Luhan: Sehun ah! I... I.... 

Instead of finishing the sentence, he trailed off because really what excuse was he going to give the younger. He can't sugarcoat . He's leaving and he can't just go and tell Sehun he'll be back before the latter knows it. Sehun is not ing 5.

Yet he still can't find words to describe what he feel right now. Words loud enough to explain so the other understand why he's doing what's he's doing.

They're standing on each end of their shared room, but Luhan feel so far away from Sehun. So far he has to strain to hear what other is uttering though he's not saying a single word, just wordlessly stare out of the windows. What is it he's looking at or for, Luhan doesn't know. 

Several minutes passed and Luhan feels like he's being suffocated. The silence grips at his airway forcing halts to every flow of breath. He clears his throat and it shocks Sehun out of his reverie. 

Sehun turns to look at him for a brief second before turning back to the window. He took a deep breath before he started saying something in a low voice. Luhan barely catches it. He wants to move closer to Sehun but at this moment he doesn't know where he stands. One wrong move might make his years-long relationship with the younger go down the drain. 

Sehun: Hyung... 

Sehun starts low and slow. He seems tired,  wrecked even. It pains luhan to know he's the cause of it.

Sehun: Hyung, remember how you said you like to piss me off for no reason because you think I looked cute when I'm mad? 

Luhan: Hmm.

Sehun: well you know what? 

Sehun turns to him and smile, though wryly. He takes small steps to where Luhan is. Luhan feels like running away, not because he's afraid of Sehun, but he feels like drowning. He's running out of breath, his hearing is ringing and his vision is starting to blur. He had never imagined that confronting Sehun would be this torturing. He stands still and keep on listening. 

Sehun: I was never really mad. You just looked too happy annoying the hell out of me that I decided to play along. 

Sehun now stands full height in front of a trembling Luhan. The older refuses to look up to Sehun so he hooks a finger under his chin and lifts his face up. Luhan is shaking now. The temperature in the room is nowhere near cold yet luhan is shivering like he forgot to put his jacket on on December night. Sehun take a breathe and pull the deer into a tight embrace. He didn't want Luhan's last memory of him to be one that haunts him. He wants to be remembered as someone who brings smile upon reminiscing. 

Sehun: I could never stay mad at you, not even if I wanted to. And you have no idea how many times I tried.

Sehun lets out an airy chuckle. And luhan thinks he can taste the pain in it. Luhan circles his arms around Sehun's torso, tightening the embrace. He want the latter to know that he even though leaving cherish what they have to the bottom of his heart. Every moment since their first locking of gaze up until now are fond memories he will carry with him till he's 6 feet under the earth. But he has no words so for now he lets the action do the talking. 

He buried his nose into familiar chest, taking in scent that he knows so well after countless nights of cuddling. Luhan thinks he might be imagining things when he felt dampness on the shoulder of his gray tank but when he looks up to the younger face, those were undoubtedly tears. 

He reaches up to the porcelain white face and try to clean away traces of tears but what he cleans only results in more flows, stronger this time like the floodgates had been broken. He takes Sehun's hands and lead him to bed. He gently lies on the bed and tug the latter down. Sehun follows and lays his head on Luhan invited arms, though small and thin, Sehun doesn't voice any complaints. Luhan pulls Sehun close, face to chest and gently runs his fingers through his hair in comforting . Sehun snakes his arms around luhan slim waist,  tugging close till there's no space left in between. 

Sehun wonders if he doesn't fall asleep, will tomorrow still come? Will the sun still rise? Will Luhan still leave? 
But before he can give himself answers, he already feels sleep taking over. He tries to fight to keep his eyes open but in the end finds himself drifting further and further away from the hands his hair and the scent marring his nose. 

Just before he lost to the hands of sleep, he hears something low on his ears. Something like "I'm sorry"
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Sehun wakes up the next morning feeling like his heart had been ripped from his chest while he was asleep. He feels so hollow inside he can't make sense of what's what. 

The dorm is quiet save from the clattering of pots and pans from down the hall. He figures it's either kyungsoo or Yixing fixing breakfast. He takes turn to the bathroom and finish hos daily routine before heads out to the kitchen. 

Kyungsoo is there stirring some soup, he doesn't know what. He looks up when he enters the kitchen, eyes follow him everywhere. Sehun goes to the fridge, grab a bottle of water and chug down the contents. When he sits down at the dining table he can still feel Kyungsoo gaze on him so he decide he should kick start some morning convo. 

