^{_{. .}} nine ^{_{. .}}

The sight in front of him gives him an unfamiliar feeling down on his stomach as he leans against the doorjamb with heavy bags under his almond eyes. Three hours has most likely been all the sleep he has gotten during the night, and it almost makes him wonder if he’s actually still sleeping, and this is only a piece of a strange dream.

But he knows he’s not dreaming, and as the girl under the other end of the mattress sighs in her sleep, startling him from the myriad of thoughts that has been occupying his mind for the whole night, he hastily closes the door of his bedroom. His breaths are suddenly superficial and rushed when he leans against the cold door and closes his eyes, slowly sliding down against it and sinking to sit on the floor.

Hyukjae bites his lips and crushes his eyes closed, shaking his head as the sight keeps flashing in the back of his head. It’s his stomach that reacts to this the most, and the churning won’t calm down even when his breathing finally calms down to a normal level.

Is he really doing this? Is he really ready to change the course of his life, and start acting like he should have a long time ago? Is he ready to be a father to a four year old little girl?

In the midst of his turmoil, he suddenly hears a familiar voice repeating words he heard just a night ago.

He was standing in the hallway of Donghae’s home, waiting for him to come back down from his room where he had left to pick up some clothes for the next day. Jaemin was standing close to him, her little fingers grasping to the hem of his leather jacket. She never hesitated to claim some support from him, which scared Hyukjae a lot. They had been waiting for a minute already, when Donghae’s mom then suddenly emerged from the kitchen with a plastic bag on her hand, lifting it towards Hyukjae with a smile on her face.

“Take this.”

“What is it?” Hyukjae asked, not sure how he should have been feeling. At all. He had been quite out of it thorough the whole dinner, and he still wasn’t exactly back to his usual senses.

“Some leftover food for you three,” she said with a calming tone, which did all but calmed Hyukjae at this point.

“Why?” he asked, voice wavering and throat feeling horribly dry. His eyes were wide, cautiously staring at the middle-aged woman whose behavior he still couldn’t understand.

“It’s not easy,” she started, her expression confusing Hyukjae. “It takes a lot to be a parent. It’s never what you expect it to be. There’s always something coming along, and each day teaches you something new. I have two kids, but trust me, no one is a born master, even in parenting. Goodness, how insecure I was when our first, Donghae’ older brother was born. Me and my husband were young, and all fingers and thumbs when Donghwa filled our life. It felt like we did nothing right. Every day we had to face that feeling, but at the end of the day, we knew all the obstacles would be worth the struggle.”

Hyukjae stared at her, mouth agape, feeling a lump up on his throat.

She gave him a smile, a warm smile so honest he had to bite his lips between his teeth to keep calm. She wasn’t judging him – it was as if she actually believed in him, even when she didn’t say a word directly at him, until the few small words that weren’t much, but still meant more than he first expected.

“You’re a good man, Hyukjae.”

He couldn’t get a single word out of his mouth, when Donghae finally rushed down the stairs and immediately went to pull his shoes on, rambling something to his mother, which Hyukjae couldn’t make any sense of. He was too distracted.

“Shall we go then?” Donghae turned towards him, eyes surprisingly neutral and without a hint of his usual scorn.

The brunet was only able to nod, feeling his forehead thudding again. Was it the stitched wound or everything else, he couldn’t be sure.

“Thanks for the dinner, mom. I’ll call you later.”

“Sure thing. If you need anything, just give me a call, any time. And Hyukjae,” she said, eyes warm, “Remember what I just said.”

When they exited the house, and Donghae was walking in front of him and reaching the parked car first, he suddenly turned towards him with confused eyes, furrowing his brows. Hyukjae held the bag on his fingers, knuckles unconsciously turning white.

“What did she mean? What should you remember?”

Hyukjae opened and closed his mouth for few times, before he was able to say anything.

“Uh, just that I would remember to put the food in the fridge when we get home.”

Donghae’s frown got even deeper, and it was obvious he didn’t believe a word he was saying.

“Oh, really?” the younger then mumbled, quirking his eyebrow as he opened the Hyundai’s door.

“Really.”

There was no way he would have been able to get anything more coherent out of his mouth. Donghae rolled his eyes, before he sat down on the car without further prying, starting the engine.

Sitting in the car as they drove back to his apartment, he couldn’t get any of Donghae’s mother’s words to stop spinning inside his head.

Could he really be a good man…? Or a parent, to begin with?

He has made his decision, but how could he not be scared to death either way? He wants to give it a go, and how could he not, when every other option doesn’t sound any better?

