Is the love worth it all?

That question has stuck in my head for a long time. It shows up in every possible opportunity, it doesn't matter if it's when I'm focusing before performance, when I should just get rid of all my thoughts, taking a shower or when I'm sitting on a couch alone, waiting till you will again say something to me. Hyuna, what have we done?

I was going to answer that question in my mind, when I suddenly felt someone's arms around my waist. Of course it was you. Tentantively I turned around my head to look in your glazed eyes. Again the same thing. Everyday I see you in that condition. Everyday your shoulders are smashed by weight of your behaviour, you need something or someone, who will allow you to get rest from carrying that weight.

"Jiyoon... I'm sorry." You said quietly, turning your glance away from me. You were sad and embarrassed. Again, you're saying those two words, that are becoming more and more empty with everyday. They don't have any value for me, they have lost their magic that allows me to forget you your every goddamn mistake. So why am I still staring at you and I decide to let you off the hook? I think that we both don't know the answer. We can only keep guessing. Guess it's probably because of the fact that we can't make it without each other, we can't look at our sadness longer than two days. It destroys us from inside. If somebody would compare it to the burns, we would be a coal long time ago. There was the only one exception – when we wanted to end all of this, do you remember? Remember how long we survived it? Week. You know exacly how it was. Tell me, isn't it a thing that you're ashamed for?

"Hyuna, can we talk?" I asked you, heckling in your happy conversation with Sohyun. At the beginning you didn't want even to look at me, but when you felt mystified look from the younger girl, you gave up to not instill suspicion in her. She saw it too many times, when we fought spitting more and more poisonous venom. We went aside only to let me hear your caustic tone that was saying "What do you want?". I answered that it will take us only a while and then you don't have to see me. I suggested walking outside to make sure that nobody will hear us. We came out to stop near the gateway. There was a lot of dark clouds in the sky and the cold spring wind was bringing our skin goosebumps. But who cares about it now? If not the thing I wanted to tell you... Oh Hyuna, then I would warm you by my body's warmth, keeping you in my arms and while listening to your heartbeat I would cry my ing eyeballs out.

"Considering all last incidents, I think that it could be better if we..." I couldn't finish the sentence.

I am a coward.

I felt like something was stuck in my throat. Something that was displeasing it, because every word was causing me pain. At the same time I was feeling strange squeeze in my stomach, like someone was trying to get all my guts from me and the throat would be the way out for it. However I thought that I'm doing it for our's sake saved me. I took a deep breath.

"I want to end it Hyuna. There's not 'us' anymore'. And never will be." I don't even know when these words left my mouth. I was staring at you searching for any emotions on your face. I don't know what your eyes were saying. They seemed so emotionless as if the color of your eye's iris was about to disappear, being replaced by emptiness just to not let anyone to read from them anymore. Tell me Hyuna, how did you feel hearing these words?

Sound of you crying stifled by fabric of my shirt stopped me from thinking. Are you again crying? Hyuna, sweetheart. I'm worried that if it goes how it goes, you will be out of your mind. The worst thing about it is you're hurt by yourself. You're crying because you don't understand that I have the right to stay in close touch with other people. What's wrong with me talking with Gayoon alone, laughing and making fun with her? I remind you that this is my best friend. Yours too, since we are in one group. What don't you like in my conversations with Jihyun, when she seems to be worried? She's our leader, so we should show her our support, because it's her who always pay attention to us the most and she tries to cheer us up somehow. Sohyun is the youngest, so it's obvious that I will treat her like my younger sister. I want her to feel like she's at home, where she has older siblings, who are giving her feeling of safety and who will keep an eye on her, while she's growing up.

Why can't I be happy of my life, but you can?

It seems to you that I'm not jealous, but when I only make contact with anyone, you're throwing strange accusations on me. Hyuna, where have you lead this to? Why do you want to have me only for yourself, giving me nothingin return for being only yours? Only thing I got from you latly is coldness and emotionless. You don't remind me the same person, who was looking after me and was showing me her love. You have changed. You've changed, because you was able to finally find your whole world and now you threw it in the corner, not even noticing that. I feel like toy which you come back to, when nobody's getting attention to you, but you need to do something, because you are getting insane otherwise.

