Stay

“Jongin?”

It takes him a beat too long to answer. Taemin’s voice, less sure now, asks “Jonginnie? Is that you?”

“Yeah.” It feels like a fighting quicksand, just to force that one word out of his throat. “Are you at home?”

“I’m at the dorm. We have a early schedule tomorrow, but you can come over if you want.” They know each other so well. Jongin wonders whether Taemin has heard the news already, whether he’s been waiting for Jongin to reach out to him.

“I’ll be there in a bit. See you.”

“See you.” Jongin can hear the smile in Taemin’s voice, even if he can’t see his friend face to face.

~

Not even ten minutes pass between their phone call and Jongin arriving at SHINee’s dorm. Sometimes he wishes that EXO’s dorm could be closer to where they work; they were placed in a flat adjacent from SHINee’s flat as trainees, but as soon as sasaengs began showing up on their doorstep after debut, SM had moved them into the suburbs.

Minho answers the door. “Oh, hello,” he says.

Jongin bows slightly. He’s not particularly close to any of Taemin’s bandmates and it’s a bit difficult for him to address them in an informal way even though Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Junmyeon do.  

“Aish,” Minho grumbles. They’ve danced this familiar dance for years now. “Stop bowing and come in. TAEMIN!”

Taemin comes around the corner and Jongin breathes a sigh of relief when his face lights up in recognition. So many things keep changing that it feels like his life is one long game of Jenga – and with each block displaced, he is a tower that comes closer to toppling over – but Taemin has always been the one constant he can rely on. .

“Jonginnie!” he says, opening his arms wide for a hug. That’s Taemin for you; instant affection, no questions asked.

“I saw you yesterday,” Jongin faux grumbles, not because he wants to but because this is what Taemin expects and Jongin has a façade to keep up.

~

It’s clear that Taemin doesn’t know.

They’re flying to Brazil tomorrow, apparently, with f(x). They just got back from Thailand last night, and then Taemin went home to pack a fresh bag and now he’s here. Taemin’s not the sort of person who likes to keep up with fan forums and social media on his phone, so it makes sense that the news has completely flown over his head. 

In a way, Jongin prefers this. Here, he can pretend that nothing is wrong, that his life isn’t falling apart before his eyes.

“You came from practice, right?” Taemin asks. “Have you eaten? Do you wanna go out and get something?”

“No.” Jongin closes his eyes and leans back against the wall against which Taemin’s bed is situated. “Not hungry.”

“Are you okay?”

So Taemin has caught on. He’d catch on just as fast if Taemin were the one upset though, so Jongin isn’t surprised at all that Taemin can see right through his pretence of being fine.

“My back hurts.” It’s not entirely a lie. Jongin’s back always hurts; even on the days when it doesn’t have him limping around like an old man, it’s like background music playing in the movie of his life. He’s forgotten what it’s like not to constantly ache in one place or another. So yes, his back hurts, but that’s not why he’s hurting tonight.

It’s just enough of a lie to allay Taemin’s suspicions. “Hang on,” he says, clambering off the bed. “I’ve got some patches.”

A moment later, he’s holding out a handful of patches to Jongin, looking for all the world like the twelve year old who had held out a handful of sweets to Jongin in SM’s dance studio. Unlike his eleven year old self, Jongin cannot even muster the strength to lift his hand to take the patches, and with each passing moment, the look of concern in Taemin’s face intensifies.

“Turn around,” he finally says. “I’ll put it in for you.”

Taking advantage of the permission he has been granted, Jongin turns away from Taemin’s inquisitive eyes and lies down on the bed. He can feel his t-shirt being pushed up and, soon after, the sticky sensation of a patch being applied to his skin. He can tell from the way relief comes instantaneously that the patch must be one of those mentholated pain relief patches that Taemin buys from Japan. They’re expensive. Normally, the thought of Taemin giving up one of his precious Japanese patches wouldn’t have much effect on Jongin – they’ve shared much more over the years – but tonight it brings a fresh wave of tears to his eyes. When he feels Taemin’s fingers gently kneading the muscles under the patch, a sob escapes his lips.

