I lie in my bed contemplating whether I should call him or not. I miss his voice and I want to tell him about that essay he helped med with. I take a deep breathe as I click his caller ID and wait for him to pick up. I feel some weird knot growing inside my stomach and I can not really figure out why. Am I really that nervous? What for? 

He answers. "Hello?" he says, sounding as bored and tired as always. Silence spreads between us as I feel my hope sink. This wasn't going to be as fun as I had imagined. I try to say a cheerful hello back but then silence erupts us once again. Why did it always feel so stiff nowadays? 

"What are you doing?" I ask trying to keep the awkwardness away. 

"Just lying in my bed, I worked out today it was nice" he says with a monotone voice. I roll over in my bed and face the wall, hugging the plushie he gave me after our first date. 

"Guess what?" I ask. "You know that essay I asked you to help me with? I got an A!" I cheerfully sing. I can hear him laugh on the other side of the phone.

"Fun, I got so much positive feedback from my music teacher today and I also got an A on that english assignment. Cool huh?". And there he goes again. I can only swallow my own happiness and fill myself up with his talks about himself. Kai is never good at listening to others fortune. He always need to make it about himself. Why couldn't this be about me, just for once? He knows how much I worked on that essay, heck. I was almost at the verge of tears when I called him that night! What was he talking about now? How he went out with other people? This again? I hug the plushie tighter and take a deep breathe once again.

I try to lighten the mood and for a few moments there I think I succeeded. But I can’t just be happy about that now could I? I just have to ask and ruin the moment before we hang up.

"I miss you, why can't I come see you?" I finally say and I wish I hadn't. Silence surrounds us and the mood is growing more and more cold. 

"Not this again, why are you always bringing it up?" Kai says. I gulp hard and sit up in the middle of my bed. I look out through the window to my right and see the night sky turn more black by the second, much like my heart. 

"Why were you seeing those girls? Alone? Why was it so important for me NOT to come?" I ask him with a soft voice, I can feel my throat thickening up as I wait for him to answer. There's long pause and a loud sigh.

"I don't know okay? I just didn't feel like hanging out with you okay?" ouch. I can feel a stab to my heart as he continues ”we only watched a couple of movies geez”.

”How come you can’t watch movies we me then?” I rock myself back and forth while waiting.

”It’s just different. We have more fun” he blunts out and I inhale sharply.

”Okay” Is all I can say as I feel the tears rise to my eyes. 

”Ugh, we do other stuff as well, you know that” 

”Why can’t you do those things with me then? Why couldn’t I come along?” 

”It just wouldn’t be the same” he says with a loud sigh. I don’t know what to say and the both of us are quiet. After what feels like minutes he finally speaks. His voice darker than normal.

”I’m gonna go to bed now, good night” and with that he hangs up. I drop my phone onto my bed and break down into tears. I hold the plushie as tight as I can and it still doesn’t feel like there’s no way anything will ever get better. I cry for hours and can’t sleep. I am just so heart broken. How could we ever end up like this? How could I be so stupid? Why couldn’t I just stop at the happy part of our conversation? Why did I have to make it worse? All these questions flooded my mind. I knew he was wrong too. But somehow I can never stay mad at Kai for very long. Even though the things he does kills me inside I always find a way to forgive him. Even if he was the one who hurt me. 

I pick up the phone once again only to throw it against the wall. How does he have this effect on me? Why can’t I resist? Am I really that weak? Who have I become? When did this become me? Why do I always things up? 

I try to find ways stick to my gut in the situation. I knew Kai was wrong, he had hurt me deeper than ever before. He slept with another girl that time, Sehun had told me. Then why was it so hard to make myself understand that he was not to be forgiven this time? I start to feel my blood boil as I pretend the poor plushie is Kai. I punch and rip and throw it all over the room. I cry as I do so and I tell it what I feel. 

Though deep inside I know that I will once again pick up that phone and tell him I’m sorry and that I love him. Because I can not stay mad at him. It’s just the control he has over me.  And I hate myself for it.

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A/N: i guys! As you  might notice I have changed my style and I am back with a short chapter. Enjoy!