Warnings: [alcohol abuse, vomitting, mental health] - scroll over to see the warnings as they contain some spoilers

I need you, I love you.

“Unnie, you need to stop doing this to yourself.”

Eunsook didn’t bother responding to Gwiboon’s comment. She knew that she looked pathetic, watching yet another of Jonghyun’s live stages for his new comeback when it had become clear that he wanted nothing to do with her since that night. But she couldn’t help it. She loved him and feared that she would never be able to get over him as easily as he seemed to get over her.

The younger girl’s eyes squinted slightly at being ignored but Eunsook was glad that instead of starting another fight that would make her pining seem that much more pointless, Gwiboon settled for sitting next to the bed in her usual spot, the rather uncomfortable and slippery hospital chair making her lips purse in a silent grimace.

Eunsook returned her full attention to the screen, her eyes drinking in every detail of the idol Kim Jonghyun as he smiled sweetly and answered questions. He looked so natural on screen, like he belonged under the spotlight surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful things.

But if there was one thing that Eunsook was certain of at all anymore, it was that Kim Jonghyun the idol was not the same as Kim Jonghyun the man. The man that she had come to know, come to love, came out in brief glimpses. Like the way that beautiful lopsided grin didn’t quite reach his eyes when she knew just how dazzling that eye smile could be. Or the way that his hands remained calmly in his lap when she knew how they itched to dance through the air as he explained something or got caught up in his music. Eunsook may not be able to reach her Jonghyun through the screen, or through the various voicemails and text messages she had left him, but she could see him bursting at the seams through every slight tilt of his head as he cracked his neck uncomfortably, at every quick blink that fought off the hazy glaze of his tired eyes as if he was lost in his own little world and had to snap himself back into the moment.

Because no matter how breath-taking Jonghyun, as he always did, Eunsook was the one who noticed that he was too thin. As her eyes roamed over the beautiful planes of his face, she was the one who noticed the weary sag at the corner of his eyes and the shallow pallor of his skin even under the heavy layers of make-up that attempted to cover it all up. Worry pinched at Eunsook’s heart with each passing day as she watched live show after live show, interview after interview, and saw the beautiful man that she loved become a distant stranger.

Guilt coursed through her at the thought, lacing through her abdomen as if it was a corset strung too tight and she had to fight to breathe. Eunsook felt sick to stomach thinking about that night, about the way that she had been loved by Jonghyun and then had that love ripped from her as her body rebelled, breaking down as if it refused to let her be happy. She had spent many sleepless nights mulling over the details and couldn’t help but feel that it was her own fault for letting things get this far, for allowing herself to fall too deeply too quickly when she knew that good things weren’t meant for her.

“Yubin-ssi sure is something, don’t you think?” Gwiboon asked, breaking through Eunsook’s silence.

Swallowing around the lump in at yet another insecurity that had surfaced during Jonghyun’s absence, Eunsook her lips and attempted to keep her voice level as she replied, “Yeah, she’s really talented.” Gwiboon glanced over at her briefly, as if sensing the childish jealousy that lived inside Eunsook’s soul, but said nothing and thankfully returned her attention to the show.

The young rapper was a well-respected artist, and while Eunsook was happy that all of Jonghyun’s fans were pleased with the collaboration, that didn’t mean that she wasn’t jealous of that fact that Jonghyun was spending the majority of his time with a beautiful woman. Eunsook knows from years of watching Jonghyun perform as a fan, that he has always been the idol of choice that female artists want to work with and where it used to make her gush with pride at the amazing talent that her favorite idol possessed, not the thought made her sag with anguish at the thought that maybe this time, Jonghyun wasn’t just pretending to flirt. Maybe the bright smile and fleeting touches were a signal to fans and to her that he had moved on, that Jonghyun had found someone worthy of his love that wasn’t currently tied down to a hospital bed waiting for a heart transplant.

“Unnie,” Gwiboon whispered, the concern in her voice matched by a gentle hand placed on top of Eunsook’s own.

