No matter how many times he has spent on research already, Jongin does not think he knows enough to draw Sehun. Surely, he does not have to draw Sehun the way he is. He could alter Sehun's personality to make it easier for himself, but stubborn as he is, Jongin wants to stay with his original plan: drawing Sehun as close to what he is in real life as possible. After all, Sehun as he is makes the perfect manhwa protagonist already.

Unable to understand Sehun with all his reasoning and his feelings though, Jongin is forced to go back to talk to Sehun once again. There is an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach but he ignores it. It might be just the stress and his anxiety mixed together, the fear of losing his secure position at the publishing house, he tells himself, and not the weird feeling he got after his last conversation with Sehun bubbling up again.

The moment he enters the coffee shop, Jongin feels a bit calmer. Things are no different from usual. Sehun greets him as friendly as ever, a welcoming smile on his lips and a light beam in his eyes. Jongin sits at the same table he usually occupies and his drink is brought to his table, neatly arranged on the saucer with a cookie and a packet of sugar. The music in the background is relaxing and the smell of coffee, vanilla and chocolate is as calming as ever. When the last customer is served, Sehun walks over to him, without needing Jongin to ask him to. It is almost a habit now, Sehun coming over so they could talk.

"Hey," Sehun greets and Jongin looks up from his sketchbook.

"Hi." He tries a smile.

"I thought you said you would be too busy to come here for a while," Sehun says, fiddling with his fingers.

"Because I thought so," Jongin replies, putting his sketchbook aside. "But I realized there are still a lot of things I do not know about you yet and I am not sure if I will be able to portray you correctly."

Sehun nods. "But you do not need to make your protagonist exactly the way I am, right?"

It takes some time until Jongin can actually reply. "Right. But I want to."

The barista seems genuinely surprised by that, eyes widening just the slightest, and the small grin on his face growing. Jongin wonders briefly if Sehun is one of those people wanting to become famous as well. Jongin will of course mention where his inspiration to draw this new series derives from, and people will surely be curious enough to check the coffee shop out as well as the staff. Sehun with his handsome face will surely become popular.

The want to become famous does not seem to fit with Sehun's personality though. Sehun is more the type to enjoy and appreciate the small things in life, rather than money and fame. Or at least that is the impression Jongin has.

"Sit down. There are a few more questions I would like to ask," Jongin adds and Sehun does that, sitting down with his elbows propped up on the table and chin resting on a hand. Jongin has seen Sehun close up like this a few times, but each time Sehun's natural beauty - as much as he dislikes using this word, especially for males - stuns him. Today, too, Sehun looks impeccable. Before the artist can get too absorbed in those hazel eyes though, he looks down at his notes.

"Question number one. What are your hobbies?"

Sehun blinks. "Uhm... making coffee and sleeping?"

Jongin does not show the irritation on his face, at least he tries not to. "Question number two then. What do you do in your free time?"

"I check the materials in stock and do the accounting for the shop. I double check everything. I try to create new drinks, too."

"That's not really free time then. Is not that work, too?"

"It is," Sehun says slowly. "But it is not like I do not like doing these things."

"It is still not considered free time though," Jongin points out. "Free time means time not related to work and by doing those things that are actually revolved around your shop means you are actually working and not enjoying your free time."

Sehun does not reply and purses his lips instead, and Jongin interprets it as a reluctantly admitted defeat. Of course Sehun would have to give in as Jongin's words and arguments make more sense. At the same time, the silence between them is becoming irritating, and so Jongin continues with the interview.

"What was your dream? Did you ever have a dream? Some goal you wanted to reach?"

The barista keeps quiet for a while, gaze directed to the half empty mug on the table. Jongin waits and almost speaks up again when Sehun finally opens his mouth, voice as quiet as a whisper.

"I wanted to become a barista. This coffee shop has always been my dream."

Jongin frowns and he sees the expression mirrored on the other's face.

"A different dream," Jongin says then, unbelieving.

"There is no other dream," Sehun admits.

"Are you serious?" Jongin does not like his own voice rising like that, but he cannot help it. Sehun seems stubborn and is absolutely not acting the way Jongin wants him to. He hates it, hates when characters develop their own quirks that do not fit the plot he has planned for them.

