Song Inspired: Let her go - Passenger

 

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missing home"

 

It was an average day, school and more school. Or so Tao had thought.

"Taotao~" A familiar voiced called out as he was grabbing textbooks for his next two classes.

"Hi Lulu ge." A small smile graced his lips at the blinding sight of his friend.

“Well, a little birdy told me that someone likes you.”

Tao snorted in response because who could like someone like him, really. “Not interested.”

The older frowned. “But Taotao, you have to start dating, you can’t be in love with Yifan now known as Kr—” Before he got to finish, a hand flew over his mouth, stopping the last few words from coming out.

“Ge! You can’t just blurt that out at school, others might hear and it’ll be bad for him.”

“Oh so you don’t mind what other people think of you, but you care about how it’ll affect his reputation?”

“Well yeah, I’m no one and he's everyone’s object of affection.”

“Zitao, I don’t think you quite understand the situation here. I am that dumb ’s best friend of ten years minus the five years that he was in Canada, doing god freaking knows what but that’s besides the point, and—oh my god is that Oh Sehun? Do I look fabulous? Fix my hair!” Zitao sighed in relief as the subject of his unrequited love since forever was finally dropped—for now at least.

 

 

He lazily turned the corner to get to his next class and frowned at the sight before him. Growing up, he was taught that sneaking around and eavesdropping wasn’t a good habit yet he couldn’t help himself, considering it involved the -sort of- love of his life.

“Babe, I won’t be able to come over tomorrow night, I have basketball practice ‘til late since the game is coming up.” Yifan sighed as his arms wrapped themselves around the petite waist of his girlfriend, Jessica Jung, who was smart, pretty, beautiful oh and a female. Pretty much everything Zitao isn’t. He wanted to cry at the sight but held back due to the students walking past.

“Okay then.” She pouted and if Zitao wasn’t gay he probably would’ve been amongst the many male students that have fallen for her. Too bad he isn’t. Obviously, since he’s in love with her boyfriend. His train of thoughts were stopped as Yifan planted a kiss on her pouting lips and at that moment, he really wanted to disappear from the face of the earth because his heart feels like it would burst and not in the good way either.

Zitao felt tired, tired of being just the kid next door to Yifan. Tired of being the kid who is like a younger brother. Tired of having feelings that would never be reciprocated.

And in that moment, he knew. Knew there was never going to be an 'us' when it comes to the two of them, and maybe, just maybe he was fine with that because seeing Yifan happy makes his unreturned feelings feel that much more worth it.

 

Zitao waited for the bus that day and witnessed the most terrifying accident of his existence. The world seemed to stop spinning for Zitao as people rushed to where the lifeless body was lying on the road, frantically dialing and calling for help.

Red was all he saw, so much red seeping through the concrete road turning to a reddish brown. The color of Wu Yifan's blood made him want to throw up because such a color shouldn't be painted all over the body of the man that he came to love.

Snapping out of his trance, Zitao immediately rushed to Yifan.

"Sir, sir please move out of the way. We need to get him to the hospital. SIR!" One of the paramedic spoke in rush.

"No, no he's family. He's my neighbor please let me go with him." Zitao begged, tears streaming down his face and blurring his vision.

"Don't let him leave, don't let him die, not yet, not yet. He doesn't deserve this, please." The raven-haired boy prayed over and over again, palms grasping Yifan's hand tightly as if trying to hold onto the blonde's life.

 

 

"Who is the family of Wu Yifan?"

"I-I am, his mother will arrive the day after tomorrow. She's flying back from Canada." The younger said shakily, trying to read the verdict from the expression on the doctor's face, afraid to hear what's coming next.

"As you saw, the car accident was very serious and might have caused damages to his nervous system. We are unsure if any of his body parts have lost its' function until he wakes up. I suggest you provide him with as much support as you can as it is unlikely that he will be able to walk away free of damages. It is however a miracle that other than that, he only managed a broken arm and a few fractured ribs. He should wake up soon." 

