1^st session

Sehun sighed deeply as he stepped inside of this actually, a pretty nice looking reception, considering the fact that it was mostly visited by people who are somehow mentally broken. The reason why Sehun arrived to this certain reception is that her mom suddenly got worried about having to live a life without grandchildren. “You’re 21 years old! Does it make sense that you have never even dated? It’s not normal. I know a therapist my friend had her daughter go to-“, and so on. So that’s how Sehun ended up waiting for his turn to get his mental state analyzed by a stranger. At the time he wanted to scream, “Of course it’s not ing normal!” at her mom, thinking about everything he’s been through in the 21 years he’s lived so far. But he decided not to break her mother’s heart and just go with the therapy. Before leaving his son there his mother kindly left with words: “I don’t believe you’re crazy you know that right? Therapy is for your aid to realize what you need to work on. You’re not crazy, ok sweetheart?” honestly Sehun wasn’t sure if she was telling that to him or herself. But he pushed that thought away.

Sehun sat down on one of the couches in the reception. Or should he say waiting room since there was no desk, no secretary no nothing that would make it a reception. Instead, there were couches in pleasant colours. Walls were painted a nice tame color and the paintings on the walls made Sehun snort. He guessed that the pictures of oceans and forests were there to make the patients calm their nerves. Sehun on the other hand was not nervous. He was mostly annoyed. He was pretty sure he knew what was wrong with him and what made him dread commitment so much. It was not like Sehun was completely innocent or didn’t have any experience. He had kissed before, he had gone to dates and hell he wasn’t even a . The only thing Sehun was unexperienced in was love. Sehun thought he was actually incapable of such feeling. And because of that he had ended up hurting a nice amount of people he never actually wanted to hurt. It was just- The door to his left opening snapped Sehun out of his thoughts. “Mr Oh?” A deep voice called his name. “Yeah that’s me”, Sehun muttered and rose to bow at the person. When Sehun straightened himself, he swore he almost choked on his own saliva. The person standing before him was almost unbelievably handsome. With a nicely styled deep brown hair and a bronzy brownish skin, from head to toe gorgeous. Sehun cleared his throat as the man smiled a kind smile. “Come in then”, the man said and Sehun obliged. The man pointed at a chair in front of a desk (And no it was not a chair you lie down, much to Sehun’s disappointment). Sehun sat down and made sure his face showed the uninterest he had felt before. The man sat down opposite Sehun behind the desk and went through some files before setting them down and looking up at Sehun. He smiled again and Sehun swallowed. “So, Mr Oh-“, “Sehun. Just say Sehun, this feels a bit too much like a job interview right now”, Sehun said and the man chuckled. “Sorry about that Sehun”, Sehun kind of liked the way he said his name. “My name is Kim Jongin. But since we’re on first name bases already, just call me Jongin ok?” Sehun nodded. “Is this your first time in therapy?” Jongin asked keeping his eyes on Sehun, hands crossed on the desk. “Yeah. Well I mean. Mom kind of low key took me to therapy when she and dad divorced but I was like 7 and I didn’t realize it was therapy so that doesn’t count. So um yeah. First time”, Sehun swore inside of his head. It’s been, what, 5 minutes? Since the session began and Sehun already blabbered on unnecessary stuff. Sehun expected Jongin to write everything what he was saying down but he didn’t. Sehun was somewhat happy about it.