“I’m fine,” she murmured, the tears that she hadn’t noticed forming at the corners of her eyes suddenly spilling down her cheeks at the lie.

“He still hasn’t contacted you?” the younger shifted forward in her seat and wiped away the tears.

Eunsook shook her head and moved back, wiping her face on her blanket sheepishly as she attempted to regain control.

“Oh, honey,” Gwiboon stood briefly, looking down at Eunsook with that knowing, sad smile for a minute as if her own heart was breaking for her.  When Eunsook’s shoulders began to shake and she had to look away, Gwiboon sat down, her small frame pressed firmly against Eunsook’s on the tiny hospital bed as she enveloped the other girl in a reassuring hug, tight enough that Eunsook could feel the quiet strength that she so appreciated about the other but gentle enough not to squish the many tubes that were linked to her broken body.

“I miss him so much,” Eunsook managed, her voice cracking when Jonghyun’s soft laughter rang out over the television, answering a question with a bright smile – a real one this time – and ripping through any shred of hope Eunsook had left that he might be as miserable as she is.

Not a day had gone by where she hadn’t texted him to wish him good luck or let him know that she was thinking about him, that she loved him and was so proud of how hard he was working. Eunsook never mentioned how she was doing, how her health was steadily deteriorating or how she had had to quit her job at Heart and Seoul because of it. How her parents were scrambling to make ends meet and she felt so guilty because all she could worry about was the fact that Jonghyun was slipping right through her fingers and she was helpless to stop it.

Her whole body ached for the time when she could have told him everything she was feeling. When he would have been right there beside her every second of every day, holding her and telling her that everything would be okay, that he loved her. But instead of Jonghyun’s strong embrace, Gwiboon was the one holding her together. Because, no matter how much Eunsook loved him, it had been her damaged body that had created this chasm between them. Could Eunsook really blame him for finally realizing that Eunsook wasn’t worth the effort when he himself was so easy to love?

The show continued on in the background and the two girls settled against each other, Gwiboon quietly playing with Eunsook’s hair as the elder steadily watched the television screen, her cheeks stained with drying tears. A familiar numbness spread throughout Eunsook’s body as Jonghyun and Yubin performed a ballad, the pair singing in perfect harmony and looking so perfect together that she couldn’t fault Jonghyun for leaving her behind.

I pretend to not care but I’m scared.

Minho prided himself on being quiet; quiet and observant. It was what made him so great at his job after all. Well that and his attention to detail.

“Jonghyun-ssi?” he repeated, the idol startling at his deep voice. Minho bit his tongue at the question that almost escaped him next, choosing instead to give the shorter man his cell phone. “Your sister called you during the show, so I told her you would call her back.”

“Thanks, Minho.” The distracted look that had been haunting the idol’s face returned as he glanced uninterestedly at the device, shoving it into his back pocket before he was swept away by the production team.

Minho silently observed his friend, noticing the slight way his shoulders curved in on himself, making him look smaller and more fragile than Minho, who served as Jonghyun’s personal trainer as well as his bodyguard, knew him to be.

“I’m worried about him,” Taemin whispered quietly in his ear, having snuck up on Minho. He hummed in agreement, eyes glued to the idol’s position as Kibum approached him with a protein bar and bottle of water. Jonghyun accepted the water but did not show any interest in the food. Minho frowned at the sight, determined to give the other a scolding later when he felt a small hand rest on his arm.

His bicep flexed under the familiar grip and he turned to his boyfriend raising an eyebrow rather than asking the younger what was wrong.

“Don’t be too hard on him, hyung,” Taemin’s eyes knowingly bored into his, and Minho was amazed yet again at how well he could read him.

“He’s just scared right now, and the best thing we can is be there for him in whatever way he needs. Whatever way he asks.”

Taemin’s last statement gave Minho pause, thinking back to that night when everything had changed and Jonghyun that had begun to blossom was wilting away with each day that he withdrew further and further away from Eunsook.

“When did you get to be so smart?” Minho teased, chuckling at the indignant huff Taemin let out before the younger was punching him on the arm.