"Thank you, thank you so much, thank you." Zitao bowed and repeated over and over again, tears rolling down his already tear stained cheeks.

Zitao slowly entered Yifan's room, tears threatening to fall again as he witnessed the older wrapped in bandages with various cuts and bruises all over his face.

Yifan woke up around midnight, hands reaching out into the darkness blindly, trying to grasp onto reality.

"Yifan ge?" The younger's head snapped up from the side of the hospital bed, only earning a grunt in reply.

"Tao?" Yifan grunted, voice raspy from having been unconscious for a while now. "Is that you? Why is it so dark in here?"

"No it's not the light—" His sentence was abruptly cut.

No

No 

No 

This is all wrong.

Zitao stormed outside in search for Yifan's doctor and brought him back within record times.

The silence as the doctor examined Yifan's eyes was deadly.

"There must've been damages done to the central nervous system which resulted in his blindness. We're not sure whether it's temporary or permanent, however considering the impact of the accident on his head was quite severe, I'm afraid the chances of his blindness being temporary are quite slim. We need to run more tests in order to be sure." The doctor spoke and Yifan could only freeze at the words because...

How was he meant to finish high school without his sight?

How is he meant to play basketball without his sight?

How is he meant to take Jessica to prom without his sight?

How is he meant to live the life that he had planned without his sight?

Just… How?

"There's no point in running tests. What else can be clearer than the fact that I'm blind? What more do you want to confirm?"

Zitao stood still, afraid to step any closer to the person he loved so dearly because what could you possibly say to a person who has practically lost their dreams and hope for the future in a matter of seconds.

 

 

Days passed and pathetically, Yifan refused to eat or leave his room after his discharge. Zitao dropped by every day to check on the older and his mother seemed to have gotten used to the fact that her dearest son recently lost his eyesight.

"How is he today?" Zitao asked, already knowing the answer.

"He's okay, still the same." A sad smile painted the face of Yifan's beautiful mother. "Thank you Zitao, really. You've been such a sweetheart by checking on him everyday." 

"It's my responsibility as a friend." The younger smiled. Friend. How that word pained him.

He already memorized the path to Yifan's room having been here many times before.

A gentle knock broke through the silence of the house as he let himself in, knowing the older wouldn't so much as reply.

"Hi ge, how are you today?" 

"Where is Jessica? Have you seen her?" Yifan spoke, for the first time in a while. And it pained the other that it was only to ask about his girlfriend, well ex.

 

*A few days ago*

"Kris ge got into a car accident and I just thought you'd like to know." Zitao said in a small voice, slightly nervous as it is the first time he had a face-to-face talk with Jessica, the beauty queen.

"I am aware, his mother contacted me."

The younger bit his lips, hesitating whether he should say the next line. "I—I know it's not my place to talk but Kris ge has been asking for you and— and you haven't visited him since the accident so ..."

"I...I won't be visiting Kris, I'm leaving for the states the day after tomorrow." 

"W-Why? You're not gonna say goodbye?"

Jessica shook her head.

"I-I don't think I'm brave enough to face him. T-Tell him that I'm sorry and tell him that there'll be someone who will love him more than I ever could." Jessica let a sad smile grace her lips, eyes watering, probably from guilt as she handed Tao a small box. 

Inside contained a ring, with a promise of forever for Kris and Jessica.

 

**

 

"Jessica said she's very sorry but she has family matters to attend in the states and asked me to look after you until she comes back." The younger replied. Well it wasn't entirely untruthful for he understood that the last thing the older needed right now was to lose more. "She also said she'll keep in contact." The younger added.


"Okay." Zitao sighed in relief as Kris didn't question any further.

"Ge... won't you try to learn Braille? I am aware of how much you love to read self improvement books and—"

"I don't want to." Yifan cut the younger off.

"I can't even imagine how you feel right now but what's the point of burying yourself further into misery?" By now Zitao was more upset rather than angry at Kris's lack of interest in making the most out of his life.

"What's the point of trying to pull myself out? For sakes Tao, I can't even see my own reflection so tell me, how am I meant to help myself?"