“Ok so first time, yeah? Just to let you know that here you can talk freely about anything. And somewhere on the line we’ll figure out the reasons behind your fear for commitment. Does that sound alright?” Jongin smiled and Sehun had to divert his eyes. “Wow looks like you did your homework. Look, you don’t have to make anything pretty for me, I’m not that weak. Just figure out what the is wrong with me so that I can live on without having my mom nag about marriage to me all the ing time, ok? How does THAT sound?” Something in Jongin’s eyes changed for a second but it was gone before Sehun could really read the look in his eyes. “Ok. I promise I’ll figure it out”, Jongin said. “Do you have any clues of why you might have this particular fear?” He then asked and Sehun looked at the hands on his lap. All kinds of thoughts flashed through his head but he went with “I believe I’m not able to love”. Jongin frowned a bit. “What makes you believe that?” Jongin asked and leaned back on his chair. “Well I feel all sorts of other emotions like anger, fear, frustration and I’m annoyed like 90% of the time. But love? Never”, Sehun said looking down at his lap again. Damn it why was he feeling weak in front of this stupid therapist. Something in the man opposite him made him feel very comfortable. He made him feel like no one is judging him. He didn’t treat Sehun like a crazy person which was a nice surprise. “Do you really feel annoyed 90% of the time? If I asked you how do you feel most of the time, would you answer annoyed?” Jongin asked and the look in his eyes knew, like he already knew the answer before asking the question. Sehun stayed quiet for a bit “No. I don’t feel annoyed most of the time. Most of the time I feel empty”, Sehun said and looked at Jongin straight in the eye. “Feeling annoyed would be better than not feeling a thing, right?” Sehun had to look into his lap again because looking at the other man’s eyes made him feel something. And the feeling was weird. The fact that he was feeling anything at all was weird. “You have all those feelings. You just have them bottled up somewhere”, Jongin said quietly. “I believe that when the right person crosses paths with you, you will eventually feel something. Don’t expect a movie-like scene where you see a person and immediately know you’ll spend the rest of your lives together. When the right person comes, you’ll be willing to work for your future, and work through your fear”, Jongin explained and it all made sense to Sehun. However “What if that’s exactly what I’m waiting for. I’m waiting for a person to come and sweep me off my feet. I’m waiting for someone to come and make me feel something. Anything. What if I don’t want a normal relationship? What if it’s just too much work for it all to go to waste in the end?” “Why would it go to waste in the end?” Jongin asked, not at all phased about Sehun’s rambling. Sehun stopped and stared at Jongin. “All I’m saying is I’d rather have something short and passionate than a relationship where we have to work our asses off to make it work and then end up in a divorce. That’s all I’m saying”, that made Jongin quiet. Jongin stared at Sehun with a look Sehun once again couldn’t read. “Looks like our time’s up”, Jongin then said and Sehun blinked. Already? “Oh. Ok. Then I’ll- I’ll see you next week I guess”, Sehun said standing up. “Sehun”, Jongin’s voice stopped him at the door. “This was only our first session and we made a lot of progress. Try not to worry too much”, Jongin smiled again and this time it was impossible for Sehun to not to smile back.

2^nd session

The following week went by in a haze. Sehun was constantly repeating the conversation he and Jongin had in his head. He dodged all the questions his mother asked claiming it was none of her business. And once in a while Sehun let his mind wonder and go through every detail of Jongin he hadn’t even noticed he had memorized. The look in Jongin’s eyes was not analyzing him  not once during the session. They weren’t trying to figure out what was wrong with him so that he could add this patient to be another one of his successful cases. No, they were sincere. Like he actually cared and was interested. Or that’s what Sehun hoped for anyway. He couldn’t stand the thought of a stranger trying to understand what he was feeling.

So, a week later Sehun was sitting on the same couch he did seven days ago, waiting for his second session to begin. And before he could think deeper than that he heard the deep voice call his name again. Only this time instead of “Mr. Oh” it was “Sehun”. Sehun tried really hard not to smile and he pushed the weird feeling down deeper into somewhere.

“So how was your week?” Jongin casually asked like Sehun was his friend he hadn’t seen for a while. “It was ok. Nothing great happened. Still ed up in the head, don’t worry”, this made Jongin frown. “Why would I want you to still be ed up?” He asked and Sehun looked at him in a shock. “I mean. You’re not the cheapest therapist out there and we pay you money and- I mean- You have to buy food and eat, too and pay the bills and-“, the sound of Jongin’s chuckle stopped Sehun. “It’s ok, you’re a talker aren’t you”, Jongin softly said and Sehun felt a warm sensation on his cheeks, he better not be blushing right now.