“Hey! I have to be in top form for the concert tomorrow!” Rubbing his arm, Minho tried not to smile at the cute look of satisfaction that crossed over Taemin’s features. “You never know what kind of crazies are going to be out there,” he continued to nag.

This got the dancer’s attention and the air suddenly turned serious. Minho searched the room, seeing that Jonghyun was now sitting. The sight struck him and he was curious to know how someone who was constantly surrounded by people seemed so alone.

Before he could move to sit beside the idol and offer his quiet reassurance as a small form of support, Yubin was sitting down next to Jonghyun. Minho could have sworn he saw a small smile grace Jonghyun’s lips as he accepted the physical contact, turning his hand so that their fingers were laced and they were huddled together in the crowded room.

“Leave it,” Taemin whispered, raising on his tip toes to kiss Minho’s cheek before he rushed off, no doubt to discuss something with Kibum and Yubin’s manager about some last minute change they wanted to spring on him for the concert tomorrow.

Minho watched the pair from afar, periodically scanning the room for unfamiliar faces and potential danger. Thankfully, they had been to this studio dozens of times so Minho didn’t feel like he had to be on high alert, but there was something about the whole scene that seemed off.

It wasn’t until he was once again staring at Jonghyun that he finally noticed that the idol, who was usually so full of life and the center of attention for every other promotion, was a shade of his usual, vibrant self. The feeling unsettled Minho more than he would have expected, and his mind began to race with worry at what other dangers might be lurking beneath the surface of a depressed Jonghyun.

You’re my love belt, hold me tight.

Sodam knocked softly on the hospital door, not sure what would happen once it opened. She had checked several times with the nursing staff that this was the correct room, and once again glanced at the room number for verification before allowing herself to enter.

Her hands nervously gripped the flowers she had bought in the gift store when she saw that the room was full of people. A young boy, probably 12, was the first to notice her and his head turned to the woman lying on the hospital bed asking loudly, “Who’s that, noona?”

All eyes turned to her and Sodam froze, unsure how to proceed. Thankfully, the manners that had been drilled into her as a child came to her rescue, forcing her to bow repeatedly as she made her way further into the room.

“Annyeonghaseyeo,” was said in return to her own greeting, and Sodam finally allowed herself to stand up smiling warmly at the young woman on the bed.

“I hope I’m not disturbing you, Eunsook-ssi.” A confused shake of the head gave her the courage to continue. “I’m Jonghyun’s sister, Kim Sodam, and I was wondering if we could speak privately?”

Eunsook’s surprise seemed to have robbed her of her voice, so Sodam instead turned to the other people in the room. “I’m terribly sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been wanting to meet Eunsook-ssi for a while and have some…uh…personal things to discuss with her,” she hated being vague but as the sister of a celebrity it was hard to break the habit. Plus, she wasn’t sure exactly how her conversation with Eunsook would go so she didn’t want anyone in the room to have any expectations should things not go according to plan.

“Of course, Sodam-ssi. Thank you for coming to visit our daughter,” the older womam, whom Sodam guessed was Eunsook’s mother, said, rising steadily and beckoning for the rest of the people to follow. One by one they passed her, bowing politely before exiting the room. The young boy stayed where he was, a determined look on his face as he looked up at his sister.

“Kyungie, can you go get noona some milk from the cafeteria?” Eunsook asked him, his hair lovingly before she leaned down to give him a light kiss on the top of his head. He smiled at her briefly before nodding and also leaving the room, giving Sodam an accusing stare on his way out.

“He’s adorable,” Sodam said in an attempt to make small talk and ease some of the tension in the room at the abrupt silence.

Eunsook smiled at the comment, “He’s too protective for his own good.”

“Yeah,” she replied, smiling at her memories of Jonghyun at that age as he proclaimed that he would fight anyone that dared to hurt her.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Eunsook now said, drawing Sodam back to the present. The words were sincere but Sodam couldn’t help but feel somewhat burdened by them.

