Kyuhyun shivers as a feather light touch traces a line down his face. Even as the touch wakes his mind, he can't seem to open his eyes to see what it is.

There is a whisper on his lips that tickles his skin and he desperately wants to see what it could be that's rousing such strong reactions from him with barely even there touches. But when he finally opens his eyes, he finds himself looking at the blank wall of his bedroom.

There is nothing beside him on the bed, no warm body, no hot breaths—nothing. There is only the cold of the morning and the memory of what Kyuhyun feels might be a dream.

 

♪♬ ♪♬

 

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath as he opens the door. In the middle of the room stands a black grand piano with Ryeowook sitting on its bench. Kyuhyun shakes off the nerves and anxiety creeping up his skin and enters the room.

“Hey,” Kyuhyun greets but is met with only the soft tune of the piano as a reply.

“We’ll start off with ‘This Is Love’ for today,” Ryeowook cuts to the chase. Kyuhyun winces a little at the tone as he takes a seat beside Ryeowook.

They proceed to fill the room with endless music and singing. Kyuhyun starts off surprisingly well despite the way his throat feels. He isn't surprised when his voice begins to strain with each passing hour. By the time they reach their last few songs, Kyuhyun's throat itches for water and rest.

"You okay?" Ryeowook asks as they end their session. It startles Kyuhyun for a second that he just stares at Ryeowook.

"What?" he asks, just to make sure Ryeowook is talking to him even though there is no one else in the practice room.

Ryeowook rolls his eyes. "I asked if you were okay." Ryeowook doesn't take his eyes off his papers and clears his throat. "Your voice sounds a little hoarser than usual. Usually you can last a little longer than this."

Kyuhyun gives Ryeowook a rueful smile even though he's not looking. "I'm fine. Just didn't sleep well."

Ryeowook scoffs. "You're not the only one." Kyuhyun cringes at the harsh tone. Ryeowook doesn't take it back or bother to explain himself. Kyuhyun takes a deep breath as the silence around them grows heavy.

"Hey guys!” Junghoon chimes as he opens the door. “Break time. The others are in the Dance Practice Room for Super Junior. They’ve ordered some food so go ahead and join them,” he relays. Ryeowook nods and stands up from the chair.

“Thanks,” Ryeowook says, walking past the manager. Kyuhyun waits until Ryeowook’s out of sight before fixing his own music sheet.

“Kyuhyun wait, before you take your break, I have something to tell you,” Junghoon mutters, patting Kyuhyun on the shoulder so he’ll sit back down.

"What is it?" Kyuhyun asks, slightly worried.

Junghoon smiles warmly as he sits beside Kyuhyun, easily dissipating all of Kyuhyun’s fears. "I have great news," he begins excitedly. "Youngmin-ssi just told me that he finished finalizing the details of your first solo album."

"What?" Kyuhyun says out of amazement more than anything else.

"Not only that, but plans for it are to be set in motion next week. Since your schedule's packed for the whole weekend, we're holding the meeting next Monday, right after dance rehearsals."

Kyuhyun swears his eyes almost pop out of their sockets as they open wider with every detail Junghoon tells him. "For real?"

"Yeah!"

"Do you know what the concept is? Did Youngmin-ssi run it by you?" Kyuhyun asks, still reeling from the information passed on to him.

"Not really. You know how he is. All business and no time for shortcuts."

"Right," Kyuhyun mutters as he begins to really absorb the reality of the situation.

"I'm gonna be a solo artist," Kyuhyun whispers to himself.

"Congratulations," Junghoon says with a laugh and Kyuhyun can't even find it in himself to be embarrassed as Junghoon's words only solidify the truth of his statement.

"Thanks hyung! I can't wait to tell the members!" Kyuhyun bows before hurrying out of the room in search of the members. He remembers what Junghoon said about break time and goes straight to the practice room reserved for them. Through his excitement, Kyuhyun bangs the door open and catches the attention of everyone.

"What the hell was that?"

"Kyuhyunnie, what's wrong?"

"Hey! Keep it down!"

Kyuhyun ignores the multiple comments and reactions to the banging of the door and excitedly smiles as he steps inside the room. "I'm finally gonna have my solo album!"

Hyukjae chokes on his chicken. Donghee almost sprays the diet Pepsi he's drinking out of his mouth. Some of the members are so stunned they just gape at Kyuhyun with unbelieving eyes.

"What? Who told you?" Jungsoo asks as he's the first to recover.

"Junghoon hyung came by and talked to me after vocal practice," Kyuhyun replies a little breathless as he takes a seat in the space left for him in the circle.

"A solo album?" Youngwoon confirms. Siwon gives a low whistle.

"Wow! Congratulations!" Jungsoo finally says and Kyuhyun smiles widely at their leader.

"Thanks, hyung!"

Kyuhyun accepts the congratulations from the rest of the members, laughing as Donghee pats him on the back and Donghae envelops him in an overly enthusiastic hug. He catches Ryeowook's nod just in time and nods back. As he thanks the last member, Youngwoon, Kyuhyun realizes that Sungmin has yet to say a thing. He looks around the circle and finds Sungmin staring straight into his plate of chicken.

As if sensing his gaze, Sungmin lifts his head up and locks eyes with Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun swallows the lump in his throat at the blank expression Sungmin gives him. It takes a second before Sungmin smiles at him—a little sadly, he notices. Sungmin looks away before Kyuhyun can focus on the action. Kyuhyun wishes a part of him didn't expect for something more.

"Because Kyuhyun's solo album is now officially underway," Youngwoon's booming voice calls out. "We should celebrate!"

The rest of the group cheers but Kyuhyun can't shake off the heaviness in his chest. He fakes a smile as Jungsoo and Heechul start planning out barbecues and restaurants they can go to for tomorrow.

Kyuhyun listens with minimal attention, barely catching on the instructions for their celebration. All he can think about is Sungmin's bitter smile and the fading background noise. Softly, bit by bit, the loud chatter in the room becomes this sad familiar melody. The melody shocks Kyuhyun to his very core but as he looks at Sungmin forcing a smile, he can't help but think, It's a perfect match.

 

 

Kyuhyun takes several deep breaths and lets each of them go slowly. Soon, he feels the pace of his heartbeat slow down and he leans back in his seat with closed eyes. He listens to the sound of Junghoon's feet scuffling against the carpeted floor and lets the quiet afternoon fill his mind with useless thoughts.

"You okay?" Kyuhyun hears Junghoon ask as the sound of his chair squeaks loudly in Kyuhyun's ears.

"Yeah, just haven't been sleeping well lately."

Junghoon laughs. "Nerves?"

Kyuhyun smiles, imagining Junghoon's teasing smile directed his way. "No, sadly, it isn’t. It would be easier to handle if it was. I've just been having weird dreams that wake me up at night and make it hard for me to go back to sleep."

"Try drinking some warm milk next time," Junghoon suggests and Kyuhyun hums in acknowledgment.

There's still some time left before the meeting begins and Kyuhyun tries his best to keep his mind off of things other than his solo album. There's still the soft breaths against his cheeks from last night. He shudders just as the door opens.

"Good afternoon," Junghoon greets and Kyuhyun hurriedly stands up from his chair to greet the people involved with his solo album.

Youngmin enters first, followed by Sooman and the rest of the production crew. Kyuhyun greets them all, bowing to each and everyone of them. Kyuhyun goes back to his seat while the staff sets up their presentation. His eyes go to Sooman who takes a seat at the head of the table, exactly to his right.

"You know," Sooman whispers, leaning in to Kyuhyun's side. "I don't usually attend these meetings anymore, but I really wanted to see what they came up with for your solo album."

Kyuhyun feels oddly flattered that his teacher would go so far for him. "Thank you," he manages to croak out.

As Youngmin begins his introductions, Kyuhyun feels his phone vibrate against his thigh. Taking a quick glance around to make sure no one's looking, Kyuhyun sneaks a peek at his phone, frowning at the pile of KakaoTalk messages. They're all from Super Junior members, congratulating him but at the same time putting pressure on him because they know it's time for his meeting. He pockets his phone in his jacket for easier access and pays attention to the man in front as he introduces the concept.

"We were thinking of a warm ballad for autumn," the man begins. Kyuhyun can't quite remember his name. He makes a mental note to ask his manager. "Kyuhyun-ssi's voice would match the concept with his soft and smooth tone. The objective is to make a cold person feel warm during the fall. That's the kind of album we wanted to produce."

Kyuhyun nods, liking the way it sounds so far. He listens as the man rambles on about fall, warmth and how the songs will be about lost love until his phone vibrates again. It jolts him a little and he looks around once more before sneaking a peek at his phone screen. It's another KakaoTalk notification.

Sungmin hyung
Good luck on your meeting~ Have fun!

Kyuhyun's heart stops for a second before it thunders inside his ribs. He slowly puts his phone down, unable to pocket it. All a sudden he can hear that soft melody again and his fingers itch to touch black and white keys. He settles for thumbing the screen of his phone as he tries his best to listen to the person in front. It's hard when the background music that only he can hear pierces his ears louder than any other voice.

When the music finally fades into a soft whisper, Kyuhyun catches on just in time. The man in front has just finished the concept of the album jacket and has moved on to the list of prospective songs for the album. Most of them are just titles, some don't even have lyrics yet. Each of the list have an empty slot and it sparks Kyuhyun's interest.

"What's with the empty number?" Kyuhyun finds himself asking without thinking.

The man in front smiles, somewhat sinister looking. Kyuhyun tries not to shudder. "Good question, Kyuhyun-ssi." he gestures to the head of the table. "Sooman-ssi and Youngmin-ssi thought it would be a good idea if you could write a song for the album as well."

Kyuhyun looks at Sooman—who smiles too warmly—and then at Youngmin—who doesn't really look his way. Deep down, Kyuhyun knows it's futile, that whatever he says, he's going to get roped into doing the song anyway. Kyuhyun sighs and looks to the bright eyes of the man in front.

"How much time do I have to write this song?"