“Sehun tell me how does the fear of commitment occur?” The sudden change of the topic made Sehun look at Jongin confused but then he remembered it was a therapy session, not a chit chat session and he sighed. “I don’t know. They get too close and then I just sort of, cut ties”, Sehun said and tried to look anywhere but Jongin. He knew that it was terrible, he just didn’t want to read it from Jongin’s eyes. “Have you ever thought of the reason why you do that?” Jongin asked and Sehun was a bit surprised when he didn’t hear any resentment in Jongin’s voice. But Jongin was a professional. He knew how to hide any negative feelings from patients. Sehun snorted. “I go through these ty things in my head quite often. I’m always trying to find a reason why I just can’t be like normal people”, Sehun said and frowned. He was actually quite tired of going through these things repeatedly. “Did you come to any conclusion?” “I guess. I think one reason is my early teenage years and the fact that I got rejected a lot”, Sehun said and remembered the text message his crush of when he was 13 had sent him. Sehun had confessed his feelings and got replied with a “Don’t text me”. Sehun still remembered how he felt worthless. Sehun chuckled, but it was an unamused sound. “We were teenagers. I shouldn’t have let that affect me so much”, Sehun said and looked out of the window. “The way I see it, your self-confidence got a pretty big blow from that. Maybe you haven’t really gained it back yet”, Jongin said. “Do you think it’s possible for you to reject those people before they can reject you? You don’t want to feel worthless again”, the last part came out so quietly Sehun had to turn his eyes towards Jongin, but it was Jongin who avoided his look. Sehun brushed it off as nothing.  “Maybe”, Sehun whispered and looked away again.

“Stop looking away”, Jongin said and Sehun had no choice but to look at him. He sounded so serious, as if Sehun was offending him by not looking at him. “You’re the one who avoided my eyes just now”, Sehun shot back and a weird uneasy silence fell between them as they stared at each other. Jongin then cleared his throat and unnecessarily reorganized the papers on his desk. “If we conclude something from what we’ve discussed so far, we could conclude that you’re afraid of losing people, yeah?” Jongin asked as is the moment just now hadn’t happened. Sehun swallowed and nodded. “Yeah. Sure”, “No Sehun”, Jongin sighed. “For us to make progress you have to be sure that’s what you feel. You have to admit it to yourself first”, Jongin said and Sehun sighed again. “Ok yeah I’m afraid of losing people, it terrifies the out of me, happy?” Ignoring Sehun’s rhetorical question, Jongin wrote something up to one of his papers. Sehun scoffed. He is a therapist after all. “I think we can end this session here”, Jongin then said and smiled at Sehun. But Sehun didn’t move from his seat. “No I don’t like this”, he then said.  “I hate this actually”, he continued. “I don’t want to be treated like a patient I-“, Sehun felt a feeling rise from somewhere. This feeling he knew well. It was panic. “I’m not crazy. I don’t want you to treat me as one of your patients. I don’t want to call these sessions sessions, I don’t want to feel like after all the I’ve been through I don’t have the right to be a little bit messed up”, Sehun stood up and the chair screeched. “I want to take my time to heal all my scars, AND I DON’T ING WANT TO BE HERE JUST SO THAT I CAN GET MARRIED BECAUSE MY MOTHER WANTS ME TO!” Sehun started yelling and he felt tears brim in his eyes. It was a foreign feeling. Sehun panted and started to feel embarrassed about his sudden outburst. Jongin looked at him quietly with the damn unreadable eyes again and Sehun felt like exploding. “I hate that look on your face. I hate that you’re probably able to read me like an open book but I can’t tell what you’re feeling. That’s unfair”, Sehun huffed and now he felt really embarrassed, but it didn’t make him stop. Jongin got up and walked to Sehun. He placed his hands on Sehun’s shoulders and Sehun hated how his touch made him feel. “I hate that this is just everyday life for you. You probably see cases like this daily but for me? This is- I don’t like this. I hate the fact that you only look at me like a patient”, Sehun now whispered and Jongin pushed him down to sit again. Jongin then sat on the edge of his desk. “Wanna know how I’m feeling?” Jongin asked and Sehun just stared at him. The he realized Jongin was actually waiting for an answer so he nodded. “I’m feeling all kinds of things. Yes, I’ve dealt with cases similar to you before, but never have I seen anyone so young claim that they’re unable to love. Some people just don’t wait for love. Some people date even though they don’t feel love. But they eventually do. And some people, like you Sehun, wait for the love to come first. And of course it’s more rare. Love at a first sight is not a common thing, in fact I doubt it even exists. But some people, again, like you, wait for it. And that wait might be in vain. So I guess the feeling on top right now is sadness? I feel sad that you feel like you’re unable to love. It’s not like that. You just haven’t experienced it yet. And I feel sad that you might rush through things in the believe that if you don’t immediately feel love, you won’t ever feel it.