“I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to until now….” The guilt at not believing her brother had actually been washed over her as she took in the fragile yet beautiful girl before her. Her skin had a slight blue tint even with the oxygen tubes that were helping her breathe. Sodam noted that even though the girl wasn’t rail thin, her features were slightly sunken and had an aged look about them that shouldn’t be there given her age. The image struck her to her core as the situation became all too real.

Tearing her gaze away, Sodam noticed that she was still holding the bouquet. The bright flowers made her smile and she reached out, waiting for the other girl to take them before her hands returned solemnly to her lap.

“Thank you, they’re beautiful,” Eunsook smiled brightly, bringing them to her nose to smell before she set them on the tray beside the bed.

“Eunsook-ssi,” Sodam said, conviction lacing her voice and causing the other to meet her eyes. “I came here to ask you something.”

“Of course, anything.”

Steeling herself for what would came next, Sodam could hear her heartbeat thudding loudly in her ears as she asked, “Do you love my brother?”

A soft gasp was all that left Eunsook as a million emotions washed over the other girl’s face. Sodam felt guilty for asking such a rude question but she needed to know the answer before she said anything else.

“I-I…d-don’t k-know what t-to…” Eunsook stuttered, her emotions written plainly for Sodam to see.

“I’m sorry for being so rude, Eunsook-ssi, but I needed to be certain.” Sodam reached out to clasp the younger girl’s hand tightly as she saw tears slip down her tired face and her lip trembled.

“Jonghyun is miserable without you but he’s too stubborn to admit it,” she stated matter-of-factly, hoping that her honesty would make up for her rudeness. “I’m worried about him, so is our mother. But he refuses to call you - to talk about you with anyone.”

Sodam could tell that she had shocked the younger woman, so she continued on, needing to get everything out know that she knew that Eunsook had been just as affected by her brother’s distance.

“I knew that he had developed feelings for you, but I think it took seeing how broken he is without you for me to fully understand just how serious this thing between you is. My brother has always felt things so deeply, you know? He’s such a tender soul and it pains me to think that there’s nothing I can do for him.”

She paused here, checking to make sure that Eunsook was still listening. After a few moments, the younger nodded at her in silent understanding.

“So…then I got to thinking. If I can’t do anything for him, maybe I could do something for you?”

“You don’t need to do anything…”

“I want to. Don’t you see? I love my baby brother more than anything and it has been killing me to see him slowly waste away these past weeks.”

Another tear slid down Eunsook’s cheeks at her words and Sodam felt a fond tenderness for the other girl sweep over her. Leaning forward, she gently cupped her cheek and smiled knowingly at the worry in her eyes.

“Eunsook-ssi, I made arrangements with the hospital and will be paying for all of your medical expenses.” At her words, Eunsook’s eyes opened wide and she gaped at her like a fish gasping for water. “I also talked with your doctors and they confirmed that we have the same blood type. We should be compatible if anything were to happen…” at this her voice trailed off, seeing that Eunsook was becoming visibly upset at the news.

“No, Sodam-ssi, it’s-“

“Please, call me unnie.”

Eunsook paused, taking in a deep breath as if to gather herself before continuing, “Unnie. It’s too much. I can’t-”

“Shh,” she said cutting her off once again as she clutched both of Eunsook’s hands in her own, desperate to get her point across. “You are the love of my brother’s life and this is the least I can do. He would die if anything happened to you and I couldn’t bear to see him like that. So this is how it’s going to be, araso?”

The younger gave her a perplexed look like she wasn’t sure whether Sodam was incredibly gracious or incredibly insane.

They sat like that for several minutes, Eunsook’s eyes shut tight as if she was processing everything. Finally, a quiet, “Thank you, unnie,” broke the silence and Sodam smiled triumphantly as the other girl’s rather easy acquiescence to her somewhat ridiculous requests.

“Of course, Sook-ah,” the nickname rolled easily off her tongue and Sodam was pleased to see that the other girl accepted it without question.

“How is he really?” The quiet desperation in Eunsook’s question shook Sodam to the core, afraid of saying the wrong thing and making Eunsook’s health worsen.

“He’s not himself,” was all she dared to say, grasping the other girl’s hands reassuringly as tears slipped down both of their cheeks.

