Final

I wonder how you're doing.

Yes, you're smiling in the pictures that they take of you, but doesn't everyone smile when they take pictures? I want to know how you are behind the cameras. Behind that facade you have created.

I don't want to see Jessica Jung, the founder of BLANC, now known as BLANC AND ECLARE. I don't want to see Jessica Jung, former member of KPOP girl group Girls' Generation.

I want to see Jung Sooyeon, best friend of Stephanie Hwang. Jung Sooyeon, ex-girlfriend of Stephanie Hwang.

I wonder why we broke up. Why we decided to tear apart all of those happy memories we shared as a beautiful couple. Maybe we were just young teenagers who were curious.

We both knew that wasn't the deal at all.

We were so madly in love, and we still are. At least I am. When we don't have to keep up this image anymore, just maybe then will we get our chance to fix everything. And then, after we fix everything, we'll have small dates where we'll just sit and talk. We'll hold hands and give each other small pecks on the cheeks. We'll marry and live together, maybe adopt some children and then when they finally grow up, we'll live in a quiet home.

I wonder if that would ever happen.

We're both stubborn. We're opposites, even while dating we had a love/hate relationship. But it was such a beautiful thing we had. How after every small argument, we'd smile at each other and laugh it off and then we'd retreat to one of our rooms and lay on the bed, snuggling up to each other and talking in soft whispers. Just thinking about the small moments make me happy.

I just thought that it would last forever.

—Diary Entry #1, Stephanie Hwang

Sometimes after a bad day, I'd lock myself in the bathroom and splash water on my face. And then after that, I'd take a long hot shower to ease the tension that lingered in my body. After feeling slightly light-headed, I'd then start to get out of the shower and dash to my bed. While some of the others talked to each other in the living room, I laid on the bed scrolling through some news on my phone.

After finding nothing interesting, I'd probably just try to sleep or if I was in the mood, I'd go out to get something to eat. And I'd talk to Jessi if she was there. We'd speak in English for a while. Minutes turned to hours and we'd wake up to find ourselves fallen asleep with a large blanket covering us.

These days, I just stay away from everyone and find some way, whether healthy or not, to vent. It's so frustrating and I hate it. It's like poison is slowly seeping through me. I wish Jessi was here. But I guess I learned a while ago that not all wishes come true. I did try to contact her and we sort of talked. It was awkward but somewhat refreshing.

I guess I'll just find a way to deal with this.

—Diary Entry #2, Stephanie Hwang

It's getting really hard.

I'm constantly in a bad mood. Everyone is trying to buy me nice pink toys and Totoros but it's not working. I can't look at anything without feeling a sense of dread wash over me. The members have notified manager-oppa as well and I have an appointment with some doctors.

I wish you were here, Jessi. I miss hugging you, and seeing you smile. At least you called this time. It was definitely a surprise and you asked me if I was doing okay because Yoona had notified you about my depressing mood.

I might as well name this diary Jessi, because I'm practically spilling my thoughts like Jessi is listening.

I really want her back. I don't even care if we're just friends. I just want my Jessi back. I just want her near me.

—Diary Entry #3, Stephanie Hwang

It's getting worse.

I don't know why but everytime I wake up, of course only when I actually can get some sleep, my body feels like lead. I get constant headaches and I'm always tired. Everyone is getting even more worried and I hate it. My appointment is tomorrow and I might not even be able to get up. I can't seem to collect my thoughts that well anymore and the others find me spacing out more frequently. Even as I write, I have to pause many times to figure out what to write in here.

My mood is obviously affecting the others, and for now, I'll try to smile and improve. If not for me, for them.

And if not for them, for Jessica.

—Diary Entry #4, Stephanie Hwang

I woke up today and greeted everyone with a smile. I managed to muster it up and I saw how relieved they were. They smiled back at me and it reminded of how refreshing it was to be around them and actually try to enjoy their company.

I still went to the appointment, and the doctor did a quick check up. I'm a bit more underweight than before, possibly anorexic. He set up an appointment with a therapist. I'm guessing he thinks that I have a disorder or something.

Manager-oppa is making me go. I argued back, but in the end he won. The day went on as normally as it could; practice, practice and practice. When I got home, Jessi texted me. She's so kind. I know she's busy yet somehow she still finds the time to check up on me. She alwys doted on me, even when we were dating..

I told her I was fine and whined to her about how the manager was making me go see the therapist, just to keep the image of normalcy up, but she obviously didn't fall for it all the way. She told me that I should go, just in case.

I was always whipped for her.

I guess I'm going.

—Diary Entry #5, Stephanie Hwang

I felt a bit better when I woke up. I guess it's because I fell asleep, which was odd because I fell asleep really early. I remember talking to Jessica on the phone and asking for her to sing for me. I regret it yet don't regret it.

Everyone noticed an obvious change. I was the first one up and I was even making a simple breakfast for all of them. It felt sort of good. But even a task as simple as that was tiring to me. Taeyeon and Seohyun looked extremely relieved and Hyoyeon and Yuri did their best to make me laugh, which of course worked well.

Yuri, Yoona and Sooyoung whispered to each other for a while before pranking me and I had to admit it was genius.

All we were missing was.. Jessica.

The moment I thought of her, my smile disappeared and everyone noticed. I felt horrible, I ruined the entire moment. Jessica called again and I felt so bad. I was worrying her and everyone at the dorm and they were all taking much of their time off to make sure I'm okay.

