"You won't believe how much of a narcissist he used to be," she exclaimed. I watched as she chugged the beer in one go. Her beautiful face blurred behind the beer mug. "Remember?! Summer festival. Sophomore year." She talked to the whole table this time, as if examining if they, too, remember. "There were so many girls trying to get his attention! I thought he didn't mind them but then suddenly..." she asked for a refill... "he sighed loudly, 'I'm too good-looking!'" Chanyeol's high school friends laughed reminiscingly like they all attested to her claim. 

Chanyeol laughed genuinely beside me as if he wasn't at the receiving end of the joke. "Are you okay with me being narcissistic? Narcissus was a good-looking guy, wasn't he?" I smiled back at him amazed at his confidence.

"Aish! You're an , Chanyeol," she jokingly reacted at our conversation. "Always wrapping pretty girls around your finger!" She then addressed me, "be careful around him, okay?"

"Don't pretend like you aren't jealous, Nina," Baekhyun called out from the far end of the table and started laughing.

Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun with murderous eyes. When he realized I was looking at him, he immediately smiled.

__________

I pretended to be knocked out from the alcohol the whole ride home. Chanyeol doesn't buy it. I know he doesn't. He knows I didn't drink even a sip. But he has decided to feign ignorance. Meanwhile, my thoughts are racing. What did Baekhun mean by that? Why would he say that? Was he joking? No... Baekhyun is extremely honest when he's drunk. Every answer I thought of took its toll on me that I really did fall asleep. 

The sound of Chanyeol's voice woke me up. "WHA-.." A woman was talking to him on the phone. He looked exasperated. "Omma, jinjja! I'm fully aware of that... What? I don't have to!...ugh, fine, yes. I promise not to have in-" He stopped when he realized I'm awake. "-not to do... naughty things while I'm in the house... ugh seriously, Omma. You should trust me more.... Okay.. good night. Love you, too. Tell appa that too.... Sure, bye."

He immediately turned to me. His eyes were bright and excited despite having only a dim yellow light open in the car. "You're awake!" Does he not realize he just mentioned in front of me? 

"No , Sherlock." I looked around. The parking lot was unfamiliar. It wasn't his apartment's nor mine. "Where are we?" 

He scratched the back of his head. "My parents' place. I was getting sleepy so I couldn't drive farther. I hope that's okay," he said sheepishly. "Don't worry. My folks said it's alright. Plus, they're in Jeju right now with noona. Won't be back 'til Sunday." 

__________

"So which one's yours?" I asked. Chanyeol automatically pointed at the farthest door in the hall like it's his second nature. 

Just as quickly, he ran past me and blocked the entrance. "I'm warning you though," he said. "There'll be dust and cockroaches and everything an obsessive-compulsive cleaner like you can't handle."

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that genuine concern or are you just afraid that I'll find out all your teenage secrets?"

He thought it through for a second then held both his hands up in surrender. "All I'm saying is that I haven't been here since last Chuseok so it will be dusty. Just looking out for you, you know? Hope you brought your allergy medicine." He comes closer and stares at me lovingly. 

__________

I hated him for being so... him. Like his fans say, Chanyeol's perfect. Not physically. He's way too tall. His knees are slightly bent at an awkward angle. Baekhyun would for having rough hands. He also gets pimples. And, of course, his pointy ears.

I am aware of all his physical imperfections. But I never even bothered to notice them in a negative light. For four years, all I saw the funny, kind, stubborn and thoughtful Chanyeol who'd take note of all the little details like being allergic to dust or being an obsessive-compulsive cleaner. For the latter two years, all I've done was love all of him. And for the rest of my life, I am going to be thanking God that, by some miracle, Chanyeol loves me back.

"Here!" I snapped and threw him a chunky, faded pink notebook. He didn't utter a single word in reply. Instead, Chanyeol's eyes were filled with confusion then something else. A look I haven't seen before. Maybe I have but never this genuine, never this true. I think that was the look of understanding. He opened the notebook. The letters I never sent fell on the floor. He didn't mind them yet. He was already focused on the last page. The page where I started writing the first entry. "April 18, 20XX. Dear Diary... Today, I let it out. I frowned. I stared blankly. I didn't hide that I was so unbelievably upset. But they still didn't see...." I merely stared at him as he read for hours. When he finished, he handed over my diary gently and quietly left my dorm.