Because of my selfishness, I always hurt you.

The world was spinning.

“Jonghyun, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Ah. Kibum. Always there even when he didn’t want him to be.

“Nothing,” Jonghyun said, the sounds slurring together as he hiccupped. The sound was funny, too funny given the disgusted look on his manager’s face and Jonghyun couldn’t help but laugh.

It felt so good to laugh. Each giggle made him feel like he was happy again and helping him forget that he was drowning out his sorrows with bottle after bottle of alcohol.

“Aish, hyung, you’re a mess.” Kibum was now very close to him, causing Jonghyun to blink repeatedly until the many Kim Kibum’s before him slowly turned into one.

“But I f-feeeel so g-gooood.”

“Oh, don’t lie to yourself.” The words rubbed Jonghyun the wrong way and he struck out, meaning to hit Kibum on the arm but missing completely, his balance thrown off and causing him to tip forward until he was falling off of the couch and onto the floor.

“Dammit, Jonghyun.” The disappointment in his friend’s voice struck him to his core and Jonghyun fought to catch his breath, to say something that would make up for the horrible mess he was making.

“S-sorry, Keeeeyy,” he attempted, his thoughts jumbled as his emotions threatened to overthrow his loose grip on reality as the world swam and he. Or maybe that was his stomach attempting to empty itself? Either way the feeling was highly unpleasant and made him whine into the soft plush of the carpet.

A deep rumble in the pit of his stomach made him cough and all of a sudden he was retching, unable to keep back all of the alcohol he had just consumed.

“That’s it, I’m calling your sister!” Kibum yelled, exasperated even as he reached down to hold Jonghyun’s shoulders so that he didn’t face plant into the mess. Jonghyun coughed, his body cold and his vision dimming until all he could see was a tiny pinprick of light.

The last thing that he wanted to see was also the thing that he desperately craved for, and he finally allowed his eyes to close as that angelic smile washed over him, filling his body with a warm tingling sensation as the alcohol lulled him into a deep sleep.

Hold me tight when I tremble.

“Hey, sorry it’s so late, but you need to get here right away.” Sodam’s heart sank at those words, the tone in Kibum’s voice the same as always whenever he had to call her at this time of night.

“I’ll be right there,” she said before disconnecting the call. Closing her eyes to blink back tears, she climbed out of bed and grabbed whatever clothes were within reach, not bothering to see if they matched as she passed the hallway mirror on her way out the door.

Her car thrummed to life underneath her as she pulled out of the parking garage for her apartment building, hating that this wouldn’t be the last time she got this type of phone call from her brother’s manager. The calls had become increasingly worse as Jonghyun had refused to come to terms with his feelings. No matter how many times Sodam tried to talk to him about what had happened that night between him and Eunsook, he would shut down and refuse to talk to her.

Sodam bit back an angry laugh at that thought. She never would have that that her sweet, loving brother who used to sing her to sleep whenever she had a bad dream or would make her stay up for hours consoling him as he cried and told her about the hurtful things that the kids at school would say to him, would try to shut her out. But really, she knew the truth of what was happening. Jonghyun wasn’t shutting her out - he was shutting himself out, as if it were even possible.

The one thing she loved most about her brother was now the thing that was scaring her.

Turning down the familiar street to Kibum’s apartment, Sodam pulled into the garage and nodded at the security guard as he let her in.

A tired looking Minho met her in the lobby, reaching out to give her a reassuring hug that she gratefully sunk into. The elevator ride was a quiet one as Minho continued to hold her, gently her back in quiet reassurance as she mentally steeled herself to become the stern bigger sister that Jonghyun needed her to be, moreso now than ever before.

Kibum was waiting for them when they got to his floor, giving her a brief hug before he marched into his living room, Taemin sitting on the couch with a passed out Jonghyun on his lap. Sodam sighed at the familiar sight, grateful that he had such good friends.

She approached the couch cautiously; never sure which Jonghyun she would find when he awoke.