And about your fear of commitment? I’m not gonna say anything yet because I’m trying not to overstep my boundaries as a professional any more than I already have”. Sehun stared at Jongin for a long time. Jongin was getting anxious by the minute, waiting for the younger one’s response. “That’s- such a negative way of thinking, Jongin”, Sehun said and got up. “I’ll see you next week”, and then he left.  

3^rd session (kind of)

The next time Sehun sat on the familiar couch he felt stupid. He felt absolutely stupid. How could he just lose his cool like that out of nowhere? Sehun had this uneasy feeling in his stomach and it made him feel very uncomfortable. “I hate that you only see me as a patient”, Sehun groaned at the memory and held his head with both hands. “Sehun?” Sehun shot up from the couch and bowed at Jongin. He avoided the other one’s eyes still feeling utterly embarrassed about the outburst. “Let’s go”, Jongin then said and started for the door. Sehun just stood there in disbelief. “Let’s go where?” he asked in confusion and Jongin smiled. More like smirked actually. No, definitely smiled. Therapists don’t smirk. “I need coffee”, and with that they were out the door.

The situation Sehun was in was ridiculous. He was out with his therapist. Not out as in like out on a date but out as in out of the office. Out. In the real world. “Um, how far are we going I mean, there has been quite a few coffee shops on the way”, Sehun muttered and looked around him as they were walking down the street. “I don’t drink just any coffee”, Jongin answered with a shrug. Sehun grabbed Jongin’s sleeve and they halted. “Why-why are we doing this”, Sehun asked and he noticed Jongin sigh.

“Im just trying to make you feel comfortable. You said you don’t want to be treated as a patient and I understand that. Thus, we’re getting coffee”, Jongin ended his speech with a smile and started to walk again. Sehun just stared at his back in disbelief for a while and then just sighed and jogged up to Jongin.

They reached a coffee place, which finally was good enough for Jongin. After like, 100 years. Seriously Jongin needs to stop being so picky it’s just coffee for crying out loud.  Sehun went and sat down on a booth while Jongin went to get them coffee. After a while, Jongin came and sat down opposite him and handed him the steaming cup. At this point Sehun didn’t really want to tell Jongin that he didn’t care for coffee that much but he thought not to.

They sat in silence for a while since Sehun didn’t really know what to do or say in that situation and Jongin seemed to be lost in his own thoughts somewhere. Sehun cleared his throat. “So, thanks”, Sehun finally broke the silence. Jongin lifted his eyes from the table and a wave of confusion flashed through his eyes. “Thanks about what?” “About this. And sorry. Thank you and sorry”, Sehun said and looked at the steam floating over the liquid in his cup. Jongin chuckled again and damn that chuckle. “Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who has had a mental breakdown in my office”, Jongin said sipping his coffee. Sehun however felt a pang of disappointment. “Oh”, Sehun said and kept looking at his cup. The smile on Jongin’s lips turned into a frown. “What?” he asked and Sehun sifted in his seat. “Do you- Do you always take your clients to- Never mind”, the liquid in his cup looked especially interesting again. “Sehun”, Jongin’s voice made him look up. “I don’t always take my clients out to get coffee”, Jongin said and Sehun felt like smiling and he kind of felt like running the hell away. He decided to smile. He did feel happy.  “Oh”, he smartly said again.