Taemin’s fingers draw back.

“Jongin!”

Jongin pushes himself up with effort. Taemin is angry.

“How many times have I told you that you can’t push yourself like this?” Taemin’s tone is harsh, but it’s like being scolded by his mother; the reproach is born out of genuine, unselfish concern. “And despite this, you still practiced today? What is wrong with you?”

“Taemin-ah,” Jongin pleads, clasping his fingers around Taemin’s wrist. “I didn’t come here to be scolded.”

Taemin’s features soften.

“I’ll go and see if anyone else has painkillers. Onew hyung might still have some left over from his surgery.”

~

When the door creaks open again, it is Jonghyun who comes in.

“Oh, Jongin,” he says, eyes going wide in surprise.

“Sorry,” he says, but Jonghyun cuts him off.

“Oh, no, stay. I just wasn’t expecting to see you here given what’s happening, that’s all. I mean…”

It is the awkward silence that follows Jonghyun’s aborted sentence that clues Jongin in to the fact that Jonghyun knows. It feels like being caught with his hand down his pants. Before either of them can say anything, Taemin comes back. He pushes past Jonghyun and drops a tab of pills on the bed. “You’re lucky that Onew hyung still has them.”

“Has what?” Jonghyun asks.

“Painkillers, for Jongin’s back.”

“I see.” Jonghyun’s eyes are worse than Taemin’s; Jongin feels like Jonghyun can see through every lie he’s told tonight. Taemin is oblivious to the way the two of them are holding each other’s gaze and instead roots through his bag to hand a half-drunk bottle of water to Jongin. “Here.”

“I don’t think those pills are meant to be taken on an empty stomach,” Jonghyun says then. “Have you eaten?”

“No hyung,” Jongin answers honestly. The news came with the breakfast their manager had bought for them today morning, and Jongin hasn’t had a bite to eat since then. He’s not hungry.

“I’ll make you something,” Taemin offers.

Luckily, Jonghyun shoots down that idea before Jongin has to. “Kibum was saying something about making supper before going to bed, why don’t you ask him. I think Jongin will prefer that to undercooked ramyeon.”

“ you,” Taemin responds, but he heads to the next room anyway. Jongin can’t quite understand how Taemin can be so casually rude to someone so much older than him, but it does put him at ease with Jonghyun. If Taemin hasn’t yet offended Jonghyun, nothing Jongin might say can accomplish the same.

“Come on, come on,” Jonghyun says, almost gleefully. “I lied. Kibum is going to sleep. Do you wanna bet on him ripping Taeminnie a new one or actually cooking?”

“Uh…” Jongin responds. He doesn’t know Key well enough to be able to make the call, but his money is on the former purely as a matter of common sense.

“I’ll give you the easier one since you’re a guest and all,” Jonghyun blathers on. “You can take Kibum cooking and I’ll take him being pissy.”

“What are we betting?” Jongin asks.

“Hmmm… erm, about 5,000 won? Is that okay?”

“Neh, hyung.”

“Cool, now get your arse out here.” 

~

“I’ll make chawanmushi,” Key announces. He’s a lot like Baekhyun, Jongin finds, turning even the simplest thing into its own event. “Do you like Japanese food, Jongin-ah?”

He likes chawanmushi well enough, but even if he didn’t, it’s simply not done for him to say no.

“Since you’re making chawanmushi, can you make me tamagoyaki?” Taemin asks, leaving Jongin’s side to drape himself over Key’s back. “It’s all egg at the end of the day.”

“Do I look like your personal chef?” Key shrugs Taemin off and takes a carton of eggs from the fridge. He leaves that on the counter and dives into the cupboard above the cooker for more ingredients.

“I’ll do the washing,” Taemin offers.

