Silence lay like a down-filled duvet in the room, muting the slightest sound and creating an atmosphere of total tranquility. The quietness was almost tangible, no rustle of clothing, breathing slow and barely audible, even the once creaking of the building settling was stilled as though to order. Her eyes remained fixed on the photo frame at the other end of the room, head slightly leaned on the glossy window. You may think that her eyes are filled with tears probably because of the endless hours of staring and spacing out, but if you look closer enough, behind that pair of teary eyes stood a girl who is tired of thinking, tired of crying, and tired of feeling.

Fifteen years ago, she took her first step into the entertainment industry. She knew nothing about her future and she knew nobody in the company. She was just a simple girl who learned to love singing, and she gave her all in everyday of her life in those empty training rooms, even if her future was still an untold story then. Her anemia was not mild, and it definitely takes a huge toll on her health whenever training gets tough. But this strong-headed girl never gave up.

“Jessica Jung, you only have one chance,” she would whisper to herself.

She forgot how long has it been since she first started, after all, months passed like weeks and weeks passed like days being in the same four walled room. Trainees come and go. She watched how those who couldn’t handle the pressure walked out of the building and never returned; she applaud those who persevered through the hardest time and own a stage of their own; she learned from those who knew their dreams; and she learned to embrace her passion to be a successful singer one day, even if it was going to be a tough road ahead.

Slowly, Sooyoung, Hyoyeon, Yoona, Seohyun and the other girls joined her. The final line-up was out and to her, it seemed like the days towards their official debut was arriving. The closer they were to owning a stage of their own, the more she felt like the seven years of endless trainings were worth it. That undesirable slump which she had fallen into, those tears she shed because of her inferiority and how she was never an outgoing person, and those painful moments whenever her anemia made her weak; they were all worth it. Because that moment when she was on the stage, she knew that being in Girls’ Generation was the most beautiful moment in her life.

She smiled, so faintly as her tears fell unknowingly. The picture had stood at the same position for years next to her bed; the smiles of the nine girls in it were ever innocent and genuine. She wished she could close her eyes just once more, and that everything could go back to where it started. Then maybe, she wouldn’t have taken that path. It is not because the fifteen years of friendship meant nothing to her. But in fact, it is all because it meant so much that she would rather she had never had them than to lose everything in one night, so painfully, so helplessly.

“Unnie?”

The knocked on her door brought her out of her thoughts as she got up to answer the door. As expected, it was Krystal.

“You should just leave the door open if me staring at you is the only way to stop your tears,” the younger one nagged. Krystal was worried sick for her. She wished she could just do the least bit for her sister but she didn’t know how else to go about doing it. All these years, it has always been Jessica solving her own issues, Jessica protecting her little sister and Krystal was always the protected one under Jessica strong pair of wings. But this time, the matter blew up so disastrously that Jessica could no longer resolve it. Everything happened in one night and it was such a huge blow that she had lost her willpower.

“I did not!” Jessica protested with a pout. She looked perfectly fine right now, she looked like she had finally put down the pressure and stress that she had been shouldering for the past fifteen years, but the truth is, she is completely broken. Look past her pair of eyes and you will see how badly hurt she is. Fifteen years of her youth went past just in the blink of an eye; fifteen years of her youth was dedicated to chasing nothing but only one chance to debut when many of us at that age knew nothing about chasing our dreams; fifteen years of her life spent with eight other girls where they started not knowing about each other to only having each other in this journey; fifteen years of her life spent sweating, tearing, and training endlessly for nothing but to keep the flame of Girls’ Generation going. This girl had given her all, but her dreams were all dashed overnight, like her real nightmare had just begun.

“Unnie,” Krystal called out softly.

The hug that Krystal embraced her with was so tight, so tight that she felt like it was warm all over again ever since the news blew off. She closed her eyes for once, not afraid of the darkness and emptiness as she realized how tired she was. Fifteen years of memories flashed at the back of her mind, she smiled a little, and her heart went on breaking a little more too.

