Along the coast, the sand is white. The sand is fine. The sand is warm.

I look up at the blue sky. There’s no trace of cloud. The sky is like a crystal. Clear and beautiful. In its middle the Sun shines. Though there’s no cloud, the Sun is being very gentle. It showers down warmth, not pouring down heat. I feel comfortably wrapped in a warm blanket.

My body is warm. My heart is also warm.

No matter how lovely the Sun is; it can never compare with the other source of warmth I’m blessed with. I squeeze your hand which is holding mine. The feeling of you brings a smile to my lips.

Thankfulness washes over me when your hand tightens its grip on mine. Another dose of warmth shoots into my heart. I can’t help it. I turn and pull you into my arms.

How can someone be so soft and huggable? Do you know my heart melts right when you circle your arms around my waist, and whisper beside my ear? “Donghae…”

Oh my God… Your voice is so sweet, melodic and timid…

Do you know the way you call my name carries certain magic? My spell-bound mind and body can’t resist but to embrace you tighter, and strain harder to feel you? They rejoice in your closeness.

“Hyukkie…”

I kiss you. My lips brush against your cheek. I feel myself quiver. I taste your earlobe. I feel you shiver. I feel a fire kindle in my stomach.

I just can’t resist you Hyukkie. My eager lips explore the contour of your face, your neck. When they acquaint with your jawline, I feel subjugated. Or I feel the desire to subjugate. I hold your face between my palms and look into your eyes. Your eyes can smile. They can speak. They chant magic.

And I hear. I’m thankful nobody’s around. Clearly I hear our breathing, echoing the waves rushing to shore.

The fire in me is now wide-awake. It sets off streams of desires and thrills, now circulating freely, wildly inside me. You know… they have been suppressed for more than 10 years. How much I wanted you Hyukkie? How much I needed you Hyukkie? How much I missed you Hyukkie? Once they are set off, they go wild.

My lips are burning now. They’re eager. They’re hungry. They can no longer be constrained. I press them onto yours. I know I’m being a bit rough. But I can’t help it. My lips desperately need yours. Even after so many years, your lips remain temptingly soft.

Your innocent yet sinful moans just add fuel to the fire. My hands go wild. They get lost enjoying your charming body curves.

I keep kissing you, listening to your moans (they tell me you’re delighted), feeling the shivers of your body (they tell me how intimate we are)…

You’re here… Right here in my arms… How wonderful… How wonderful…

Hyukkie… You don’t know… all these years… how much I missed you… how empty I felt without you… how much I was a living dead when you’re not around… Thank you… for coming back to me… and bringing me back to life…

I feel tears in my eyes…

******

Here we are, in a hotel suite in Paris. You like Paris. Our honeymoon should be in Paris.

From here, on a grand balcony, we can take in the charming night view of the city. It reminds me of the paintings we saw together in the Louvre museum earlier today. The night sky, in shimmering dark blue, paints a mysterious, dazzling backdrop. On this backdrop numerous stars gleam like diamonds, giving off a noble, majestic vibe. Echoing that, the city lights dance like waves of a sparkling ocean. The atmosphere is tranquil. We’re in the center of a city, but at the same time shielded from everything happening outside. There are only the two of us, in this balcony, in this world.

When I settle my eyes on you, my breath is taken away. Your beauty… renders me speechless. Hyukkie… do you see? Just look up at the night sky. Can you count how many stars there are? Can you tell which one’s shining the brightest? No. No. It’s simply incomparable. In my heart, they’re not even shining. My shining star… It’s you… and only you Hyukkie…

I remember the first time we met. We were still in college. It’s a rainy day. And I was having a bad day. I was downcast. I was angry, upset… I felt I couldn’t breathe with so much expectation on me. The inter-college dance competition was to take place the next day. Yet I kept making mistakes during practice. I hated myself. I knew the others hated me as well. The so-called best dancer of our college… was letting everybody down.

When I was sitting alone on a bench, elbows flopped onto the knees, head bowed, shoulders slumped, my shining star came to me. I looked up when you patted my shoulder. I looked up and saw you. Your eyes… were speaking concern, blinking encouragement. You didn’t say anything. You just looked at me with those innocent eyes. Through them I knew right away. You believed in me… even when I felt so fragile and shaky inside. You accepted me. And you’d be there for me… Your beauty… took my breath away.

