I don’t know what made me do that call. Maybe it was that “Is it real?” coming from Jae during OUR call the other day. Maybe MY own need to know it was real and official. Years have passed since I’ve dialed that number; I didn’t even know if it was still working.

I know they talked once over the phone, just a few words. It was me and Junsu who had to pick up the pieces again that night. Just like we had done for too many nights in the past years. I always wondered how someone could love that deeply even after being hurt so badly.

Being Jaejoong’s best friend is the most amazing yet scaring thing in the world. I love him with all my soul (it’s not a coincidence that fans call us “soulmates”) but being beside him it’s like constantly riding a roller coaster, a very high and dangerous one.

When I had to send him off to the military I was a wreck. We drunk as if we were still twenty and then we cried and laughed and cried again. It’s hard to be separated to your every day anchor so suddenly. Junsu was a mess too but he used his busy schedule to avoid being seen crying. And I really can’t blame him: we made an effort to not let Jae see us too tired or sad. He had to carry all the weight for us after the law suit so we just wanted to give him something less to be worried of. No one knows but I was there that day. We stayed together since morning and then I convinced him to let me go with him. In the van, he cuddle up beside me and I held him tight, fighting my own sadness, my own inner war between the me who knew these two year from the of the entertainment would make him nothing but good; and the me who needed so desperately to know that he was just a call or a ride from me.

‘Chun-ah…’ he said while the car was waiting for the base’s passage to be lifted ‘I’ll call you every time I can. Will you call me too?’

I hugged him so tightly that I feared to break something ‘Yes’ I hid my face in his shaved hair, breathing his manly yet intoxicating scent one last time ‘Every time I can’. He smiled against my chest and then he disappeared, the faint echo of a ‘I love you, I’ll miss you’ lingering in the now empty car. 

The first time I called him after he enlisted was two months after. Junsu called him more than once and Jae was able to hear from his family but we never reached for each other and we knew it. It would have made the longing just heavier. So when he picked up the phone and practically moaned my name in my ear I couldn’t help but laugh and cry. It was a joked between us that we became addicted to each other, much to Junsu faked jealousy (If Jaejoong pampers someone that is Junsu for sure. Again, we think he kinda tried to compensate the loss of his real maknae by imposing the role on Junsu, JYJ maknae). The longing was there but after the initial moment of overwhelming feeling, we were able to have a nice chat. I already told you that being with him is like being on a roller coaster, not really knowing when it will go down; when after a moment of silence he asked me about His enlistment I was caught off guard. We rarely talk about him that directly, usually referring as them both and never using his given name. I didn’t know what to answer; there were rumors, tears during concerts, teasing words but no official statements yet.

So, basically, that’s how I found myself on Jae’s house couch (Junsu and I sometimes stay at his apartment, together or alone) phone pressed between ear and shoulder waiting for my ex leader and big brother to pick up. I think of myself as a brave man but confronting Yunho after all these years, after having battled with the sense of betrayal when they decided to not follow us and the consequences that THAT had on my best friend, was seriously challenging me. He picked up at the seventh ring.

‘Yoochun?’ his voice told me he was surprised and weary yet all I could think of was that he hadn’t delated my old number.

‘Ah…yes, hello Yunho hy-…’ I coffed and hurriedly corrected myself ‘-sshi…’ It felt wrong calling him that but had I the right to call him hyung after all this time?

‘Hi…’ I heard voices behind him, a thud and then silence.

‘Sorry, you were probably busy’

‘Don’t worry’ we both fell silent while I tried to find the right words ‘Is everything fine?’ he finally asked breaking the heavy atmosphere.

‘Yeah…yeah, everything’s fine’ I sighed and covered my eyes with a hand ‘you?’

I felt like I was a teenager again, trying to please him.

‘Yeah…’

Another long pause in which none of us talked.

‘Is Junsu fine?’

‘Yeah, busy with his musical…Changmin?’