"We've agreed that three months should be enough." Youngmin's tone is final. Kyuhyun swallows the lump in his throat and tries anyway.

"Four months. I've never written a complete song before, with lyrics and all. I'm gonna need some time."

Youngmin sighs and is about to protest when Sooman cuts in. "Alright. And if needed, you can even write with someone. As long as they're someone from the company, then don't hesitate to ask."

Kyuhyun sighs at the understanding smile on his teacher's face and nods in thanks.

"Okay, I'll do it."

The man in front smiles so widely that Kyuhyun thinks he's going to jump for joy any minute now. He doesn't, much to Kyuhyun's relief. He quickly goes back to topic, picking up from where they left off.

"We're still finishing adding lyrics to some of the demos so we'll have them ready for you by next week," he finishes. Kyuhyun nods a little absentmindedly, his focus split between the discussion and the inspiration for a new song.

"How much time will I have to pick the setlist?"

"A week."

Kyuhyun sighs but knows he cannot bargain for more time.

The conversation moves on from track list to staff involved and Kyuhyun gives his best to pay attention to the various names he will be working with from now on. This time he does bother to memorize some of the names he knows he will need.

It takes a while longer before they finish, and by then, Kyuhyun's backside is sore from sitting down for so long. Once they finish, Kyuhyun stands up and bows down at the staff one by one as they leave through the door. Sooman is the last one, who doesn't quite leave even as Kyuhyun's bowed and thanked him.

"I'm really happy that all those talks about making you a soloist has come true." Sooman smiles kindly at Kyuhyun, his eyes glowing with a fond warmth. "I'm very proud of you."

Kyuhyun gives his teacher a smile, truly flattered at his praise. "Thank you, sonsaengnim. I promise to make this album even better than you have expected."

Sooman laughs as he pats Kyuhyun on the shoulder. "I have no doubt that you will."

Kyuhyun relishes in the faith Sooman has for him and thanks him one more time. He bows again and watches Sooman leave through the doors before paying attention to his manager.

"Hyung," Kyuhyun calls out. Junghoon puts his phone down and smiles at Kyuhyun.

"Ready to go?"

"Yeah," Kyuhyun sighs as they walk out of the conference room. He cranes his neck, finally feeling the weight on his shoulders.

Junghoon laughs. "Too bad we're going straight to the restaurant as soon as we catch up with the members in the parking lot."

Kyuhyun groans and whips his phone out, which is now flooded with KakaoTalk messages. "This early? It's barely even dinner time."

Junghoon shrugs. "I think they want to spend the whole afternoon eating."

"This is gonna ruin our diets," Kyuhyun complains as he finally opens his KakaoTalk.

Junghoon laughs as he says, "What's a cheat day or two?"

By then, Kyuhyun has already seen Sungmin's message and is no longer paying attention. He gazes at the display picture right beside the message and all Kyuhyun can hear is the soft piano melody, melancholic and full of longing.

 

♪♬ ♪♬

 

Kyuhyun leans in to the caress on his skin, trying to decipher where the warmth comes from. The heat against his lips feels so much like a kiss but the puffs of air tell him as though it isn't. When it happens a second time, Kyuhyun realizes there is someone in front of him, holding his face and whispering something against his lips. Kyuhyun so badly wants to see who it is, so badly wants to know what he says.

"I love you," comes from a voice so far away but a body so close that it burns Kyuhyun's from where they meet skin on skin.

"Always."

 

♪♬ ♪♬

 

Kyuhyun opens his eyes and groans when his new desk greets him instead of the person speaking to him in his dream. He shuts his eyes and tries to picture the scenery of the dream but comes up blank when he realizes he can't remember. When he can't seem to go back to dreamland, Kyuhyun relaxes his body and stares at the ceiling.

"What was that all about?" Kyuhyun mutters to himself as he recalls what happened in the dream. He can still vaguely hear the whispers in his ears but he can no longer understand what they say. Kyuhyun shivers and wraps his blanket tighter around himself.

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath and looks to the other side of his bedroom. There's a rectangular spot on the floor that his desk just can't seem to hide. Kyuhyun gives a bitter smile as he finds himself imagining the bed that once occupied that spot, the body that lay atop that bed and the nights he'd creep in beside that warmth. He shakes his head before imagination becomes memory.

He turns away from the desk, faces his wall and cocoons himself further in his warm comforter. He tries to find a comfortable sleeping position without having to toss and turn but gives up when he tires himself out but wakes his mind completely. He sits up, resting his back on his headboard and sighs. He contemplates on what to do when he remembers what his manager told him. Kyuhyun sighs as he drags himself out of his room, rushing towards the hallway.

Kyuhyun slows down his pace just as he reaches a door that looks so foreign even though he's always seen it since they first moved into the dorm. He steps towards it, lifting his hands to feel the cool wood with the tips of his fingers. When he realizes just what he's about to do, Kyuhyun drags his arm back down. He clenches his fists by his side and quells down the urge burning inside of him. Without so much as a second glance, Kyuhyun hastens to the kitchen.

A mug of warm milk sits itself between Kyuhyun's hands soon after he reaches the kitchen. Kyuhyun takes a few sips, relishing in the heat, before walking back to his room. He takes slow and tentative steps, muttering to himself that it's so the milk won't spill. When he finds himself in front of the same door, Kyuhyun stops lying to himself.

Kyuhyun doesn't knock and doesn't stop himself when he opens the door. He breathes in the scent of the empty room and sighs at the barely-lived-in smell. Kyuhyun can hardly even catch traces of him inside.

Setting aside his mug of milk, Kyuhyun lies down on the empty bed and breathes in the cool sheets.

"It smells just like you," Kyuhyun whispers, wrapping himself in the blankets. It's cold, even colder than his room. There is no warm body to keep him warm but Kyuhyun takes what he can get. Even if it's just for a little while.

 

 

Kyuhyun's eyes flutter open and he tenses. He looks at his blankets, surveys the surroundings and sighs in relief when he realizes he is in his room and not in Sungmin's. He flops back down in his bed and takes a huge breath.

The mug he brought with him sits on his desk and Kyuhyun finally recalls getting up five minutes after he'd lied down on Sungmin's bed. He remembers gulping down his lukewarm milk on the way to his room and successfully passing out right after. He sighs in relief at the thought of having avoided a huge problem.

By the time his heart is calm enough, Kyuhyun moves to check his phone by the side of his head. It isn't ringing and when he finally unlocks it, Kyuhyun realizes it is because it's still too early. He groans as he puts it down, contemplating on whether to finally get up and do some work or laze about in bed until his alarm rings.

It takes Kyuhyun five more minutes before he decides that work is important. It takes him even less than five to get ready for work. It's technically a day off but with him working on a solo album on the side, Kyuhyun spends most of his days off working.

Making sure to turn his alarm off, Kyuhyun settles his phone to the side of his desk and lays out all the lyric sheets like a deck of cards.

Kyuhyun hums as he surveys the music sheets, the one on top being the song he thinks would fit as the title track. The one at the end being the song he likes the least. He picks the first six and gathers the last ones into a neat pile. He picks up his laptop and searches for the playlist he'd made last night.

"Please let this be the one," Kyuhyun mutters to himself. After having tired himself out matching 6 songs and making a playlist for them, he put off listening to them until today.

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath as he presses play. He closes his eyes and feels the burn from lack of sleep and exhaustion. The melancholic tunes coupled with nonsense chatter somehow lull him to sleep but Kyuhyun tries his best to stay awake. He begins singing the songs in his mind, matching the syllables in the nonsense chatter with the lyrics from the music sheet.

As each song goes by, Kyuhyun's heart begins beating rapidly. He bites his lip, taps his finger on the paper and sings along a little louder. The pace of the music somehow helps calm him down. When the last song finally plays, a fast paced one, Kyuhyun takes a deep breath and sings along in a soft voice. It doesn't match the album melody-wise but the lyrics are perfect. It reminds him of hope, of silver linings.

"Like the perfect happy ending," Kyuhyun whispers to himself as the last notes of the song come to pass.

Sighing in relief, Kyuhyun takes his earphones off and collects the final setlist he's chosen. He goes over it one last time and gives himself an imaginary pat on the back.

Kyuhyun sets them aside for a while when he hears his stomach growl.

"Ah, breakfast," Kyuhyun says aloud. "Need to eat breakfast."

Taking his empty mug, Kyuhyun goes out of his room and is immediately greeted by the smell of breakfast coming from the dining room. His stomach growls a little louder and Kyuhyun swallows the saliva threatening to flood his mouth.

"Thank You, Lord," Kyuhyun praises as he quickly dumps his mug over at the sink and sits himself down by the table. "And thank you, Ryeowook," he whispers just before he digs in. He knows the eternal maknae has left for his own schedule for the day but better to be safe than sorry.

"Morning, Kyu," Donghae greets as he drags a half asleep Hyukjae to one of the chairs. Kyuhyun mutters a quick greeting before stuffing his face with food.

"Someone's hungry," Heechul comments as takes one of the chairs.

"I just finished finalizing my track list for my solo album," Kyuhyun explains through a mouthful.

"Woah! But it's like 7AM. What time did you wake up?" Hyukjae asks, more awake now that he's drinking his coffee.

"A little after 6?"

"I thought you weren't needed in the company until 9?" Jungsoo asks as he appears by the entryway.

"Yeah," Kyuhyun says instead of elaborating.

Jungsoo eyes Kyuhyun for a second but the younger only focuses on eating and drinking.

"What's everyone's agenda for the day?" Youngwoon greets them as he enters the dining room.

Jungsoo points to Hyukjae and says, "Schedule." He repeats the action, pointing to Donghae and Kyuhyun. "The others have already left."

"We're probably the only ones free today," Heechul adds.

Youngwoon nods and takes a seat, grabbing a plate for himself and filling it with food. He's just about to open his mouth and suggest an agenda for the day when Kyuhyun interrupts him.

"Excuse me but I have to go get ready." Kyuhyun accepts the farewells thrown at him as he places his plate by the sink.

