Jiyong hasn’t bitten his nails in three weeks because everything has to be perfect. His hands have never looked this elegant and honestly, he likes it more than he thought he would. The only sound in the apartment is that of the file smoothing his nails into perfect ovals, leaving behind fine white dust on his shirt. A bottle of sky blue polish sits on the table next to him, but he decides against it. He’s always wanted pretty hands, but he’s not in the mood for a Kwon Jiyong Nail Polish Scandal right now. He doesn’t want to take away the spotlight from the obvious.
                “You should get ready soon. It’s your big day.” Dami sits next to him with a cup of coffee and a joking smile.
                Jiyong doesn’t look up. “I am getting ready.” He turns his hand over to properly reach the edge of his pinky finger nail. A month ago he’d never have even dreamed of stressing over uneven nail beds.
                “You know what I mean, Ji.” She says. Like Jiyong, she’s normally an open book with her expressions, but Jiyong can’t decode her lip-bitten smile. Nothing seems normal today because today’s not a normal day. Satisfied with his nails, Jiyong gets up, brushing the dust from his shirt onto the ground. Dami yells after him as he walks into his room. “Ew, I don’t want your nail powder in my coffee! Have some respect.” Jiyong isn’t in the mood for joking back so he lets her have it this once.
                He pulls his clothes off more gently than usual. To say he chose the outfit six months ago wouldn’t be a total lie, but it would be more accurate to say he’s been planning it for almost five years now. Six months ago was when the color scheme was definitely decided, and the fact that it was the one he wanted was the most perfectly bittersweet outcome. It took Jiyong less than a day to pick out exactly what he would be wearing, a fact which he’s proud of, but he denies to tell others that he spent 14 hours straight on his laptop skimming all the Thom Browne and Saint Laurent suit collections from the past six years just to find that perfect fit. He had to pay extra to get the YSL suit in the salmon pink color that was agreed on, as well as to have it tailored to his small frame.
                All in all, it was worth it, Jiyong thinks, as he rummages through his underwear drawer. He removes the lingerie he picked out, a full set of delicate white lace with a garter and stockings as well as and a bra he knows he doesn’t need. The fabric feels like air on his skin as he pulls the underwear on. He’s always loved this feeling, how it makes him feel as beautiful and dainty as the pieces themselves. Once he clips the stockings to the garter wrapped around his waist, he looks in the mirror. Until now, he’s avoided wearing all of it at once so he can experience for the first time on his big day. My big day, he thinks. Just because he isn’t getting married doesn’t mean it’s not his wedding.
               Because it is his wedding, it’s his more than anyone else’s. He chose the colors, helped dress the other groomsmen, he helped chose the venue, and he’s the one in the wedding lingerie. But most of all, he’s the one who’s been head over heels in love with the groom since the day they first met.

                Jiyong straightens his navy tie for the thousandth time in the reflection of the car window. The knot over his throat is neat and classy, but just as practiced as the messy tangle in his stomach. He’s too nervous to play on his phone. He’s too nervous to think, god it. With nothing else appropriate to do, he lets himself slip into the fantasies that have been consuming him.
                He’s going to his wedding in this car. His suit is pink, not white, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s marrying his one true love. The noose around his stomach melts to butterflies at the thought. When the car stops, Youngbae will be there, offering his hand to help Jiyong out. He’ll pull Jiyong in for a hug and congratulate him, flashing his cute eye smile. Jiyong will sit down at a beautiful vanity and the stylist noonas will help do his hair and makeup and he’ll be a ing fairy princess as he walks down the aisle.
                The daydreaming ends as the car stops. The door does open to Youngbae, but he’s no more courteous than any best friend should be.
                “Jiyong!” He says with cheer. He takes Jiyong’s arm and leads him up the stairs to the venue. Half of YG entertainment is present outside in the garden, nothing but smiles. It makes Jiyong’s stomach even sicker. “We were worried you weren’t going to come.” Youngbae quickly looks up at him with a face full of regret to make sure he didn’t hit any of Jiyong’s nerves. Jiyong smiles bitterly in response. “Sorry.” Youngbae says quietly, squeezing his arm. He looks up at Jiyong again. “I’m just… I’m sorry.”
                A room has been set aside for the groomsmen. Daesung, Seungri, and Soohyuk are inside already, along with John Lee. The one man out of place, the man who twisted the tension up to a thousand percent. He has an air of self-superiority about him, but it’s so subtle that you still feel bad when he mentions an amazing German art film you need to see, or an exquisite new exhibit that opened in Hongdae.