I'm crazy, I thought to myself that day. I only knew him as a famous sunbae in the university until he decided to be 'friends' with me, practically a nobody, a few months before. He wanted to know everything. Why I didn't trust him, why I was always calculating how to act in front of people. He was so stubborn that I gave up on being hospitable and friendly and just made him read everything I kept secret. 

A year after that day, he'd succeeded in knowing why. Slowly, he was able to take down my walls. I don't know how he did it- how he got rid of all my insecurities, of all my issues. Chanyeol captured me from a state of mere existence and introduced me to the world of living. 

__________

He clears the way and guides me from behind. 

Chanyeol's room was huge. The walls were bluish-gray. Every so often, there'll be a rectangular stain lighter in color than the rest- remnants of old posters perhaps. A small flat-screen seems to have just been fixed to the wall in front of his bed recently. There was more than enough floor area left despite the twin-size bed, bed-side tables, a broken down drum set, a tall closet, a small studio set-up from what I presume was formerly a study table, a cabinet, and a tall book case. He's a rich kid. I get it. 

He coughs from behind. "It's late. We should sleep."

But he was right all along. Everything was covered in a visible layer of dust. I was already making the ugly about-to-sneeze face. I took out a Claritin from my purse. He noticed. "You'll need water for that," he said, taking a step out the door. "By the way, I don't expect you to sleep in those clothes, you know."

My eyes widened. "WHAT?!" I did not bring a change of clothes. He laughed so hard. 

"The twins are dying to get out from that push-up, right," he teased. For others, this might seem like a flaw but Chanyeol and I are practically at the same level when it comes to ersion. And he was right anyway. "I have some shirts left in the cabinet, probably at the top, right drawer. Get changed before I come back." He headed to the kitchen. 

I do as I'm told but I became fascinated with all the pictures he has on top of the cabinet. If I had met Chanyeol in high school, I'd fall for him too. My smile was short-lived when I remember Baekhyun's comment from earlier tonight. Nina- why would she be jealous? Jealous of me? or of the girls in that festival? Then there it was- a jar filled with 100 paper cranes. I heard the story on the radio station when EXO was a guest at some show. Chanyeol talked about his high school sweetheart who broke up with him on the phone as he was making the 70th paper crane for her. That was one of the very few times he talked about his past. Sadly, he had never told me personally any of it.

Regularly: "OPPPPPAAAAAAA!" The screams were deafening. I had to like it.These fans mean everything to Chanyeol. But in truth, I hated it. I was jealous that they could openly call him that while I had to resort to "Chanyeol-ssi" or "Mr. Park" when we're in public. 

That one time: "Channie! Stand closer to me," Moon Gayoung told Chanyeol as they were filming EXO Next Door. When he didn't, she pulled on his arms cutely. I had to watch all that happen in front of me when I visited him on set. The worst part? They looked so good together. It isn't just the height that makes it work. It made me realize that whatever I achieve, there will be girls who are better and that I'll never be good enough.

Three weeks earlier: "Is that...OMO! OMO! OMO! CHANYEOL OPPA!" They were three foreig fans, each no older than 16. They were harmless so he let them approach us. I tried to breathe steadily. We were in the middle of a date but I can't be selfish. All they wanted was some autographs, a picture or two. Then they asked, "Oppa, who is she?" The girl with the fringed hair looked directly at me. "Ah, her? She's our concept coordinator." He smiled at all of them. "Woah! So cool! Please take care of OUR Chanyeolie oppa." I knew it was an act on Chanyeol's part but it still hurt being inferior to his fans. 

Just a while ago: It was a small gathering of Chanyeol's high school friends. The surroundings felt so unfamiliar but they were so welcoming that I became quite comfortable. Then, Nina walked through the restaurant's door and sat in front of Chanyeol and I. She was drop dead gorgeous. I knew where my beauty lies and it is unfortunately only within me. Only Chanyeol has been able to see it. But Nina's beauty encompassed her own body. It's like the moment she entered her beauty overpowered the room and my insecurities overpowered me. I didn't speak as much the whole night. "You're an , Chanyeol," she said. "Always wrapping pretty girls around your finger...Be careful around him." Then Baekhyun chided, "don't pretend like you aren't jealous, Nina."  

There's nothing more honest right now than admitting that I feel like . I feel like the girl I used to be before I met Chanyeol. I stared at the jar then his entire room. This was where Chanyeol slept and breathed and lived as a teenager. This was where a Chanyeol I don't know existed. This is where Chanyeol hasn't allowed me to dwell in yet- his past. 