Kyuhyun checks the time and sighs when he sees it’s still early. He takes slow steps to the shower and lets the warm sprays of water smooth out his tense muscles. It helps clear his mind of the stress of the week but brings back the soft tune of a song he no longer wants to remember.

By the time he finishes showering, Kyuhyun has hummed the whole song and has it stuck in his head. He's halfway into his shirt when he sees that he still has time. On a whim, he goes through the last drawer on the right side of his desk.

There is a mountain of papers inside, all of which are music sheets. Kyuhyun doesn't bother leafing through them. He picks them all up and takes the last stapled together papers. It doesn't have a title nor lyrics. It's all just notes written with fading lead and Kyuhyun scoffs as he goes over some of the disappearing notes, noticing how he still knows what tune they hold.

Before Kyuhyun can change his mind, he places the stapled papers on top of the brown envelope containing his final songs.

"Take care!" Kyuhyun hears Donghae call out. Kyuhyun tries to croak out a reply as best as he can in his haste.

"By the way, you're meeting up with that Kyuline friends of yours later, right?" Hyukjae asks, interrupting Kyuhyun’s reply.

"Yeah, why?"

"Just wondering. Is Ryeowook gonna go with you guys?" Hyukjae's question sounds perfectly innocent but Kyuhyun tenses anyway.

Kyuhyun takes more than a second to process the question, probably a few more to answer as he tries to come up with a viable excuse. He takes a deep breath and says, "No, he said he couldn't make it."

There's an awkward silence in the room and Kyuhyun tries his best to get out of it. When Hyukjae doesn't seem to want to say anything else, Kyuhyun breathes out a hurried, "Hyung, I’m going now."

Kyuhyun slams the door shut as quickly as possible and praises the heavens when he catches the elevators open. On the way down, Kyuhyun allows himself to relax, feeling guilty and relieved at the same time. Before he can linger on the feeling, he focuses on his work and the songs for his solo album.

The drive takes enough time for Kyuhyun to calm his nerves and settle the boiling pit in his stomach. The company's white walls and simplistic interior greet Kyuhyun as soon as he steps in and it offers him some form of relief as he rides up the elevator to submit his songs. His own composition still lays atop the brown envelope and he takes the time to think about whether he really wants to submit it.

The resounding ding disrupts his thoughts and Kyuhyun hastily decides to roll up the paper and pocket it behind him.

"Kyuhyun-ssi!" One of the staffs greets, Kyuhyun isn't sure what his name is. "Is that the tracklist?"

"Yeah," Kyuhyun replies a little absentmindedly as he passes the envelope to the person.

"Thank you so much," the staff bows and checks the contents. "Does this include the seventh song?" His eyes shine bright and Kyuhyun wishes he didn't have to break the bad news to him.

"I'm sorry but I've just been a little uninspired lately. Don't worry, I'll make it in time for my deadline." Kyuhyun feels the roll of papers behind him and gives the man an apologetic smile.

"Ah, well that's too bad."

Kyuhyun nods and bids the staff farewell. Once inside his car, Kyuhyun takes out the music sheet from behind him and studies it. The faded notes, the melancholic but insecure tones—everything about it seems to need fixing to Kyuhyun. He hurriedly stuffs the papers in the glove compartment and drives to the restaurant where he knows the rest of his friends wait for him.

The drive to the restaurant is the one that takes a while, Kyuhyun having to go from long highways to narrow roads and secluded streets. When he arrives, he spots Jonghyun and Minho's cars parked outside. There are no more cars located nearby and Kyuhyun assumes that no one else seems to be at the restaurant other than his friends.

When Kyuhyun steps inside, he finds that his assumptions are right. He spots his group by their favorite corner, a grill already smoking in the middle of the table and various side dishes placed in front of his friends. Joonmyun's the one who spots him because he looks up at the sound of the door opening.

"Kyuhyun hyung!" Joonmyun waves and Kyuhyun nods in acknowledgment.

Kyuhyun occupies the seat beside Minho, the only available seat, and breathes in the hot food in front of him.

"You guys ordered all my favorites," Kyuhyun whispers a little in awe.

Minho laughs beside him, leaning in to his side. "Of course, hyung, we're celebrating because of you!"

"Thanks," Kyuhyun whispers.

"Ahjumma!" Jonghyun calls out to the old lady at the counter. "A few more bowls of rice please!"

Kyuhyun waves to the old lady at the front who smiles warmly at him. She nods in understanding before disappearing to the back.

"So, where's everyone else?" Jonghyun asks as they begin to eat.

"Changmin hyung's still in Japan. He'll probably be back in July," Minho replies with a snicker. "We should take pictures and make him jealous."

Jonghyun almost chokes on his food as he laughs while Minho and Kyuhyun high five.

"What about Ryeowook hyung?" Joonmyun asks before feeding himself some rice.

Kyuhyun coughs as he swallows his food the wrong way. Kyuhyun grabs for water and pumps his chest to help the food go down.

"You okay? What happened?" Jonghyun asks as he readies a pitcher of water by Kyuhyun's side.

Kyuhyun clears his throat and tries his best to answer. "Yeah, just swallowed my kimchi too fast."

Minho shakes his head as he rubs Kyuhyun's back in a soothing manner.

"Ryeowook couldn't make it," Kyuhyun replies as he focuses on the side dishes to his left.

"That's too bad," Joonmyun says as an afterthought. "But it's great that we all had time to meet today." Joonmyun's cheesy smile that follows earn him pats on the head from the others.

"Aigoo, so cute," Minho coos as they all laugh.

Joonmyun shakes his head but smiles as he fixes his now ruffled hair.

"So hyung," Jonghyun asks before the ambiance can turn quiet. "How's the solo album so far? Heard you started working on it already."

Kyuhyun groans as he puts his half-empty rice bowl down. "Tiring. I have to take care of it while I finish preparing for Super Junior's comeback."

"Ah, but at least Swing promotions are done right?" Joonmyun adds in.

Kyuhyun sighs in relief. "Yeah, at least. But I'm also in the works of signing a contract for a musical so it's probably not gonna make much of a difference."

"But still, finally a solo album," Minho tries to bring back the happy mood and Kyuhyun smiles, truly grateful for the opportunity.

"Yeah, finally an album where I can sing ballads." Kyuhyun stares at his food and picks it up with a smile. "It feels like bit by bit my dreams are coming true."

"Ah, that feeling," Joonmyun sighs. "I'm very happy for you, hyung."

"Thanks Joonmyunnie."

"If you ever need help, we're always here for you," Jonghyun offers and Kyuhyun is about to laugh when he realizes this might be a good opportunity.

"Actually," Kyuhyun begins. "There might be something you can help me with." Before Kyuhyun can continue, the old lady brings them their refills of rice and the others take it as an opportunity to order more food. When she leaves, Joonmyun urges Kyuhyun to continue.

"I have to write a song for the album but I'm not sure how to go about it."

"What's it about?" Jonghyun asks, looking serious as he puts his food down.

"It's supposed to be about lost love."

Minho chokes on his food, trying to hide his chuckle behind a hand. "Are you sure you don't know how to go about it?"

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes but doesn't bother dignifying Minho a response.

"What kind of help do you need?" Joonmyun asks.

"I'll probably need help with everything. Music and lyrics."

"Sorry, hyung, I'd like to help, but I don't really have much experiences worth writing," Joonmyun says with an apologetic smile.

Minho and Jonghyun both laugh at this and Joonmyun sighs as his cheeks color. "Yeah, right," Minho mutters between snickers.

"I usually just take my own experiences and put them down into words. I feel like writing other people’s point of views makes the song less personal.” Minho smiles in apology and Kyuhyun nods in understanding.

"Maybe I can help," Jonghyun finally replies. "Do you want to meet up and work on it or something?"

"Nah, I'm not really allowed to work with someone outside the company." Kyuhyun groans.

"Ah, that's too bad."

"But maybe you guys can just give me thoughts about 'lost love'?" Kyuhyun adds.

His friends hum as they think about their answers. Kyuhyun takes the time to finish his rice bowl and start on his second one.

"For me," Joonmyun begins. He ignores the snickers that come from his older friends. "Lost love isn't something that comes back. When it goes, it's never gonna come back."

"That’s too pessimistic," Minho comments. "Haven't you heard of 'fate'? When it's meant to be, it will come back to you. That's what I think. Love—you don't lose it if it's destiny. Every relationship that ends isn't 'real' love."

Kyuhyun nods at the profound replies of his younger friends, a part of him proud for what they have to say. He turns his focus on Jonghyun who sits quietly staring down at his almost empty food.

"I think lost love is something unforgettable. It teaches you a lesson—a lesson filled with regret."

Kyuhyun swallows a thick ball of rice down his throat as he takes in Jonghyun's reply. His throat hurts but it doesn't take away the pinpricks of pain from his heart.

Joonmyun nods. "Lost love is definitely all about regret."

"I agree," Minho mutters.

Kyuhyun notices how the air around them has turned solemn, with each of his friends having that tearful gaze in their eyes. They're looking at their food but aren't seeing it. Kyuhyun feels a little guilty for bringing up the topic.

"Ah, this atmosphere calls for some soju," Kyuhyun whistles, trying to liven up the dark atmosphere around them.

"Are you paying, hyung?" Minho asks, smiling even if his eyes aren't.

Kyuhyun shakes his head but says, "Yeah."

The young ones cheer and they order some soju, setting their hearts out for an afternoon of drinking.

Kyuhyun only drinks one bottle, not ready to give up his sobriety so early in the day. Even with half of his friends drunk, the atmosphere around them stays slightly solemn. Kyuhyun blames it on their hearts, still reminiscing. Kyuhyun blames it especially hard on his heart that still longs for something it already lost.

When they finish eating, Kyuhyun takes a group picture of them. There are several bottles of soju scattered all over the table along with empty plates and bowls. Minho rests his head against the wall while Jonghyun lies down on his arms on the table. Joonmyun's only a little drunk and offers a goofy smile for the camera.

Kyuhyun sends the photo to Changmin in their private conversation on KakaoTalk. He adds a short message with it. 'Got the kids drunk when I asked them about "lost love".'