I knew how well you danced. I once saw you practice on your own in the dance room. I wondered why you didn’t participate in the dance contest of our college…

“Here. Drink some water.” You smiled! That’s the sweetest water I’d ever tasted. That’s the sweetest voice I’d ever heard. That’s the sweetest smile I’d ever seen. “And let’s try again together?”

It was so dream-like when we danced together in the dance room. I was completely mesmerized by your reflection in the mirror. Your moves were so fluid, your poses so perfect. Your timing was so accurate, your aura so capturing. And you made everything look so easy… while I perfectly knew how demanding and tricky certain moves were. You mastered them and they looked so easy on you… Breath-taking…

The next day I was conquering my nervous heartbeat, my sweaty palms, my dry throat, when I got the news that my dance partner was not coming. She said she’s not feeling well. However I knew she concluded she couldn’t win with me so…

“If you don’t mind, I can dance with you.” My shining star… again…

The two of us gazed at each other on the stage, in the center of the spotlight. You were wearing a subtle smile. Your demeanor was so at ease it magically showered calmness onto me. In the blink of an eye all my earlier worries and nervousness vanished. Looking into your eyes I found strength. I felt strong. Your mere presence brought me confidence and focus. The whole world hushed. It’s only you and me. It’s not a competition. It’s to dance perfectly with you.

And the music began…

I wanna love you…

I wanna have you…

……

I wanna love you, I can’t live without you…

……

I wanna have you, I really need you…

……

I saw you move and I echoed you naturally. Your feet caressed the dance floor as you levitated. And I just levitated with you… so easily… so naturally… The music, the melody, the rhythm swirled around you. And they swirled around me as well, seamlessly like never before. I no longer needed to recall the dance moves or counted the tempo in my head. I could forget about them. My body just blended in with the music, with you, freely without any hindrance. I simply danced, simply felt the rhythm, simply expressed the emotions…

I wanna love you, I can’t live without you…

……

I wanna have you, I really need you…

……

At the moment the music hit the last note we did the ending pose. Our pinky fingers touched and I realized… we were so close…

We got the first place. But that’s not so important.

The important thing was, my life changed. Since then the lyrics lingered in my head…

I wanna love you, I can’t live without you…

……

I wanna have you, I really need you…

……

And now, in this hotel suite, we are dancing again. After so many years we are dancing again. This is our honeymoon.

I find myself singing…

I wanna love you, I can’t live without you…

……

I wanna have you, I really need you…

……

For the rest of my life, I want to dance with you. Not just that. There are so many things I want to do together with you. We lost more than 10 years. During those years I wasn’t living. I didn’t have the energy to live. I barely felt my existence. But it’s OK. You’re back. You’re here now. We will do a lot of things. We will go to concerts together. We will go to restaurants together. We will go to see movies together. We will go for a walk together. We will travel together. We will be together. Forever. Together.

******

“Donghae!” You pout. I love the way you pout.

And I tickle you again. And again. Just to see your pout so lovely. And to hear your voice so cute. They send flutters into my stomach.

We’re cuddling. How can I not tickle you when we cuddle? I want to cuddle with you every day, every single day going forward. Just the thought puts me in an overdose of thrills.

“Stop it! Donghae!”

No sweetheart. You’re not going anywhere. I pull you back into my embrace, and tease your neck with the tip of my nose. You giggle. I love it.

“Hyukkie… My Hyukkie…”

You chuckle again and look at me. I’m like drunk staring at your smile. And the two of us just stay like that, enjoying the company of each other, for a joyful period of time.

I hold your hands. Gently I them. Slowly I take a deep breath. “Hyukkie… you know…”

These words have been buried deep in my heart for long. They’re very heavy words, weighing me down during those long years. I’m thankful that finally, I can convey them to you. This is a solemn moment to me. I treasure each and every single instant.

“I’m really sorry Hyukkie… I mean… REALLY… For what you’ve been through. Dear… I can’t express how sorry I am… for letting all these happen to you… 12 years… You lost 12 precious years Hyukkie… Hyukkie… I….” It turns out I can think of nothing else to say, to express my regret, other than the word sorry. The sorrow in my heart is now surfacing. Like currents they start to tumble.

I kiss your hand and press your palm onto my face. Thankful tears trickle down my eyes when my nerves feel your warmth, your pulse, your soft skin… “I regret so much for taking you to Mokpo. I feel so useless I couldn’t protect you…”

I lose it. I just sob. All my words, those I have prepared for so long, just get rinsed away…

You hug me. Your arms circle and squeeze my body, keeping me composed, keeping me from breaking down. Tenderly your face caresses mine. “Donghae. Don’t. Please.”