She’s my daughter. My own flesh and blood.

Hyukjae slowly stands up and grips onto the handle of the door again. He opens it cautiously, and takes another peek of the two who are still sleeping soundly beneath the blankets. His eyes drift to the girl’s dark mop of hair that has gotten curls because the yesterday’s braids, her body otherwise wholly covered in the big duvet, making her look so small. He then turns to gaze the man sleeping on the other side: Donghae is sleeping on his stomach, face turned to Hyukjae’s way, quiet snores and snuffles emitting from his partly opened his lips. His almost black fringe covers half of his forehead, and the blanket covers only the lower half of his body, showing of the red t-shirt he’s dressed in. And he looks peaceful.

The whole sight is so surreal, but at the same time, it somehow manages to warm his plugged heart. The wheels in his head are turning in dispatch, and he knows trying to convince the other man is going to be just another hard crux on his way he now has chosen to take.

But there is no turning back anymore.

It’s 9:10am. The TV is blaring in the distance, the ever so cheery kids’ shows making noises that sets his mind go haywire as Jaemin has gone to watch them after eating breakfast. Otherwise it has been silent for the past ten minutes, and Hyukjae’s starting to feel terribly queasy as he’s left with Donghae sits opposite to him at the little kitchen table, sipping his coffee and focusing to the newspaper Hyukjae himself never even opens despite the fact it falls down his letterbox every single day. The younger man doesn’t give him any signs of the discussion they shared yesterday about him threatening to call the social service about the situation. It’s making Hyukjae crazy, but he has no idea how to start a conversation about it.

Donghae is sure to distrust his eligibility to do this, and Hyukjae honestly has no doubts about it. He’s sure to do mistakes, over and over, and probably fail sooner than later. But he can’t get it off his head that Jaemin would turn up into an orphanage or a foster home, where no one could be sure about her future. She might have to live her whole life feeling unwanted, and Hyukjae can’t make himself force her to have such a life.

And in contrast to what Donghae said to him before, about not knowing what it is like to be unwanted by your own parents—and truthfully everyone else too, Hyukjae knows exactly what it is like.

His eyes are wide as saucepans and his posture abnormally rigid, and the untouched cereals in his bowl already thoroughly soaked and softened by the milk. He has no appetite, nor any courage to open his mouth despite how loudly the thoughts are rummaging inside his still painfully thudding head.

Donghae then turns the page of the newspaper, causing the older to wince on his seat. The dark haired male gives him a confused look from under his ceased brows, taking a sip of his coffee and calmly putting it down before he decides to confront him. But before he says a thing, his eyes wander on Hyukjae’s odd demeanor, noticing his rugged appearance that gives out the kept late hours and minimal amount of sleep.

“You look like crap,” Donghae then mouths lazily, glancing back to the paper down on the table.

“Thanks,” Hyukjae says absent-mindedly, yet still with a hint of sarcasm.

The younger’s eyes drift back to him, scrutinizing him again.

“I’ll make the call today.” Donghae mutters. “I’ll just finish my coffee and take a shower first.”

Hyukjae’s jaw drops.

“O-oh.”

“You have to wait a moment before you’ll get rid of her.”

Open your ing mouth, ! Hyukjae almost yells at himself inwardly. But how is he supposed to tell him? How is he going to explain he has suddenly decided to keep her? Donghae is not going to be on his side on this, so how is he going to convince him otherwise?

Hyukjae is taken aback when Donghae, out-of-nowhere, then lets out a heavy exhale. He seems uneasy, and as if he’s struggling with something.

“I…” Donghae starts, his arm nervously. His eyes are still glued to the paper. “I guess I owe you an apology…” He sounds somewhat reluctant, as if someone has just told him to do so, against his own will.

Hyukjae’s eyebrows lift higher, not believing what he’s actually hearing. Donghae apologizing? Him?

“W-what?” he splutters back.

Donghae face flushes. The older could swear he’d like to take back his words this very instant because of it.

“You might not remember… But when you came back home, drunk… Aish, why am I even trying…? But I… I said there was no chance Jiah could ever be worse than you.”

He remembers it. Lips bitten between his teeth, he grunts. “Oh. That.”

“But I was obviously wrong.”

Hyukjae gains a bit of his confidence back.

“Unfortunately for your liking, I guess,” he snorts, receiving a hard glare for that.

“Do you really want me to apologize or not?”

“Yeah, go on,” Hyukjae smirks. Just a little to annoy the younger.

Donghae huffs.

“I’m sorry.”

He thinks for a few seconds, before he clicks his tongue. “Apology accepted.”