Kyuhyun doesn't expect a reply anytime soon so he goes about trying to take care of his friends—calling people to pick them up and making sure not to leave them behind. Joonmyun helps by offering them all glasses of water.

It's quiet around them with Minho and Jonghyun trying their best to regain sanity. Joonmyun looks to be on his way, his cheeks only flushed slightly.

"So hyung, what are your thoughts on lost love?" It's probably the alcohol that gets Joonmyun talking. He usually isn't so bold to open personal topics with Kyuhyun, not that Kyuhyun particularly minds.

Kyuhyun chuckles, the sound coming off as sad more than anything. "Don't know," which isn't a lie. "That's why I asked."

 

 

Kyuhyun plays a simple tune on his keyboard, stringing notes together into a somewhat melancholic tempo. He slows down his pace until his fingers come to a stop at what he thinks will be a perfect chorus. Cracking his knuckles, Kyuhyun goes on to check his laptop's screen. On the program, he clicks play and listens to his piece, adding other instruments in his head.

Kyuhyun groans when it doesn't end up being the way he wants it to be. He saves the piece anyway (track 20-140622) and shuts his laptop close. He stares at his keyboard, swipes his finger left and right before turning it off.

"," he whispers as he leans in his chair and closes his eyes. "I can't come up with anything." He presses his cold fingertips lightly on the thin skin over his eyes.

When Kyuhyun feels comfortable enough, he opens his eyes again and surveys the mess on his desk. Scattered music sheets and unlined papers surround his laptop. He picks up the unlined papers first, studying some of the lyrics he's written and tries not to cringe. There are over twenty papers, almost all of them filled with lines and lines of words. Some of them make sense, some of them don't even connect with each other.

Kyuhyun massages his temple and gathers the music sheets. There are a lot of pages but only comes up to about five complete compositions. He takes in the notes, trying to hum the way they sound if he can still remember and then trying to match some of the lines from the paper in his hands. He comes up with a weird song with unconnected lyrics.

Kyuhyun shakes his head and piles them all together. He wraps a band made of bond paper around it, labels it with the date and dumps them in a drawer labelled 'Rejects'. He shuts the drawer loudly and takes a deep breath, holding it in for three seconds before letting it go slowly. He rests his elbows on his desk, laces his fingers together and plants his head on his hands. He has done nothing but write songs all night since he got home from practice and he can finally feel fatigue settle in. He moves to check the time and grimaces when he finds that it's already past midnight.

Kyuhyun stares at his closed laptop for a few seconds before sighing. He opens the lid and shuts it down properly, clicking his tongue as the screen goes blue to black. When it's completely off, Kyuhyun closes it again, puts his keyboard aside and walks out of his room.

The hallways are quiet and the only light outside comes from the kitchen. Kyuhyun doesn't expect to find anyone outside with the silence the night greets him with, but when Kyuhyun steps out of the hallway and into the kitchen, Ryeowook's seated form greets him.

Kyuhyun curses internally.

"Hey," Ryeowook greets, lifting up his mug as a greeting. There's still steam coming up from the mug and Kyuhyun assumes Ryeowook hasn't been home long.

"Hey, just got back?" Kyuhyun tries for small talk. It's been awhile since they've been together in the same room alone. Recording for 'MAMACITA' ended a while back and they've moved onto focusing for other schedules. Kyuhyun in particular has his time occupied with his new musical and his solo album.

Ryeowook nods. Kyuhyun tries not to cringe at the direct end of conversation but knows he deserves it. Trying his best to ignore the heavy tension, Kyuhyun focuses on the reason he's even in the kitchen.

Kyuhyun grabs his mug first before the ingredients for warm milk. It's almost like his hands remember where everything is when he picks up the can of milk and thermos. It takes him a lot less time than he'd assumed to make his milk and Kyuhyun inhales the scent of the sweet drink before taking a seat on the table. In his focus, Kyuhyun forgets that Ryeowook's in the same room and accidentally takes the seat beside him.

Unbeknownst to him, he gives Ryeowook a furtive smile before taking a small sip of milk.

"Having trouble sleeping?" Ryeowook asks, gesturing to the mug of milk Kyuhyun sets down.

"Yeah," Kyuhyun replies, deciding not to elaborate.

"Why?" Ryeowook asks. "Because of your album?"

Kyuhyun almost chokes on his next sip of milk. It's a good thing that he doesn't and he easily regains composure. "Kind of," he lies.

"Kind of?"

Kyuhyun bites his lip. "Actually, I've been having this weird dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night."

"Ah," is all Ryeowook says.

Silence blankets them for a few minutes and Kyuhyun takes this time to study Ryeowook. He's clad in casual clothes and his jacket hangs at the back of his seat. His make up's gone, leaving him bare for Kyuhyun to see. He looks tired, but they all are with mixed schedules partnered with album preparations.

"You said kind of," Ryeowook breaks the silence. "What else did you mean?"

Kyuhyun's eyes widen at the sudden question but smiles when he realizes the direction of the conversation. "I have to write a song for my album and I'm having a hard time coming up with something. Sometimes I can't sleep because all I think about is trying to come up with the perfect melody and matching lyrics."

Kyuhyun waits for a response but Ryeowook just sips his—from what Kyuhyun can smell—tea. He doesn't let the silence bother him as much and focuses on drinking his steadily cooling milk.

"What's it about?"

Kyuhyun smiles in his cup before answering. "Lost love." After a few seconds, he adds. "Do you think you can help me?"

Ryeowook looks like he's about to scoff but stops himself in time. Instead, he turns to Kyuhyun for the first time that night and holds his gaze.

"I think you and I both know you have enough experience for that." There's a silent smirk twitching at the corners of Ryeowook's lips, one that makes Kyuhyun's heart ache.

Kyuhyun wants to say that he doesn't know what Ryeowook's talking about but when he looks away, ready to spit it out, he knows he has no right. Not when he feels and looks defeated. Not when he already knows it's a lie. He opens his mouth a couple of times, but closes it when he realizes he can't say anything to that.

"I think the reason you can't write this song is because you're not being completely honest with yourself." Ryeowook's words are quiet but they ring louder than thunder in a rainstorm. "What's holding you back, Kyu?"

Kyuhyun has a hard time swallowing his milk at the affectionate pet name. It is probably this that urges him to admit, "I don't know." He runs a hand through his hair. "I just—this is harder than it looks."

Ryeowook shrugs. "What's hard Kyuhyun? Admitting to yourself you ed up?"

Kyuhyun chuckles bitterly. "We all know I did more than up. There's more to this than you realize. I promise."

"Then tell me what I'm missing?" Ryeowook says mid-shout. When Kyuhyun finally turns to look, Ryeowook looks so angry that he almost cowers.

"I—" Kyuhyun bites his lip. "I'm sorry."

It's quiet again. The sound of the night the only thing that Kyuhyun can hear. He doesn't even hear Ryeowook breathe.

"You're apologizing to the wrong person, Kyu."

When Ryeowook stands up, with his mug and all, Kyuhyun buries his head in his hands and lets the tears fall.

A million thoughts run through his mind as he weeps silently. Most of them are memories of smiles and laughter, of nights buried under warm covers and embrace, of promises and songs whispered in the dusk. All these flashbacks play like a movie and Kyuhyun looks at his hands with blurred tears but these are all he sees.

When he's finally calm, his milk already cold, Kyuhyun drags his feet back to his room. He pauses in front of the same door, stares at it long and hard before trudging to his own. It's almost 2 in the morning when he checks the time but Kyuhyun doesn't care as he turns on his keyboard and his laptop. The music sheet he once stuffed in the glove compartment of his car rests on the left hand corner of his desk. He reaches for it and studies the date he scrawled down on the top right. It still hurts to remember the events of that day.

Even with the faded notes, as soon as Kyuhyun lays it on top of his keyboard, as soon as his fingers rest on the black and white keys, Kyuhyun remembers the song completely.

Kyuhyun hasn't been honest with himself or anybody else in a long time but this song is the only honest thing about him. Maybe, Kyuhyun thinks, this is the song.

Kyuhyun wipes the tears out of his eyes when he finishes playing, not knowing when they happened. He wishes for the stream to stop but they continue to fall, especially when he listens to his piece on his laptop, pulling from him memories upon memories, from beginning to end.

Kyuhyun falls asleep that night with tear tracks marring his face, his song playing on loop in his ears and his dream of a faceless man unending.

 

♪♬ ♪♬

 

"I love you," someone breathes against Kyuhyun's lips.

A finger trails down the lines of his face and it assures Kyuhyun that it's the continuation of his old dream.

"Always," the voice whispers as soft pillows press against his own. At first, Kyuhyun doesn't know how to react but when he realizes that someone has just kissed him, he forces his eyes open.

This time, what greets him is the blurred face of a man. A tiny voice at the back of his head screams that he knows who he is but Kyuhyun can't come up with his name or face.

"Who are you?" Kyuhyun croaks out.

The man before him doesn't reply. Instead, he leans in close that their noses touch. "Always remember that." He leaves one last kiss against Kyuhyun's lips before disappearing.

 

♪♬ ♪♬

 

Kyuhyun watches the meat sizzle on the grill, slowly burning from red to brown. He pokes it with his chopsticks and sighs, turning away from the food and focusing on his friend in front of him. Changmin smiles at him, amused, with his head resting on his hand.

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. "What're you smiling about?"

Changmin chuckles. "You seem distracted. You've been spacing out since we got here."

Kyuhyun glares at Changmin and eyes his meat instead, turning them before they turn black. From the corner of his eye, he can see Changmin open his mouth but the old lady comes then with their bowls of rice and many side dishes. Kyuhyun graciously thanks her for the food and the distraction she brings.

"So," Changmin begins just as Kyuhyun has a vegetable wrap halfway through his mouth. "You're still not going to tell me what's bothering you?"

Kyuhyun clamps his mouth shut, leaving his food hanging and eyes Changmin. After a few more seconds, he takes his wrap in his mouth and continues to ignore Changmin for the next few minutes. Changmin clicks his tongue but starts eating as well.

