, ever-silent Ji, “and…not just because I got caught this time.”

 “How many people are you sleeping with?” Ji asked suddenly and no one had the heart to deny him that answer.

Seungri with wide eyed, sat staring at his hands as he piled them in his lap, “Regularly or altogether?”

“Both,” Ji insisted.

“Regularly, six,” the barista deflated, “not including you,” he legitimately looked like he wanted to melt into the floor and disappear like Jinki had at the start of this conversation, “and I have probably nine or ten one night stands a week,” it was like SeungHyun was watching the younger’s pride melt out through the soles of his shoes, his voice cracked, “I want to stop,” he said, “I never wanted to do this to you Ji, I loved you, I do love you, but nothing is enough for me.” A sob cracked through the room and shattered what was left of the composure that had held the forward motion of the discussion. “Nothing is ever enough and it hurts. It hurts so badly all of the time.”

He started heaving with his gasps, choked on his own tears and puffed out as many words as he could manage to garble together, “When I’m not having , I am thinking about . is all I want. I don’t even know how to be a good boyfriend anymore; and you of all people JiYong deserve a good boyfriend. You deserve a good husband.” He was a gasping blubbering mess and Key, oddly enough, was the person that rushed to his side before Ji would have to and rubbed his back while he quivered and his tears soaked the floor at his feet, “You deserve a loving husband and some snot nosed kids. I’m not the one for that.”

“I think,” key sighed softly, “You need to go to rehab kiddo.”

“I’m older than you,” Seungri joked lamely between sobs. The tears burning trials down his face were clear as day in the lighting and they buried themselves in SeugHyun’s heart in a way that he hadn’t ever experienced with the barista. They shared a first name, and a love of JiYong but they hadn’t had many similarities other than that and yet somehow he could relate.

Nicotine, not , had been his vice.

“Rehab sounds like the place to be,” YoungBae’s voice offered from the hallway to upstairs. He offered his hand out like a lifeline as he walked forward and supported the stumbling weight of their youngest employee when he nearly toppled over, “Come on kid, lets go pack you a bag,” he offered reassuringly.

Key took Seungri’s seat then, “I’ve run out of anger,” he said, slouching into the comfort of the beast of a furnishing. “I’m spent.”

“Are you okay Jinki?” SeugHyun felt inclined to ask.

“I think I need therapy…” Jinki said, and while it wasn’t a funny thing to say, it was also a very funny thing to say.

JiYong was the one who broke out laughing. It rolled through his so hard he doubled over and apologized, over and over again. “I’m so sorry, that’s not funny, that’s not funny” he repeated ‘that’s not funny’ until it turned into a bitter scream of frustration because as it turned out, nothing was funny in that moment. Nothing was funny at all and clearly everything hurt.

The leader kicked his feet up on the love seat. SeugHyun bit his tongue, fighting the urge to tell him to take his shoes of the furniture. Instead he just rested his hands across JiYong’s back and shoulders and the younger rolled his head into the taller baker’s lap throwing his arms over his face. Inevitably it turned into a sob. A violent sob that shot through all of his nerve endings and left his small body heaving, and failing as he tried to breathe out his mouth instead of his nose with his face covered.

Daesung pulled his phone out of his pajama pants pocket when it buzzed and mouthed, ‘Twenty minutes.’ On queue SeugHyun heard the pipes above them scream to life as hot water started to pour through them.

With a sigh he soothed his best friend, his business partner, his strong leader as softly as he could manage. For once, with tenderness rather than humor, Ji’s sticky, gelled hair and telling him “It’s all going to work out for the better, you’ll see.” He took the lack of response as a good thing and waved good bye to Onew and Key as Dae shifted to let them out.

“I’m really sorry about all of this,” Jinki offered one last time.

“Stop apologizing,” Dae shushed in a whisper, “And take care of yourself. Also, I put in your fondant order for the week after next.”

The door bell rang, the visitors left, and JiYong was left shattered, into tiny, unmatched pieces in his lap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, this pretty much broke my heart a thousand times over. I wrote it in one sitting because I knew I would avoid it completely if I didn't. I know it's dark, and I promise you that I did not start this fic with angst in mind but I wander where the characters lead me and apparently it has to get worse before it can get better. I did my best to represent the subject matter in a way that was painfully realistic because it is painfully personal to me and my family.

As always, thank you so much for reading, you wonderful people and your support mean the world to me. If you like it (or if you hate it) pretty please leave a comment. Comments are literally what keep me going. 

With love,

RFL

(I'm not kidding, the more comments I get, the more motivated I am to work on this monster of a project, so please, please, please comment.)