"You're not the only one who lost their eyesight you know. There are people who become disabled, people who lose to the hands of death. Can't you see that it's pure luck that you got out of that accident with just losing your eyesight as horrible as it sounds?"

Silence.

"I'm disappointed in you, the Kris everyone knows and loves isn't like this." The Yifan I know and love isn't like this. And with that, the younger stormed out of the room, leaving a speechless Yifan in the darkness of his room.

 

 

Two days has passed since the last time Zitao came over and Yifan felt a sense of emptiness invade his emotions that seemed to have left along with his eyesight and his girlfriend. Could he even call her that anymore? Everything in his life felt uncertain and fragile as if they would break if he were to make a wrong move. Zitao was probably the only thing that's been constant in his life since the accident and it seems that even Zitao has given up on him. He doesn’t blame the younger though, because he has already given up on himself the moment light became memories of the past. 

He was lost in his deep thoughts as an almost inaudible knocking sounded.

"H-Hi ge. I'm back." Zitao greeted the older nervously, Yifan could almost hear the younger biting his lips. 

"I thought you wouldn't come back." 

"I...I was busy for the past two days, I was..." The younger's nervous habit of speaking in a small and cute voice was starting to amuse Yifan but he kept a straight face.

"You were what?"

"I.. I signed you up for Braille lessons." Zitao gulped. 

"You what?"

"I signed—"

"No I heard what you said, I want to know why you would do such a thing without my consent." Yifan almost growled, almost. 

"Your mom said it would be okay to do so and I thought I could join too so you won't feel lonely and I know how much you love to read and—"

"Are you really making me do this?" The older sighed in defeat and a blinding smile framed Zitao's lips as he began to feel Yifan's resolve crumbling.

"Yes, please. I promise it'll be worth it. Please ge." 

"...Fine."

"Uhm.. Jessica sent a letter. Do you want me to read it to you?" The younger took out a small envelope and handed it to Yifan. He hesitated as he felt the smooth paper under the pad of his fingers.

"O-okay." He handed the letter back to Zitao, hesitating slightly.

"To Kris whom I love..."

 

 

As promised, Zitao attended the lessons with Yifan, picking the older up afterschool three times a week and attending the lessons with him. A soft smile, a gentle brushing of fingers had Zitao falling in love again and again. To Zitao, Yifan was still the same person.

But maybe it's because Yifan is a source of light on his own, Zitao thought one day as the older let a gummy smile grace his lips.

 

 

"It's a nice day today." The younger squeaked happily, one hand on Yifan's elbow.

 

"I can feel the sun and the wind. It smells like the end of summer." Zitao led the older to a wooden bench in the park they were talking a walk in.

"The leaves are starting to wilt a little. There's a cute little boy sitting on his mother's lap. Can you hear him singing ge?" It was a routine, every time they went out, Zitao would try to describe the environment around them as much as he could. In a way, he wanted to be Yifan's eyes.

"I can. It's wonderful, I can hear the happiness radiating from him." Yifan chuckled, leaning back slightly as his let himself soak up the sun whilst the smell of approaching autumn filled his senses. 

To say that he was content was a lie, but to say that he's happy would be the complete truth.

Time seemed to pass more quickly when you really learn to appreciate the little things in life. Yifan for one, has learnt that there are more unfortunate people in life than himself and he was grateful to Zitao who reminded him to be glad of what he has every day. The younger would often come over in the morning to read the morning news to Yifan before he had to leave for school.

The letters from Jessica came every two weeks, without a single delay and just like a routine, Zitao read out the letters whilst Yifan sat and listened silently.

 

 

"It's time to leave for your check up." the younger smiled although it couldn't be seen by Yifan.

"Okay." He nodded, nervous as it was his first check up ever since the accident. He didn't want to step back into the place that reminded him of his disability more than anything, but he knew he had to in order to make sure everything is normal along with the other parts of his body.

