HEY GUYS!!! i'm sorry for not updating these days! i've got a new job wich makes me totally exhausted these days and that also means i just have 3 to 4 hours to write, which is to short for me. ANYHOW!!!

i am sooooo ffing excited because of yunho's new mini album " U-know y " owwww... the yunjae feels xD *eats chocolate* 

the story i wrote now is REALY short and i make it up as i am listing to jaejoong- so it is. this is a dark-ish story which explains a day you spend with depression. (i've been having depression since i was 12 and i am 19 now, so that is quiet a while) 

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i know... i know you care, i know that i am not alone in this.. but i still feel like i am alone. it's hard to explain realy. i have yoochun and junsu by my side but my brain tells me i don't have them, that they only stay by my side because they feel bad for me. i hate my mind, my heart, my soul, i just hate my everything. i hate this face of mine, this body, these... tears. 

i play the piano softly, sad memories engulf me with each strike of my finger onto the keys. the soft yet deeply unpleasant melodie enters my hearing, i tried to sing softly but no words come out. my heart ached painfully in my chest, my hands shook, i stopped playing. 

i have been like this for as long as i could remember. i can't even find one good memorie inside my mind, everything makes me feel... empty. i told my mother a few months back, that if killing was not against the law, i could've easily killed someone without feeling bad. my minds messed up, my mother told me. the past few days she won't call me anymore, because the only thing i can do is... nothing. i don't speak, i just listen to her and keep quiet.

i gripped the bottle of soju tightly, my knuckled withening as i gulped down the liqour. it's not strong enough to burn my throat but any kind of alcaholic substance is fine now. i wanted to trow the bottle hard against the wall, making the glass shatter. my mind is going crazy, going everywhere, to the future, past, the here and now, even to my little cat jiji who is sleeping next to me.

i know i have been thinking of suicide most of the times but i can't. i always remember the little promise i made you when we were just 15. when we first met each other. how cool you looked back then, those spiked up hair, those expensive branded clothes and how can i forget your cute little chipmunk cheeks. how i miss you, you were my everthing. i wanted to turn back time, i wish i could go back in time, maybe i could stop myself from loving you so much.

do you still think of me... yunho-yah. where are you now? are you happy or not? i wish i could be by your side baby, i'm so sorry i can't. i cupped my face with the palms of my hands. not a single tear left my eye but my mind did. every single day since i've left you, i've been contemplating if i did the right thing. my phone ring. without looking at the caller ID i picked up.

"yoboseo." my voice soft but loud enough for the other side to hear me.

"jaejoong-ah, i was just wondering if i could come over? some i slept with last night posted a picture of me sleeping next to her. i want some company before the news breaks out. you free?" junsu's voice... even though junsu was known to be the cute one amongst us, he is one of the mature ones. sometimes i feel like the young dongseang instead of the hyung.

"neh, okay. do you want me to cook something for you?" 

"no it's fine, i'll bring some booze for you!" i hear junsu's high pitched voice before he ended the call.

this is the "angel xiah" everyone keeps talking about. junsu isn't the angel anymore after we broke up, eventhough he tries to hold that aegyo contept, we know that outside of the camera's he's one bastard. i remember last night. we went to some party, i don't even remember why, but it was good, enough to hold me off my thoughts as i got drunk home. i do remember junsu talking to a very short cute girl, she was some chinese rookie actress. i didn't realy care, the only one i kept thinking about was yunho anyway.

i stumbled up, trying to hold my balance while walking towards the kitchen.

tonights gonne be a long night.

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okay i will write more later XD i have to go to sleep now, this took me over an hour (i kept being distracted by youtube :3)

ill update soon with the other story's just have patients with me okay?!