                Jiyong would’ve hated him for that alone. It just didn’t help when he saw John Lee’s hand down Seunghyun’s pants a year after Seunghyun confessed to Jiyong that he wasn’t attracted to men. er.
                There’s a mirror standing on the coffee table, Soohyuk being the only one still touching up his makeup. Jiyong sits next to him, taking out his makeup bag.
                “I’ll do it.” Soohyuk says. He’s always been kind like this and has a knack for reading people. But in Jiyong’s case, you’d have to be illiterate to not be able to read him in his current state. Everybody knows something’s been wrong, but an unfortunately small handful know why. It was always Jiyong’s only dream bigger than marrying Seunghyun—letting the world know about them. Not having to hide away all the time, holding hands over the table instead of under, winning best couple awards seriously, not as a joke.

                Jiyong swings his leg over Seunghyun’s lap, sitting down and pressing their bodies together. Seunghun’s dark eyes twinkle, not holding back his emotions like usual. He sets his hands on Jiyong’s waist, clothed in nothing but a white dress shirt stolen from him, ed and too big. Jiyong leans in until their mouths are nearly touching, but doesn’t press further yet. They breathe the same air until Jiyong can’t control his smile, giggling as their mouths meet in another sweet kiss. This is all he wants, all he’s ever wanted. He breaks away just to admire Seunghyun again.
                He giggles again. “What?” Seunghyun asks, his eyes crinkling up and his hands travelling further down Jiyong’s waist.
                “Our kids are going to be so gorgeous, Seunghyunnie.” Jiyong buries his face in Seunghyun’s shoulder after he says it. They’ve never talked about kids before, or at least never seriously.
                “Jiyong…” His voice is lower now, with uncertainty.
               Jiyong pulls away from his shoulder and looks at him, his gut knotting up. “What?” He shouldn’t have brought it up.
              “You know we’re two guys, right? Damn right our kids will be gorgeous, but we’ll have to compromise in some way.”
                “I…” Jiyong falters. “I didn’t think of that.” Seunghyun’s expression is that of someone who just accidentally ran over a puppy. His expression causes Jiyong to burst into hysterical laughter. “I didn’t even THINK of that Seunghyun. God, I’m going nuts.” He cackles. Seunghyun joins in once he knows he hasn’t suddenly crushed the dreams of the most important person in the world to him.
                “But if we could have babies,” Jiyong starts once his laughter is controlled, “They would be gorgeous.” Seunghyun nods, so Jiyong continues. “We’d have two. The first would be a girl and she would have your eyes and smile but my jawline, and she’ll be pretty like me. Her name would be Sujin. Then, we’d have a boy, and he’d protect Sujin when he’s old enough. He’ll have my smile but he will get your jawline and cheekbones.”
                “I like it.” Seungyhun nuzzles Jiyong’s neck. “As long as Sujin doesn’t have my eyebrows.” It sends them into a fit of giggles, which turns into a tickling match, which turns into a kissing and cuddling fest until morning.

                “Done.” Soohyuk says, handing Jiyong the mirror. He made the makeup natural and glowy looking, more feminine and sweet than the usual makeup Jiyong wears to clubs and concerts. Jiyong remembers telling him a few years ago the makeup he wanted for his wedding, but he didn’t think Soohyuk would have kept it in mind all this time.
                “Thanks.” Jiyong smiles with gratitude and not false happiness this time.
                “You look great, Ji.” Soohyuk says. He purses his lips as if he wants to say more, but doesn’t. He just nods. “Uh…” He bites his lip. “Seunghyun’s room is across the hall.” Soohyuk says nervously. “He asked if you were here before. I think he wanted to talk to you.” Jiyong nods numbly.
                How dare he. How ing dare he ask to see Jiyong, knowing what this all meant to him, knowing what he himself meant to him. Nevertheless, Jiyong finds himself outside the door across the hallway, with “GROOM” written in swirly letters. He knocks once. It opens immediately, and holy .
                Jiyong knew Seunghyun would look gorgeous, but he never thought he could look this good. He has on a fitted navy tuxedo and pink tie; his brown hair swooped back effortlessly. “Come in.” His voice melts Jiyong like butter in a saucepan, a voice that will burn Jiyong if he listens too long, but he doesn’t care. Seunghyun closes the door behind him.
                They stand facing each other, closer than friends should. Seunghyun takes both of Jiyong’s hands in his own, warm and strong as always. The innocent touch sends a shiver through Jiyong’s body. “You look really pretty, Jiyong.” He says, and that does it. Jiyong inhales sharply and presses his head against Seunghyun’s chest, breathing deeply to hold back tears.