"Yeah. I never thought about anything else," Sehun mumbles, head hanging low. On other days Jongin might feel bad for intimidating Sehun or for crashing his mood, but today Jongin is too frustrated to think straight. Sehun's replies feel too much like a personal attack, as silly as it sounds. Because Sehun is everything Jongin should have been. Sehun is the kind of person who is loved by parents and friends because he has a gentle, pleasant nature, whereas Jongin throws tantrums, insisting on everything to go his way. Sehun is the perfect filial son, too perfect, and Jongin just wishes he wasn't, because now he is comparing himself to Sehun. Sehun is a friend and should not be seen as a rival.

It is too late now though. Their friendly relationship has shifted into something different the moment Jongin packs his things and gets up to leave without another word.





Sometimes Jongin hates himself. He wishes he was a different person. And now he wishes he was more like Sehun.





Jongin wonders when things started to go wrong. Was it when he decided to defy his parents? Or was it a long time before? Was it when he won the first price with his drawings for the first time? Was it the first time his parents praised him for his obvious talent in drawing and painting? Was it the moment he held a pencil in his hand for the first time, drawing random patterns that filled him with content? Jongin does not know and thinking about it causes him not only a headache, but heartache, too. He loves drawing, but at times he feels lonely. His assistants don’t stay over at night, usually, and they do not talk much to him because Jongin prefers to work in silence. He misses social interactions, but most of all, he misses his family. He misses having a family.





Kim Jongin at the age of three is a quiet boy. He is not as loud as the other kids in his class, preferring to sit inside with the girls and drawing pictures. There are a few other boys sitting there with him, trying to craft swords and fold hats, but Jongin is not into that. Instead he uses colorful crayons to draw his mother, his father, his best friend Kyungsoo and his teacher. He draws his house, the Han river he visited last week, the tree right next to his kindergarten. He draws the neighbor's cat and Pororo, the ducks he was feeding the day before and the dog he saw in the park. Jongin draws and draws, and he does not stop. His eyes are sparkling and it is with fascination that he sees a red square turning orange when his blue crayon runs over it, and for the first time in his life, Jongin is in love. He does not know that it is his love and passion yet, but he learns it over the years as he grows up and broadens his range of vocabulary.

His parents are always right there, watching over him with loving eyes. Their son is growing up well, diligent in his studies and obedient. He listens well and loves his parents as much as they love him. But parental love in his early years does not mean the same as parental love when Jongin is in his teenage years. Mrs. Kim is barely at home, and although Jongin is used to not have his father around at all times, it does affect him when his mother is not at home anymore.

Jongin is starting elementary school when his mother starts picking up work again. She might have taken a break from work for several years to tend to her only son, but that has not stopped her from working on documents and calculations at home. After all, she helps her husband with his company, and once Jongin is old enough to go to school, Mrs. Kim works full time again. Being a secretary and personal assistant to her husband means leaving home for business trips though, both parents going abroad to settle business, leaving a young child at home with a relative.

Jongin's aunt is a friendly woman, full of love for her nephew who has to spend so much time apart from his parents. And he receives that much more love for being a good child, doing his homework and getting extra praise from his teachers for his drawings that have been improving over the years. Childish, uncontrolled lines are now replaced by measured , random colors replaced by ones who have been chosen for a wanted harmonic or contrasting effect. Jongin's paintings give an insight to his feelings and wants, mostly pictures of a family, of a house, of idyllic, serene scenes. And each time his parents come back to find his painting being put up for an exhibition, they praise him and tell him what a talented, wonderful son he is, for not being only smart but creative, too. When Mr. Kim ruffles his son's hair, telling how proud he is, Jongin could not be any happier.

But of course, happiness does not last forever. It never does. When at first, his parents have given him pocket money to spend on paintbrushes and colors, investing money in art classes and personal art teachers to tutor him at home and to hone his talent, they are less pleased to find him spending all of his time in front of a canvas or at his desk – to draw, and not to study. Their conversations shift. It is not about what art competition Jongin has signed up for next, but it is about his choice of school. What about that one prestigious middle school half an hour away? Or the one famous for educating the most promising managers and business strategists of the nation? How does that one school with a special program supported by Yonsei University sound? Or would Jongin rather prefer to attend Seoul National later? Definitely not Korea University, as his father is a Yonsei graduate. Jongin can only stay mum, because the school of his dreams is none of that, but Seoul Arts Academy. And as for middle school, he just wants to go to the local one with all his friends. Are public schools not just as good as private ones anyways?

