Coldness striking and stabbing at my body like sharp knives.

Much like the feeling I have when I see him. What is it about him? That makes my knees weaken and my heart feels as if it's going to leap out of my chest... I've never felt this way. Not with anyone, but him. He has... a certain quality. A quality that I can’t seem to find in other girls.

Snow. Drifting ever so slowly outside my window.

Ice. Sending chilling feeling to my hands. Making them stiff.

The stiffness I obtain when he's near. How is it that he can manage to do this to me? The way he looks at me with those bright, glistening brown eyes. The way he smiles. A smile that makes the blood run to my face though he resembled a bunny and my heart beat faster and faster. I want to face him. But, I can't. Not without making a fool of myself. I run from him. I now find myself sitting here. In my own room. Alone. As it has always been. As it will always be.

The snow is becoming heavier. Falling rapidly and landing into mounds upon the ground. The wind howls as it whirls about the snow, blowing them into different directions.

Confusion is filling my head. Confusion of what to do. Do I live my life like this? Pretend these... feelings never existed? Can I do that without breaking down one day because the thought of not being with him becomes too strong? Why must I suffer because I ... I...

Love him...

My thoughts become clouded when I try to speak to him now. My voice mutes. But he does have the right to know. Just because I don't know if he feels the same... doesn't mean I shouldn't tell him. This won't affect him. It doesn't matter if I live the rest of my life in reject. Rejected by the one I truly love. I close my eyes, cold winds from the outside enters into my room from a small crack in the window. I see his face. Not only now, but twenty-four hours a day. Seven days a week. And I can't stop. I can't restrain myself from thinking about him. From loving him. My heart aches when I see him. When I think of the fact that I won’t be able hold him in my arms. Only then and there, I feel that he is safe. That I can protect him from all harm or all fans.

The midnight blue sky is clouded. Clouded with the snow.

I never want to see him unhappy. I never want to see him hurt. Even if it means the sacrifice myself. I'm willing to accept that. Nervousness makes my blood run cold and I feel lightheaded. Is that what is stopping me? Stopping me from saying the words I've wanted to say? Or is it the feeling of possible reject? How does he feel about me? I see the way he looks at me. It's no different from the way he looks at the other members. Isn't it?

The ground is completely covered with snow. Every single inch of it. Covered with the icy white powder.

So am I only a friend in his eyes? Probably what I'll always be thought of. Would I rather tell him and have him feel uncomfortable around me, or would I rather keep quiet and go through the painstaking feeling of not knowing what could have been?

I want to hold him. Feel his warm breath on my neck. Feel his heart beat gently. And whisper my true feelings to him. So much meaning on these words. A friendship. A feel of trust and comfort around each other. My heart has never experienced such... complex emotions. Emotions that continuously taunt me. That urge me to walk up to him and say that I love him. But it'll never be that easy. Never.

I can hear the wind whistling. Whistling outside my window.

The snowflakes falling. Falling with grace and beauty. Though, never to be compared to the beauty of him.

His hair as soft as silk. His twinkling brown eyes, filled with never-ending joy. His light peach-toned skin. His amazing voice that echoes in my head. The definition of beauty.

Feelings. Haunting feelings that repeat over and over to me that he won't be there forever. That I must act fast before it's too late. That I must express how much I love him and how much he means to be before something happens and I can't. I don't even want to think of what I'll do if I someday won't be able to see him again. If someday I won't be able to wrap my arms around him and embrace him for eternity. This not knowing what to do is unbearable. I have just never felt like this before, not with a girl, most definitely not with a boy. I've been by myself for my entire life. It'll probably stay like that, too. He's just so... different. Different from the thousands of other girls out there. They don't make my heart beat like crazy. They don't cause stabbing feelings inside of me. He does. I don't understand how he does it, but he does. And he doesn't even know it.

The winds have calmed down. Changing its violent howls into an easy breeze.

Simplicity. Exactly the opposite of my feelings. When others see him, they mainly just see a handsome boy from a boy band. In my eyes, I see the one my heart has chosen. The one in which I will do anything to protect. I don't ignore my feelings. Though I have tried. Have tried to say that they do not exist. That they are just the result of my mind playing games with me. That I do not have the painful feelings I do about him. That I do not love him.

The snow has decreased its numbers. The skies becoming more clear.

Sandeul. How do you do it? How? How can you make my head dizzy and my voice stop working with just a smile? Could these feelings just be because of my gullibility? That something or someone has somehow convinced me that I have feelings for Sandeul? Is this all a lie? But, how can a lie cause so much agony? Why can't I just stop making up excuses for my emotions and face the reality? The reality I'm too afraid to see.

Never has such sensations entered my heart. Sensations that burn and make my heart feel as if someone has taken hold of it and twisted it.

The humid air fogs up the window, making it unable to see through. Clouding up the transparency.

How? How could I ever think he'd love someone like me? I picture him in my head. Memories of the past appear. From the first day we met... to today ... he's thought of me as nothing more than... a friend. When I first caught a glimpse of him face, staring into his eyes from the dance studio... I never knew that… this boy, this boy shuddering in fear while I watched him, would be the cause of the everlasting wounds in my heart. We were never really fighting. Although, I acted a lot like it. Torturing him, insulting him, giving him angry glares. Do I regret it? Do I regret making him cry? Do I regret the way I treated him? Amazingly... no, I don't.

Light shines into my dark room. Where I sit, alone and silent. Light from the moon, peering in from a small crack in the window.

If I hadn't said the things I did in the past, would he still be the determined, strong, and independent person he is today? Do I feel as if my words somehow inspired him? I don't know. The same answer I have to all my other questions.

I don't know.

I punish myself when I run away from him. Right when I finally have enough nerve to stand in front of him and try to say I love him, I turn around and run. The future is unknown. But I must face it. Good or bad. And if I want even the slightest chance of him being in mine, I have to tell him. I can't let my mind go blank when I encounter him. I can't let my mouth dry up and my face start to burn.

The window clears up. Revealing the dark night sky, peaceful stars hanging upon it, glistening like perfectly cut diamonds. The snow lays upon the ground. The breeze slows down.

I battle with these feelings. The thought of winning and victory in my mind. How senseless of me. Thinking that if I ignore and neglect feelings that are so strong that they keep me awake at night, they'll suddenly disappear, never to return. Yet, I continue to fight them. Day and night. Night and day. Continuously. But one thing I've learned from all this fighting...

I've lost.

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