I need you girl.

It would seem that we have grown accustomed to each other for those six years. I remember when I saw you for the first time. I was very shy and you made me even more shy by your adorable smile, that you gave me back then. Do you remember, when after couple of practises we were getting closer and closer to each other? After debiut of 4Minute we started to spend more time outdoors, we were making use of our free time and were happy that we could spend some time together, us five. We were trying to support each other as best as we could, Jihyun became a second mother for us, she was trying to copy family ambiance and give it to us, in dorm. I am thankful for it yet.

During various recordings and interviews I started to feel the need to be close to you. Gayoon was overtly showing me when I should stop doing some things. She didn't mind at all why I am doing the things I do, she just didn't want girls to feel uncomfortable. But I think she wasn't blind and she knew, that you captivated me with your personality. When I only had an opportunity , I was holding your arm with both of my hands, I was holding you strong as you would stand up and go away. In that moment I wanted you only for myself. You didn't reject me, didn't drew away, because you were uninteresed about that. No, stop, undo. Maybe not uniteresed, you just didn't mind it, and with time it seemed that you even wanted it. You should know that in that moment you stole my heart. Since that moment I started believe in real love.

We went out from our dorm before midnight to see fireworks. Girls stayed home, because they didn't want to go out just to feel cold air. In my opinion it wasn't that cold, it's just the wind that was cold and temperature fell down in night. We were walking on narrow alley, in direction of big square, where was big crowd of people already. They all seemed to be in wonderful mood and the air was filled with excitement and happiness. I perfectly remember that I took your hand and you only smiled. You didn't take it away, which made me happy and gave me hope that I'll find bravery to tell you something very important. We were forcing our way through to have view as best as we could for firework show. We finally did it, we were almost on the front, so there was no problem with the view area and surroundings. Counting started. I looked at you, giving you the sweetest smile I only could give you. And you returned it with your adorable smirk and after a while we heard bumping of fireworks. People around us were screaming with happiness, hardly ever we could see that kind of shows in our town and just now the city organised it. I took both of your hands and looked deep in your eyes, seeing sparkles of happiness. I felt my heart beating as fast as it could just jump out from my chest. Your touch was causing me a pleasant chills, that came through my whole body, and there was warm filling my heart, caused by your presence and your gestures. I decided that it's the right moment. I moved my face closer to yours and doubted if it was right, but I touched our lips togheter, closing them in a kiss filled with emotions. At the beggining you were shocked, but then you kissed me back, and I swear that moment was the happiest in my life. Your lips's taste was a mixture of rasberries and alcohol, that we drinked before. But I knew that few percent drinked today didn't affected on what was happening now. After a while I took step back, but didn't let your hands. I needed an answer for questions that were bothernig me. I took a deep breath and not looking back, I said "I love you, Jiyoon". You were quiet, but wide smile crawled on your face and you said words, that caused me heart attack. "I love you too, Hyuna." Without thinking I popped into your arms, which made you chuckle. You're so adorable, do you know that? I remember how your arms entwined my waist and how you were holding me in warm, strong embrance. We were watching those fireworks. Nobody payed attention to us, because everyone was just enjoying their moment, while they didn't have to deal with monotonous, daily life.

When we came back to dorm, we found girls in their rooms, however, we met again without witnesses in living room, right after taking a shower. Since you share a room with Sohyun, and I shared mine with Gayoon, we couldn't spend time with each other alone, not couting this room. You were sitting on the couch and you seemed like you were about to fall asleep, so I pinked your arm.

"Jiyoon!" I wanted to somehow make you awaken and it worked. You opened your eyes wide and blinked few times to make everything sharpen. I sat down right next to you, smile still on my face.

"Why are you screaming? I wasn't sleeping." You said faking anger. I kissed your cheek, what made you blush and I embraced your waist.

"I'm sorry, it just seemed like you was about to fall asleep." I mumbled hugging your side. You just TV and you were trying to convince me to watch a movie together, that you actually played. I was begging you to come back to our rooms, even if I didn't want to split up with you, because it was late and it was time to go to sleep. Tomorrow is last day of free time, and then practises for our comeback will start, so it's better if we get some rest. But you insited so much, so I finally agreed.

