Jongdae found himself sitting on the floor, his legs sprawled out and back against the wall. The room was dark and quiet, if he talked he was afraid it'll echo right back to his ears. His fingers gently tapped against the wooden floor, in an off beat rhythm to some sad song he heard a while back. Honestly, he isn't sure what he wants to do right now, half of him wants to sleep and the other half wants to jump off the roof. The only source of light is the laptop sitting on his bed, the wallpaper is of some japanese singer he's found himself obsessed with.

He chuckles at himself.

Nothing more entertaining than staring at a japanese idol who is wearing too much make-up and smiling way too big. Yeah, he's laughing at that. Not that fact that's he's conflicted on sleeping or dying at 3 in the morning. No, it's definitely not the latter one.

His throat hurts and he feels weak and sore. He's debating on just closing his eyes and sleeping right there on the floor but he knows that it'll be hell for him in the morning when his back hurts and he can't get up. So he tells himself, that he'll get up soon because really the floor is cold and uncomfortable. He tries to imagine what his friends would think if they just came in and found him hanging from the ceiling. Not that he is thinking about doing that, hanging himself would be a waste of rope. He wonders who would care more out of his group of friends, Luhan? Minseok? Yixing?

Joonmyun.

He thinks Joonmyun would care more. Not that the others don't love him, but he's found that Joonmyun is like a caring mother, he seems to worry about everything, whether the guys are eating or not to listening to their breathing to see if they are having any breathing issue. Jongdae thinks he likes Joonmyun. He isn't sure why though, maybe it's because he cares. Or maybe it's because Jongdae thinks he's beautiful, in all his pale glory, milky smooth skin and pink lips. He thinks Joonmyun's eyes are like the softest shade of brown, he likes the way they fill with worry when Jongdae frowns, the way they light up when Jongdae decides to smile. Jongdae really likes Joonmyun when he smiles. Pink lips curving upwards, eyes turning into half moons. He covers his mouth sometimes though and Jongdae wishes he would tell him not to because his smile is so so beautiful.

And maybe it's kind of sad to think about Joonmyun when he's also thinking about sleep and killing himself.

He pushes himself off the floor, the wooden creaking underneath him. He's not sure what he's doing him he lets out a scream, the sound echoing throughout the house, fading into nothing. His throat hurts from not talking and from the sudden scream. It feel like sandpaper and nails, but it can't compare to the pain he is feeling inside. His heart is beating rather fast now, like it's telling him it's almost time to decide what he has to do.

“Joonmyun.” The name falls from his lips easily, like honey dripping off a spoon. It's a whisper, soft and filled with sorrow. He's not sure why he feels sad now thinking about the small male. Why he frowns when he thinks of Joonmyun's smile? He's not sure. But he accepts this as a way of letting go, rather than holding onto sharp edges.

He finds himself on the edge of the window, the lights of cars blinding him for a second, there are few noises, people talking under their breathes, animals, the sound of the wind is his favorite. It somehow soothes him, calms his racing heart. Though it does make his lips dry and his eyes water. The latter he's not sure if it's the wind or himself actually crying. It isn't until the warm tears are rolling down his cheeks and a sob breaks through his body, it feels like he's been hit by a train. He tells himself, there is no going back, slowly he wobbles to the edge of the ledge, toes curling against cool stone.

For a moment, he thinks everything has gone quiet. Jongdae sighs softly at the peace but that peace is so interrupted by harsh wind blowing against his face and for a second he hears a cracking down, sharp pain spreads throughout his body then, there is nothing.

Nothing.

No pain, no sound, no feel, no sight.

Jongdae knows now, he can rest peacefully without having the world crush down on him. If he could smile, he would.

He's free now.