For one whole year, every conversation with his parents has been a talk about which middle school to go to, despite Jongin not participating. It is only his parents arguing. Jongin gets a headache during the rare times he has dinner with his parents, often gulping down his food as fast as possible so he can excuse himself with being busy with homework. His parents are okay with that, not bothering as they pick up their talk, throwing statistics of the different schools and their evaluation at each other as Jongin walks to his room. His heavy heart only lightens when he starts drawing, watching with the same fascination as in his childhood when watercolors mix together into different hues. The result might not always be a usable color or a beautiful one, but Jongin loves watching the way they mix nonetheless.

When Jongin starts middle school, he feels small and sad and forlorn as he walks down an unknown hallway filled with strangers. There is no Do Kyungsoo to walk to class with him. Instead, Jongin is driven to school every day. There is no Byun Baekhyun to talk his ears off. Instead, Jongin finds himself surrounded by students talking to each other but not paying any attention to him. It is okay, he comforts himself, and in the quiet corners of the library he indulges in his passion, sketching out as much as possible, scenes that he wants to put on his big canvas at home.

It is in middle school that Jongin discovers Western comics, Japanese manga and Korean webcomics. He immerses himself into them, loving them even more than his paintings. After all, the creators express themselves through their comics, directing messages to readers who are willing to listen, or create worlds for themselves and everyone else to escape to. Jongin with no one to listen to him is happy to find a new way to talk. He starts drawing short comics.

He starts uploading his own artworks soon, cataloguing and categorizing them neatly right from the start. He is happy with that. But soon enough, his drawings draw the attention of bloggers and fans as he starts off with fanarts and doujinshis to his most favorite series. Unlike majority of male readers, Jongin does not love the action series in Shounen Jump the most, but is madly in love with heart wrenching love stories, slice of life that reminds him of the real world. Those touch him the most, despite being fiction, yet they are so close to reality, what with the struggles for love, for recognition, for a tiny bit of attention. Jongin struggles, too, struggles desperately for all three, yet he receives none, at least not from the people he needs it the most. Well, he does get some love and attention, he thinks, when he wakes up one day to read the first ever comment he receives online. Not from his parents, but this is still better than having no one at all.

You are an amazing person. I love your drawings, but I love the story you created, too. Keep going! Fighting!!!

It starts from there. Little by little, Jongin's drawings garner a little crowd of fans and admirers. Jongin thrives off it, but he does not lose his footing. He does not get arrogant, but he is thankful for every little word of encouragement instead. And encouragement it is when they tell him that he would make it big one day, that they would buy his volumes if he was to publish a manhwa ever. Scared of the outcome but excited at the same time, Jongin follows a reader's suggestion and sends in his first original artwork - the story has always been his, but now the characters are entirely created by himself, too. And when he gets a letter congratulating him on winning first prize, Jongin knows he has made the right decision.

Apparently, the publishing house he sent his short story to is interested in his works. They send him Chanyeol, a young and inexperienced, but devoted editor as contact. Chanyeol is the one who goes through his portfolio and promises him they would make it big together; a manhwa artist is nothing without a good editor after all. How true Chanyeol's words prove to be, at that time Jongin does not know. He is only sixteen and an aspiring talent and very much green.

It is Chanyeol who encourages him to try entering another competition, a bigger one that grants him a chance to get his story published. Being one of the three winners will guarantee him an easier entrance into the business, Chanyeol has told him. Maybe it was then that Jongin has decided for himself to stick with that career, foregoing whatever his parents tell him and want him to be. It is not like they actually care about what he is doing either. They focus on his grades at school, but that is about all. Not once have they been asking how he has been feeling for the past few years.





"Jongin," Chanyeol breathes out and Jongin feels goosebumps forming. He hates to hear people breathing out like that, especially when he is forced to hear them so loudly over his phone. At the same time he is dreading what Chanyeol has to say now. Chanyeol might not be the editor-in-chief, but as an apprentice he has been allowed to go into the meeting to observe and learn, and thus he has been to the meeting discussing on the winners for that one contest Jongin has joined. Does he want to know the results?

"First of all," Chanyeol says and Jongin sits down on his bed. His heart is pounding fast and he is not sure if he can keep listening to the other. He might have to throw up with all this nervousness, he might faint.