And then you press your forehead against mine and look into my eyes. “You waited 12 long years for me Donghae. You don’t know how thankful I am.”

I shake my head. I want to say I deserve it. Yet at that moment you press your index finger onto my lips. “Donghae…”

I’m stunned, subjugated by your beauty. The beauty I witness at this moment, is of another level. It’s not only your perfectly carved facial features, your eyes, your lips, your jawline… It’s more than that. Through your eyes I see your soul… which over the years accounts for a more significant portion of my admiration towards you… It’s the purity, the innocence, the kindness to accept, the willingness to forgive, the strength to conquer hardships… It’s a beauty of another level. It’s not the worldly beauty. It’s an elevated beauty you don’t normally find on earth. It shines so bright, it illuminates my own soul, my own spirit…

While my mind can’t do anything other than taking in your beauty, slowly you lean in, closing the distance between our lips. Hyukkie… Hyukkie… I’m going crazy… My heart is drumming and losing sanity… This beautiful angel in front of me… is leaning in to kiss me…

Your lips are brushing against mine, giving them the best, soul melting tease. I’m not sure if my mind, immersed in the sweetest treat, still hears you correctly. “Let the past stay in the past. We have today. And a lot of tomorrows. Let’s stay together… and love…”

I can’t wait any longer. Fiercely I kiss you. I need you Hyukkie… I need you… I want to pour all my effort into pleasing you, into bringing you joy, into making you feel like paradise…

Let me recompense… for those long 12 years we lost… Let me kiss you, hug you, pamper you, treasure you, tease you… every single day going forward. This is life. This is how life should be. Finally… we can be together… Finally… life is back on track… Finally…

******

The doorbell rings. Reluctantly I open my drowsy eyes. Mild sunlight through the window tells me it’s morning. Sleepiness still flows in my body, tying me to this cozy bed in this hotel suite. Raising my right hand I shield my eyes from the morning light. At the same time I reach out my left hand to hold you…

The doorbell rings again. It’s getting impatient. I in a sharp breath. Quickly I turn my body. You’re still here right Hyukkie? Hyukkie?

Seeing you next to me offers me one moment of relief. It’s a brief moment. And then I see you fade in front of my eyes. I hold you. Reaching out both my arms I hold you. Tightly. Desperately. “HYUKKIE!!! HYUKKIE!!!!”

“D… Dong… hae…”

I felt sticky liquid so hot, so thick keep flowing out…

I felt the liquid seeping through my fingers…

I felt the shivering hand in mine slowly, cruelly get weak, get cold…

“Hyukkie… Hyukkie!!”

Time came to stand still… when I didn’t hear any reply…

“HYUKKIE!!! HYUKKIE!!!!!!”

Desperately I grasped your hand.

Desperately I screamed your name through my throat, through my tears.

Desperately I cried out in my head.

Everything’s gonna be alright…

Everything’s gonna be alright…

Everything’s gonna be alright…

There’s a loud bang in my heart, when the door of the suite is banged open. I tremble as I hear an army march in. I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t need to look to know the white troop is armed with injections I’m too familiar with. I know what they’re plotting. They will give me shots, which would drag me into slumber, lock me up, over and over again until I agree to their lies. They are bad people. Why are there so many bad people on earth? Why is God not doing the clean up? Why is He not taking the bad people away? WHY DID GOD CHOOSE TO TAKE THE ANGEL AWAY??????!!!!!

“Donghae.” It’s Siwon’s voice, one I don’t want to hear. I grab the pillows and bury my head under them. If only I can smother myself to death right now…

Siwon’s voice comes again. I feel its assertiveness. I don’t like it. “Donghae face the reality! Open your eyes!”

I know what’s coming next. I know what Siwon’s going to say next. Immediately I jump out of bed. I have to stop him.

“Hyukkie is dead.”

“SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I try to knock Siwon over. But there are numerous strong arms pulling me back. Instead my hands are gripping Siwon’s forearms now. My fingers are digging into them… mercilessly… as mercilessly as how his last three words punched holes into my heart. It hurts… It burns… How dare you… HOW DARE YOU!!!!

Those three words were like bullets. In addition to pain they ignited burning rage in me. My eyes, glaring at Siwon, are darting as much anger as pain. I glare at Siwon. I want to burn holes into him. I want to glare him into taking his words back…

……

After a long, dead silence…

“Donghae…”

I see his face crack in sorrow. I see my pathetic self reflected through the tears glistening in his eyes.