Halfway through their food, on their third order of meat, Kyuhyun puts down his half-empty fourth bowl of rice.

"Do you think all dreams have meaning?" Kyuhyun asks seriously. Changmin seems to have swallowed his food wrongly as he coughs a little and grabs for his water.

"What?"

"What what? Just answer the question."

Changmin drinks some water and holds a hand up for Kyuhyun to wait. "If you're asking me then, no. I don't think all dreams have meanings but I definitely think some dreams have meaning. Why? You've been getting prophetic dreams or something?"

Kyuhyun sighs as he sticks some samgyupsal in his mouth. "What? No. I've just been having dreams that keep waking me up at night." Kyuhyun's body tingles as he remembers the warm breath on his face and the voice tickling his ears.

"What's it about? You think it has a meaning?"

Kyuhyun shrugs. "Maybe. That's why I'm asking. I've been having it a lot more recently so maybe it does. It's a lot worse now too."

"How so?" Changmin asks, sounding incredibly concerned. He looks as if he's sizing Kyuhyun up and Kyuhyun realizes that he's no longer wearing the make-up from his musical. He wonders if Changmin can see the thickness under his eyes and the hollows on the sides of his face.

"I didn't have it so frequently before but now I wake up every day early in the morning because of it." Kyuhyun breathes out and lowers his head down to avoid Changmin's examining eyes. The more Changmin will see, the more Changmin will ask and Kyuhyun isn't ready to bare everything to his friend.

"Well, what's it about?" Changmin asks instead, a question Kyuhyun's willing to answer.

Kyuhyun closes his eyes, feels a gush of wind at his nape and says, "It's about a man. I can't see his face or anything but he kisses me and tells me that he loves me." The blurred face of the man flashes before his eyes and his eyes flash open, the dark wooden table greeting him. "A part of me knows who he is, but I can't remember."

"That's kind of really freaky," Changmin comments, shuddering.

"But what do you think it means?" Kyuhyun asks, unexpectedly sounding gravely desperate.

Changmin hums. "I don't know. I think the only way you'll find out is if you figure out who the man is. Who else could be whispering their love for you in your sleep—wait," Changmin cuts himself off. There's a twinkle in his eyes that even the dim lighting of the restaurant can't hide. "What if it's not a dream per say? What if someone's actually out there telling you they love you in their dreams?"

"So you're saying it's like a connection to their dream or something?"

"Yeah! And I might know just who the guy is!"

Kyuhyun’s eyes open so wide that his skin burns from where it stretches. "What? Who?"

"Sungmin hyung," Changmin whispers conspiratorially.

Kyuhyun's so astounded that he doesn't know what to say. He leans back in his chair and stares questioningly at his best friend.

"Sungmin hyung couldn't possibly do that. He's been living with his girlfriend, do you know how awkward that would be?"

Changmin shrugs. "Dreams are dreams. You can't help what you dream of," he points out.

Kyuhyun wants to retort but finds that he doesn't know how to refute Changmin's statement. "Sungmin hyung couldn't possibly love me," he says instead. "Besides, it doesn't really feel like it's a connected dream or something. It feels like it's just mine, you know? Like a normal dream."

Changmin scoffs. "You're either trying to lie to yourself or I hit the spot and you're just trying to change the subject."

Kyuhyun groans. "I'm serious! It really doesn't feel like we share the dream or anything. Besides, if we did I'm sure something between us would have changed, right?"

Changmin opens his mouth and then closes it. "Okay, you have a point. If it's not a shared dream, what is it then?"

Kyuhyun sighs. He closes his eyes and massages his temple. All a sudden the image of Sungmin kissing him, telling him he loves him appears behind his eyelids. His eyes flash open as his fingers grow cold.

"You okay?" Changmin asks when he sees Kyuhyun shake from where he's seated.

Kyuhyun's voice trembles as he says, "What if it's a memory?" He avoids looking into Changmin's eyes but he can feel the weight of his friend's gaze anyway.

"What makes you say that?"

Kyuhyun presses his cold fingertips against his eyelids and tries to relax. "Nothing, I just. I thought I felt something. Like it might be something I may have forgotten but I'm not sure."

"How can you forget someone tell you they love you?"

Kyuhyun laughs, bitter and sad. "There are some things better left forgotten."

Changmin clicks his tongue, three times. "Maybe for you. But for other people, professing their love is an unforgettable moment."

Kyuhyun doesn't reply. He opens his eyes and focuses on finishing his food. He appreciates Changmin's silence despite his occasional glances of concern. He uses the quiet atmosphere to scroll through his memories, those times in the past under warm covers in the chill of the night.

"Are you ever going to tell me what exactly happened between you and Sungmin hyung?" Changmin's quiet voice filters through Kyuhyun's ears, shattering his reminiscing. It takes awhile before he can decipher the question and when it hits him, Kyuhyun's heart skips a beat.

"I—I—" Kyuhyun stammers. He laughs, a desperate attempt to fill the silence between them with something.

Changmin sighs when the silence stretches on. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

Kyuhyun shakes his head with a bitter smile. "I did something I wasn't very proud of, a very stupid thing. Admitting it to someone else is just reliving the pain of the consequences." He's quiet for a moment before he says, "I haven't even admitted it to myself so how can I admit it to other people?"

Changmin looks guilty and concerned at the same time. Kyuhyun raises his hand and orders some Soju.

"Maybe it's time you admitted it to yourself?" Changmin begins. "Maybe it will help with finding out what your dream really means."

"Being honest with myself, huh?" Kyuhyun wonders aloud. "Someone told me to do the same thing recently. It was about my song for the album though."

The old lady brings by the soju then, Changmin accepts them as Kyuhyun stares openly at nothing and anything at the same time. He puts a shot glass in front of Kyuhyun and pours the Soju for him.

Kyuhyun notices the shot glass and takes hold of it, lifting it up to study the clear liquid. "To be honest," Kyuhyun pauses to take a shot. "I don't even know how to begin being honest with myself."

Changmin's laugh surprises Kyuhyun, a truly amused sound. He looks toward his best friend with a puzzled expression.

"Being honest with yourself starts with admitting your wrongs and accepting the consequences of your mistakes." Changmin raises his glass to Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun fills his own again before toasting with Changmin's.

"To being honest," Changmin declares.

Kyuhyun chuckles. "May I finally do it."

They gulp down the alcohol; Kyuhyun feels the burn a lot less since he's had his first shot already. It warms his body enough to loosen his nerves. "One day," Kyuhyun whispers. "I'll be able to tell you what happened between me and Sungmin." He gives Changmin a shaky smile. "But for now, let me just live with the consequences."

 

 

Kyuhyun jolts upright, eyes opening wide to the view of his messed up desk. Still a little dazed, he checks the time on his phone and breathes a sigh of relief as the lights display that not a day has passed since he fell asleep. He blinks a few times and tries to decipher what woke him up.

"Kyuhyunnie," Jungsoo's voice filters through the door accompanied by two knocks.

As Kyuhyun's head clears, he gets up and answers the door a little blearily than he'd intended. "Hyung, wassup?"

Jungsoo clicks his tongue but there's a fond smile on his face.

"Sungmin messaged all of us, asked us to gather in the living room. You're the only one we're waiting for."

Kyuhyun checks his notifications and finds the one for Sungmin's message on their group chat. It's the one with the managers' on it and Kyuhyun feels his heart stop for more than a second (he's sure).

"Let's go," Jungsoo urges, watching as Kyuhyun follows him up towards the 12th floor dorm.

Kyuhyun's stomach drops to the floor at the packed sight of the living room. The managers are complete and even Jongwoon, Henry and Zhou Mi are present. This is big news, he thinks.

Kyuhyun takes hesitant steps to the armrest beside Ryeowook, the closest and only vacant space. In front of them, right in the middle, Sungmin stands. When Kyuhyun faces front, he finds a bitter looking smile on Sungmin's face, his eyes seemingly meeting his own. Kyuhyun tries to look away but Sungmin holds his gaze and most likely the air that he breathes. No matter how much he tries, Kyuhyun can't take a breath.

Kyuhyun watches as Sungmin takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and says, "I'm getting married."

For a moment, everything is quiet. Kyuhyun hears nothing, absolutely nothing. But when he takes a deep breath, he hears the whoosh of the wind as he inhales and it sets a chain reaction. The managers all stand up, his ears ringing with the sound of feet scraping the carpeted floor. Jungsoo slaps his hand on the armrest of the couch followed by disbelieving laughter from Heechul. Kyuhyun hears all this, takes it in until all he can hear is ringing. Never-ending ringing.

A lot of the members have stood up. Most of them have frowns on their faces, even Sungmin's closest friends. Ryeowook has long ago left Kyuhyun's side to mutter by Sungmin's side. Everyone looks displeased aside from Henry who has a wide smile on his face and Zhou Mi with his knitted eyebrows as he whispers back and forth with Henry. Kyuhyun backs away from the crowd circling in on Sungmin, their chatter turning from soft whispering echos to nothing.

Kyuhyun's backed up against the wall when someone shouts. He doesn't understand what the person says, can't even decipher who shouted. And just like that, he's brought back into reality.

The murmurs are no longer quiet but loud reprimands. Everyone talks over one another and Kyuhyun suddenly finds himself in the middle of it. Sungmin has his head hung low as Jungsoo interrogates him on one side and Youngwoon and Heechul reprimand him on the other. Hyukjae, Donghae, Donghee and Ryeowook try their best to defend Sungmin who doesn't say anything, but it's obvious from the tight lines on their faces that they're not happy about the situation as well. The rest of the crowd seem divided between happy and disappointed.

"What were you thinking?" Kyuhyun hears someone ask. The voice sounds awfully like Jungsoo but he can't say for sure.

"Don't you think you should have asked permission from the board first?" One of the managers say, Kyuhyun's not too sure who.

"Why now?" Someone from the crowd asks but the voice is too soft for Kyuhyun to decipher.