                That’s what he’s been missing. People always joke about him being cute. When Soohyuk complimented him before, when anyone compliments him, they say he looks great, or handsome, or hot. But since the beginning, Seunghyun has always been the only one that knew to call him pretty. He doesn’t want to just look great or handsome; he wants to be a goddamn princess, and Seunghyun was the first to figure it out.

Jiyong remembers the first time he said it. They were getting ready to go clubbing in 2010, back when they just started spending every morsel of time together, back when they were just beginning to think of making an album by just the two of them. Jiyong put a bit of extra makeup on and some tight pants as well as lip gloss for the first time out, and before they left Jiyong’s apartment, Seunghyun said he looked pretty. After that, he never stopped.
                Jiyong tries not to cry, not to ruin his makeup and send black mascara streaks down Seunghyun’s suit. “Don’t say that. Don’t ing say that.” He whispers, but he’s choked by tears so it doesn’t sound like much more than a low whine.
                “Sorry.”
                “Sorry isn’t enough and you know it.” Jiyong shoots, pulling back. Seunghyun’s silhouette is blurred by tears. “What is this? What do you think you’re doing?” He asks.
                “It’s my wedding.” Seunghyun mutters. “And it’s going to be perfect, okay?” He wrings his hands nervously; he’s never been able to keep still.
                “Do you love her?” Jiyong demands. “It’s okay if you love her, but if you don’t, just stop this all. It’ll be better, please.”
                Seunghyun doesn’t answer immediately, he doesn’t defend his love for this woman. Instead, his face is weak and unsure.
                “I knew it.” Jiyong spits. “Don’t lie to yourself—“
                “I am not lying to anybody, Jiyong.” Seunghyun cuts him off coldly. “Nobody. Why do you feel so entitled to this? When did I ever say this was supposed to be you?”
                “Five years ago.” Jiyong says. “Five years ago you said it, I showed you the rings I wanted and you said sure. You said you were going to make me Mrs. Top because you’re such a ing dork, you know? Do you not even remember what we wrote “Oh Yeah” about?” His voice breaks.
                Seunghyun shakes his head and turns around. “Don’t try to ruin this. This isn’t for you.”
                “No, it’s for you. Not for Sekyung, either. She thinks you’re in love with her! This is the biggest day of her life, Seunghyun, and you’re ruining it! And if it’s not for me, why did you make me your best man?”
                “Leave.” Seunghyun says. “Just get out of here. I’m not in love with you, Jiyong, and you have no reason to think I am. Also…” he falters. “Don’t even think about saying a word when they ask for objections. This is going to happen and you’re going to figure out how to deal with it.”
                In the back of his mind, Jiyong hoped something would change. He hoped Seunghyun would take him into his arms and apologize for the last years of denying and ignoring him. Then they would kiss for the first time in years, and Jiyong would enjoy the rest of the day knowing it’s another one of their shared performances.
                He leaves the dressing room, slamming the door.

                Everyone he knows sits in front of him. The crowd is a sea of peach and navy, with white flowers dripping from every vase and surface available. He stands next to Seunghyun, all eyes on the door at the end of the aisle.
                The doors open, and Sekyung enters. She’s gorgeous, with a form fitting white dress and pink flowers in her hair, arm in arm with her father. She takes steady steps up to the altar, her face lit with a smile. Pure love floods her face as she looks at Seunghyun. She stands in front of him on the altar and they stare into each other’s eyes until the priest begins the ceremony.
                Jiyong tunes out to what he’s saying. He’s reciting a biblical passage, something he and Seunghyun agreed not to do at their wedding.

                They’ve been on Seunghyun’s back deck since it stopped raining. The clouds cleared, and it’s a rare night where you can see the stars shine despite the city lights. Seunghyun refills Jiyong’s glass with champagne yet again.  By now, Jiyong has lost count of how many times he’s filled it.
                “I have the bridge, Seunghyunnie.” Jiyong giggles. “I’ve been thinking about it all night.”
                “For the song from today?” He asks. “Sing it.” Jiyong leans in, taking in every one of Seunghyun’s features. His strong jawline, his bleach blond hair, his large eyes and thick eyebrows pulled back with his smile. He laughs, he’s always nervous before singing a song for the first time. Despite the fame, he’s always worried that it’ll .
                Jiyong takes in a deep breath. “A night, like tonight where the stars are shining. For us lady luck will be calling. Shout for me in a beautiful voice like this, like this, like this.”
                “Like what?”
                “I don’t know, I haven’t gotten that far.” Jiyong says, covering his smile with his hand.
                Seunghyun smiles back, a new expression on his face. “Jiyong, do you love me?”