I only remember that I fell asleep in the middle of the movie hugging you. When I woke up in the morning, you were gone somewhere already. But before you left, you covered me up with blanket and made sure, that I lay comfortable and after waking up I won't be numb. While rubbing my eyes, I looked around the living room. Nobody was there, so probably not all girls woke up yet. After a while I stood up from couch and went slowly to the kitchen, just to eat something. I suddenly smiled, when my eyes saw the sight in front of me. You were making breakfast for us all, even if you aren't wonder women or so, and even if you're not good at cooking. When you saw me by corner of your eye, you turned around to face me and welcomed me with smile.

"Good morning, Hyuna." You walked over me and suddenly hugged me. The feeling of warm filling my heart came back, the same feeling that I felt last night. Your hands were gentle, you didn't make sharp moves. Your smell was soothing all my nerves, I can't even exactly describe it. Something like Yuzu mixed with Osmanthus, rose essence, jasmine, white musk flower and cedar. I don't know what kind of fragrance you're using, but it's perfect. Few seconds later we broke away and I helped you with breakfast. About an hour later all of our five ended up overeated in living room, us both on the floor, Sohyun with Jihyun sitting on both sides of Gayoon on the couch. I was little too embarassed to hug with you in front of them, but I remained myself that it's nothing new for them, so I laid my head on your shoulder.

When next time we had opportunity to be only face-to-face, it was again in the evening in the living room. We were laying down on the couch, you beside backrest, me in front of you turned back to you, letting you to embrace be. Next question came to my mind. Again.

"Jiyoon..." I started not confident about it, I couldn't see your face. "What are we now?" I didn't hear an answer for a long time, so I started to worry, that it was bad idea to ask. But you just tighened your embrace and whispered in my ear "What do you want me to be for you?" what caused me a shiver. I took your hand in mine and I closed my eyes as if what I wanted to say would magically kill me.

"I want you to be my girlfriend."

I think that those words, which I said back then, will chase me till the end of my life. You still show up in my dream, I feel you next to me, but every morning when I wake up in my bed, there's nobody here. Properly I should call those dreams a nightmares. Because of you I start to spring into tiny pieces, I'm falling down. All words that once you said to me, come back and hit me with redoubled power. They make me realize that despie all the hate I feel for you, I still love you. I want to stop, I can't do it anymore. All of this is ed up. Please, stop turning back to me and picture every excuse you have, excuses of why you weren't with me home. You rarely come back home. You're going out with your friends, you are capable of not communicate with me for weeks, just to come back to me and placate me with gifts and nights spended togheter. You can't do this to me anymore. All those words, no matter if they are all lies or truth, it hurts me. Thanks to your behavior. If you dind't forget about me, I would believe you in everything. But sometimes you explain your late returning by "things attributable with dance practices". I'm not that stupid, I know that you're not in the building, you're not at all practicing choreography or song's lines. You're going out to clubs or sleep over at friend's house. I only don't understand one thing.

Why?

I hate you.

But at the same time I love you so much. And I will say it even thousend times. Why I am all alone in this love? Why am I only one hurt? I didn't know you from that side, Jiyoon. Your words were able to be like balm for the deepest wounds, that's why I didn't notice anything strange in your behavior. You wanted to hide our relationship in front of everyone. You were cold for me in front of the others, but when we were all alone, you were like a source of happiest love for me that I could ever imagine. It was giving me hope, that we can survive anything. That we are able to create real, mature relationship, but you just need some space. I need you, even if you keep hurting me and you have no idea of it. It all repeats all the time, again and again and again, so I don't get it, why I'm not capable of running away from it. I'm still falling down, what makes me look like a total idiot, that is unhappy in love. Whatever I'd do, I can't stop listening to my heart, which belongs to you. Why my feelings aren't listening to me?

God. I'm talking to myself again. It scares me. I'm not able to open up to anyone, I spend time all alone in this empty room. Unnecessarily I wanted to share my room with you. I would have Gayoon by my side, whom understand my problems very well, but I became all alone. Sky is blue as it never was and the sun shine bright. That's why my tears are visible even more than usual. I'm sitting here, in front of this table while looking through the window and thinking about meaning of my life. I lived for you so far, but since you're not here, I got no reason to live. It shows up only, when you come back...

Why I had to fall in love with YOU? Why it had to be you? And the most important, why I'm unable to leave you? But I know well consequences, that are the results of being with you. Being by your side means that nothing bad happens to me, but when you're far away from me I feel like everyone's against me. You don't say anything that would hurt me, but I stil feel hurt. I start to believe that everything you say is nothing but a lie, and I don't mind your real lies, I'm emotionless about that to be honest.