It isn't until he can't hear the clamor anymore that he realizes that he has the front door of the dorm shut right in front of him. Before he can think about it, he turns away and walks back to the dorm below. He focuses on his feet as they drag themselves into the elevator and only lifts his gaze to watch the doors close. And when they do, he falls down on his knees and takes in all the air Sungmin stole from him. Sungmin's words echo all around him, trapping him in their endless tirade.

I'm getting married.

 

♪♬ ♪♬

 

Something soft, like a feather, dusts the apples of his cheeks and it stirs Kyuhyun awake.

"I love you," someone whispers, breath fanning against Kyuhyun's face.

It's a strangely familiar sensation and it forces Kyuhyun to open his eyes. At first, all he sees is a blur and the voice whispers again, "I love you, Kyuhyun."

Kyuhyun blinks several times. The warmth on his cheeks becomes a prominent fixture as the background becomes recognizable. He blinks a few more times and this time, he's greeted by a face.

"Always."

"Sungmin," Kyuhyun croaks out as Sungmin's warm smile greets him.

 

♪♬ ♪♬

 

Kyuhyun bolts upright, his breathing coming out in harsh pants and his hands gripping tightly at his blankets. He looks around and finds that he's in his room, the mess of his desk clear as day and the soft rays of dusk filtering through the closed window. He relaxes back into his headboard and feels for his phone somewhere on his bed.

After checking the time, Kyuhyun massages his temples and looks solemnly at the papers on his desk. "What the hell was that?" He asks himself. He scoffs as the memory of his dream becomes clearer and the meaning of everything settles deep into his gut.

Without much thought, he gets up from his bed and walks to his desk. He revives his laptop and reaches for the scattered music sheet. He takes the first page and gives it a sad smile. He can hear the words in his mind that would fit the melody perfectly.

Before the words can leave him, Kyuhyun grabs the pencil laying at the edge of his table and writes them below the notes, softly singing along. He writes them down one by one, feeling his heart break with each word he lets go. He continues to write even as his hand aches and only stops when all the words he needs to let go are on paper.

Kyuhyun looks at the sheets in his hand and jolts back when a wet spot appears on the inch of space at the side of the paper. He presses his fingertips against his cheeks and shakes his head at the wetness he feels. He gives a lonely laugh as he puts the music sheet back on the desk and cradles his head in his hands. Like a bomb breaking a dam, Kyuhyun lets the flood of his tears go.

For the first time in his life, Kyuhyun finally understands what it means to be honest with himself and it hurts. It hurts so bad.

A bang disrupts Kyuhyun's quiet sobs and he hurries in wiping his tears away before unlocking his door. He's about to open it when the intruder forces it open instead and pushes Kyuhyun back to walk in. Kyuhyun looks down to find Ryeowook's messy curls and behind him follows Donghee and Hyukjae. Before they can force themselves inside, Ryeowook closes the door on them and locks it.

"We need to talk," Ryeowook seethes, his voice between a threat and something much much worse. Kyuhyun swallows as he settles onto his bed.

"You need to fix this mess," Ryeowook begins, pacing back and forth. Kyuhyun avoids looking at him and focuses on his toes.

"This is all your fault. Do you even know why Sungmin is doing this? Do you?" Ryeowook screams the last two words and Kyuhyun looks up forcing down a choked sob.

"No! I don't, so please stop screaming at my face. How are you so sure this is my fault? Sungmin can marry his girlfriend for all he wants. Didn't Shindong hyung propose to his girlfriend through our album? What makes this so different?" Kyuhyun pants and he's surprised to find himself on his feet and towering over Ryeowook.

Ryeowook seems unfazed by Kyuhyun's anger, frown lines still marring his face. "Leeteuk hyung thinks it's too early for Sungmin to marry his girlfriend. We're at a point in our career where decisions like these could make or break us. Heechul hyung and Kangin hyung know they haven't been going out for more than a year and think that Sungmin's rushing things too much." Ryeowook's tone has turned to something softer and Kyuhyun relaxes a little as they both take a seat on the bed.

"But because some of us know the real reason Sungmin's marrying his girlfriend, we're also against it." Ryeowooks turns and locks eyes with Kyuhyun, holding his gaze with no intention of letting go. Kyuhyun feels himself whither from the look.

"And the reason is me?"

"The reason is because Sungmin's so in love with you that he thinks the only way he can move on is to marry the girl who's making him happy now."

Kyuhyun's jaw drops as the serious tone Ryeowook has only drives his statement home. Kyuhyun closes his mouth as Ryeowook's words echo in his ears and his dreams play in his mind. The more things makes sense the more Kyuhyun's heart feels like it's tearing apart.

"I can't fix this mess," Kyuhyun whispers, his head falling against his hands.

"Yes you can! You just have to tell Sungmin you're in love with him and he'll break up with his girlfriend." Ryeowook makes it sound so easy but Kyuhyun shakes his head.

"It's not that easy," Kyuhyun almost screams, standing up as anger fills every fiber of his being. "Telling Sungmin my feelings won't change the fact that I hurt him, that I ruined whatever it is we had. Telling him I—I—" he stammers. He takes a deep breath and softens his voice. "Telling him I love him doesn't mean I won't hurt him again."

Ryeowook's eyes widen at Kyuhyun's confession, his eyes a clear window for Kyuhyun to see through. At first Kyuhyun sees anger and then understanding and then pity. Ryeowook closes his eyes and shakes his head.

"And I thought you were finally being honest with yourself."

Kyuhyun sighs as he takes a seat beside Ryeowook. "I am." He smooths out the wrinkles of his face and takes a deep breath. "Sungmin is better off chasing happiness in a fruitful relationship rather than looking for it in something that I can never put a label on."

Kyuhyun can feel Ryeowook's hard look on him rather than see and he lets Ryeowook peel him open with his eyes. Kyuhyun doesn't feel like lying to anyone anymore.

"What are you going to do?" Ryeowook asks after a few minutes of silence, his tone hard and possibly seething.

"I'll tell Sungmin and I'll apologize to him. But I'm also going to wish him happiness on his wedding." Kyuhyun gives Ryeowook a smile. It's hurts his cheeks but he hopes Ryeowook buys it.

When Ryeowook sighs, Kyuhyun knows he doesn't. But he appreciates the pat he gets on his shoulder before Ryeowook walks out of his room. The crowd that gathered in front of his door is now gone but Kyuhyun knows Ryeowook will relay to them all the things that happened in this room. He knows that Ryeowook will leave it to him to finish things.

And Kyuhyun will, once and for all.

 

 

"Changmin?" Kyuhyun says over the phone. Changmin laughs from the other end of the line.

"You sound so serious, Kyu. Wassup?"

Kyuhyun feels himself smile, the first one in a while. "I need a favor."

"What is it?"

"It's about my original song, do you think you can do something for me?" Kyuhyun looks at the final draft of his self-composed song. The lyrics are clear, written in black ink instead of lead. Kyuhyun reads the lines under the title.

Music by: Cho Kyuhyun
Lyrics by:

 

 

Kyuhyun settles the lyrics in front of him. It's the last song still unrecorded for his solo album and he has the whole day to finish it up. The people in the booth set up the mic, fix the volume and Kyuhyun watches for the cue that tells him they're going to begin. When he spots the thumbs up behind the glass, Kyuhyun puts his headphones on and reads the sheet of paper in front of him.

My Thoughts, Your Memories
Music by: Cho Kyuhyun
Lyrics by: Shim Changmin

Kyuhyun sings like he's never sung before.

 

 

"Kyuhyun!" Junghoon calls out from their dressing room. Kyuhyun excuses himself from the coordi noona fixing up his makeup.

"Hyung," Kyuhyun greets, careful not to damage the powders and creams on his face.

"I need you to take a separate car back with me. We're going back to the company right after this." Junghoon looks up from his phone and Kyuhyun spots their numerous schedules for the day.

"Why, what's going on?"

Junghoon grins, his teeth flashing brightly under the dim lights. "The prototype for your album is out."

At first Kyuhyun doesn't understand, but when he does the smile on his face grows wide until he can't stop himself from smiling.

Kyuhyun goes back to getting ready for the music show with the stupid smile still on his face. He keeps the news to himself, deciding to wait until he's seen the album before he tells the members all about it. Even as they pester him for the reason of his smile, he just shakes his head and focuses on the performance they have for the day.

Kyuhyun's in the van with Junghoon at the driver's seat when his phone goes off with KakaoTalk notifications. It's from Super Junior's chat group and it takes a while before Kyuhyun gets what's going on but a screen cap with Sungmin and Saeun's pictures on it makes it all clear.

Saeun's entertainment agency have confirmed Sungmin's dating scandal, is the message that one of the managers says.

It's been weeks since Sungmin has told them about his wedding plans and with Kyuhyun's final album preparations in the works, he hasn't had time to properly react to the situation. Kyuhyun is afraid of the backlash that might happen since he still doesn't know where the members stand about the issue but once he sees Jungsoo's reply, Kyuhyun gives his phone a shaky smile.

Don't worry, Sungmin, we've got your back.

Kyuhyun looks up and stares out of his tinted window, letting his tears fall as more supportive messages pop up. He can’t bear to give his own just yet.

 

 

Kyuhyun looks at the album in his hands, reads and double checks all the contents, and smiles at his accomplishment. It almost feels like he's holding a trophy and he turns to the last few pages, the song 'My Thoughts, Your Memories' comes into view and he frowns.

"Junghoon hyung, I have a request," Kyuhyun says in the quiet room, surprising his manager a little.

"What is it?"

"It's about the album. I like it, but do you think you can make my own copy with some minor differences?" Kyuhyun asks.

"If it's something small I think I can help you," Junghoon says.

"I want to add a Thanks To and change this little bit here." Kyuhyun points to the Lyrics by: portion of the page.

"Okay, message me the details and I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks hyung," Kyuhyun whispers, feeling relief settle in his body.

"I really like it though so we can keep the layout for public release."

"Okay, I'll tell them. Wait here while I give the prototype back. We'll go home right after."