4^th session

Sehun was worried. Sehun was really worried. He was worried that he might have a freaking crush on his therapist. One does not just have a crush on their therapist. Apparently, Sehun is not one. He was fidgeting on the familiar sofa, biting his nails, his eyes shifting from the door to his lap. When the door opened and revealed a smiling Jongin, Sehun bolted up and actually startled Jongin. “Aren’t you energetic today”, Jongin mused and Sehun chuckled nervously. Sehun NEVER chuckled nervously. NEVER. “Coming in or?” Sehun snapped out of his thoughts and hurried in.

The set was familiar; Sehun in his seat opposite the desk and Jongin on the other side. No coffee. “Ok I want to continue from where we left of before- I mean. Yeah”, Jongin cleared his throat. Before he flipped, Sehun thought. “You don’t like losing people”, Jongin stated and Sehun blinked. “He chuckled again”, God he has to stop chuckling. “Are there people who like it?” Sehun smiled stupidly but when Jongin just glared at him, he cleared his throat. “Yeah. What about it?” “Has something happened in your past or recently which would make you fear it even more strongly?” Sehun felt a lump in his throat. He gazed out of the window again. “Sehun?” Sehun looked at Jongin but he couldn’t utter a word. He felt his chest tighten and his eyes prickled with tears. He couldn’t do this. Not yet. He couldn’t do this. “Are you ok?” Jongin asked worriedly. Sehun nodded. “Yeah”, he sighed and took a couple of breathes. “I’m ok, I’m ok”, Sehun panted. “You don’t have to talk about anything you’re not ready to talk about. Just remember that talking about it might help. You have clearly not dealt with whatever happened, properly yet”, Jongin said and leaned forward on his desk. Sehun closed his eyes tightly. Images and flashbacks of his past kept appearing in his vision. “I- I don’t feel so good”, Sehun whispered. “You look pale; do you need to lie down?” Jongin asked and got up from his seat. He rounded the table and crouched before Sehun. He grabbed Sehun’s hands from his lap and squeezed. Once again overstepping his boundaries as a therapist. But this was the first time Sehun showed his vulnerable side and Jongin felt his heart go heavy.

“Tao? Tao? Tao are you in there open the door! Open the door Tao please!”, Sehun banged the door of his friend’s house’s bathroom. “TAO PLEASE!” tears were falling down his cheeks by now. The door opened and a bored looking Tao stepped out. “Jesus ing Christ Hun”, he brushed past Sehun who now panted. “You-you were taking so long I-“. “I just got out of the mental ward ok, I’m not planning on going in there again for a while”, Tao snorted and sprawled on the bed. “Yeah. Yeah, sorry”, Sehun muttered. Tao might not go back in there, but in a matter of time Sehun was sure he’d find himself from the ward if things continued like this.

“Sehun?” Jongin’s voice made him snap out of his flashback. He stared at Jongin for a while and took in the concerned look in the older one’s face. He didn’t even realize that tears were still staining his cheeks. He quickly wiped them with his sleeve and forced himself to smile. “Im ok”, he breathed and Jongin didn’t look convinced at all. “Sehun, talk to me”, Jongin said and squeezed his hands again. His hands. Squeezed. Jongin held his hands. Completely forgetting the situation they were in, Sehun started to blush. He quickly pulled his hands free and averted his eyes. “Uh, if you don’t mind, not today”, Sehun muttered and Jongin looked at him with a frown. “I mean, I’m not ready yet”, he continued and Jongin sighed. “Ok then. I think you should go home and get some rest”, Jongin said and paused before getting up. Sehun also got up but sat back down when he realized how close Jongin was. Jongin held back a smile and went back to his own seat. Sehun mentally punched himself in the face because what is he? A 12-year-old girl? That’s how he was acting anyway. With a last forced smile, Sehun hurried out of the room and closed the door before leaning his back against it. He was completely falling for his therapist. (Or had already completely fallen.)

