There is not a single word in the whole world

That could describe the hurt

The dullest knife just sawing back and forth

And ripping through the softest skin there ever was

How were you to know?

 

Kyungsoo was tired. It had been a long day at the firm, with tax season right around the corner. Why the hell did he even dream of becoming an accountant? Maybe I should have just stuck to working at that pet shop. I’d pick bad pay over bad hours any ing day.

From: Jongin

Will be home late. Dinner with the boss.

Kyungsoo was driving to Jongin’s workplace when all of a sudden he received the message. Dinner with the boss again? If you keep this up you might as well ask your boss to be your boyfriend or girlfriend or buddy or whatever coz im sure as hell I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore was what Kyungsoo wanted to say but you know what? it. This push and pull game with Jongin was the only thing Kyungsoo would look forward to after a long day’s worth of work. Okay. See you at home. Home? Kyungsoo had no home.

He knew. He just knew. This isn’t the first time this happened. Tonight he just wanted to enjoy a nice, romantic, candle lit dinner with Jongin. Silently hoping that he would at least give Kyungsoo this time of day. Tonight. Just tonight. But who was he kidding? Jongin has been giving him nothing but half replies of I’m okay, I’m not hungry, already had dinner with the boss, goodnight kyungsoo

I love you, Jongin

Me too

Me too? Me too?! If that didn’t give Kyungsoo the clue that something was wrong then I don’t know what the will. That happened a few months back but Kyungsoo didn’t say anything because he was scared. Scared that he’ll be left alone again. Scared to admit to himself that maybe maybe Jongin found someone better.

But that was before.

After months and months more of Jongin avoiding Kyungsoo whenever they were at home, Jongin having dinner with his boss, Jongin coming home late from said dinner, Jongin refusing all of Kyungsoo’s ual advances, jongin jongin jongin, Kyungsoo finally realized that Jongin isn’t Jongin anymore. At least to him.

He parked just around the corner of Jongin’s office building because he needed to see. He wanted to see who Jongin’s boss was. And lo and behold, Jongin comes out of the building with a man in tow. The man was significantly shorter than Jongin with hair color like a mix of brown and grey. Kyungsoo recognized him immediately.

Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun.

To say that Kyungsoo was shocked to see Baekhyun leaving with Jongin from his workplace was a grave understatement. He was mortified. Because last time he remembered Baekhyun wasn’t a Journalist nor was he working with anything related to writing or publishing. Baekhyun was a barista working at the local pub that Jongin and Kyungsoo visit all the time. He had been working there ever since dropping out from college, Baekhyun had informed them.

His heart was thundering inside his chest, not wanting to witness the scene in front of him, he stepped on the gas and drove to the direction of their home.

Kyungsoo drew himself a bath and cried like his life depended on it and afterwards dressed in a loose gray sweater and some old sweats. Maybe he shouldn’t have gone to Jongin’s workplace like that so he didn’t have to witness seeing his man with some barista from their local pub. But why Baekhyun? Why? Why? Why?!

That was Kyungsoo’s breaking point. How was Baekhyun any better from him? Is it because Baekhyun was cheerier that he was? Was it because Baekhyun talked a lot more? Was it because he had broader shoulders than Kyungsoo? What is it that Baekhyun has that he doesn’t?!

In the middle of Kyungsoo’s internal struggle with his insecurities, Jongin came through the door of the apartment cautiously. He spotted Kyungsoo sitting on the sofa with his head hung low and a mug of tea in his hands.

“Why are you still up, Kyungsoo? I told you I would be home late tonight, didn’t I? You shouldn’t have waited for me.”

“How was dinner with Baekhyun?” Jongin looked genuinely surprised hearing Kyungsoo’s words

“Wha-“

Kyungsoo placed his mug on the table with a loud thud, spiling some of the hot tea on his and scalding his skin. For a moment he wondered what hurt more, the stinging of his appendage or the dull ache in his chest.

“I saw you leaving your office with Baekhyun. Why?” He should win the Baeksang awards for how well he kept a straight face when his insides were twisting violently accompanied by his sudden need to throw up.

There is not a single word in the whole world

“What were you doing there? Are you following me now?!” Now Jonging even has the decency to get mad at him?

“No! I was supposed to pick you up for dinner, seeing that we haven’t shared a meal in months!”

“You should have called me before!” Jongin was so red now. Kyungsoo didn’t know if that was from his anger or from his embarrassment.