Kyuhyun swivels his chair as the door closes. He looks out at the dark sky littered with very little stars. He reads the messages he missed on the group chat and smiles at the supportive messages on them. Sungmin hasn't replied yet and Kyuhyun takes it as an opportunity to give his own.

'No matter what, hyung, we're a family and we'll always support you.'

A lot of the members reply to Kyuhyun's message, agreeing with him and feeling relieved at finally hearing his thoughts on the matter. Kyuhyun reads all these messages and allows them to tape back his heart little by little.

"I'm letting you go," Kyuhyun whispers to his phone as Sungmin's thank you message pops up. "I'm letting you go."

 

 

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath as he stares at his phone's Notes app. His fingers settle on the screen's keyboard and he thinks about the words he’s about to type. He feels a little insensitive as he types them and he pauses to reword his thoughts. He thinks of his words—how to go about saying them, before he puts his phone down. He closes his eyes and thinks of better ways to let them go. He thinks and thinks until his brain stops thinking and begins to recall—remembering, reminiscing—everything.
Kyuhyun remembers his dream—the sensation of lips and breath against his skin—before it bleeds into memories.

It starts off warm, happy, and bright. Kyuhyun pictures a smile, hears the rustling of sheets, and feels the softest breath of a confession. He allows a smile to take over his face and feels his body settle into the warmth of those memories. The wetness behind his eyes makes him open them, eyes clouded with emotion he doesn't want to name. He picks up his phone and rubs at his eyes, the memory a soft whisper in his ears.

Kyuhyun types out the first words he can think of. They're not "I'm sorry" like he expects. Not even "I love you" which is his second guess. He starts with something casual, something safe, but also very real.

Ryeowook's voice echoes at the back of his mind, 'Be honest with yourself.' Kyuhyun shakes his head to make it disappear, muttering to himself, "I am."

As Kyuhyun keeps typing, more memories come to his mind, from recent ones to ones from long ago that they almost feel like dreams. They come to him in waves that grow bigger, pulling him in their tide, and slowly but surely drowning him in their pressure.

It isn't until the screen blurs that he realizes tears pool at the edges of his eyes. The words get harder and harder to see but he doesn't stop typing. He lets the tears roll down, mirroring the downhill spiral of his happiness, lets the tear drop onto his screen as the last of his words get typed.

Kyuhyun takes in a shuddering breath as he pictures Sungmin's smile—so soft and beautiful, never anything but. He wipes the tear drops on his phone, half pondering how they'd gotten so many, and then wipes the wetness on his cheeks. He takes a quick read of what he's written, and before his fingers can give in to the urge of deleting everything, he sends the message to his manager.

He adds a quick follow up message, in case his manager thinks the letter's for him. It reads like it's for anyone, with no names or anything. Kyuhyun wants it that way so anyone who takes a look won't know who it's for.

From: Junghoon Manager Hyung
Got it! Don't worry. I didn't read it. Will make sure no one does. ;)

Kyuhyun sends in a quick thank you even though deep down, he is more than just grateful. He is so thankful that he feels like crying again. He desperately tries to hold them back but when he thinks of Sungmin's smile, imagines hearing his voice in his ears, they continue to fall without restraint.

'This will be the last time.'

 

 

The announcement for Sungmin's wedding comes out faster than the members expected. Just a few weeks before Kyuhyun's album announcement and Kyuhyun watches as Sungmin finds himself under the scrutiny of fans all over the world.

Everyone does their best to do damage control and at the same time be there for Sungmin. Sungmin spends the rest of his days in the dorm rather than the apartment he's practically sharing with his girlfriend. Kyuhyun hasn't seen Sungmin home this long in a while.

"Kyuhyun," one of the managers call out as they discuss the next course of events. Due to the scandal, everyone's gathered in one of the dorms. The managers are on their phones acting as mediators between the board and the group. Sungmin sits in the middle of it all apologizing repeatedly, eyes swollen and body slumped over.

"I'm sorry," the manager says. "We're gonna have to push back your album announcement. We wanted to do it sooner but we think we need to let this scandal blow over first. If we make an announcement now things might not look too good for you guys."

A part of Kyuhyun has expected this outcome and it's this part that lets him calmly nod at his manager's words.

"Thanks, Kyu," Jungsoo says as he catches the conversation and Kyuhyun offers him a rueful smile.

"No problem, hyung. Anything I can do to help."

A part of him is in pain, unbelieving that he's the victim of this mess, that his career suffers because of Sungmin's mistake. But then Ryeowook's words echo in his mind, that this was his fault and he realizes he has no reason to feel such despair.

I brought this upon myself, Kyuhyun thinks.

They spend the rest of the night doing damage control and by the time things are over, fatigue has Kyuhyun falling asleep on the couch of the 12th floor dorm. The weight of another person beside him wakes him up and Kyuhyun looks to his side to find a puffy faced Sungmin, his eyes red and wet and very guilty.

"I'm sorry," Sungmin croaks out, his fingers gripping the fabric of the couch tightly. "They told me about your album and I'm so sorry." Sungmin cries, his sobs breaking his apology and Kyuhyun's heart aches as he takes Sungmin into his arms.

"Hyung," Kyuhyun whispers. "You have nothing to be sorry about." Kyuhyun feels like a thorn is stuck in his throat and it makes it hard to speak but he ventures on. "As long as you don't regret your decision, then you have nothing to be sorry about."

Kyuhyun feels Sungmin's grip on the fabric of his shirt tighten and Sungmin sobs his eyes out for the last time that night.

"I'm sorry, hyung," Kyuhyun whispers, his apology clouded over by Sungmin's cries.

 

 

Kyuhyun finds himself in the company one early November morning. It's cold in the air-conditioned room and he rubs his gloved hands together for some friction. When the door opens to the conference room, Kyuhyun turns around to find Lee Sooman and Kim Youngmin with his manager.

"We're making the announcement of your solo album so we wanted you to come with us to our media room," Youngmin says in lieu of of a greeting. Sooman claps him on the back as they walk out of the conference room.

"I got your album already. I'll give it to you in the car," Junghoon whispers to him by his side as they take the elevator to the media room.

Kyuhyun finds himself greeted by staffs on phones and computers, ready to release official statements about Kyuhyun's solo album. They give him a hearty greeting and Kyuhyun bows in gratitude.

"Here," Sooman says as he hands Kyuhyun his own album, taking one for himself and Youngmin. "Let's take a photo to commemorate this event," he says, motioning for someone to take their picture. Junghoon volunteers, accepting phones offered to him by Sooman and Kyuhyun. Another staff comes out with a DSLR and takes their photo as well.

"You can keep that album," Sooman whispers by Kyuhyun's ears with a wink. Kyuhyun tries not to read into the action.

"Now, if Kim Youngmin-ssi would be so kind to do the honors," Sooman says, his tone slightly teasing.

"On the count of three," Youngmin says with a bored tone.

"One," the staff begins to counts.

"Two," Kyuhyun joins in.

"Three!"

It doesn't take long before Kyuhyun's phone vibrates nonstop with messages and notifications of congratulations. He smiles warmly at his phone before focusing on the cheers and congratulations of the staff all around him. They spend a few more minutes with the staff, accepting their welcome and congratulations before deciding to go back to the dorm.

Kyuhyun's in the car when his phone vibrates one last time. He brings out his phone and smiles sadly at the message displayed.

Sungmin hyung
Congratulations, Kyuhyun. I'm so proud of you.

It's a private message and it's the first one in a long time. Kyuhyun screenshots it before he can think otherwise.

"Here's your album," Junghoon says as they stop at a red light.

Kyuhyun takes the album in his hands, still wrapped in plastic, like the one he put in his bag. He opens it carefully, turns the pages to the end and smiles in relief at the changes made.

"Thanks, Junghoon hyung."

As soon as Kyuhyun gets home, he goes into his room and takes out his black sharpie. On the last page, he writes 'To: Sungmin'.

 

 

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath as he settles into the seat of the van. His schedule for the day has just ended and Kyuhyun isn't too excited about getting into his tuxedo just yet. His phone continues to come alive every minute with excited messages and pictures of s getting ready for the wedding.

Kyuhyun wishes he could take a detour, tell his manager to stop by somewhere else and skip the whole wedding entirely but he knows it's too late. Junghoon parks the car at the wedding hall and Kyuhyun exits the van with his tuxedo at hand. He greets the members as they pass each other in the halls but Kyuhyun makes sure to avoid Sungmin throughout the whole thing.

Ryeowook directs him to the empty dressing room where a coordi noona has just left. "Call for me if you need your hair or makeup fixed," Ryeowook says as he closes the door.

"Thanks," Kyuhyun replies as he settles his things along with the other members'. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and gets ready for the wedding.

By the time he steps out of the room, the hallways are already empty as music begins to play in the wedding hall. He takes a look around before diving back into the room. He takes quick steps to his bag, grabs the album with the small red ribbon on it and puts it behind his thick coat.

Kyuhyun gets a message from some of the members, asking him where he is. He makes his way through the large hall and hides in the corner, shadows hiding him from the eyes of the people. He replies once he's settled and waits for the bridal song to play. Before he turns his phone off, he makes sure to send one last message.

To: Sungmin hyung
Hyung, can you meet me at the hallway by the dressing rooms when you're free? It doesn't matter what time, I'll wait for you.

Kyuhyun pockets his phone and watches as Sungmin looks to the door and waits for the bride to walk in. A part of him wishes Sungmin would look a little to the right but he knows it's too late for that. When the bridal song plays, Kyuhyun closes his eyes and lets the tears fall.

When the pastor finally says, "I now pronounce you man and wife," Kyuhyun stands up from where he's seated and walks out of the banquet hall. The cheers soften when he reaches the hall he came from. He wipes his tears as he relaxes into one of the seats farthest from the garden where the reception will take place. He checks the time on his phone and waits for Sungmin, knowing he'll come no matter what.

 

 

It's been hours since the wedding ended and Kyuhyun has resorted to not counting the hours after the first two passed. The reception still seems to be in full swing from the faint music he hears through the openings surrounding the hall. A part of him has lost hope that Sungmin will come and it's that part that makes him get up on his feet, ready to leave. He has just turned back when footsteps clack against marbled floors.