                He’s taken aback. “Oh… yeah!” He breathes out. “Of course! You love me too, right?”
                Seunghyun mimics him. “Yeah. I love you. I always, always will.” He leans in and kisses Jiyong, their mouths working together lazily, nothing more to prove to each other. “I think I know how to finish your song, too. Sing it again.”
                Jiyong opens his mouth and sings again, his voice rising high above the sound of nearby traffic and passerbys. “Like this, like this, like thi-i-i-i-is…” His voice trails off to see what Seunghyun has in mind.
                “Oh yeah!” He finishes. “Oh-oh-oh oh yeah. Please don’t stop, oh yeah!” He gets up and begins to dance for the added effect. Jiyong doubles over in laughter.
                “I love it!” He forces out through hysterics. “Seriously, it’s perfect!” He wraps his arms around Seunghyun’s shoulders, standing on his toes to reach. “Wait, let me get something.” He runs inside, digging through a bag and spilling paper over the table before finding what he’s looking for and running back out. “These. I found them online, and well… they’re perfect. I mean, if you want to do that…” Seunghyun takes the paper from his hands and unfolds it. It’s a printed out picture of two wedding rings. They’re simple silver bands with squared off edges.
                “Okay.” Seunghyun says after looking at them briefly. “I’ll make you Ms. Top. We’ll have a ton of babies.”
                “Wait, seriously?”
                “Yes. Of course. I’ll ask you to marry me and you’ll get flustered and just say ‘yeah’ again, and it’s gonna be really cute. Like the song says, on a night like this one. I promise.”

Before he knows it, the priest is talking about Seunghyun and Sekyung, about their love and how happy their future will be. A future that’s supposed to be Seunghyun and Jiyong and nobody else.
                Jiyong’s eyes begin to water. He smiles and looks at the couple in the hopes he can pass the crying off as happy tears, but seeing Seunghyun makes it worse. It should ing be him.
                The weight of the situation crashes down harder than it has before, even when he checked Instagram all those months ago to find their engagement announcement. Even when he was preparing for the wedding as if it were his own, he still assumed it would be one day. One day, he would be standing in front of Seunghyun, as if this wedding never happened. But now he knows it’s not like that, that there’s no backing out.
                “Any objections?”
                It takes every muscle and every particle of strength in Jiyong’s body to keep his arm down, to not call it off. Unfortunately, all the energy comes out in a sob. He hides his face behind his hands and Seungri slides an arm around him. . He can’t ing cry now. But he does, and it’s clearly not tears of joy. Frantically, he drags his thumbs along his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears, but they keep falling.
                “Do you, Choi Seunghyun, take Shin Sekyung as your rightfully wedded wife?”
                “I do.”
                “You may kiss the bride.”
                Jiyong lets out a soft moan than stutters into gasps for breath as he cries, both hands covering his face. He stands in place as people cheer and move around him, not daring to look up. He feels Seungri leave his side as he’s replaced by someone else, someone taller and stronger who leads him away from the noise. Soon, the only sound is that of a door locking. Jiyong looks up.
                Seunghyun wraps his arms around him. “I’m so ing sorry.” The words are liquid gold in Jiyong’s veins. “But I still can’t believe you did that, Jiyong.”
                “I’m sorry.” Jiyong whispers. “I ruined it… oh, God.” He sits down on the couch.
                “Don’t feel bad, please.” Seunghyun’s voice is softer than it was before. He hasn’t spoken this way to Jiyong in years.
                “Seunghyun?” Jiyong asks. Their eyes meet, Seunghyun’s gaze as strong as it always has been, sending a jolt through his chest. “Please just answer one question. Okay? I won’t ask any more.” Seunghyun nods. “Do you actually like men?”
                Seunghyun exhales, looking around the room nervously. His hands are crossed in front of him, but he shoves them into his pockets. He sits down next to Jiyong and s his jacket. Once he can reach inside, he removes a small black box from his inner pocket.
                He opens it. Inside is one ring. Jiyong recognizes it immediately. It’s the one he showed Seunghyun five years ago. But there’s only one.
                That’s when he notices it. On Seunghyun’s right hand, on his ring finger, is the other.
                “Did… were you wearing that the whole time?” Jiyong asks, in a trance.
                “Yeah.” He says. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to give the other to you, but I had to. I had to wear it. I never have before and…” He exhales. “Now seemed right.”
                Jiyong wets his lips, his head spinning. “You got married in our wedding rings?”
                “Yeah.”
                The tears come back, washing over him, frantic and confused this time. “Why?”
                “Because I love you and I’m sorry.”
                “Why didn’t you tell me?”