I felt your grip getting stronger, your hands holding strongly shred of my shirt, you were holding me like I was about to run away. But you exactly know I can't to this to you. So cry for us both, cry for our misfortune. Because you know, Kim Hyuna, I still love you and every glimmer of hope is my excuse to stay with you.

I was standing here not moving, waiting for your reaction. I will never forget what did you say to me back then, even if it was only a spite. You've hurt me, left a deep wound in my heart, which would never heal. I think that is the reason why I am weaker and weaker everyday. Every single day you keep cutting my heart into tiny pieces by your behaviour that is like a razor blade. Before long my heart will not exist. Everything will fall.

"From disgusting person that you are, I was expecting that. Don't worry, I knew it would happen. Finally my agony with you ends, Jeon Jiyoon." Excuse me? Am I a disgusting monster for you that was a problem in your opinion? So why did you agree to start our relationship? Why did you lie to me that you love me? You came back to the dorm, but I was still standing here and let the rain soak me. I swear that sky was crying with me back then.

I came back to our room in the evening. It was wrong move to switch your place with Sohyun's. I didn't want to look at you right now, but I was doomed for that. And that's how the days passed. In front of the girls we were pretending that we can talk as usual, but it was bothering them that we weren't holding each other as we used to, and they could feel difference in our words. And here comes the night when I woke up and felt strong embrace. After all you did, you was brave enough to lay down on my bed and embrace me with all your strength. Say, why did you do that? You melted my heart with that action and I didn't have bravery to refuse you, to wake you up and tell you to get off me. Because you know, Hyuna, I was still thinking of you, all the time, and I was missing you. I noticed that you're in the same situation, because you started to eat less and you're tired and sleepy all the time. And now you're laying down, snuggled in me and you remind me of a little kid, that was upbraided, so she looks for sanctuary. And the next day was the day, that you woke up and looked at me, there was uncomfortable silence between us, which you interrupted with words that I couldn't ignore. Sometimes you still know how to show your feeling.

"I love you, Jiyoon. I'm sorry I said all those things to you.I hope you will forgive me someday." You almost whispered these words like you were afraid of something. But you still where embracing me so hard, like you was ready to die.

I was trying to calm you down by your head. There are a lot of things that human's mind wasn't able to understand and our relationship was exactly one of them. Our day was depending on waking up in one bed, going for breakfast, conversation with girls, when you back away from me, and then you're cold and say that I don't care about you anymore. We spend time seperated, so as to return to each other in the evening, then you apologise me crying in my arms. It's not the same Kim Hyuna, whom I fell in love with. Maybe it's the same body, but the person inside it is different. My real girlfriends is only showing up, when she cries and when everything between us seems to be all right.

Sometimes I have sensation that I'm drowning. I lost my breath and I'm so close to the end. The rustle of the sea is relaxing me and the water is caressing my skin. Your tears are this water and rustle of the sea is your cry. It brings me back to the reality, which is unchangeable. I still love you and I would do everything to keep you by my side.

"Are you mad at me?" You keep asking me the same question, as always. Monotony, no meaning, boredom, levity. It all fills me now. So I answer to you "No, sweetheart, now everything's alright." lying myself, yourself either. Eventually you lay down your head on my lap, only to fall asleep from tiredness. And I cover you up with blanket and look how sweet you seem when you sleep. I see angel that stole my heart. Your breath seems to be the sweetest in the world. Your lips, often covered with red lipstick, cause my knees to weak. Your touch causes me to want it more and more, because it soothes all the pain. You seemed to be ideal. Everything starts to be so easy. But today one thought came to my mind. If we drown togheter, we wouldn't mind what happens next. If we drown together, you'll be forever mine, and I will be forever yours, nobody could seperate us. We would float in the water till the end of the world. I know it's selfish, but I gotta ask you this.

Kim Hyna, if I would die, would you die with me?

I finally made typos disappear, but still there can be a lot of grammar errors.