Kyuhyun turns around to find an out of breath Sungmin, his black hair shining and his cheeks flushed from the little exercise.

"I'm sorry," Sungmin pants as he walks closer to Kyuhyun. "I couldn't exactly leave the party for me just like that," he jokes. Kyuhyun musters the strength to smile.

"It's okay. I promise I won't take up a lot of your time." Kyuhyun takes the album out of his jacket and hands it to Sungmin.

"What's this?" Sungmin asks, a bewildered look on his face. "You do know I already have your album, right?"

"I know, but this is different. I had it made different from the rest of the albums released. This one's just for you," Kyuhyun manages to say even though the words get caught in his throat.

Kyuhyun watches as Sungmin's fingers tremble as he unties the knot, slowly opening the album and landing on the last page where instead of the credits, Sungmin finds a 'Thanks to' dedicated just for him.

"What's this?"

"It's everything I've ever wanted to tell you," Kyuhyun whispers, his voice breaking as he tries his best not to let his tears sabotage his confession.

"I—" Sungmin starts to say but Kyuhyun cuts him off.

"I'm sorry, Sungmin," Kyuhyun gives Sungmin a sad smile. "I'm sorry for everything I ever did, for hurting you and for destroying the friendship we had. For everything. I know it was inexcusable and nothing I do or say will ever change what happened between us. But I want you to know, that despite everything I did—despite my stupidity—I really and truly love you." Kyuhyun's breath catches in his throat and he swallows, trying to get his airways to work right. He lifts his gaze and his heart stops at the tears sliding down Sungmin's face. Kyuhyun steels his heart, takes a deep breath and knows there's no going back from his decision.

"And it's because I love you that I wish you all the best in your marriage. Find happiness, Sungmin. Find the happiness you could never and will never find with me." Without thinking too much about it, Kyuhyun takes those few steps towards Sungmin, holds him by the face and kisses his forehead.

"Always," Kyuhyun whispers, lips brushing against Sungmin's fringe. He turns away then, walks out of the hall and waits until only silence becomes his companion.

Kyuhyun stumbles into a wall, sliding down to the floor and cries out. He shouts as loud as he can, his voice echoing back to his ears, locked in this hall alone for only his ears to hear. He shouts and cries until his voice comes out hoarse and his eyes sting from so much tears. It hurts. Kyuhyun doesn't think it will ever get better, but he knows with time it will. Things always heal with time. But Kyuhyun knows he can never love anyone like he loved Sungmin.

Always.

Kyuhyun cries for the last time, promises himself that this is the last time.

 

 

Sungmin's feet move of their own accord, taking those small steps to where Kyuhyun disappeared to. He finds himself stopping just by the arch to another empty hall. Kyuhyun's feet echo in the large space but little by little Sungmin can hear his sniffling until they turn into cries. Sungmin clutches the album close to his heart as he hides in the shadows, feeling his own tears resurface.

Sungmin remembers the wetness he felt against his hair from where Kyuhyun's cheeks touched them as he held him. He thinks how it isn't his imagination now as he hears Kyuhyun cry his heart out, his voice echoing so loudly through the halls. He feels his heart break with every cry, every sob Kyuhyun lets go. Kyuhyun's muttering something under his breath, something he can't decipher and it only strengthens the urge to approach the younger. He badly wants to walk to where Kyuhyun is and wrap his arms around him and tell him that it's okay. But Sungmin stops himself before he can, holds tightly onto the album in his hands and keeps his feet planted firmly on the ground.

"This is the last time," Sungmin hears Kyuhyun say through muffled cries, the words echoing behind the wall.

Sungmin chokes on his sob as he slides down the wall, trying his best to hold himself. The rest of Kyuhyun's tirade comes back to him, his confession, his apology—everything. Sungmin feels like a knife has stabbed him straight in his heart and he cries as quietly as possible, allowing Kyuhyun's cries to overpower his own. It is then that he remembers the album, the letter he'd found. He hopes that this letter can help him decide what to do next.

Sungmin hurries to turn to the last page, breathing ragged as he takes in the black ink of his name. Still, he smiles fondly at the large handwritten 'To: Sungmin' that Kyuhyun's written. His eyes blur a little and he furiously wipes the tears away so he can carry on reading.

I find myself thinking about the morning when you told me you loved me—it was the first and last time. In all honesty, I didn't think I'd even remember it. You told me when I was half-asleep and I thought it was all just a dream. It wasn't until a little later that I realized it was real... Much later...

It's too late to say this now but I want you to know that I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. In all the years that we spent together, but at the same time not really, I loved you then. In all the years we have spent apart because of my cowardice—in all the years after—I love you still. This might mean nothing to you now, but getting to finally admit this to myself—and to you—has made me breathe easier, opened my eyes a lot wider and allowed me to live a little better. I guess you feel a little cheated, huh? I am assuming this because I used to know you best. But I’m begging you, don't feel this way, because I don't deserve your feelings. I never did and I never will.

You might not want to hear or see this, but I need to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all those years I played with your heart, disregarded your feelings and stepped on them when you least expected. I'm sorry that I ruined whatever we had, that I pushed you to the brink of desperation and made you believe happiness could no longer be found because you thought you found it in me.

There are many things I regret, many things I wish I could do over but it's too late for that now. I'm sorry I never told you I loved you when it mattered and I'm sorry that I can't open my arms to you anymore. Not because of the situation, not because I don't love you anymore, but because I will hurt you over and over again even if you come back and forgive me. I can never put a name on what we had, on what we could have. I can't offer you that kind of happiness—satisfaction—you deserve.

All I can offer you is this. This album, this thanks to and "My Thoughts, Your Memories". If you look at the song now, you'll see that I wrote it. I want you to know that every note, every line, everything about this song was written with you in mind. This whole album was made just for you. This isn't nearly enough as an apology, thanks, and a profession of love—but this is all I'm good for.

I love you. I will always love you.

Sungmin breathes in, his breath coming in like a gasp before he sobs. His sobs start out soft, muffled in his hands, until he can't keep them to himself anymore. He cries harder, turning into wails that could rival Kyuhyun's crying on the other side of the wall.

Sungmin imagines a future with Kyuhyun in that moment. He imagines taking Kyuhyun's hand, telling him they're worth the risk and disappearing from this world that's tearing them apart. He imagines going to a country where they're barely known, imagines owning a house with Kyuhyun, going home to this man and waking up in the same bed. He imagines the smile Kyuhyun would have on his face when their eyes open. He imagines the I love yous in the morning and in the night, the I love yous every minute of every day. Sungmin imagines and imagines until Kyuhyun shouts, so loud and so broken, like he's lost everything. Sungmin's dreams shatter right before his eyes as he opens a tear-filled gaze towards his album, now wet and wrinkled.

Kyuhyun's cries have calmed down, and Sungmin listens for something—anything. Kyuhyun hiccups, but Sungmin isn't sure if Kyuhyun's still crying. There's a clack of shoes; they echo in the hallway before they fade away. Sungmin takes a deep breath and waits until he can't hear anything anymore. He gets up on shaky legs and looks at the hall Kyuhyun just exited.

There is no one there, just as Sungmin expected. There is no trace of Kyuhyun at all. Sungmin looks at the opening from which he knows Kyuhyun went through.

"If I follow you," Sungmin begins. He looks at his album, remembers Kyuhyun's words and swallows. "You're gonna hurt me again and again." He mulls over the words and lets them sink in before turning his back on the opening. Sungmin closes his eyes as he takes one step forward back where he came from.

When Sungmin looks up, the bright lights of the garden are the first thing he sees. The number of guests has greatly decreased and he can see his bride, Saeun, smiling brightly as a few more bid their goodbye. Sungmin hurriedly wipes the tears away from his eyes, fixes his appearance to the best that he can and gives the album—the letter—one more longing look before hiding it behind his jacket.

He can almost hear Kyuhyun's words as he walks back to his—now—wife. It's almost as if Kyuhyun's right behind him, whispering his letter in his ears. Sungmin pretends it's the cold winter night that makes him shiver.

"This isn't nearly enough," Sungmin hears the whispers of the wind.

Sungmin puts on a brave smile, a little painful on the corners of his lips and thinks, It’s enough, Kyuhyun. It is.

 

 

 

 

 

"Kyuhyun," someone whispered in a singsong manner.

Kyuhyun scrunched his eyes but refused to open them. His body still ached from the activities of last night and all he wanted to do was sleep some more. The body beside his chuckled and Kyuhyun ignored the sound as he pulled the warm person closer.

Fingers played with the tip of his hairs on his nape and soft hair tickled the smooth skin of his chin. The sensation kept his mind half awake and paying attention to the surroundings.

"Are you awake, Kyuhyunnie?" Sungmin's voice whispered against his throat, his lips brushing against Kyuhyun's Adam's apple.

Kyuhyun didn't bother replying and just waited for what Sungmin had to say. Sungmin pulled back from Kyuhyun's embrace and settled his hands on Kyuhyun's cheeks. He the soft skin, a relaxing gesture that almost lulled Kyuhyun back to sleep.

"This is my chance," Sungmin whispered as he drew a little closer. "I love you, Kyuhyun," he breathed. Kyuhyun's mind processed the confession but he couldn't open his eyes to take the confession in properly, they were so heavy. Sungmin leaned in then, his breath warming Kyuhyun's face, rubbing their nose together before pecking Kyuhyun on the lips. "I'll always love you."

"Even if you can't hear me, I'm happy that I at least got to tell you," Sungmin sighed as he wrapped Kyuhyun's arm around him.

Kyuhyun finally opened his eyes then, eyesight blurred at first but clearing to find Sungmin's face inches away from his own. Sungmin, on the brink of falling asleep again, looked beautiful under the early morning glow coming from the window. Kyuhyun focused his gaze on Sungmin's lips as they mouthed, "Always."

Kyuhyun closed his eyes again, held Sungmin close and smiled.