The two caught the bus since Yifan's mother was at work. He knew she was working hard to provide for him, as much as a single mother could anyways, so he was never mad, only grateful.

The physical examinations took longer than expected and when he was sat down in front of the doctor for feedback on his result, Yifan was more than tired.

"It appears that everything is fine, your arms are well on the way of going back to the state it was before. The fractures on your ribs have healed nicely. There is one more test I would like to run for your eyes. You refused the test a few months ago but I highly recommend you let us run it." The doctor suggested.

"I... I don't know." He was scared, terrified of getting his hopes up. 

"Yifan, please. We need to know exactly what caused your blindness. I could be damage to your cornea rather than the more severe damage to the central nervous system. Please take this into consideration."

"Okay...I-I'll do it. You can run the test." Yifan nodded, palms sweating. From the moment he woke up from his accident until now, he never had the hope of regaining his eyesight back ever again. He knew whether it be damage to his cornea or a brain injury, the chances of getting a cornea donation was slim as the waiting list would be endless.

Another hour and the tests and scans were done. The doctor looked at the result for a long time which had Zitao biting his lips nervously, almost squirming in his chair. Yifan had demanded the younger to be present for the result of the last test.

"Yifan, I am happy to tell you that if you receive keratoplasty also known as a corneal transplant, the chances of you being able to see again is around 90%." Yifan couldn't see it but Zitao felt a small tear escaped his lids as he in a breath, trying hard not to cry and then he noticed the older was also crying silently.

"But—" And both their hearts fell at the word, of course there has to be a but. "The waiting list for corneal transplants is very long and almost endless." The doctor sighed. "I will register you under the waiting list regardless and let's hope something like a miracle can happen for the second time." 

"The second time?" Yifan asked, slightly confused.

"The first time was when you walked away from the accident without any serious physical damage aside from your eyes. I think you must have your own guardian angel." 

 

 

"Isn't this great news ge?" The younger chirped, fingers now naturally linked with the older.

A gentle smile brushed Yifan's lips as he tightened his hold on the younger's hand. "It is, we shouldn't get our hopes up though since I might not get a donation." Despite the sad reality, the younger never let the smile escape from his lips.

"I'm sure you'll be able to see again ge. The doctor did say there is a guardian angel watching over you. The angels won't take away the ability to see from a person who loves books as much as you do." Zitao's innocence never fails to comfort Yifan, especially during the darkest hours of his life. 

He lit up Yifan's newly colorless world so effortlessly, leaving traces of peachy pink, deep sky blue and glowing yellow all over Yifan's black canvas.

"Tao,"

"Yes ge?" The younger replied, his attention fully on the person next to him.

"Thank you. I don't think I've ever thanked you."

"For what?" He asked, genuinely concerned as to what the older would be thankful about.

Oh the pure and selfless intentions and the innocence. Yifan thought as something inside him stirred, a strange tugging in his chest that he wasn't used to.

"For everything. For you." Thank you God for letting your light grace my life when I was at my darkest.

"I haven't done much ge, it's you. All you." You in all your brilliance.

 

 

On the way to his final check up, Yifan and Zitao bumped into an elderly woman who seemed like she had trouble walking.

"Baobei is that you? Baobei is that really you?" The elderly woman who looked like she was in her late 80's said over and over again as she cried into Yifan's arms.

"Excuse me grandma, where are you heading to? Where is your room?" Zitao asked politely as he noticed the elderly woman was wearing a hospital gown.

"MOTHER? MOTHER?!" Someone shouted as they came towards the two boys with Yifan holding the elderly woman in his arms as she refused to let go of him.

"Ziwei, look. I've found our baobei." The elderly smiled brightly as the woman in front of them looked at her with sadness.

"Mother... mother that's not Donghai. Please let him go and come back to say your goodbyes to Donghai." The lady broke into a sob.

"It's baobei, don't lie to me! It's my baobei!" The elderly insisted over and over again. 

Yifan bit his lip and reached out to the other woman, indicating her to stop.

