“Angels have no thoughts of returning you

Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?”

It has been a month since Zitao last slept in their bedroom. He refuses to be in their room without Yifan. The room that used to radiate warmth and joy now only brings pain and tears.

It has been thirty days and still, he waits for Yifan to come home, to tell him that he loved him more than the world and to whisper sweet nothings into his ears as they both fall into a deep slumber.

Yifan was a wonderful man. He was a faithful lover, a good son to his mother and gifted with the face of an angel albeit angry looking at times, but no less an angel.

It wasn’t love at first sight or anything like that for Zitao and Yifan. It took a long time, with much-heated encounters, adolescence trouble, experimental relationships, heartbreaks and time for the two to finally get together, where both of them knew they belonged.

And without a doubt, Zitao loved Yifan with all his worth, giving the older every ounce of love and affection - showering him with hugs and kisses that meant more than the world itself. Their feelings were mutual and never once has Yifan disappointed Zitao in any way, despite the useless fights and arguments that arose occasionally. The younger understood that it was a couple thing, fighting and making up. They got through those, they always did.

They loved each other through the stormy winters, burning summers, blooming springs and sullen autumns. So much that Yifan often promised Zitao of forever through whispers that were only meant for the younger to hear. Zitao would often laugh and push the older away, a pretty shade of pink flourishing his cheeks. No matter how much time passed, the butterflies in Zitao’s stomach refused to settle. And he was okay with that.

It was 4 years into their relationship that Yifan showed signs of his illness.

Zitao refused to acknowledge the fact that his lover was diagnosed. Refused to accept the fact that his time with Yifan was now counted by days, no longer years, no longer the forever that Yifan often promised him. He also refused to cry in front of the older. Instead he would be smiling, laughing and loving as if nothing has changed. But in the dark he cries, when Yifan goes to the hospital for treatments he cries, and no matter how much Zitao begged on his knees with hands pressed against his chest, for he felt as if he would die from the pain if he didn’t, he still felt Yifan slipping away as time went by, and at that moment, he finally understood what they meant by life is unfair.

Yifan felt sorry for making the younger go through the process of his illness with him, but he couldn’t send the younger away. He knew he shouldn’t be selfish and leave to die in a foreign country because at least then, the younger wouldn’t have to see the person he loves slip away right in front of his eyes. But Yifan loved Zitao more than life, and he still thanked God every day that it was him with the burden of the illness and not his young lover.

He knew he was dying and there was no point in going to anymore painful treatments, knew that they had to part eventually but his mind couldn’t comprehend the fact that he would leave his love behind, in a world where everyone lived for themselves.  Yifan cried silently in their bed every night, holding onto the younger just a little tighter every time whilst mourning for having to leave Zitao behind and it was so ridiculous because he was the one dying yet he couldn't imagine Zitao being alone in their apartment where the happiest days of their lives took place.

“Baby?” Yifan spoke into the darkness. The younger replied with a hum, letting the older know that he was listening.

“I love you.” And he knows, he knows Yifan loves him but the older refuses to stop saying the three words that just doesn’t mean anything anymore. Because how do you put what they felt for each other into words? How can love be enough to sum up whatever it was that they had? Zitao turned around to face Yifan and placed a soft kiss on the older’s lips. It was a chaste kiss because he knew Yifan was tired, weary and nowadays all he did was sleep. Because sleep takes the pain away for a while, both the physical and emotional pain.

9 months after his diagnosis, Yifan lost his battle.

Because fate is cruel and their love, although strong did not stand a chance against fate.

Thirty days and he still thought of how utterly heartless life could be to take away such a blessing, such a beautiful soul.

He doesn’t remember life without Yifan, his memories of everything that happened before the older is vague and truthfully, he doesn’t want to live after Yifan. So he drives to the seaside where Yifan rests, where they first met all those years ago and immerses himself into the depths of the ocean because Yifan promised forever so Zitao will fulfill that promise. 

And forever will now begin for the two of them.