Key raises an eyebrow at Taemin; Jongin has never imagined that a single eyebrow can convey so much so clearly.  No man wearing fluffy pink slippers with his hair tied up in an apple hairstyle should be able to look so intimidating. 

“Really,” Taemin insists. He puts a hand over his heart and says “You won’t have to wash a single thing.”

“We’ll see,” Key concedes. “Can you ask the rest whether they want any supper?”

“I do.”

Jonghyun’s voice comes out of nowhere and it startles Jongin enough to jump. Nobody seems to have noticed, though.   

“What are you making?”

“Tamagoyaki,” Taemin answers.

“Keep that up and I won’t make anything for you at all.”

“He’s making chawanmushi,” Jongin says.

“Just chawanmushi? What sort of supper is that?” Jonghyun heads behind the counter but Key blocks his way.

“No rice,” he says. “Not until we’re done with the concert.”

Jonghyun actually whines. “There’s no way Jinki-hyung is going to agree to that.”

“To what?”

Jongin jumps again. Taemin laughs at him, and Jinki pats him on the back apologetically.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to surprise you.”

“Oh, it’s fine. Sorry, I wasn’t paying att-”

“Kibum’s banned us from having rice until the concert.”

Jinki shrugs. “That’s tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll live.”

“You can peel some apples if you want,” Key says then. He’s whisking some eggs in a bowl, stopping every now and again to add salt and soy sauce. “And I think there’s some pumpkin noodles somewhere, if you’re really that hungry.”

Taemin moves to take a peeler from the knife rack, but Jinki stops him. “I’ll do it,” he says.

“Come on,” Taemin huffs, taking Jongin’s hand in his. “We can go set the table or something.”

By the time they’ve laid the table and drawn Minho out of his room, the smell of steamed egg fills the air. Key and Jonghyun are laughing about something as they stand shoulder to shoulder over the stove, and Jinki is humming to himself as he neatly slices the apples. Minho fills a pitcher with water and sets it in the middle of the table, and turns to pull some mugs out of a high cupboard.

Jongin can’t figure out why he finds the scene so captivating, until it hits him out of the blue; this is SHINee’s home.  

As much as he cares for his own members, their dorm is never like this. They’ve all got their own little nooks that they personalise, that they fill with pictures and stuffed toys and books to make it feel a little less lonely, but it’s still very much a transitory place.

But this, here, it feels like he’s stepped right into a family going about their daily routine. The members move so easily around each other, like they’re so used to each other’s patterns of movement that it doesn’t even take a conscious thought to avoid bumping into each other in the tiny kitchen. It’s how Taemin feels so comfortable asking Key to make him something different, and how, even though he keeps threatening not to, Key goes the extra mile to make him his tamagoyaki.

Kyungsoo cooks for him, Jongin knows, and he’s not ungrateful, but it doesn’t feel like this. And apart from the two of them, he’s never seen Tao cook for Sehun or Xiumin cook for Baekhyun. Everybody does their own thing, and the greatest respect they give each other is staying out of the way.

“Jongin-ah, is this enough?”

Jongin is drawn from his thoughts by Key’s question, and he looks down to see a full bowl in front of him. The chawanmushi looks a bit undercooked and it’s not been prettily cut, but it’s been a long time since someone’s cooked a meal just for him.

He nods, not trusting his voice.

“There’s pepper in the kitchen if you want some,” Key adds, squeezing his shoulder as he walks away. Jongin understands, then, why Taemin always insists that Key is so kind it hurts.

~

“You two can sleep here tonight,” Jonghyun says, ushering Jongin into the room he shares with Taemin. Taemin is currently washing the dishes, as he promised, having unsuccessfully tried to wheedle Minho into doing them. “I’ll crash with Kibum.”

“No, hyung, you don’t have to,” Jongin protests. It’s too much, everything they’ve done for him; he only came over to talk to Taemin for a while, not to be comforted by the entire band like a crying baby.

“It’s fine,” Jonghyun insists. “He’s got a double decker bed, so it’s no trouble at all. Besides, it’s late and it’s not safe to be wandering about, especially for you.”