I'm horrible.

What does Jessica see in me to call or text me to make sure I'm okay?

What do the others see in me? Why do they still support me?

—Diary Entry #6, Stephanie Hwang

Nickhun texted me to ask me if I was okay. We both knew that nothing would bloom with this relationship. He's too much like a brother to me and we got together as a business stunt. Popularity and money.

I went to the therapist and well, we talked about how I was feeling, all of those normal things. And then.. she popped the question about my relationships. I avoided them pretty easily. Told her that I've dated one person before I trained and that I'm dating Nickhun and everything is as fine as it can be.

After an hour, which in my opinion seemed like a waste, my time was up and I left and right after, Jessica called. I don't know how she knows when I'm free. Maybe one of the members is telling her.

I could really get used to hearing her voice more frequently.

—Diary Entry #7, Stephanie Hwang

Tiffany listened as the clock ticked every second. She had been used to her new routine. She wouldn't sleep until after 2 AM, sometimes earlier if Jessica called. She'd wake up with difficulty, not finding any reason to get up.

It was almost midnight, and surely everyone else was sleeping. It was a busy day; one filled with many hours of practice and when they all returned, they separated to their rooms. Jessica hadn't contacted her at all and Tiffany's mood worsened throughout the day.

She laughed to herself and sighed. Her mood was now dependent on Jessica. Tiffany sighed once more and rolled onto her side. She checked her phone for any messages from Jessica but found none. Placing the phone farther away from her, Tiffany buried her face in the pillow. She felt so suffocated, this mask she kept on everyday was beginning to kill her. The mask that she used to protect her was turning on her.

Tiffany heard the door click and groaned.

"Taeyeon, I'm fine, go to bed."

"I would, but I'm not Taeyeon."

Tiffany's ears picked up the familiar voice and she sat up and turned around. There at the door was a woman. Jessica.

It was Jessica.

She looked tired but the older girl still managed a smile. Tiffany swallowed and wet her lips.

"I'm not hallucinating, am I?" Tiffany whispered to herself.

It was possible at the time in her life. The stress was getting to her.

"No Tiff, you're not. Can I come in? I feel awkward standing out here." Tiffany nodded she watched as Jessica entered the room. The older woman closed the door behind her and smiled tiredly at her.

"Hey." It was a curt and short way to start the conversatuon but Jessica was always a straightfrward person.

She replied in polite and short phrases that might've been awkward to others but Tiffany has been with her long enough and gotten used to it. It even worried her when Jessica didn't use her iconic short phrased speaking pattern.

"Um, hi." Tiffany felt a bit bare in front of Jessica. Out of both of them, the younger girl was the most vulnerable and fragile person.

"How are you, Stephanie?" Tiffany's birth name seemingly flowed when Jessica spoke and it sent shivers down the younger girl's back. It had been so long since she'd heard Jessica say it.

"I could be better but I can't really ask, can I?" A bitter laugh escaped her and she almost felt guilty after seeing the small smile disappear, only to be replaced by a thinning frown.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to make it sound that depressing--"

"But it is, isn't it?" Tiffany's mouth clamped shut at the accusation. A sudden pit of rage began to boil and she forced herself to hold her tongue.

"You look so tired and out of it most of the time, and it scares me. I'm frightened at the thought of you breaking apart and crumbling. I'm afraid because, God this sounds so cliche, but your eyes don't shine and they don't hold that spark of hope anymore." Jessica seemed nearly breathless and she looked desperate. It broke Tiffany's heart.

"Wha--" Tiffany cut herself off and took a moment to herself. Her change in behaviour shouldn't have been that drastic.

She breathed in slowly and looked at Jessica. There was a difference between the woman in front of her and the woman before. Tired and desperate eyes, a frown that wouldn't leave her lips. What did Jessica see in Tiffany that was so different from before?

"I'm sorry, but this time I'm sorry for another reason." Tiffany swallowed and mustered up a pitiful smile. Jessica reached out in confusion--

"I'm sorry for still loving you even though you've moved on." The older girl's arm went limp and dropped her arm. "Because honestly, I was fine with it at first. I knew the relationship we had wouldn't last that long, what with the occupation we both shared.."

Tiffany blinked and felt her eyes sting. She saw Jessica move forward and engulf her into a hug.

"Staying friends was fine. But then you left and I felt all of the things I denied to myself crash. Staying friends wasn't fine; I craved you. I craved your attention and touch. And I had to deny myself that right because you weren't mine. And I did, for so long and look at where that got me." Tiffany's arms slowly wrapped around Jessica's waist and she gripped the older woman's shirt.

"It's okay." Jessica whispered and Tiffany closed her eyes and cried. She sobbed softly into her ex-lover. She let it out while Jessica rubbed her back and whispered to her.

She left the next morning, but not before waking me up. She gave me a small smile before leaving and I honestly felt better. I guess that's what I really needed to say and let go of. She's moved on and I guess I need to as well. I wish it didn't end like this but it did, and at least it didn't totally blow up in my face.

Thanks for being here for me, diary.

—Diary Entry #8, Stephanie Hwang

AN: ayyyy sorry, I totally forgot I was suppose to finish writing this but ya I had finals through the end of May to this week and then it's summer break! I hope you guys enjoyed this even if it didn't end with a happily ever after. Thanks for reading and giving this a chance!