5^th session

“So, let’s talk about last time”, Jongin said leaning back on his chair. Sehun swallowed. He was not at all ready to talk about this part of his past. It had all happened 5 years ago but the pain still felt fresh. “Just take it easy. You don’t have to tell me everything at once. Take your time, just tell me what happened the last time”, Jongin said and offered a comforting smile. “Well. You asked if something happened in the past and yeah. Something happened. Something that might’ve messed me up real good”, Sehun averted his eyes and gazed out of the window. “I used to have these flashbacks. And well seems like they’re back”, Sehun almost whispered. “Flashbacks?” “Yeah, kind of like I’m re-living certain parts of the past. And usually they wreck me up pretty well but the last time-“, Sehun turned to look at Jongin. “Last time wasn’t so bad”, Sehun couldn’t help but to wonder if it was Jongin’s presence, which prevented him of completely being stuck in the past. “Ok. And this event in the past involved you losing someone am I correct?” Jongin studied his face. Sehun felt the lump grow in his throat. He just nodded. “Can I ask, who?” Sehun’s eyes were stinging again.

“I promise I won’t do it again, ok Hun?” Tao whispered as they were sprawled on the familiar bed Sehun had spent so many nights sleeping, and sometimes more. “Promise? I can’t deal with it again”, Sehun whispered back with tears in his eyes. “I got a bunch of new pills, I’m sure they’ll work just fine”, Tao smiled and brushed a hair from Sehun’s eyes. Sehun smiled back and nodded.

Sehun knew they wouldn’t work.

“A-special person”, Sehun chocked out. Jongin noticed that he was poking at a sensitive topic. It was progress. The last weeks all Jongin could think about was Sehun. Sehun and his past and his pains, which made him who he is. Jongin didn’t think Sehun was crazy at all. Jongin thought that Sehun’s idea of love might not be so wrong after all. What if Sehun’s way really was better? Jongin felt his heart hurt. His heart never hurt when it came to patients. It was his job after all. But something about the younger one intrigued him. It was as if Jongin wanted to find all his wounds and kiss them better. “Thank you for telling me that”, Jongin said sincerely and made Sehun look at him with wide eyes. God those eyes were beautiful. Sehun shifted his eyes on the desk instead of Jongin’s eyes. He had the urge to climb over the desk, settle himself on Jongin’s lap and kiss him breathless. Sehun shook his head a bit. Jongin was definitely a great distraction of the ghosts in his past. Sehun though he might be ready soon. On the inside, he was aching to talk to someone about what happened. He wanted to pour his heart out. He wanted someone to tell him it wasn’t his fault. And he was sure that someone was Jongin. Sehun looked at Jongin again. His gaze strong and determined this time. Jongin was a bit taken aback by it. Sehun got up from his seat and took a step forward. Jongin looked at Sehun curiously, as Sehun leaned over the desk and grabbed the back of Jongin’s head before pulling him in for a quick kiss. Their lips contacted for just a brief second but it sent lightning bolts down to Sehun’s stomach. He parted their lips and caught Jongin’s hazed eyes. Their faces were merely an inch apart. In his surprise, Jongin didn’t push him back or start yelling at him. Instead, the look in Jongin’s eyes was strong. His eyes were dark and he didn’t look away from Sehun’s eyes even for a second. It was Sehun’s turn to be taken aback. He stepped back before whispering out a “See you next week”, and ran out of the door.