_________

"Sorry I took long. I also got fresh sheets for the bed," he said from the hallway. I moved away from the cabinet, from that jar. He entered. "Why haven't you changed yet?" A pout formed on his lips.

"Don't feel like sleeping yet, I guess." Even I need to convince myself that that excuse was valid. 

Chanyeol looked bewildered. "Um... okay." He sensed that something is wrong. This is why I loved him. Because he knew me. In some cases, better than I do myself. So what was different now? What did that jar do that I now look at him like I only knew what he was at present? He studied me warily. "There's The Realm of Possibility on the shelf if it helps." 

I immediately headed to the shelf, not wanting to meet his gaze or acknowledge this new, alien feeling. The book was easy to find but it was at the top most shelf. He was busy placing the new sheets on the bed so he didn't notice that I needed help. But I don't want him near me. Not now. I managed to grab the bottom half of the book and pull it out but it fell on the floor. He turned around and clicked his tongue. "Aigoo. You should've told me you couldn't reach it."

He was saying something but I couldn't hear it. It was like someone vacuumed my sense of hearing and enhanced my sense of sight. I towered above the fallen book. A photograph fell through the pages. It was Chanyeol holding a girl's hand. He smiled warily and shyly like he was still guilty of something but had been forgiven. Beside him was the jar of paper cranes but it hadn't even been half full. It must be her. Chanyeol's first love. So I wondered, not out of curiosity of what she was like, but out of desire to know what I was not. The girl was beautiful but she smiled flatly. One could tell she was tired but something made it seem like she didn't try hard enough or that she didn't love hard enough. That girl was Nina. 

I picked the picture up once my senses went back to normal although my breathing was still heavy. He panicked. The look on my face must have given every damn emotion I'm feeling right now.

He made his way beside me and as if he knew I needed reassurance, he said, "it's nothing now."

"But was it everything then?" I snapped. He didn't deserve this. After all, all he has ever been to me is a loving boyfriend. But now all I wish is to open my faded pink diary and write how this time, with him, along with the others, wasn't any different. They all brought pain.  He looked at me deliriously. "Why didn't you tell me it was Nina? No... Why have you never told me any of it?" 

"Any of what?" He asked cautiously. I hated being like this. I hated being an analytical . I thought I got rid of this side of me. No. He was the one who got rid of this insecure version of myself. Again, I knew he didn't deserve this but the thought of not knowing, of remaining oblivious to his past, is something I can no longer stand.

"Your past, Chanyeol." We had fought like this before during the first few months of our relationship. I argued and I argued and I always won. He would always give in. When I realized I was being a freak and more importantly, that I was hurting him, I stopped. "Why didn't you tell me Nina was your first love?"

He could tell I was breaking but he must be so tired that he didn't want to hear more of this. "I told already. It doesn't matter. Would you have treated her differently today if you knew?"

Would I? I don't know. But I didn't say this. All I'm thinking right now is that the love of my life is someone I only half know. I've always thought it was stupid when people say that the past doesn't matter. Whoever you are now is a result of your past. So it does. It matters greatly. It's not like I won't accept anymore if I knew. But looking at the situation now, I wondered why he didn't even warn me. 

"I don't know. Would you have liked it if I suddenly invited my ex-boyfriend to have dinner with us with you not knowing who he was?"

He's had it. "No. I mean yes- what?" He suddenly remembered. "Wait... you have never even had an ex-boyfriend!" 

"And how do you know that?"

"Because you made me read your diary!" 

"Exactly! You know my past, Chanyeol! I'm losing my mind right now wondering why I still don't know yours!" Tears formed around my eyes.

"You were testing me?! After two years, you still can't trust me? Do I... no.. Is 'us'- this relationship... is it all just a joke to you?" He looked at me with wild eyes. I know I've overstepped my boundary. Chanyeol wasn't angry but he's beyond shocked. He ran his fingers through his hair, probably trying to assess how the situation became this heated. He sighed. "It was a mistake bringing you here."

And the tears fell. Why wasn't he ready to tell me? All he had to do was tell me stories for the rest of the night, whether they be pleasant or not. "You're right," I said, my voice breaking. "It's a huge mistake." 

I bolted out of his room not daring to look at his expression. Thankfully, the keys were on the dining table and I didn't have to waste time looking for them. I couldn't even hear his footsteps. He wasn't following me? He's not even going to stop me? Was he too stunned? At what? My immaturity? God! I know this is bad. I was risking something so important to me. But every second I spent in that room made me feel more distant to him. 