"Nainai, it's me. It's me, Donghai your baobei." It took the woman named Ziwei a few minutes to process what she was doing and she could only bow at him in gratitude, although Yifan couldn't see it.

"My Donghai I knew they lied to me. I knew you'd come back, my precious grandson." The elderly sobbed into Yifan's embrace.

"Please lead us to grandma's room." Yifan asked quietly. "Tao please help grandma on my back and lead the way." Zitao didn't protest and helped the elderly onto Yifan's back and followed the woman named Ziwei.

After they let the elder down, she smiled and reached out for Yifan. "Donghai, you've been a good grandson to nainai. Nainai is sorry to our baobei that she won't be able to stay with you any longer. I think it's my time to go now, I love you my precious." The elderly smiled.

"Nainai, I love you. Rest well." Yifan said, still holding onto the elderly woman's hand, only letting go when he saw she was sound asleep.

 

 

"Thank you for what you did. Really, thank you." Ziwei bowed over and over again.

"It's really no problem ma'am." Yifan smiled and reached out blindly for Zitao's hand. He knew he would always find the younger next to him.

"Our son passed away today and my mother is also very sick. She refused to believe that my son passed which resulted in the incident before." The older woman said, voice apologetic.

"We're sorry for your loss." Zitao said while tightening his grip on Yifan's hand.

"It's fine, we knew it was coming. He had a severe heart problem and it really is a miracle in itself that he was able to live past 24. What are your names, may I know?" 

"My name is Wu Yifan ma'am and this is Huang Zitao." He smiled. Ziwei reached out her hand and was surprised when the younger ignored it.

"I'm sorry ma'am. Yifan ge is blind." Zitao apologized to the woman, not for Zitao's blindness for he himself did not see it as a disability but rather an obstacle. The younger lead Yifan's hand and lead it to where Ziwei's hand was.

"Thank you for everything Yifan, you will be blessed." The woman smiled before bidding her goodbye to the two boys.

 

The tests came out with good results and Yifan's body was completely back to the way it was before the accident. Everything except for his eyes, of course.

 

 

The call came three days after his last check up.

"Congratulations, you have been selected to receive the corneal transplant."

He doesn't know what to say, doesn’t know what to think when the news hit him. 

"Ge? What's wrong? You haven't said a word since the call." Zitao asked, voice full of concern as he placed the bag of candy he was munching on next to Yifan's phone that have fallen on the floor.

"I... Zitao I..." It was then that the older started crying. 8 months in the darkness have gotten rid of all his hope of ever regaining his eyesight again.

"What's the matter? Why are you crying?" The younger panicked as he pulled the older into an embrace.

Yifan sobbed harder and it was pathetic but he didn't care because the chances of seeing light again, the chances of seeing Zitao again is well over 80%. 

"The corneal transplant, I—I have a donator." 

Zitao hugged the older tighter as silent tears made trails along his cheeks. His heart started beating faster as he felt arms being wrapped around his waist.

"I told you so. I told you the angels wouldn't take away the ability to read from someone who loves books as much as you do right?" Zitao spoke, voice trembling lightly but he thinks it'll be okay. Everything will be okay because he knew Yifan was fated to live a life full of promises and bursts of colors. 

 

 

The bandages around his eyes were loosened and his heart felt as if it was going to jump out of his chest any minute now. The surgery was over and his eyes should be as good as new. Yifan had his eyes closed for the last few seconds of being in complete darkness and felt sun rays seeping through his eyelids as soon as the last of the bandages fell.

The first thing he saw took his breath away. Raven hair and bright smile. The painful tugging that was no longer strange could be felt again and it clawed at his chest, demanding to be paid attention to as Yifan tried desperately to ignore the feeling.

"Zitao." He muttered, hands reaching out to trace along the younger's face. A lovely peachy shade of pink that he had seen inside his mind so many times before spread on the younger's cheek as he let his fingers run along Zitao's sharp jaw line. You are so beautiful. The thought lingered in his mind but never escaped his lips as he was afraid, of what he didn't know.

It was then that Yifan's doctor entered the room.