“Gomawo,” she whispered.

Krystal gently squeezed her sister’s hand as she tried hard to hold back those tears. Jessica smiled; trying to convince the younger one that she will be fine by herself but Krystal knew it was merely a mask. Yet, she chose to leave the room quietly; because Krystal knew that the best support that she could give now is to not brutally expose the brave front that Jessica had given her all to put on. It was like the last bit of protection she was left with.

There are wounds that never show on the body; they are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

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She took a seat on her bed. Her cold and delicate fingers reached out for the photo frame as she carefully traced the silhouette of the girls in the picture. She slowly shut her eyes, hands still gripping tightly on the photo as she rested her head on the pillow.

Flashback:

“Unnieeeeeeeee!” Yoona’s aegyo echoed through the room the moment she barged in. Jessica coldly glared at the girl in front of her before letting out a slight chuckle upon seeing Yoona’s pout.

“I knew you are the only one who appreciates my cuteness,” the younger girl exclaimed excitedly as she hopped onto the bed before lying next to Jessica.

“As long as you don’t do it excessively,” she chuckled before throwing the other half of the blanket over Yoona, aggressively but ever caringly.

“And I knew you are the warmest ice princess!” the choding cheered.

“You don’t seem happy recently, anything wrong?” Jessica started a rather solemn topic which she had always been concerned about but had no idea how to start. Now that there are only the two of them, she couldn’t think of a better opportunity.

Yoona merely nodded, smiles all gone as she leaned on Jessica’s shoulder.

“You know you can always say it out,” the older girl whispered.

These two were never known for being close or widely shipped in the group. They never really had many moments in front of the cameras unlike the usual duos that fans go crazy for. But the fact is, they were one of the closest in the group, probably because the longer years of friendship and the fact that they complement each other well. Jessica had always enjoyed the fun brought about by this little sister and Yoona had always looked up to Jessica and was grateful for the concerned that the Ice princess had always been showering her with.

“Maybe my existence in the group is really redundant… I am not good with my vocals and definitely not extremely good in dancing. It feels like fans are right?” Yoona whispered, voice almost inaudible towards the end as inferiority strikes her hard.

“I couldn’t even open my mouth and stood there crying during my first audition,” Jessica replied.

“It was so bad, but it doesn’t mean the end. You just have to prove them wrong,” she continued. She knew about those harsh comments that people have been putting up online, and she knew that Yoona was also like any other girls who will get hurt reading them. But all she could do then, was to really keep cheering for her.

Yoona smiled, and laughed a little when Jessica deliberately flashed her all-mighty princess attitude to cheer the younger girl up.

“You should try hard before you give up, and believe in yourself. Girls’ Generation is never complete without you,” Jessica assured her with a smile, gently ruffling her hair before being taken aback by the tight hug that Yoona threw her with.

“Unnie, what would I do without you?” she whispered gratefully.

They both thought that they could be there for each other for eternity. At least at that moment, they both thought they could.

End of Flashback.

Jessica shuts her eyes tightly, thinking that those tears could be swallowed back. The room was huge, and everything was cold. She knew that she could close her eyes again and again to embrace those warm hugs in her memories; but the only thing that was stopping her is the fact that dreams are meant to be woken up from. She can’t live in her memories forever, but the eight girls had given her too much to be left behind.

Sometimes, the more you get, the emptier you feel when the happy time is up.

She opened her eyes again, but the tears she tried to hold back fell and it landed on the photo she was holding onto tightly.

Maybe if she hadn’t started Blanc and Eclare, all these wouldn’t have happened. She knew that the girls were so supportive of her dream, but never once had she expected that to become the excuse for the company. So many times the idea of quitting hits her, yet so many times she brushed it off because of nothing but the group. She knew it wasn’t an easy route when she voiced out her dream to be