Please, just tell me, that you want break up with me. You'll make it all easier, I would finally disengage from you. Say that it wasn't real love, give me one last gift, which will make me never come back to you. And that's not because I don't want you, I just shouldn't want you, not if I'm depressed because of our relationship. Swear to me, that you'll do this, Jeon Jiyoon, I fell in love with you for your lovely, adorable, caring side, not that cold, emotionless, lukewarm mask you wear. Yes, I think it's only your mask. Because you wear it to not let other people know, what you really are. That in fact, you are soft person, that wind could blow you out. I heard from Jihyun, that you sometimes were coming to her, just to cry and complain about how bad kind of a girlfriend you are, but you don't want anyone else to know it. She told me this by accident, when I couldn't calm myself, crying that you don't come back home since two weeks. She couldn't just stand there and watch my despair, so she told me everything. But I saved it for me, Jiyoon, to not let you harbour a grudge against her. You even should thank her, because thanks to it I know what you may really feel. But you'll never change. If you couldn't do it for love's sake... Then nothing will convince you to change.

Sun was setting and I was still sitting here as I was in the morning. From time to time worried Gayoon was showing up to ask me if I needed something. I needed. You. But she can't rather give it to me. I found on the shelf under the table a clear sheet of paper from notebook and a pen. I'm not sure if I want to do this what I'm gonna do, but I have to. Otherwise I would never go ahead. I slowly my lips, remainding myself touch of yours and I started to write. I couldn't stop till night, still striking off something, correcting it. Couple of times I even wanted to throw out this letter. I felt like a rude doing it in that way. But you have to understand, how am I supposed to end our relationship looking right into your eyes, having a sensation that I will make you cry? How am I supposed to left that beautiful girl you are, whom enchained attention with her green hair, beautiful eyes and perfect body you have, seeing what I'm gonna loose? I can't. That's why this way would be easier.

"Dear Jiyoon

Forgive me, that I'm leaving only a letter. I will start from saying how much I'm gonna miss you, and it will never change for a long time. But we have to get things straight and we'll do it in one-sided way. And by the way forgive me my writing, but I'm shaking. I know you're not in dorm when you say you are. Friend of mine told me that she saw you in nightclub with some boy. And it wasn't like one time. Only thing I wanted from you was to be close to you. I still want it. Our love seemed to be more and more mature with time, but you had to ruin everything. Yes, I'm blaming you for all of it. You should know how much I care about our love, that's for sure, you remember our fight when I started to throw everything within my arm's reach in your direction. It's not like I wanted you to get hurt. I was so desperate to knock something to your empty head, things like that I have needs too, and I require some things. But I failed convincing you.

Jiyoon, I don't have to repeat all the time how beautiful you are, because it would be too sweet. Please, take care of yourself. Your look causes my knees to weak when I see you. It's incredible feeling, when someone like you can make me fall in love even more, thanks to that. You showed me my first, real love, and know everything seems to be smashed. My heart is in pieces, because you don't take care of me already. You run away from problems and go out without saying a word. I should know you better sooner. I love you. Why can't you see it? Why are you using me? PLEASE, TELL ME. I NEED HELP, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

I hate you.

I ing hate you so much.

But I still want you to be happy.

So my only way out is to say – I'm leaving. I'm running away from problem like you are. I'm leaving our group. I'm going abroad. Please, don't search for me, you all – don't you dare to look for me. I always wanted to visit London, maybe I will go there, but since you know that it's my favorite place, I won't stay there for long time. I can't let myself meet you again, because I would make the same mistake again and come back to you. To person, who leaded me to depression.

I'm leaving your world and I'll never come back, even if I have to die for it.

Forever yours

Kim Hyuna"

After writing this letter, I put it on the bed to let it be visible when you come back. I packed in a rush all my stuff in suitcase. Well, maybe not all, but most of them, it will be enough for me. I was about to leave room, but when I looked around it, I had doubts. Do I really want to leave all of it? After all I'm always happy at the end. Even after very long days of separation you always come back to me. So if you always come back, it means that all of it is not for nothing. But the "I want to" or "I don't want to" thing doesn't matter. I just can't. I sighed to myself and I came to terms with my thoughts that I won't feel pleasant warm of your sight. It's finally the end.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

I will always love you, Jiyoon.

Forgive me all the typos and grammar errors. By the way, what pairing should I do next? Any ideas?