"I want you to know that being the number one in competitions like these is not the most important. The editors' and chief editor's opinions and reviews are the most important and helpful to a rookies like you." Oh. Jongin's stomach drops. Of course. What did he expect? Winning first prize, getting published immediately and becoming a nationwide loved manhwa artist? That is too good to be true.

"Listen," Chanyeol continues on, ignoring Jongin's lack of response. "Just because you did not get first prize does not mean you should give up. The editors had only praise for you. You do really well in the drawing department. Your drawing is steady throughout the fifty pages and they praised you for cleanliness. You have an eye for panel partition and all the technical stuff. Your stories are really good, too. You just need to work more on characterization and how to word things, but that's a thing I can help you with. It was not enough for first prize, but you won third prize. Congratulations, Jongin. Your story will be published."

Chanyeol's rush of words has been a little too much for Jongin to process, but when he does a few minutes later, his eyes well up in tears and Jongin keeps thanking the other. There are no words for the mix of relief, happiness, gratitude and determination within him. After this one first major success, Jongin just knows that he can’t stop anymore. high school, he thinks. I'll become manhwa artist.





His parents are having none of these of course. When he brings up the topic of his own future wishes, they shut him off. Jongin is not used to hear harsh words from his parents; at least he is not used to being called an ungrateful brat, a bad son, a disappointment. He bites down the retort he so badly wants to throw at them. After all, he cannot hurt his parents, even if they hurt him. He remembers too vividly his mother's kind words and his father's proud gaze as he tells a five-year old Jongin what a wonderful child and a gift he is. Jongin blinks, forcing the tears back down as his hands ball into fists at his sides.

Jongin is known to be stubborn, and even with his parents disagreeing with him, he does not let them deter him from doing what he has always wanted to do: expressing himself through art. He keeps in contact with Chanyeol, still drawing, even as he is attending that one expensive private high school that his parents send him to.

Chanyeol becomes his best friend and supporter during that time, always planning and plotting with Jongin. What they do is not entirely legal, as Jongin needs his parents’ consent, but no one knows that Jongin has been using his father's name stamp and faking his signature for all the legal documents he needs to be signed for each and every story that he gets published and is paid for.

Despite his hatred for lies and deceit, Jongin has no other option if he wants to stay on this path. The professional fee he gets is wired on a savings account that Chanyeol is keeping for him, just so he can use it in case he needs it. And Jongin knows that he will need it. Once he finishes high school, he wants to move into an own studio apartment to follow his dreams. Being with his parents he would never be able to, as they will pose their wishes on him and with his own want to please his parents he will most probably obey and give up his own wants one day. Like this though, he is still holding onto a little but strong enough thread of hope to keep him going.

Jongin works day and night. When he is finished with homework and a bit of studies, enough to keep his grades at the same level, he would start drawing. When his parents are at home, his room is locked, so they cannot catch him in the act. Not that it is necessary though. As long as he says he is studying for another test or preparing a project for school, his parents do not enter his room even once. As long as his performance does not drop, they do not see a need to intervene and check up on him, and Jongin is glad they leave him alone. They don’t even send him to a hakweon, believing that he is doing fine on his own. Their son is smart after all, they keep saying, and Jongin pretends to be happy when his father looks proud as he ruffles through Jongin's hair. He pretends not to hear his heart breaking because the only time his father is proud is when he sees the fake image of himself that Jongin has built up over the years. Where is the pride and love for Jongin for simply being Jongin?





It is almost too easy. Jongin has graduated just today. His parents have attended the ceremony, both standing happy and proud next to a tired looking, yet still smiling Jongin. They have seen him go on stage and accept his graduation diploma. Jongin is sure that next to the family picture of him being squeezed between both his parents, there will be dozens more of him on that stage for each award and extra nominations he had gotten.

It hurts when he thinks about it and maybe it is not that easy. Jongin wants to leave home and he is standing in front of the entrance door, a small suitcase filled with only the few drawing utensils he still has left here, as well as his photo albums and a few other prized possessions. His clothes will be left behind as he does not want to take things with him that he can buy with his own money. Jongin keeps lingering there, waiting for something to happen. Maybe his parents will be back, telling him that they are not going on that business trip anymore. Or maybe they will take a flight tomorrow instead. After all, it is their only son's graduation day; how can they not have dinner to celebrate with him?

When Jongin receives a phone call from Chanyeol ten minutes later, he knows that is the sign to leave. He is legal now, not dependent on his parents, and he does no