Donghae instantly turns his attention back to the newspaper, hoping to forget the whole thing.

“You’re still an though,” they suddenly say in unison, and Donghae raises his eyes back to Hyukjae, eyes wide for a brief second as they stare back into each other’s eyes before Donghae snorts, and Hyukjae’s expression turns into a smug one.

But it doesn’t last long, because he still has to prevent Donghae from calling anyone. And it might be even more difficult to get through this now.

The restlessness and uneasiness taking over, he knows he can’t possibly get anything solid down his throat. Hyukjae sighs, ignoring the way Donghae lifts his gaze back upon him as he stands up and takes his bowl, going to pour the continents of it to the trash can. His stomach feels even more unsettled as he then leans against the counter, breaking the skin of his lips with his teeth as he tries to find it from himself to speak out his thoughts. He grips the counter of the sink harder, closing his eyes as he takes the final, deep breath.

“Donghae, I…” he starts with a wavering voice, sounding a lot smaller than he is. He doesn’t want to see the way Donghae turns his attention to him, nor the way he’s going to judge him again soon enough. There’s no answers, no assurance to make him keep going, but he continues.

“I… I don’t want you to make the call.”

There’s a heavy, pregnant silence.

“Excuse me?”

Hyukjae hears shifting from behind his back, but he’s not sure what Donghae is doing, or if he’s even looking at him.

“I know this sounds crazy, but… Please, don’t make the call.” He buries his face into his left palm, waiting for the hell that is Donghae to get loose. But the silence keeps going on, and he starts regretting everything he has just said.

“Are you serious?” Donghae eventually asks back, voice strained and hard.

If Hyukjae is at all able to read the tone of his voice, Donghae might be already getting angry. For now, it mostly screams bewilderment. But Hyukjae is serious, and he finds the courage to turn around to face the younger. He tries to act indifferent towards the obvious judgment, trying to reason it to Donghae—and not any less to himself.

“I know it doesn’t make sense with anything I’ve said before,” he takes a difficult breath.

“Well, it definitely does not.”

“But she is my daughter. I can’t stop thinking about all the worst case scenarios that could happen to her if she’ll be placed in the system. I know, my life’s nothing but full of mistakes. But I want to try, Donghae.”

Donghae's expression is unreadable, full of something Hyukjae can’t possibly describe.

“Hyukjae... Let’s be honest... You can’t keep her. You said you don’t want her. You’re not ready—“

He’s already getting frustrated. He knew it would be like this, and it’s true, there’s not enough good reasons for him to keep her.

“I’m not ready,” he exclaims, “I know. But what is going to happen to her otherwise? How could I ever live down with the fact that I might also destroy her life wholly by giving her away?” He slides back to sit on the chair in front of Donghae, placing his arms over the table, shoulders slumped.

“But it might not be that bad...”

“But it could! I know what’s like to be unwanted and hated by your own parents. How could I do the same to her?” Hyukjae doesn’t pay too much attention to himself anymore, but getting overwhelmed starts to bring tears in his eyes.

Donghae doesn’t know what to say. Seeing Hyukjae like this gives him goosebumps, and he swallows.

“Am I really happy the way my life’s been going on till now? No,” Hyukjae admits.

The nurse pries his gaze away.

“Give me a chance, Donghae. What do I really have to lose?” he states, swallowing the bile on his throat but it doesn’t go away.

“Hyukjae... It’s not—“

“I have nothing to lose, other than her.” He doesn’t want to cry, but suddenly everything he’s been feeling lately, or even for a long time already, rushes to the surface and he has to force himself from shedding a tear. It’s close to impossible, though.

“Please. Let me try. Give me a chance to deserve her…”

“I...” Donghae mumbles. Why is it so hard to say anything anymore? This is doomed to fail, he’s sure of it.

“Please.”

It’s not going to work, but seeing Hyukjae like this... Hearing those words from his mouth, sounding so desperate and honest... It breaks his heart a little.

“I have nothing to lose.”

Donghae buries his face into his hands now instead. Silence falls around them; he doesn't want to see how Hyukjae hastily wipes the tears away from his milky cheeks.

With a sigh, he gives in.

“I’ll give you two weeks.”

The elder’s ears perk up.

“But if you take that chance, there’s no turning back. She’ll change your life. You can’t keep going the same road you’ve gone by this far. You have to take responsibility. You can’t run away anymore,” Donghae’s voice wavers, and it almost sounds as if he’s convincing himself, too.

Hyukjae looks at him with wide, disbelieving eyes.