2:38 AM. The lone car on the street was mine. No. The car was 'ours'. The Lexus was number one on our list. Second was an apartment. But it looks like our plans are on hold. I couldn't hold my tears back from that thought- the thought of never finishing our list, the thought of not being his later today. All of it was scary. But right now, I feel more scared of the fact that Chanyeol is hiding something from me. 

The tears were clouding my vision. I reached for my purse only to find out that I left it at his house. I must've been a town's infamous idiot in my past life because I just made U-Turn back to the house. 

_________

All the lights were out. I can't believe he fell asleep with us still fighting. I unceremoniously rang the door bell, unable to call him with my phone in my purse. 

The ring was picked up by the system right away but we both didn't say anything. 

He unlocked the front door. Chanyeol looked liked he'd already calmed down.

"I-I... left my purse. I'll just get it and go."

"No. Let's not end today like this... Come inside, please." He looks tired and hurt and pleading. I'm regretting all that I've said to him not because I want to let this issue just pass but because, as much as I don't like getting hurt, seeing him in pain hurts me more. I stopped in front of the dining table. There were two cans of beer on top of it which made me feel guiltier. 

Chanyeol hugged me from behind. "Please...don't ever scare me like that...ever." His arms were heavy around me. Have we both been so scared at the thought of separating that we gave up our anger? I turned to face him and hugged him so tightly. He lay his head at the crook of my neck. He smelled like beer which I hated but it made everything seem more desperate to work out. 

"It's my fault. I'll be better," I promised him. We said our apologies in a hushed tone. 

He had barely lifted his head when he suddenly kissed me. His lips were salty and raw like he had been biting on them for a while. I didn't even notice he was crying. My insides were twisting. My heart felt like it was about to self-destruct. Chanyeol has always had this effect on me. Each time felt like the first. He took hold of my thighs and hoisted me up. He broke the kiss and stared at me with glassy eyes. "Give me this chance... to tell you everything."

__________

He carried me to his room. Shards of glass were scattered on the floor along with 100 paper cranes. Guilt engulfed me again. I left him at the mercy of his jumbled feelings. Chanyeol and I were on his bed now, facing each other. His bangs covered his eyes. He didn't look up. The room became cold. 

"I'm sorry... for not telling you. Just listen to me first... don't say anything before I finish because I don't think I can handle saying these things slowly...it was wrong of me to not warn you.... I intentionally didn't tell you about her or my past because...well.. it all led to her. The band I was in?...she waited until I finished practice. The pets I had?... she hated all of them....Nina and I...we were each other's first love. Our love was so fragile and our break up was inevitable but it still broke my heart for years. We had too much history. But that wasn't why I didn't tell you.... I know you would've accepted any part of me whether it was good or bad....but the truth is... I was too ashamed to tell you...that.. I- I gave Nina something that I wasn't supposed to, something that I should've reserved for you... I- I lost my ity to Nina... It's my biggest regret because I wouldn't be able to give justice to you on our honeymoon... I was so scared thinking that you'd want to leave me when you find out, that you'd think I didn't deserve you... I'm sorry. I was a stupid teenager back then... no. Nevermind.... I don't want to give you excuses. What's done is done..."

Chanyeol's tears were silent. My heart felt like it cracked a little. It hurt, yes. It was something I wish he could've given only to me. But I felt surprisingly calm. Not completely but more than enough to realize that it had taken him a lot of courage to say that especially since I've made it a point, even during the early days of our relationship, that I want to remain pure until our honeymoon. At this moment, I found out that whoever I face, as long as I'm with Chanyeol, I don't have to be insecure and jealous, that I'd rather live with the all the things he had said than live without him, that I was madly and hopelessly in love with him.

I slapped him. He looked up and I was finally able to see his eyes. " you, Park Chanyeol! you!.... Just... what do you take me for?!" His eyes told me everything- that he was scared out of his wits, that he was hurting so much, that he was clinging on to some final hope. "Chanyeol... do you think I don't love you enough? You thought I would leave you just because you had with Nina before me? I never thought you looked down on me that much!" 

He was suddenly on top of me. His head once again found its place on the crook my neck. His arms tightly embraced me. This time his tears were more visible, his sobbing more audible. His pain which had made the room cold now dissipated. He was lightly chuckling while crying, like he found some weird, masochistic humor in all this.

"You..." His voice was muffled. His lips made contact with my skin as he spoke. " you too, Moon Dana," he said in between his sobs. "." He tried his best to stop his sobs and kissed me on the lips tenderly. "I ing love you."

"I ing love you too."