‘Busy with his drama filming’

Silence again and then I heard him take a deep breath ‘Yoochun, why did you call?’

Really, why did a call? It still hurt so much that I could feel the tears collecting in my eyes.

‘Hyung’ I whispered and his breath hitched ‘are you really enlisting?’ the hand on my eyes dropped to my stomach to clench the hem of the t shirt I was wearing in a childish attempt to calm myself.

‘Yes I am’ he answered softly ‘July 21^st’

And my world scattered around me again. It was like the day Jae’s letter came. My hyungs, my friends, were going, were leaving me behind and when they are going to be released I will still serving my time, Junsu too. It should have surprised me how much it hurt to finally hear the words but who did I, any of us, wanted to fool? Years apart didn’t break the bond. Years of communication ban didn’t make us less closer.

I think all the five of us believe that what we had back then was more stronger than SM and their attempt on breaking it. They went close to it. They really did. But Jae and Yunho weren’t the only one with a special bond.

‘They are just two years, Chun-ah…’ how I missed his coaxing tone ‘You’ll be out shortly after us’ he tripped on the last word as if it was difficult for him to name Him as much as it was for Jae ‘Junsu and Changmin following soon’ he was trying to reassure.

‘He asked about it’ saying it gave me some of my strength left. Feeling the shift in the atmosphere between us told me that I finally had my turn for being the one coaxing ‘I called him yesterday and he asked if the rumors were true’

He stood quiet for a moment ‘Is…’ he tried after a while ‘is he ok?’ he cleared his throat to steady the voice and I sighed. Something will never change, no matter the years passing, like Yunho’s personal quest of being always the strong one.

‘He is. I think going to the army will do him good…he mopes a lot less than before’ I smiled knowing he will smile too.

‘Don’t let him hear you saying that he mopes’ he chuckled

‘Oh, he heard me and Junsy saying lots worse’ I replied grateful for the lighter atmosphere.

‘Why do you dongsaengs always like to tease us poor hyungs?’ I laughed openly now, well remembering how Changmin can be a hell of a teaser. I let him laugh with me for a while and then I changed topic again ‘Hyung’ he hummed in the phone giving me his attention ‘he misses you. We all do’.

‘We miss you too, Chun-ah, but there’s nothing we can do’ I wanted to say that it wasn’t true that if they just wanted to we could do everything because together we were Dongbanshinky, the Rising Gods of the East. But he sighed heavily in the phone and I couldn’t find the words ‘Changmin will be hell for days once he know I talked to you’

‘Yeah, Junsu too’

‘Say hi to him for us’

‘You too to Changmin’

And I knew the conversation was over, that he didn’t trust himself to go on without breaking.

‘I have to go’ he said not really wanting too.

‘Ok…one last thing, hyung’

‘What?’

‘Always keep the faith, hyung’

He took a deep breath ‘Always’ he replied with a shaky voice and then hung up.

‘Always’ I murmured at the silent phone.

Warm fingers combed through my hair and I jumped, surprised, before recognizing Junsu’s perfume. I leaned in the touch and for a moment I just enjoyed the silent comfort ‘Come here’ I finally said tapping the couch beside me. He climbed on it and I hugged him. We didn’t need words, we never did. Even during Jae worst breaks, hugs and physical contact worked better than words. So we just stayed there, two parts of five.

‘I miss him’

I didn’t know if he was referring to Yunho, Jaejoong or Changmin. I think all of them as one. I remembered there was a time I couldn’t really tell were one of us begun and the other ended. It was still like that for us three and not feeling the other two still created a hole that nobody was able to fill.

‘I miss him too’

And maybe Yunho was right; maybe there was still nothing we could do. But I firmly believe in what me and Jae had tattoed on our chests, so I won’t ever stop saying that we are part of TVXQ; we ARE TVXQ; we WILL always be TVXQ. 

Credit : _generosita . 
Shared by  DBSK / TVXQ / JYJ ITALIA

Author's note: i'm sorry...but today i really have strong ot5 feelings...