Sehun: what's for breakfast hyung?

Kyungsoo: Oh? It's.. uh.. it's bean sprout soup. It's uh.. it's good for ragaining energy. Are you hungry? It'll be ready in a minute. 

Kyungsoo never stutter, Sehun thinks, unless he's nervous. 

The other members make their entrance one after another and the table is filled quickly. Soon the once quiet morning takes turn into a chattering filled ones. Though rowdy and busy, Sehun can still feel glances taken upon him once every couple seconds. Junmyeon seems to be quite on alert with him, so is Jongin. Jongdae tries to pull a joke but fails. 

Breakfast is delicious but it's kyungsoo dish. Second best is not an option. But Sehun feel like throwing up at the sight of food. He tries to push it down his throat considering the chef effort but he really can't. In the end, he gets up and excuse himself from the table. Chanyeol and Baekhyun simultaneously offer him on a trip outside if he's feeling like it but he just simply shakes his head before making his way down the hall to his bedroom. He should be avoiding his bedroom like a plague but he's a masochist. 

He only barely place his head on the pillow when the door swung open. Tao strides fast towards his bed and drop down next to him. 

Tao: so how are you feeling? 

Sehun: I don't have time to play game Tao. Go away!!

Sehun places his arms over his eyes shielding them from the lights. It's starting to hurt his eyes. 

Tao takes a deep breathe, steals a look at his best friend then at the ceiling.

Tao: Hurt. Betray. Mad. Sad. Upset. Disappointment. All the words they have can't express what you're feeling right now. Cos no matter what words you used it all comes back to heartbreak. It that one person can make you feel all these. 

Sehun doesn't utter a word but Tao knows he's listening. 

Tao: it's been 5 months Hun. It's been 5 ing months but I still feel the emptiness in here. And for sake I don't think it's going to go away. I feel it everytime I walked pass his room, his once used to be closet, the kitchen, the living room, the practice room, the car, it!! even the toilet reminds me of him. I just want to ing smash it to pieces. 

Sehun: Why are you telling me all of these?

Tao: I don't know. Why am I telling you?

Tao chuckles deep before turning to face his friend whose arm is now laying by his side. He goes on to full laughter before slowing down and getting up. He takes a small piece of folded paper and hands it to him. Sehun is curious but accepts anyway. 

Tao: At least he left you something. All I had was an article. 

And just like, the M rapper is gone.

Sehun unfolds the paper and eyes the message. 

Luhan: Sehun ah... are you... are you by any chance mad at me? That was silly of me to ask right? Of course you're mad. You probably don't even want to see my face now. I truly am sorry Sehun. I know I promised many things to you which I am leaving behind and no matter what excuses I put up won't be enough to heal the wounds I inflicted onto you. But I want you to know that you are the only man who owns the key to my bracelet so you're the only man who owns the key to my heart and soul and my very being. We will meet again Oh Sehun.

Sehun wants to scoff at the irony of it all but he finds no sound coming out. Instead he reaches for his phone on the night stand and press speed dial 1. First attempt sends him to voice mail so he tries again. After the third ring the other picks up. 

Sehun: you're damn right I'm mad. Luhan you don't go tell someone they are everything to you when in fact you're on your fuxking merry way to another country Luhan. And you don't say sorry to that person either cos right now he can't decide what it is that's gnawing on his insides drawing blood. Is it sadness? Rage? Agony? He has no ing idea but loves to know cos at least he will have some ing idea what to tell himself the next time he's stupidly crying for someone who left. 

Luhan: Sehun ah...

Sehun didn't intend to lash out at Luhan like this. But let's be real no one can be calm and collected. He's human and he can only take so much before he explodes. He begins, softer this time.

Sehun: let's be real hyung. What are the chances of us being able to stand together again? I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I need the truth hyung I don't want the pretty lie I want the ugly truth. I don't want to keep waiting for the ship that will never come. I want to know if I should give up or keep fighting. 

Luhan paused for a long while. Sehun would have thought he had hung if not the faint breath on the other line. 

Luhan: you have the key to my bracelet Sehun and I gave it to you for a reason. Take good care of it !! I have to go. 

And he hang up. Sehun wasn't sure the vague answer was what he had expected but it's the closest to an assurance he can get so he has to make do. For in those words, he held his new found hope.
______________________________________

A/N: and I quote my twitter friend " In cartier we trust". 

I'm sorry this is once again garbage. Sigh/ I tried.