Kyungsoo gave off a dry laugh before standing up and sauntering towards the other man “I should have called?! Why should I? Would you have cancelled your plans with Baekhyun then?!” he punctured the name with a hard shove of Jongin’s body but Jongin barey moved from his position but he didn’t answer, instead he looked at Kyungsoo dead straight in the eyes and saw a set of emotions he had never seen from the former. Anger, resentment, sadness

Since meeting the older, he always gave off calmness and subtlety. Suddenly Jongin felt sick to his gut, like something dropped and anvil inside his stomach

“Kyungsoo, let’s talk abou-“ He felt a sharp pain to his right cheek and jaw before he realized that Kyungsoo had hit him.

“You want to talk?! Why didn’t you think of talking to me about what problems we, oh wait, you had before you went and ed around with Baekhyun?! You are an , do you know that? And for your information, even if I didn’t see anything tonight it was already obvious that you were seeing someone else. The next time you find a boyfriend and decide to cheat on him, think of better excuses instead of using the old ‘dinner with your boss’ card, okay?”

The next time…? What? Oh no, oh no oh god no, please don’t tell me…

“Are you leaving me? Kyungsoo… Kyungsoo please don’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I cheated on you but please please please don’t leave.”

Seeing Jongin kneeling, in front of him, almost made his resolve crumble. But no. Not this time. He wasn’t going to continue being blind.

“Then what do you suppose I do, Jongin? Stay here with you during the day knowing that you’re out with someone else during the night? I am not some kind of saint, Kim Jongin! I have feelings! I hurt too, okay?! Even more than you do but I never said anything because that’s how much I loved you!” loved… Jongin thinks.

The dullest knife just sawing back and forth

“Every night when you would come home, I never said anything because I didn’t want to lose you. To lose us. I wanted to be the stronger, better person. And I tried! I tried to understand you, I tried you live with the fact that I had to share you with someone else!”

Jongin couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t even have an excuse why did what he did. It started from one drunken mistake. But it was thrilling. The feeling that he was doing something that he wasn’t supposed to and that he could be caught at any given moment was exhilarating. And he knew by doing that he might have lost the greatest thing that will ever happen in his life

He stood up and held Kyungsoo by both hands. He held on so tight his knuckles turned white and he knew he would leave bruises on Kyungsoo’s hands. And that Kyungsoo will scold him in the morning about it and that he should have been more careful because Kyungsoo has a burn on his hand but it’s okay because Kyungsoo will kiss him and tell him that he’s not mad and that he should just remember never to do it again. In the morning

“Please. You can hate me all you want. Hit me, scream at me, punch me, you can do anything to me! Please just don’t leave me. Make me suffer all my life for everything I did to you, just please let me know that you’ll still be here. Inside this apartment. Inside our home. Because I can live with that! I just need to see you every day. Please, Kyung?”

This is so ing unfair. Why is Jongin doing this to him now? Why is Jongin crying and begging for him to stay? Jongin shouldn’t have the luxury to cry because he wasn’t the one who was cheated on. He wasn’t on the receiving end of this messed up love story.

This apology is months overdue but he was just so tempted to scoop Jongin up in a tight hug and tell him that it was okay. It was okay because Kyungsoo still loved him and that they should just forget but Kyungsoo can’t. He can’t forget. He doesn’t need to know the details of Jongin’s escapades with Baekhyun for it to tear him into a million pieces

“Jongin, do you love me?”

“Yes, yes I do. More than anything and anyone in this world.”

“More than you love Baekhyun?”

“I never loved him! I-I may have fooled around with him but I never loved him! It’s only you, Kyung. It always has and it always will be.”

And ripping through the softest skin there ever was

“Then do you know what I had to go through because of you? I endured so much for you. I prayed so hard that you would at least try working things out with me. Me, Jongin. Not with Baekhyun, not with someone else. It hurt so much. And I’m done with this. I’m done with you.” He forcefully ripped his hands out of Jongin’s hold and winced because the scald on his hand now had torn skin. He grabbed his keys and his wallet from the bowl from the glass coffee table and turned to walk out the door but stopped right in front of it

“You have work tomorrow, right? If you’re hungry, there’s still some leftovers from my dinner last night. Rest after you’ve eaten. You wouldn’t want Baekhyun to be worried about you. I’ll get my stuff the day after tomorrow. Bye.”

He left.

He really left.

Jongin stayed on his kneeling position, looking blankly at the navy blue carpet that Kyungsoo especially picked. He felt so numb. So stupid. So broken.

But he couldn’t even imagine how Kyungsoo felt. How Kyungsoo must’ve felt for months. How was he to know? He wasn’t there.

How were you to know?

---

Word vomit! idk this is unbeta-ed and title and lyrics are from Paramore's song with the same title

Somehow broken!kaisoo and infidelity always get to me

hmmm