Donghae tries to assure himself that he’s doing it for the girl. It’s a fact it could be better if she has a chance to live with her own parents, but knowing that her other parent is a drug addict, and this one immature and reckless guy who likes to get drunk and sleep around, he really doubts it. But maybe, just maybe, it could be able to steer Hyukjae’s life to a better track.

He really hopes he doesn’t have to regret this later.

“Two weeks, Hyukjae.”

The brunet doesn’t know what to say, so he only stares Donghae, still not believing he would actually let him try. It’s not going to be easy, that much is clear to him. It’s going to be a permanent decision, but so would be giving her away. How could he be able to live with it either if he would have chosen to give Jaemin away? He would probably never see her anymore, and although it would be the easy way, he realizes it’s not something he’s ready to do either. After having her there with him for the last two days, he’s scared less, but all the little interaction with her has also managed to left a mark on him.

But is he able to go through this alone…?

Hyukjae bites his lips again, feeling how the skin is already sore and torn for doing it so often. His head is spinning with all the worries, yet there still is the unexpected feeling of relief.

“I think you should tell her,” Donghae suddenly notes. Hyukjae’s expression is startled, but the sentence starts sinking in. Then Donghae is already calling for the girl. “Jaemin! Come over here.”

Hyukjae’s heartbeat increases, and he could swear cold sweat forms on his forehead.

The girl soon appears in the doorway, eyes looking at them as big question marks.

“Hyukjae wants to say something to you.”

The elder’s eyes widen and he starts panicking, but he doesn’t show it any other way but by kicking Donghae’s leg under the table. The nurse’s eyes are mocking him as return. Hyukjae is certain his hands are shaking slightly, before he gets up from his seat only to crouch to his knees on the floor. It feels like his insides are nothing but steady, as if he’s just taken a horrible roller coaster ride.

“C-come here,” he eventually says, gesturing with his fingers for Jaemin to come closer. She tilts her head, seeming as if she’s pondering what’s going to happen now. Her father’s uncertain tone of voice confuses her greatly. But she closes the few steps between them, and halts just in front of the adult at the same time Hyukjae buries his face into his hands for a moment, taking deep breaths. He glances towards Donghae for one time, eyes pleading some mental help but the younger only shakes his head at him in protest. What is he supposed to say?

“Jaemin, I…” he says, tone soft. “What… What would you say if you… If you…”

Donghae rolls his eyes, but leans his elbow against the table, placing his jaw against his palm as he listens in mild curiosity.

Hyukjae grunts in frustration, wanting to drift his gaze anywhere else but to the girl, but his slightly glazed eyes are glued to her.

“Would it be okay if…if you stayed here? Would it be okay if you lived with…with d-daddy?” The word almost gets stuck in his throat, but it sinks into his stomach, making him feel heavy as pile of stones.

The younger man now has his both hands over his mouth, having chills running over his skin as he too, waits for the answer.

Jaemin stares at the man with round eyes, flabbergasted.  She also gives Donghae a confused look, as if she’s trying to make sure it’s actually true, and not just her imagination. She squirms on her feet just a little, until she glances back to the man from under her brows and long fringe.

“W-with d-daddy…?” she suddenly repeats, unsure, although there’s a glimmer of hope in her dark eyes.

It causes Hyukjae to swallow, and blink his eyes as he’s trying to get rid of the burning sensation in them.

“Y-yes,” the man breaths out.

The few passing seconds are driving Hyukjae crazy, not the least because she just actually repeated what he just said with her own mouth.

“Daddy wants Jaemin to live here? With you?” she asks again, obviously very insecure.

Hyukjae has never heard her talking with so many words. It makes him feel so emotional and vulnerable it scares him, but manages to place his bigger hand on her tiny shoulder, hoping that it might help her to trust him more.

“Yes, if you want to live with d-daddy.”

“Wants to,” she then finally admits, taking a slow step towards Hyukjae, “Jaemin wants to live with daddy.” She takes another step, only to unexpectedly nuzzle herself against the male shyly, taking a light grip of his shirt.

Hyukjae freezes, and he forces his eyes closed. He trembles on his place, as he circles an uncertain hand around her waist.

“T-then you stay,” he almost whimpers, trying to keep his voice low so it wouldn’t be so evident how scared he is. “You’re not going anywhere. You’ll stay,” he repeats. He’s not sure if it’s for her, or mostly for himself. This whole thing terrifies him to the core, but the light embrace of his daughter might just be enough for him to enclose this decision.

an 3006: I hope this chapter was worth the wait? :3

thanks for reading!

ps. It's only been two days in this story, so don't worry, there'll be eunhae sooner or later ;)