                Seunghyun looks around nervously. “You know why. Because I’m ‘straight.’ And not in love with a man.”
                He’s always been that way. Even as a child, Jiyong knew he liked boys. He was always sure of himself, and while he did get angry over it sometimes, he never even once doubted it. Seunghyun, however, was different. He had trouble accepting it.
                “Jiyong, will you stay with me?” He asks, his gravelly voice trembling.
                Yeah.” He takes the ring and slides it onto his left ring finger. That’s it. He does it himself, not Seunghyun. In a back room at a wedding venue, not a fancy restaurant or concert. And when anyone sees him with it, he’ll brush it off, pretend it means nothing, “Can’t a guy just wear a ring?”, he will keep all of it hidden like he always has.
                Seunghyun wraps his strong hands around Jiyong’s. He pulls him in close, letting Jiyong’s face press into his shoulder. After a minute like this, they break apart.
                “You still look gorgeous.” He says, smiling softly. “You always have.” He picks up one of Jiyong’s hands. “Your nails look nice. I forgot to mention.” He’s the first person to notice them all day. Their eyes meet, and Seunghyun has a look Jiyong hasn’t seen in a while. It’s the expression after a concert where they had to avoid talking, or when they went on a date but couldn’t even hold hands. It’s the expression that says This will get better. I promise. Jiyong’s mouth parts and his eyes dart down to Seunghyun’s lips.
      Seunghyun leans down and presses their mouths together, a kiss more bittersweet than anything else. His chest rises and falls in long, strong breaths. They break away before it gets too passionate and Seunghyun hugs Jiyong close again, both minds racing, but finally with the same thoughts.         

                Jiyong slides into the chair next to Seunghyun. The other guests fill up the round tables scattered around the yard, but the bride and groom sit at the front. Sekyung sits next to her husband, and the sight sends a pang through Jiyong’s heart. Her arm wraps around Seunghyun’s and she plants a kiss on his cheek. He knows he shouldn’t hate her, he should feel bad for her, but he can’t help it.
                John taps his spoon against his empty wine glass, silencing the crowd. Speech time. As the best man, Jiyong should’ve prepared a speech, but he avoided it. He felt like it would be giving in, accepting that this isn’t for him. That this is his best friend’s wedding and nothing more.
                “Jiyong! The best man. What do you have to say?” John asks, but Seunghyun waves him away.
                “Best for last.” He says. “You speak first.” As John begins his speech, Seunghyun looks back at Jiyong with a small smile. Jiyong returns it, but his nose wrinkles as John begins speaking. His speech references art. He knows Seunghyun enjoys art, but this has to be at least slightly uncomfortable for him. The other members speak as well, telling old stories, each of them ending by reflecting on how great and honest of a friend the groom is. After what seems like years, it’s Jiyong’s turn to speak.
                “I’ve known Seunghyun for more than half my life now. So much has happened since we first met, but some things never change.” What else is he supposed to say? The crowd looks up at him with joy in their eyes; they have no reason not to. “This man is a liar and a cheat. This isn’t a wedding, because weddings are supposed to show how much two people are in love, and these two people are as far from love as me and Kim Youngmin. This is a huge fest of denial and it’s nothing more. This is the glorious Choi Seunghyun spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to prove to himself that he likes women and doesn’t have wet dreams about guys. This is him, putting on a show to convince the world he’s in love with this poor woman and not me, because he’s just that insecure, and that’s what’s never changed.”
                But he doesn’t say that. He’s not that mean.
                “Choi Seunghyun is more than a friend to me.” He says. “More than my best friend. He’s been by my side for years, and when he’s not, he always has a place in my heart. He’s changed me and he’s changed many of you, and we’ve all stuck by him as he became the man he is today.” Short and sweet. Jiyong sits down, having achieved nothing.
                Seunghyun claps with everyone else. Once it’s quiet enough that he can be heard, he speaks. “And with that, let’s eat!” The waiters file in with plates of steaming food. Jiyong slumps back in his chair. It went better than expected, but it still hurt.
                That is, until the music begins to play. The song, so familiar, begins, electronic sounds with his and Seunghyun’s voices echoing each other like they did in the studio five years ago. Oh yeah, 난  feeling like. A hand brushes his leg and slides into his own, fingers giving his own fingers a reassuring squeeze. It happens under the table, where no one else can see. Jiyong can feel a ring on Seunghyun’s ring finger, but it’s not the thick gold one he and Sekyung picked out. It’s thinner, and Jiyong can feel the shape. He glances down to make sure, and he’s right. It’s the silver ring he bought all those years ago, on the finger supposed to be wearing the wedding band from today.
                Maybe he did achieve something.