“Jongie,” she said as quietly as possible, his back just the way she used to when they were kids. He didn’t stir and she pressed harder, scratching his back and repeating with a firmer voice, “Jonghyun-ah. It’s time to go home.”

Jonghyun moaned in his sleep, turning over so that his head was no longer facing Taemin’s stomach. Taemin ran his hair tenderly through Jonghyun’s damp hair and Sodam smiled sadly up at him, hoping that he could see how thankful she was for his presence.

“Kim Jonghyun, get up right this instant,” she tried again, her voice more stern and reminiscent of their mother whenever she had been cross with him.

At her words, Jonghyun opened one eye only to close it again quickly as if the dim light in the room were too much for him.

“Noona?” he mumbled, a shaky hand coming up to rub at his face tiredly.

“Noona’s here,” Sodam said, her heart breaking the next moment when her baby brother opened those big puppy dog eyes and a tear slipped down his cheek.

“Noona,” he breathed, voice breaking as he reached out and she met him halfway so that they were both seated awkwardly on the couch, Taemin making a quick exit to join Minho and Kibum who were observing from a safe distance.

“Sh,” she hushed, rubbing calming circles on his back as he continued to cry into her shoulder.

“Sodam-ah, I m-miss her,” his voice was so low that she had to strain to hear him. “I miss her s-so m-much.”

“I know, Jongie. I know.” They sat like that for a few minutes before Minho was touching her back lightly, offering a helping hand that she wouldn’t have had the strength to ask for herself. Moving back, she separated from Jonghyun who simply sat there like a lost puppy. Minho moved forward, brushing a hand through Jonghyun’s hair before kissing his forehead and reaching out to scoop the smaller man up into his arms.

“Ready?” Minho asked, giving Sodam a moment to collect herself. She nodded, walking back toward the elevator where Taemin had already pushed the button for them. Jonghyun’s eyes were closed now as he clung to Minho, his tears staining his friend’s shirt but the other didn’t seem to care.

Once they had him loaded into the backseat of Sodam’s car, she thanked the three anxiously waiting men, hoping that the simple, “Thank you,” would translate into the multitude of things that she was grateful for: for their continued friendship, for their quiet dedication, for all of the love and support they had showed her brother over the years.

“Drive safely,” Taemin said, stepping forward to give her a hug first before Kibum and Minho followed suit, each repeating the words into her ear before they were stepping away.

Sodam climbed into her car, turning around to see that Jonghyun was once again passed out, his seatbelt cutting into his neck as he leaned awkwardly over so that his torso was on the seat next to him even while his legs were stuck out straight.

“Goofball,” a slight smile stealing over her face as she felt a laugh bubble up until she was chuckling quietly to herself. “All right, pup. Let’s go home.”

Her heart warmed as the familiar nickname slipped out, waving briefly to the security guard at the gate before she was once again pulling out on the street. She couldn’t help but think back to all of the happy memories that her sweet, sweet brother had brought her over the years and hoped that her plan to get him and Eunsook back together would work.

There was something peaceful about driving at this time of the night, when the air was crisp and the town was vibrating with a different energy than during the day. The moon shone bright in the sky and Sodam rolled down her window, sticking her hand out to feel the cool breeze and she drove down the still slightly busy streets as the night crowd came to life around her.

Jonghyun mumbled in the backseat and she smiled at tilted the rearview mirror to check on him. A tiny drop of drool dropped from the corner of his mouth onto her pristine seats and she tried not to growl at the thought of the mess he was making in her beautiful car, grumbling that he would just have to pay to get her car detailed when she heard a car honk, the noise jerking her eyes back to the road as she saw the red stop light before it was too late for her to slam on the breaks.

A bright light hit her face and Sodam squinted her eyes before her heart dropped at the sound of squealing tires as another car collided with hers, smashing into the passenger side and sending them careeningoff to the side of the road. Even as her body tensed for impact, she couldn't feel anything. Couldn't hear anything above the adrenaline coursing through her. Could only see brief glimpses of road and lights, until the world itself seemed to be spinning and everything suddenly went black.

Forgive me, I’m sorry.