"Congratulations Yifan. I knew the second miracle was going to happen." A smile appeared on the doctor's face and this time Yifan could see it.

"Thank you, thank you." He chanted while bowing over and over again.

"You are very welcome Yifan." The doctor took a look at his eyes for a few minutes, making sure that everything was okay. "You should be able to leave after a few days of rest. If there's nothing else then I will leave you to it." 

"Ah, please could you tell me the name of my donor?" Yifan asked, he wanted to pray for the donor and their family.

"The Donor's name is Zhang Donghai. His mother Zhang Ziwei made a request for the corneal to be donated to you." Yifan slowly smiled graciously, nodding and thanking the doctor one last time.

"You really do have a guardian angel. Please don't cross the road recklessly ever again, I don't want to have to see you lying on the road looking lifeless ever again." Zitao reminded him, tone serious and stern to emphasize his request.

"You—you were there when the accident happened?" 

The younger nodded. "Of course. How do you think I was there when you woke up?" Zitao asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Maybe you're my guardian angel. 

"Thank you, my guardian angel." Yifan whispered as he pulled the younger into an embrace.

"Yes, you really should thank the angel." Zitao smiled as he buried his face into the crook of Yifan's neck, inhaling the scent that he adored, the scent that was so uniquely Yifan.

 

 

As Yifan was rummaging through his room, he found the letters that were written to him from Jessica and started reading them again. He was surprised when he noticed the different handwriting as he distinctly remembered Jessica's handwriting being girlier than that of the letter. Out of curiosity, he took the card that she last wrote for him to compare the handwriting and surely enough, the two were completely different. He then proceeded to check in his trash can for the literature homework that Zitao threw away after deciding that he hated his writing.

He bit his lip as realization struck him like a lightning bolt during a summer storm, he now understood why there was no envelopes, only the hand written letters. Understood why she never tried to call him.

"Stupid, Huang Zitao is stupid." He mumbled and stormed out of the house, running to the house that was right next to his and knocked furiously on the door until a freshly showered Zitao appeared and opened in shock.

"Huang Zitao, you are so stupid." Zitao said and pulled the younger into his arms.

"W-What ge? I c-can't b-breathe!" 

"What is this?" Yifan pulled away as he shoved the letters in front of Zitao's face.

"Uhm—er... The letters that Jessica wrote to you."

"Then why is it in your hand writing, stupid?" 

"I-I'm sorry but you were so sad and I knew how much you love her so I couldn't and..." The younger's word was muffled as soft lips pressed against his. He froze for a at least five seconds before responding to the kiss after getting over the initial shock.

"I loved Jessica and I love you. 

You who selflessly did everything in your power to make me appreciate life more. 

You who believed in me at the time when I couldn't believe in myself

You who came with me to the Braille lessons, you who accompanied me to the check ups at the hospital because you knew that place made me feel uneasy. 

You who walked with me through the darkest roads. 

You who has been the one constant thing in my life.

You, Zitao. 

So tell me, do you love me too? The me who won't be able to pay you back for the new life that you have showed me these past months. Me who depended on you like a child lost in a world of darkness. Me who is imperfect and reckless, impulsive and careless. Me who has fallen in love with raven hair and bright smiles."

Unable to hold his tears any longer, Zitao let out a loud sob and fell back into Yifan's embrace. "I—I love you too, so much. I've loved you...loved you since the beginning."

Yifan lifted Zitao's chin that was buried in his chest up and leaned down for another kiss, and he swore he could hear the sound of angels singing as their lips met for the second time. The kiss was short and sweet and it was perfect. 

"I owe you my light." Yifan whispered into Zitao's lips as he pulled away slightly.

 

------------------

 

*Side note: The Braille system was created in 1821 by a Frenchman, Louis Braille. It's a method widely used by blind people to read and write. Each letter or number in Braille is made up of raised dots on a thick sheet. Blind people read Braille by moving their fingers over these dots and feeling the letters and numbers. 

You can read more about it from this website x