It’s like somewhere cuts were made. I’m torn and through the cuts my earlier rage, which was fierce enough to burn down this hotel, just slips away. I’m filled with emptiness… a swelling emptiness that’s eating my soul…

I drop my head. Siwon comes to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “Look. Donghae. Hyukkie’s not here. It’s… your imagination…”

I’m too drained to speak. Siwon continues. “Donghae… let’s… go to see Hyukkie… OK?”

I can’t hold it anymore. I see the first drop of tear stain the carpeted floor. And then my vision gets blurry. As I cover my face with my hands, unceasing tears surge out. I hear myself wailing…

Hysterically I wail…

******

Room 415.

I look at you. You have not changed a bit. Things haven’t changed right? Have they?

I take a deep breath and look around this room. It’s a white room. The lights are white. The walls are white. The table is white. The bed sheet is white. They dress you in white Hyukkie… and cover you in a white blanket…

But it’s still a gloomy room…

I’ve come here every evening for the last 12 years. If I look back, I see my life in this room.

And I can also see my future in this room. Without you, there’s basically nothing here… right?

I settle my eyes on you again. You’re as beautiful as ever. You’re lying in the same bed. I’m sitting on the same chair, beside you. I hold your hand and I feel its warmth. My dear… you are beautiful. Your sculpture like facial features… Your marble like skin… You’re like a piece of art Hyukkie… You’re so beautiful I can’t help my tears.

I sob as I kiss your hand. I can taste my own tears… Bitterness… Gradually my inside echoes this bitterness. It erodes me… The pain is crushing, suffocating. It’s killing me…

The earthquake-like feeling is still vivid in my head, in my heart, in my bones… when the doctor broke the news to me… He said you’re dead Hyukkie. How could this be? Aren’t you still here? Aren’t you still breathing? Isn’t your heart still beating? Isn’t your blood still flowing? Isn’t your body still functioning? Aren’t your hands still warm?

They told me there’s no longer any activity in your brain… They told me you have silently left. Your body is still here but… quietly your spirit, your soul, you… have moved on…

“Hyukkie… where are you…? S… Stop wandering… Come… COME BACK!!!” I feel myself shaking. I’m overtaken by fear…. overwhelmed by despair… Have you forgotten Hyukkie? You’re my shining star… I’d get lost in the dark without you. Don’t you know? Beneath this seemingly cheerful, confident mask, deep inside I’m insecure and fragile? I’m afraid of the dark Hyukkie… Don’t leave me… I beg you… Don’t make me walk alone in the dark… No… No… What am I suppose to do without you?

They told me to let you go… They told me to sign a document… which would allow them to unplug all these machines sustaining the vital functions of your body…

Siwon told me to face the reality. He said I should carry on with my own life. He said I should say farewell to you Hyukkie.

“I can’t Hyukkie… I can’t… Don’t… make me… do this Hyukkie…” I cling to you and bury my face in the pillow beside your head.

I can’t let go. I’d rather live the rest of my life in an illusion… than drag my soulless body alone through this cruel reality…

Don’t tell me the last 12 years has been a waste of time. I’ve been leaning on you for strength Hyukkie. I’ve been trying to stay strong, and positive… Don’t tell me all these efforts turn out to be futile!

Life shouldn’t be like this! I didn’t know breathing could be painful. I didn’t know eating could be painful. I didn’t know every heartbeat could bring me pain. I’ve never imagined that life could become so painful, dreadful and hopeless that I’d turn to death for salvation.

I take out my pills. They glint under the white light. Can they take my pain away? Can they send me to where you are Hyukkie?

If there’s no other way…

……

“Donghae!!” I have no idea when Siwon entered the room. He should have announced his presence. So annoying!!! He tries to snatch my salvation away. But I wouldn’t let him. “No Donghae! He wouldn’t want to see you like this! Wake up Donghae!”

I bite Siwon’s arm, hoping that would force him to release his grip on my hand, hoping that would earn me one moment to deliver the pills into my mouth and down my throat. And then Siwon slaps me.

Everything halts for one moment.

……

And right at that moment… I see your eyes flicker…

I throw myself at you. “Hyukkie!!”

And your eyes flicker again… It takes my breath away…

-------------------------------

A/N: I actually didn't plan to write a sequel but something inspired me recently...

A/N2: It looks like angst is still my strength. I hope you enjoyed the story.

A/N3: Yes I'm working on my other stories. Recently I switched jobs, put a halt to my part time study... a lot of things.