“Thank you, hyung,” Jongin concedes.

“It’s the least we can do.”

~

It’s barely been five minutes since they’ve hit their beds, but Jongin can already hear Taemin’s quiet sleep-sighs.

“Taemin-ah,” he calls, testing the waters. He’s got to tell Taemin sooner or later.

“Mmm?”

“Uh, just to let you know, Tao is leaving.”

Nothing, then a rustle of sheets. Then footsteps across the wooden floor. A warm weight in his bed.

“Are you ? Please put some pants on, I’m begging you.”

Jongin can’t see him, but he knows that Taemin is rolling his eyes. “I’m not .”

He’s lying, Jongin knows, but he moves over to give Taemin space to sit comfortably on the bed anyway.

“What happened?”

Jongin shrugs.  Taemin’s hand lands on his shoulder, gently tugging until Jongin rolls onto his back to face him.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. He got hurt and he went back to Qingdao to rest, and suddenly he wants to leave. He says he’s negotiating with SM, but honestly, I don’t think he’s coming back.”

“It’s okay,” Taemin says immediately. “EXO-M can disband, but EXO-K will be okay. You’ll be okay with just a Korean fanbase, like us.”

“It’s not that.” It is that, to some extent. It seems like they reached their peak so early in their career, and now all that’s left to do is fall, fall, fall, no matter how hard Jongin works to dance right, to sing right. “It’s just… you’re so lucky, you know? To have your hyungs.”

“I know.” Taemin lies down next to him.  “I wish you could have debuted with us.”

“I’m thankful every day that you didn’t debut with me,” Jongin replies.

“Jongin.” Taemin’s voice is sad.

“It’s okay, I’ve learnt my lesson now. Just... It feels like I’m the only idiot who expects everyone to stay and do their best, like Kyungsoo wasn’t even surprised when Tao didn’t come back. It feels like everyone’s in this as a stepping stone to greater things, and I’m the only idiot breaking my body-”

“That’s why you have to stop.” There are tears in Taemin’s voice. It comforts Jongin, knowing that someone cares enough to shed tears for him, but he feels bad for making Taemin cry. “Jongin, you have to learn to look after yourself.”

“Just promise me that when the day comes that I can’t dance anymore, you’ll still come and see me, Taemin-ah.”

“Don’t talk like that.” Taemin curls up against him, like they did when they were trainees. “Once you get rid of the deadweight, EXO will get better. And if you don’t want to live with them, you can come and stay with us. Key-hyung is moving out soon and Jonghyun hyung always stays over at his house, so you can live here if you want. I’ll talk to management and get it done.”

Jongin relaxes in Taemin’s embrace. “Don’t worry about me, Taemin-ah. I’ll be fine.”

~

When he wakes up the next morning, the dorm is empty.

A take-out container of jajangmyeon awaits him on the dining table. Jongin wonders which one of the members is responsible for that. 5,000 won in coins sits beside the container, from Jonghyun.

Jongin grabs his bag from under Taemin's bed and hails a cab back to EXO's dorm still dressed in Taemin's clothes. He knows that the sasaengs outside his dorm will make the connection eventually, and that they'll harass Taemin for it - there are no words to describe his shame at having them chase Taemin down the streets screaming '!' for the crime of holding Jongin's hand - but he doesn't have a change of clothes. 

He goes straight to the laundry room to put his practice clothes into the washing machine. 

That's when he finds a whole pack of Japanese patches nestled at the bottom of his bag. There's a pale blue sticky note attached to the pack. 

I’ll always be here for you.

XXXXX

hello darlings!

as always, reviews are very much welcomed. it's my first time writing from jongin's perspective, and my first time writing taekai, so let me have all that constructive criticism. 

also, please do not take this fic as an expression of my views on the whole tao situation. 

ps: for those of you waiting for these violent delights to be updated, fear not. i've been working on it and i have absolutely no intention of abandoning it.